Terrible Development

[wisingup]

Wow, what a day.  Today was supposed to be the day Brother and I took uBPDm to tour an assisted living facility.  Brother called yesterday to say he was having bad stomach pains & was on his way to the ER.  He spent the night in the hospital for observation. 

I went ahead & took mom to see the facility & we had lunch there with the sales director.  Her impression - nice facility, but it's full of old people.  I actually get this - she doesn't yet see herself as one of these elderly, mobility- & memory-impaired people.  It will take some time to absorb.  But while we were eating lunch, Brother's wife called to say they'd found a large tumor blocking his colon.  He'll have surgery tomorrow to remove it and determine if it is cancerous.  Dear god - I did not see this one coming.  My brother has never been sick a day in his life.  He has three kids, two of whom are currently struggling with some mental health issues, as well as my mom & her issues & he has been running around taking care of everyone. 

We sometimes don't tell uBPDm about things, as she has an amazing knack for making them worse.  For instance, she still doesn't know that Brother's wife had breast cancer a couple years ago, & didn't know until very recently about his kids' issues.  Since she was sitting next to me when I got this call though, I had to tell her what was going on & of course, this is her son & it's a big deal & she does deserve to know.  I told her that I would keep her posted on developments, but we couldn't really know more until after the surgery tomorrow.  I told her specifically not to call him, as he is going to be groggy and out of it after having had a colonoscopy this morning.  But Brother says she has called him at least twice this afternoon.   He's not picking up when she calls - he just can't handle her right now.   

She called another relative to pump her for info on my brother & ended up arguing with her, then called her sister to complain about that relative.  Her sister then called me to find out what was going on, angry at the other relative.  Oy, mom has broken out her "make it worse" superpower once again. I'm staying out of the drama as best as I can & just want to be there for Brother, his wife & the kids.  Mom will get the minimum necessary info & she can get dramatic with her sister, if she must.

Mom was having a clearer than usual day, mentally.  She was diagnosed with a UTI early last week & just finished the course of antibiotics for it.  I feel like the UTI thing might be a larger part than we thought of her mental confusion.  But now I feel like the case for assisted living is stronger than ever.  If she's going to get recurrent UTIs that cause delirium, AND if now Brother needs to tend to his own health and I'm on my own with her for the near future, she needs to go where she has 24-hr care.  I'll give it a few weeks to see all the various factors play out & see if she comes to a decision on her own.  At least her sister is in strong agreement that she needs assisted living, & mom depends strongly on her sister's advice.

Oy, time for a hot bath & some decompression.  Please send some good thoughts into the universe for my brother, who is one of the biggest-hearted people I know.  Thanks everyone.

[Amadahy]

Dearest wisingup,

Tenderest condolences on your brother's illness.  I hope he recovers and thrives.

I'm sorry your mother can't behave herself.  Mine is this way, too.  I never told her when I was ill, or even needed surgeries because it would be "I'm worried to death about you." or "What am I going to do if something happens to you?"     So hurtful and unhelpful.  I hope that the AL works out and takes some of the burden of care off you and your brother.

xoxo

[wisingup]

Thank you for the kind words Amadahy - and I'm sorry you've experienced the same with your mom.  The lack of awareness is astounding. 

Mom has already called me once this morning - at 6:30 AM - for more information.  Of course I don't know anymore than I did last night & she knows that.  I'm sure she's worried and wants me to talk about it with her and work ourselves into a frenzy - this is how she handles things, but it absolutely destroys my mental health.  I'm not playing.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm sorry to hear this about your brother wisingup. He's in my thoughts and I'm hoping he gets the best possible outcome.

A medical event like this would set my mother up for weeks or months, she'd love it for all the narcissistic supply she could get out of it. In fact whenever one of her children has a medical situation, every single thing relating to it is about her. I'm glad your mother has her sister to hash this out with, over and over 

I hope you can steer clear of your mother as much as possible.

[Sneezy]

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother.  And I'm sorry your mother is doing her best to milk this situation for her own purposes.  My mom would do the same.  I still haven't told my mom that I need to have a filling replaced this week.  She will take the most minor medical/dental situation and use it to justify endless phone calls.  Because she "is concerned" (meaning, it's all about her).

Ignore her calls as best you can and take care of yourself - hugs to you and your family!

[Andeza]

Oh no, I really hope everything turns out to be benign. No advice, just sending hugs and well wishes.

[wisingup]

Thank you Sunny Meadow, Sneezy and Andeza.  It's amazing how they are all the same, isn't it? 

I'm trying very hard not to text Brother's wife to check in.  If there was an update, she'd have called.  I forgot to mention that Brother's wife won't call my mom directly - that relationship has been broken for decades - so the info will flow to me & then through me to my mom.

[Hilltop]

Sorry to hear about your brother.  I really hope he gets good news. 

[wisingup]

Thanks everyone - the surgery went well; now we wait for biopsy results.  Mom was weirdly calm yesterday when I called with the surgery results.  I've been short with her on the calls where she tries to get me worked up with worry, maybe just maybe she will reign that behavior in for a little while.

[Fiasco]

But now I feel like the case for assisted living is stronger than ever.  If she's going to get recurrent UTIs that cause delirium, AND if now Brother needs to tend to his own health and I'm on my own with her for the near future, she needs to go where she has 24-hr care. 

This, 100 percent. Best for her and best for you and certainly best for your brother who will definitely benefit from NOT having to worry about mom while he heals. Hugs to you.

[nanotech]

Love and all the best for your brother and for you and I hope all  goes well with his results. I'm sorry you're having to manage your mum like this at this difficult time. 
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[wisingup]

Thank you, all you kind people.  Brother is having a rough go of it in the hospital - lots of pain.  He's groggy from the pain drugs, but is clear enough to be very scared.  He told me today that he doesn't have any official lab results yet, but his doctor was "not at all encouraging".

I really can't wrap my head around this.  We've been spending so much time together lately due to my mom's issues & episodes.  Now it is entirely possible that she could outlive him.  He's my only sibling, my big brother, & the only person in the world who understands what is was like growing up with my parents.  The only one who was there for so much of what of what I write about on this site.  He's loud & big-hearted & full of life.  Everything was fine a week ago.  Kind of falling apart here, in front of my DH and you kind people.  I hope to visit him tomorrow if he's up to it & I will stay calm & strong for him, but damn this sucks.

[Sneezy]

wisingup - I'm so sorry you and your brother are going through this.  Sending healing thoughts and hugs to you and your family - please keep us posted when you can.

[wisingup]

Update - brother is still in the hospital with some post-surgery complications, but seems to be turning a corner & should go home soon, possibly even later today.  Then on to the next step - meeting with the oncologist & planning how to fight the cancer.

I have to see uBPDm today to take her to a doctor's appt.  I called this AM to coordinate with her & got weepy waify "my son has cancer" mom.  I knew that particular personality had to be lurking about, waiting for her time on stage.   She went on about how she can't eat or sleep and no one is telling her anything. 

I call her as seldom as possible because it is so hard to deal with her (over)reactions. Brother's wife won't call for the same reason, she maintains vvLC with my mom for the past couple decades or so.   I've asked mom repeatedly to be strong for the sake of everyone else, but she can't manage it.  I'm not surprised, I knew it couldn't last. 

Also, regarding the no one is telling her anything - she got the complete story from Brother himself earlier this week and gets updates from me on anything major.  She has all the information.  What no one is giving her is the opportunity to wail and moan and work herself and us into a frenzy of drama and upset.

[moglow]

"No one is telling me anything" = I have to talk this to death while I work myself up into a lather over something I can't possibly change? Familiar. It doesn't have to be the sole topic of conversation, mom. He's doing what he needs to do, coming to grips with the diagnosis and treatment options. Idea: he'll talk about it when he's ready or when there's more to say. If he's not talking he's not ready!

Mine does it too, fwiw. Came unglued all over me when I didn't tell her things that werent mine to tell, *after* she'd talked to my brother/the patient about it. Heard it from the source as she should, but no. Actually that was the last time we talked, she started there and completely fell apart. She unloaded years of anger and resentment and fabricated b.s. It finally stopped when she ran out of steam, it hit me then we really had nothing further to say. It kind of highlighted how little common ground or interest there was, how limited our contact had been for a very long time.

[Boat Babe]

I am so sorry to read of your brother's diagnosis and all this additional PD crap that you are having to deal with. It's really hard.

And, predictably, other people in the family being very ill takes all the focus off them and they HATE that. King baby. It is utterly despicable to do this to the person who is ill and to the rest of the family who need to keep everything going while supporting a loved one.  It shows zero empathy, zilch, nada. That's why they were so toxic when they were in in their prime and we were little kids.

My son was four and a half when he was diagnosed with leukaemia and in addition to all the feelings you can all imagine, one was "omg I have to tell my mother. She is gonna make this whole situation worse." 

Amazingly, she reined it in and was a relatively neutral player in the whole two plus years medical drama, for which I was grateful. She was hardly a rock for me though. And she did revert to type every now and then She was up visiting when our kid's temperature spiked one evening and we had to take him to hospital immediately. This was the protocol and we weren't going to mess with me it, mum visit or no mum visit. We left her in a warm, functioning house with food, the television etc. ExH and I take kiddo up to hospital, get him settled in, and exceptionally don't stay overnight with him  because of mum (he knows the nurses and gets spoiled rotten so it's not desperate). ExH and I pop into the pub for one, count em, beer to decompress and have a calm half  hour and go home. My mother is in a lather of anxiety and rage. "WHERE HAVE WE BEEN? " How dare we abandon her in this cottage in the middle of nowhere (it was a semi detached house in a village!). Yada yada yada.  We were two exhausted parents, who had also been at work all day, were heartbroken by seeing kiddo so poorly and it was all about her.

My baby boy is now 25.

[wisingup]

Congratulations Boat Babe - to you and hubby and your miracle baby!  I'm so glad you got the happy ending.

My wonderful DH offered to go with me to my mom's appt, which meant that weepy waify mom could not be on stage - she won't do that in front of him.  We did have the following conversation that I am certain I have read about others on this site having with their PDs:

Me:  "Please don't unload your upset on me, I can't handle it"
uBPDm:  "But I have to because I don't have anyone else to talk about it with"

In other words, I state a need, and she invalidates it without a second thought because it conflicts with her need.  Our relationship in a nutshell.

She also told me this morning (while we were on the phone & she was still in weepy waify state) that she couldn't come to Thanksgiving because she was too upset.  I just said "OK" knowing that she would change her mind.  And she had already changed it when DH and I arrived at her house & now she wanted to know how she would get to my house & back that day. 

The easiest thing would be for her to ride with my aunt & uncle who live a couple blocks from her, but she's on the outs with them right now & doesn't want to do that.    Also, the nice mom of last weekend who wanted to learn to use Uber so I didn't have to take her grocery shopping every weekend is gone & she wants me to come this weekend.  I really need a weekend off, so I'll set her up with a delivery.  We'll see how Thanksgiving shakes out as it gets closer.

[moglow]

It's so tiresome, isn't it, the continual invalidation that her need is somehow greater than anyone else's? When you can, try and not take on her stuff. She can jolly well arrange the uber she spoke of before OR suck it up to ride with aunt and uncle, without 16 discussions between now and then.


I understand she has limitations - as do we all. Most of us are doing the best we can at any point in time, without someone trying to make it harder. You keep doing your best for you and yours, and all my very best to your brother also.

[Danie]

Wow! That's a lot and crazy timing. You sound very clear-headed and strong. I thought you were going to finish your post with being upset you had to take care of your mom on your own now, without your brother, but you didn't. Impressive.

Your description of uNBPD mom's behavior made me laugh because it sounds so familiar. 

One minute at a time would be my suggestion. It sounds like your biggest worry is your precious brother. Maybe prioritize that issue, for now? My grandmother overcame colon cancer (not saying that's what it is) with just surgery, several years ago. I think cancer treatments have gotten so much better as well.

My mom is 83 and on the decline. The good news is that she has lost a lot of power to hurt people! I bet your mom has too. If you're worried she's going to interfere with your brother's well-being, she probably won't be able to like she used to.

Take care. I will say a prayer for your brother.

[wisingup]

It's so tiresome, isn't it, the continual invalidation that her need is somehow greater than anyone else's? When you can, try and not take on her stuff. She can jolly well arrange the uber she spoke of before OR suck it up to ride with aunt and uncle, without 16 discussions between now and then.

Thanks for understanding Moglow - Yes, it's so tiresome - her need to be front and center at all times, without actually being helpful in any way.  She really doesn't live that far from me, so getting her for Thanksgiving is the least of my worries.  Somehow we'll get her there and back and it won't be a big deal, but its a little bit of drama she can create right now.

It sounds like your biggest worry is your precious brother. Maybe prioritize that issue, for now?

Yes, absolutely Danie.  And I agree, my mom can't hurt me anymore the way she used to, but she can drive me nuts & take over my life if I let her.  My challenge is not to let her.  Thanks for helping me stand strong everyone.