Your Classic Bait Lines

[SonofThunder]

What are your PD's classic 'bait' lines?

My PDw cycles every 2-3 years.  She's squarely in 'devalue' along with 'discard' and I'm firmly and purposefully in a mode of 'indifference' to her cycle, while i intentionally attempt to live my daydream-life of hobbies, goals etc, while navigating the PD obstacles and never getting back in the cycle.   

My PD's classic bait line, when she reaches the limits of her IDD cycle, and wants me to facilitate a major change in her life (or suffer the PD consequences of disagreement) happened again last night.

The scene:

-public setting (restaurant), to possibly assist her that i may take the bait to avoid disagreement in a public setting.

-45 minute drive home (silent treatment if I dont respond properly)

-Always an out-of-nowhere deep question (my PD's not a deep thinker)

———-

Mrs SoT: (puts her phone down for the first time during dinner)

"Have you ever had one of those days when you just contemplate your entire life and wonder what you want to do with the rest of your life?" 

SoT: pauses just long enough to brainstorm a neutral, indifferent response and also a detour question, but also laughs to self at how i would love to truthfully answer that question.....  🌴✈️ 😂

"No...Im an introvert and an ocd-type planner, so i do that every day.  You know what??...this restaurant is a massive chunk of rented real estate.  Can you imagine the overhead cost of this place and the number of meals they must need to serve daily, just to pay the rent??  That must be incredibly difficult with the pandemic, employee shortages and supply chain issues...what do you think the monthly rent is on this space?"

Mrs. SoT:  (pausing...).  "Im not sure."  She picks her phone back up, and proceeds on with social media in silence while she eats. 

SoT: happily eats the the rest of his meal in the silence of a phone-occupied spouse and then drives home to his favorite music while playing drums on the steering wheel. 

[tragedy or hope]

I get it.
Classic bait line for me;  "I just don't understand why we don't get along." Always when we are getting along, having a pleasant time. My answer, "Neither do I." Look how beautiful the clouds are today " etc.

Another one, same scenario; "I don't understand why we don't have any friends.." (speaking of couples we might entertain. Been there did that for years... no need to increase my own pain, as he is the center of attention.)
My response, "Yeah, me neither. I have learned to be content with my life where it is."  Again, change the subject onto something lovely.

Another; "I just don't understand why we can't find a church we both agree on." Me: "We've discussed this over and over, I am no longer interested in having a conversation about it." Sometimes I just get silent after this one. I know all of the words on his script and just listen.

Usually it is a kind of nebulous question, a pondering that leads me to hear it as bait, because he says nothing definitive and does not ponder anything in reality. That's how I have recognized it is coming.

Thanks SoT. Good subject to reflect on...

[square]

"I must have been Ghengis Khan in my last life or something." Over one of life's minor trivalties that everyone goes through like traffic, or the consequences of his own poor planning like being late. So basically absolving himself of all responsibility while being the biggest victim. I probably find it more annoying than most people would, though.

"Do I look fat?" I will never ever shame your body and do not have negative thoughts about your body, but I find the demand to lie to your face extremely uncomfortable and am baffled that you continue to try to pin me down on it. If I feared he thought I was fat, the LAST thing I'd do would be to ask him... much less over and over.... and even less if I wasn't satisfied with his answers.

"Why're you mad?" Said out of the blue, whether I'm mildly irritated or absolutely peachy keen. It used to be his checkmate because he could define and frame my emotions and totally invalidate any denials - but most of all, as he has literally explained to me, it doesn't matter what he says or does, if I'm mad, I'm the one who caused the problem. So if I said I wasn't mad, we'd go down the path of him having total say over what I was or wasn't feeling, if I admitted I was annoyed that he X, then that was my confession to being evil. After years of multiday fights (long before Out of the FOG) he finally agreed to say "you ok?" instead and accept my answer. Which now we do in an absurd parody where I reply "yep" in total disinterest because my feelings are totally invalid by definition and cannot be discuused or worked out in any way. I assume he wants the further control of forcing me to explicitly deny them every hour or so that we interact.

"So you think X is a bad idea?" Said after I've laid out a detailed and compelling argument FOR X when he asks me to make a decision for him. I do this less and less but it can be hard because if I MC his demands that I decide something he melts down (OCD) and accuses me of being the least helpful and least empathetic person on earth (on EARTH mind you).

[escapingman]

Interesting discussion. My stbx bait all the time, I don't think I can have any conversation with her baiting. These days I just walk away, but before it just drove me insane.

stbx: "I bought 2 new tops, which one do you like the most?"

Me: "Ehm, both looks good"

stbx: "No seriously, which one do you like the best"

Me: "Ok, the first one you tried on"

stbx: "Really? I thought the other one was the better"

Me: "Yes, I meant that one is better. Definitely keep the second one"

stbx: "You are only saying that to be nice, why did you change your mind?"

Me: "Ok, the first one then. The first one is better"

stbx: "You clearly hates both of them, why do you always have to ruin everyting" *storms out to the car and drive back to the shops and getting a refund for both.

[Cat of the Canals]

PDmom doesn't need bait. If she's on the warpath, she can make even an innocent comment or question into something offensive/rude/thoughtless. Just before I left for college, she completely turned on me. I couldn't do ANYTHING right. One day we got into it over a blueberry muffin of all things.

PDmom: Here, I made muffins!
Me: No, thank you. I'll just have cereal.
PDmom: But you LIKE blueberries!
Me: Not when they're cooked.
PDmom: Oh, that isn't true! (She loves to insist I like things that I don't.)
Me: It is true. They get kind of bitter and acidic and it reminds me of the taste of vomit.
PDmom: I DON'T KNOW WHEN YOU BECAME SO UNGRATEFUL AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'VE DONE TO DESERVE THIS KIND OF TREATMENT!

Like ok... my vomit comment was probably unnecessary, but I said I didn't want the muffin!

[moglow]

Ah, bait - SO much fun ..

Paraphrased text from mommie dearest out of the clear blue, no context and typically after silence of more than a few weeks: It sure is nice to know I'm being referred to as [xyz vague comment].
Me:  I'm sorry - what??
MD:  Don't play dumb. You know what's been said.
Me:  Apparently I don't. You'll need to give me some context , more information here.
MD:  So you've never said [xyz]??
Me:  Call me if this is something you want to actually talk about.
MD:  So you HAVE said it!!
Me:  Mother. If you want to talk to me, call. Don't send these leading messages with no context and me with no idea what you're talking about.
[lengthy silence, like hours or days of silence]
I eventually call her - she dives in with what she claims I've said. After probing a friend was "kind enough" to share with her [xyz vague comment] that I supposedly said to mutual acquaintance.
Me:  Mother. I've not seen or spoken with ABC since I moved away, almost 20 years now. I'm not sure what this has to do with anything...
MD:  DID YOU SAY IT OR NOT??
Me:  Again, you've not been exactly forthcoming here. I'm sure I've said all kinds of things over the years, I have no idea what you're talking about. You might want to talk with your so-called friend who's supposedly sharing things to wind you up and create imaginary drama. They sure don't sound like much of a friend to me.

Over and over and over, all my life. Baiting senseless unreasonable bullshit arguments. I finally blocked her cell phone after repeatedly asking her to stop with the senseless drama via text - within a couple of months she also disconnected her home phone, cutting all avenues of contact. Message received!

[escapingman]

This thread is so spot on I have to do another one....

*Me sitting in my office calmly tapping away on my key board working when Stbx suddendly storms into the office

Stbx: "Why are you not speaking to me?"
Me: "What?"
Stbx: "You haven't spoken to me all day!" (this could be 10AM)
Me: "I have been working"
Stbx: "You didn't even say good morning"
Me: "I didn't know where you were, equally you could also have found me and said good morning."
Stbx: "You never say good morning anymore"
Me: "Yes I do, yesterday when you sat in the kitchen and I came in I said good morning"
Stbx: "Liar, you didn't"
Me: "I did, but if I didn't you could have said good morning first"
Stbx: "No, I was in the kitchen first so you have to say good morning first as you entered the kitchen second"
Me: "Ok, but I am actually working now and need to concentrate"
Stbx: "Whatever you lazy shit, you just sit here and pretend to work"
*Stbx slams the door hard on the way out and keep complaining to the kids for a week that I never talk to her whilst giving me the silent treatment.

[SonofThunder]

This thread is so spot on I have to do another one....

*Me sitting in my office calmly tapping away on my key board working when Stbx suddendly storms into the office

Stbx: "Why are you not speaking to me?"
Me: "What?"
Stbx: "You haven't spoken to me all day!" (this could be 10AM)
Me: "I have been working"
Stbx: "You didn't even say good morning"
Me: "I didn't know where you were, equally you could also have found me and said good morning."
Stbx: "You never say good morning anymore"
Me: "Yes I do, yesterday when you sat in the kitchen and I came in I said good morning"
Stbx: "Liar, you didn't"
Me: "I did, but if I didn't you could have said good morning first"
Stbx: "No, I was in the kitchen first so you have to say good morning first as you entered the kitchen second"
Me: "Ok, but I am actually working now and need to concentrate"
Stbx: "Whatever you lazy shit, you just sit here and pretend to work"
*Stbx slams the door hard on the way out and keep complaining to the kids for a week that I never talk to her whilst giving me the silent treatment.

Escapingman, I believe I may be your secret brother in law... did you know your wife had a twin?  😂

To all so far: I am greatly enjoying your responses and look forward to many more bait lines!  As much a pain in the ass as dealing with PD bait is, its always great to gather-round the Out of the FOG campfire and share fishing stories.

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

Ex-husband: "I'm sorry I'm a terrible person."

Me: silence.

[square]

I get a similar one to the "good morning" bs.

We're riding in the car or something, in silence. Often he is really consumed by the resentments or whatever in his head and will not pay attention if I say something - he's just totally checked out. Other times if he's in a bad mood he'll bite my head off if I say something. Safer to just let him talk if he feels like it.

But no.

Some days it's: "Well, you're awfully quiet." Said in an accusing, dark tone.

Before I was Out of the FOG I sometimes said "well, so are you." Presto, volcano blows as he tells me it's all me and I obviously have it in for him.

I've pointed out that he can initiate conversation just as well as I can, and in fact it's the responsibility of the person wishing to converse to do so, rather than the other to mind read. But, no, this just leads to meltdown.

Now I just say "yep" in a detached way and he fumes at that. 50-50 whether he just fumes in silence or goes kablooey somehow.

We did this one last night. "Fume in silence" was the outcome, then a couple more picks at me demanding I agree more fervently with something he said, then demanding I have an opinion about something else (not gonna touch that one lol). It was like being with a lit fuse that kept sparking but never actually blew.

[SonofThunder]

Inquiry of me in a sexy voice, a couple times over my first 2+ decades of marriage:

Random PD Baited Phone Call: "SoT, im feeling a bit frisky today for some reason; you have time (during your workday) for sex over your lunch break"?

*Gentleman, say no to that (if its logistically possible to say yes)  and im betting (by experience), you can kiss ANY sex goodbye for a very long span. 

Reality behind the PD bait:  "SoT, If I allow you to have sex with me at an odd time/day of my choosing, will you say yes to: (all 4 requested over span of  25+ years)

-a new car for Mrs SoT?
-move to a new bigger house?
-an in-ground pool installed?
-a fully paid cruise for 6 adults?

In my extreme caretaking decades 1 and 2, i said yes to 3 of 3 requests vs face the rage i knew would occur.  The (4th and last) after-sex request I refused (after coming Out of the FOG in decade 3) cost me greatly in long-span sex refusal, silent treatment and jabs of devaluation, but hey, i had sex for lunch!  😂

SoT

[Andeza]

My uBPDm started throwing out "I need to be needed" off and on for the last two years or so that we were in contact. We lived 1600 miles away. If I needed her for anything I was pretty much screwed. In fact the one and only time I called her in ten years needing vital information quickly, she had changed her number and didn't tell me. I had to call my Gma instead. This statement was made and flew in the face of such classic regurgitated parenting lines as "One day you won't need me anymore!" "I'm working myself out of a job!" "I want you to be capable of being completely independent!" Any and every honest response to the statement would lead to moping about nobody needing or loving her. Full metal waif on switch, I swear. Only way to correctly answer it would be to lie about needing her (which I didn't because, honestly it would sting my pride) or shrug it off and change the topic.

SoT I'm just shaking my head over here. Goodness, it's terrible that she's done that to you.

[SonofThunder]

My uBPDm started throwing out "I need to be needed" off and on for the last two years or so that we were in contact. We lived 1600 miles away. If I needed her for anything I was pretty much screwed. In fact the one and only time I called her in ten years needing vital information quickly, she had changed her number and didn't tell me. I had to call my Gma instead. This statement was made and flew in the face of such classic regurgitated parenting lines as "One day you won't need me anymore!" "I'm working myself out of a job!" "I want you to be capable of being completely independent!" Any and every honest response to the statement would lead to moping about nobody needing or loving her. Full metal waif on switch, I swear. Only way to correctly answer it would be to lie about needing her (which I didn't because, honestly it would sting my pride) or shrug it off and change the topic.

SoT I'm just shaking my head over here. Goodness, it's terrible that she's done that to you.

Andeza, im sorry you experience that with your mother.  My father is the exact same way and lives (thankfully) some distance away.  Thanks also for the head-shake kindness.  Looking back, im just glad i can finally understand it and have a laugh about it. 

SoT

[square]

SoT that sex manipulation thing is beyond the pale.

The sex-for-prize is already just unbelievable. But to require it to be inconvenient to you is just... no words.

[SonofThunder]

SoT that sex manipulation thing is beyond the pale.

The sex-for-prize is already just unbelievable. But to require it to be inconvenient to you is just... no words.

Sex has been used in manipulation in multiple ways over my marriage span. 

-withheld for punishment of various non-compliance with PD's desires  (longest for me was 1 year, but i believe I've read of others here whose span is much longer)

-baiting requests for large purchases, following very rare weekday, daytime sex (my post above) requests. *denial of daytime sex offer (she knows my logistical freedom in self-employment) would be punished, or denial of purchase request would be punished.... A lose-lose. 

-lack of regular, weekly sex initiation by me leads to questions of my desire for her/sex used as a thermometer of the health of the relationship, and in extreme situations (like just prior to the discard phase), the devalue accusations of cheating if I fail to regularly initiate.  Therefore, what i call 'maintenance sex' on a regular basis keeps the drama low. 

But, understanding is everything and so now, im able to protect myself well with education and the toolbox. 

Looking forward to reading more classic bait!

SoT

[Boat Babe]

Any and every honest response to the statement would lead to moping about nobody needing or loving her. Full metal waif on switch, I swear. Only way to correctly answer it would be to lie about needing her (which I didn't because, honestly it would sting my pride) or shrug it off and change the topic.

Lie about needing her. Boom! That's a blast from the past. I recognize that little PD subroutine. I felt obliged to this as a child, to manage my mother's moods, I felt the inauthenticity of the whole thing even then. I clearly didn't have the words or the concept even, but it all felt so, you know, wrong.

I remember having to get out of the habit of doing that as I grew into my mid teens. It was so difficult because we were so emeshed, she and I. It was just me and my mum, 24/7 except for school and sleep and a bit of playing with the kids on our street. So friggin intense. She once did a cracker of a bait with a side order of double bind 

Mum, who has been having an emotional meltdown at me for some reason hurls "You don't love me" at me.
Me, who is an earnest child who thinks her mummy is the prettiest lady, says "I do love you Mummy."
Mum, now even more furious explodes "No, it has to be spontaneous."

She's an 89 year old waif these days and I'm remarkably OK.

[Andeza]

I hear you boat babe. One day when she gave me silent treatment for a perceived slight, I remember it suddenly dawned on me. Hey ... The quiet is actually really nice... Changed my whole world. I never tried to fix the silent treatment after that, and what do you know? She couldn't handle it for more than a couple hours. 

[Boat Babe]

I hear you boat babe. One day when she gave me silent treatment for a perceived slight, I remember it suddenly dawned on me. Hey ... The quiet is actually really nice... Changed my whole world. I never tried to fix the silent treatment after that, and what do you know? She couldn't handle it for more than a couple hours. 

Yeah, she was stuck with herself then.

[SeaBreeze]

Any given conversation with uNPDh can be turned into this:

Me: Nice weather today!
Him: Probably be nicer if you had a better husband.

Me: Need anything from the store?
Him: No, but you might want to add "better husband" to the shopping list.

Me: My stomach hurts.
Him: Probably sick of your horrible husband!

We've been having this same repeated conversation over 20 years. I used to take the bait and either reassure him he was a perfectly fine husband, or half-jokingly agree that he sucked. Which of course led to circular discussion that had nothing to do with the weather, the store, my stomach, or whatever topic he needs to make all about him. Nowadays, I mostly ignore it. Though occasionally I flat out tell him another husband is the last damn thing I need. Or, I remind him if *he* feels that way, then he can certainly try to be that "better husband". And then I ignore anything else he says after.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

His most recent favorite is:

"I don't understand why you're always angry?"

He had had some truly truly awful ones I won't share here because a trigger warning would be required. He is such a sick person.

In the Hoover phase he always has this one:

"You're so perfect. I'm a bad person. I don't know why you're with me." 

And, similar to what escaping man said, I have had almost that exact conversation so many times, but about phone calls and texts messages. For example:

Stbx (after not calling or texting me for days): why don't you ever call me or text me! It's like I do all the work in this relationship.
Me: I used to call and text you, but you don't reply.
Stbx: Yes I do. I don't know why you never call or text, it's like you hate me?!
Me: I don't hate you
Stbx: yes you do! I don't understand why you're so angry.
Me: ok, well I'm busy with work here, I need to go...
Stbx: why can't you see how wrong you are!?
Me: bye for now...

And this is followed by silent treatment from him, when the reality is that HE never calls or texts me and he expects me to do ALL of the work to keep in touch with him, which I used to do. Now that I don't, it's my fault, obviously. What fun 😂