Waif mother and her flying monkey's

[ohsotired]

I am new to seeing and understanding that my mother is the waif archetype. I have been given the caretaker role my whole life and have been finally pushing back on shedding that responsibility for about a year now. Slowly I have been moving further and further away from rushing in and rescuing and fixing my mothers constant problems. She has untreated trauma and crippling anxiety that leaves her quite the hermit. After years of trying out different approaches and tactics with no changes, I grew more and more resentful with every panicked phone call demanding I calm her down. It was really thrown in my face when, as a first responder through covid, I began to have my own issues with PTSD and daily anxiety. I expected my mother to be sympathetic and nurturing but instead she was upset that I wasn't able to meet her needs now. I wasn't allowed to take care of my needs or my health over hers. I went through an extremely painful bout of shingles and yet again, she was put off that I was out of commission. I have had enough and feeling the anger she is having with my stepping away and not responding to her texts begging me to 'cure' her anxiety that morning.

My father and brother have given up, if they ever tried, on naming it or confronting this disfunction. They also grew accustomed to me being the one that fixed and buffered leaving them mad that I have retired that job I never signed up for. I am left with the three of them ganging up on me and telling me I need to shape up and come over and trying to fix these issues. Lots of, 'we do all this for you' and 'we are a family....' I feel stuck and backed into a corner on how to navigate this. I feel the urge to play along to avoid further upsetting and harassing calls/texts. That is the dynamic that has been in place for decades so it feels natural to slide back into that to gain some relief. On the other hand I am more and more angry every incident and swear I will say something tomorrow.

I am very lucky to have a wife that also has a BPD mother and understands the pains of having to set boundaries and have those constantly be challenged. I also have an awesome therapist who is helping me through this. Still holy crap is this hard to deal with and feels never ending.

Thanks for letting me say my story and getting off my chest. It can feel very lonely and isolating sometimes.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have come to a good place with lots of fellow sufferers on different stages of healing. As you keep on reading on this forum, you might find similar stories to your own and inspiration on how to handle situations that arise.
Please read the Toolbox, especially medium chill, grey rock, and non-JADE and start implementing the strategies that might be suitable for you.
So glad to read that you have real life support from your partner and a therapist.
It is understandable that the other members of your family begin to pressure you to resume your former role as caretaker. This has enabled them to lead their life. Now they probably experience so much more pressure from the PD in your family and they long to go back to their previous status. But just because they want that, does not mean that you have to do it.  They might feel disappointed, frustrated, and these  are their feelings to deal with. Your responsibility is to take good care of yourself.
Have you read the book "Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist" by Fjelstad? You might find some validation in that book.
See you around on the boards.

[Hazy111]

Dated a Borderline Waif ...had a uBPD mother ,, so what chance did i have... manipulated beyond belief,,,, I concur with notright's  recommendation and also recommend "Understanding  the Borderline Mother " by Christine Lawson ... excellent.... Shari Shreiber  ?? on the internet is also very good for men (invariably had Borderline mothers)  who date Borderlines... but may well help.

My waif girlfriend ,, once said to me "Im a delicate flower, Hazy" early on      I didnt twig , i was so enmeshed     Christine Lawsons description of the waif  as "a delicate butterfly "

[moglow]

Good morning, and welcome to our little corner of the world!

Here's one I've had a hard time grasping - just because "they" aren't coping well doesn't make it yours to fix. Their stuff does not equal yours and vice versa. We ALL have our own stuff, it's not interchangeable just because it's family. You have a responsibility first to yourself. The old adage "you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first," comes to mind.

When one steps outside the established role in a family, it seems the monkeys must rally 'round to straighten them out. Further, just because they assigned that role and you played it for a season or twelve, doesn't make it yours forever. Do whatever you need to establish and maintain your own peace. You don't have to go into extensive explanations no matter how hard they push, and it doesn't have to be a big confrontation or discussion. Their demands can be met with "I'm sorry I can't right now. I'll have to call you later." Maybe define "later" so there's not a barrage of interim calls of "WHEN?? WE NEED YOU NOW!" Y'all, really, figure it out. My plate's full and I need to take care of it. Until then I can't help you.

Personally, I suggest if you give them a "I'll check back with you [enter specific day/time here]" do exactly that. Be a person of your word and show them that you are. Don't respond to anything until then, no matter how panicked. They're adults, they'll figure it out.

Anyhoo, hang out with us when you wish. Unfortunately lots of experience around here to pull from.

[Sneezy]

Slowly I have been moving further and further away from rushing in and rescuing and fixing my mothers constant problems.

Good for you - start establishing your boundaries.  It takes time, and boundaries are never perfect.  But over time, with practice, they become strong.

By now, you have probably realized that your mother doesn't want you to fix her problems, at least not permanently.  She wants to get her supply from you.  Her suffering is part of her identity and suffering is what gets her the validation, attention, entertainment, love, etc. etc. etc. that she so desperately craves.  You can't fix her and you can't fix her problems.  But you can stop playing the game.

Good luck 

[Cat of the Canals]

What Sneezy said. Having been in a very similar position, it took me until my mid-30s to realize that no matter what I did to meet PDmom's supposed "needs," it was never enough.

What finally brought me Out of the FOG was during a period of time where I kept getting pulled aside by family members and friends-of-the-family and told how much PDmom loves me, how much it means to her when I call, how it would means so much if she saw me more often. The subtext being: PDmom is unhappy. PDmom NEEDS me to be more attentive. Being the dutiful, people-pleasing daughter she trained so well, I jumped to attention. To solve this problem, I just needed to get really strict with myself about calling and visiting PDmom more. So I did.

Did the Flying Monkey nonsense stop? Nope. I heard the *exact* same crap at the next family function. I was very confused. I'd done everything she asked for, but she was still clearly whining to people about me. That was when I started to figure things out. That my mother is a bottomless pit of need, and she believes it is everyone else's job to fill it. Except we can't.

She even said it once to me, under the guise of cutesy lovey-dovey talk. I drove the two hours to visit (and it was always me visiting her, never the other way around), and the second I walked in the door, she latched onto me (literally) and said, "I NEVER SEE YOUUUUU. And even if I saw you everyday, it wouldn't be enough." 

I know it's hard to interrupt decades-long pattern of running to her every time she plays the waif game. Harder still to ignore the flying monkeys when they started flapping around, screeching at you for not FIXING it. (Been there, done that.) But you can do it. And it's the only thing that makes sense. Because You. Can't. Fix. Her. She is a grown adult. She's had however many years on this planet to figure out how to function without putting her crap on other people. (And if she's still struggling with that, time to see a professional.)

If the Flying Monkey harassment continues, it might be time to start blocking numbers (at least temporarily). Walk away from the nonsense for a while.

[workinprogress2018]

I don't have time for a full reply just now but I am in a similar situation and it's hard! So much resonates with me, you are not alone.

[Hazy111]

They're adults, they'll figure it out. 

She is a grown adult.   

Physically yes.

[IntoTheLight]

My mother is the waif as well. And I came to  the conclusion that a very dear friend is also the waif and I was definitely the flying monkey for her. Have been LC with both since I realised. My mother for years and this friend for the past couple weeks. She has been passive agressivly trying to get me to take up this role again, but I have been ignoring her. It's hard, but there is no other way. Explaining this to her is like feeding tic tacs to a whale. (where did I get  this analogy??) But it has given me more peace of mind. My mother has turned to my sister more and is hardly interested in me. Even if you are 45 like I am, you still long for some comfort and support from parents. But I know this is not going to happen. That is sad, but I guess it is also progress to realise this.

[blues_cruise]

I think kind but firm boundaries are the way when dealing with waif types. I worry about DH being expected to caretake more and more for his mother's intense loneliness and anxiety as she ages. When something comes up that looks like copendency, enmeshment and a crossing of emotional boundaries I try to gently point this out to my husband and suggest other ways that she could be supported. If she's struggling then there is help out there and a support network that can be built, such as emergency alarm pendants and befriending schemes, but to expect him to be entirely responsible for her mental and physical wellbeing is just far too much.

I'm glad that you have your own support network in place who can help you through this. It is exhausting to continuously have your boundaries challenged and to have your integrity brought into question all the time.