Me me me me me

[p123]

Are the only words I seem to get from Dad.....

EVERYTHING seems focused on what he WANTS? Which is mainly I visit him a certain amount of times per week. Even if I don't want to.

He will pull every trick in the book. Fake illnesses, ambulance calls, but his long runner is "no food". He gets me to get his groceries every week and deliberately runs it low so he runs out of things and I have to visit (he thinks!)

Im between jobs at the moment (I do IT contract work) and all he seems concerned about is whether any job will mean I have to travel. i.e. will affect my ability to serve him.

My kids he does not bother with AT ALL. They are just an annoyance taking my time away from him. He is constantly telling me how I should treat them. e.g "tell them they can't do this because you have to visit me".

Like I said, I've got a new job. I've got to go to London for two days next week so can't visit him. You would have thought I'd told him I'd been sentenced to 30 years in Alcatraz....
All I got was "cant you tell them you can't go because there's no-one to look after me!". NOOOO!!!!! Like my new client will be well impressed with that. 2 days in London and I'm backing out already!

Bear in mind, HE DOES NOT NEED PERSONAL CARE. He has "meals on wheels" and my brother gets groceries for him so hes not going to starve!

He is sucking the damn life out of me!

[SunnyMeadow]

It's really childlike, isn't it? Imagine waking up and thinking about all the things others should be doing for us. I don't want others to do for me, I can do them just fine and they can look after themselves.

My mother is the same. She is quick to tell me how much others do for her as a clue to me that I should be doing the same. I just imagine what a relief it will be when I don't have to deal with her anymore. 

[Boat Babe]

P133. I say this with respect and concern, but you are letting him suck the damn life out of you.

Of course he is initiating this dreadful behaviour and has conditioned you to respond because of FOG. The responsibility for his ghastly, soul sucking behaviour is entirely on him. He will continue with it FOR AS LONG AS YOU LET HIM.  He can't change.

You can. You can set boundaries that protect you and your FOC. You can work on undoing the conditioning through Therapy, bodywork, breathing, meditation, support groups, reading, journalling, self care etc. You can transform your inner life over time, with work, so that the rest of your life is not poisoned by your father's pathology.

I would start with you writing out a list, for yourself, of what you will and won't do for your dad.   EG. I am happy to order food from the supermarket for dad and have them deliver it. I won't drive halfway across the country, after a day's work,  to bring him a pint of milk.  I am happy to talk to him twice a week. I won't take additional pity calls.

Maybe check out the wisdom of Woman Interrupted who had ghastly elderly PDs. Very funny and wise woman.

[FromTheSwamp]

I would tell him that your new job will have you a lot busier than you've been, and that you need to set up a schedule for groceries.  You can decide how often you actually prefer to see him in person (once a week, once a month, never ever) and tell him you will be there that often, and that you're happy to set up food delivery for him when you can't be there. And then stick to it. 

[nanotech]

Hi P123 
My dad too!
The same with the exaggerated/ fake symptoms, unnecessary doctor and A&E trips.
Interesting that recently I've  started to state my own health needs around a certain planned visit that's coming up.
I realised too that for decades, I had  been minimising my own needs,  and this was enabling  more whiny demands and expectations from him.
They don't have to be health needs. They can be your family's health needs. They can be your family commitments, your work needs. 
In a chat with youngest daughter, who guided me, I came to understand that I had to calmly and unemotionally, not JADING  in any way but to speak in statements, not questions, stating my truths, to dad.
I tried this last week and no-one was more surprised than me when it worked.
I think your  dad tends to be more overtly aggressive  than mine though. It's tricky. It also isn't acceptable. 
I'd suggest a classroom management ( yup am an ex teacher) strategy. The minute his voice starts to rise,  call time out on the call. I mean the Very Second It Starts. Ring off calmly, you do not have to give a reason. Doesn't matter if he's claiming  he has no food in the house. You have to be hard- he has all his faculties, a phone and money. Plus he's a grown up. Grown ups keep food in the house daily.
  If you do this consistently, it should break this habit of aggression he adopts in order to force your hand.
He'll always be me me me me me just like my dad. Work with that expectation of him and you'll solve it.

[Sneezy]

Oh p123, I hear you!  My mom is currently sucking the life out of me, too (and I know, Boat Babe, I'm letting her do it, but she is a professional  ).

So the food thing - how many of our parents are truly starving or even a little bit low on food?  None of them!  But boy do they use food as an excuse to keep us running.  Because God forbid, Mom gets low on cookies.  My mom gets three meals a day provided by her senior living complex.  She is seeing a man who loves to cook for her.  I took her to the grocery store 5 days ago and she spent over $100 on junk food.  But first thing this morning - before I had even poured my coffee - she was texting me a list of things she was out of and I just had to go get for her 

It is never ending.  As soon as we figure out a strategy that works, they seem to come up with something else.  What a miserable way to live.  I am scared to death of turning into my mother.  I don't ever want to be as miserable as she is.  My dad could be a bit of a hypochondriac and somewhat of a fussbudget, but boy oh boy, I hope I am like dad in my old age, not like my mom.

[Cat of the Canals]

I would start with you writing out a list, for yourself, of what you will and won't do for your dad.   EG. I am happy to order food from the supermarket for dad and have them deliver it. I won't drive halfway across the country, after a day's work,  to bring him a pint of milk.  I am happy to talk to him twice a week. I won't take additional pity calls.

This. I think you've mentioned before that he refuses extra grocery expenditures, but one of the Medium Chill responses is: "This is not my problem. If you want to make it my problem I will find a solution to this that suits me and there is every chance that it will not suit you. If you want a solution that suits you, then you need to go work on that & leave me out of it."

Very simply, he's asking you for a FAVOR. It is only reasonable to expect that you will complete the task AS IS MOST CONVENIENT FOR YOU. If he wants things done a certain way (only a certain brand of milk, no extra delivery charge, etc., etc., etc.) then he can sort it out himself. Asking you to comply with his picky demands is absurd.

Of course, I know he isn't reasonable, few PDs are. So he'll whine and moan and pitch a fit. But you just put up the Grey Rock walls and let him cry a river, because really... is paying a bit extra for delivery/etc. actually a big deal? No. He can try to make it one all he wants, but that's his problem.

[p123]

It's really childlike, isn't it? Imagine waking up and thinking about all the things others should be doing for us. I don't want others to do for me, I can do them just fine and they can look after themselves.

My mother is the same. She is quick to tell me how much others do for her as a clue to me that I should be doing the same. I just imagine what a relief it will be when I don't have to deal with her anymore. 

Yes I often hear about my SIL and how "wonderful" she is and what she does for him.....

Lives a mile away, no kids, works part-time. I live 30 miles away, got 2 kids - but ,my wife is the devil incarnate it seems....

[p123]

P133. I say this with respect and concern, but you are letting him suck the damn life out of you.

Of course he is initiating this dreadful behaviour and has conditioned you to respond because of FOG. The responsibility for his ghastly, soul sucking behaviour is entirely on him. He will continue with it FOR AS LONG AS YOU LET HIM.  He can't change.

You can. You can set boundaries that protect you and your FOC. You can work on undoing the conditioning through Therapy, bodywork, breathing, meditation, support groups, reading, journalling, self care etc. You can transform your inner life over time, with work, so that the rest of your life is not poisoned by your father's pathology.

I would start with you writing out a list, for yourself, of what you will and won't do for your dad.   EG. I am happy to order food from the supermarket for dad and have them deliver it. I won't drive halfway across the country, after a day's work,  to bring him a pint of milk.  I am happy to talk to him twice a week. I won't take additional pity calls.

Maybe check out the wisdom of Woman Interrupted who had ghastly elderly PDs. Very funny and wise woman.

You are right of course. Sorry Im just ranting!!!!

WI is indeed a saint - I read a lot of her posts. Very funny.

[p123]

Oh p123, I hear you!  My mom is currently sucking the life out of me, too (and I know, Boat Babe, I'm letting her do it, but she is a professional  ).

So the food thing - how many of our parents are truly starving or even a little bit low on food?  None of them!  But boy do they use food as an excuse to keep us running.  Because God forbid, Mom gets low on cookies.  My mom gets three meals a day provided by her senior living complex.  She is seeing a man who loves to cook for her.  I took her to the grocery store 5 days ago and she spent over $100 on junk food.  But first thing this morning - before I had even poured my coffee - she was texting me a list of things she was out of and I just had to go get for her 

It is never ending.  As soon as we figure out a strategy that works, they seem to come up with something else.  What a miserable way to live.  I am scared to death of turning into my mother.  I don't ever want to be as miserable as she is.  My dad could be a bit of a hypochondriac and somewhat of a fussbudget, but boy oh boy, I hope I am like dad in my old age, not like my mom.

Oh yes hes never going to starve...

I bought him a chest freezer - he keep it almost empty.... I buy double - he moans he doesnt want to spend that much in one go (hes not skint hes loaded!)
I offered to get deliveries done - he doesnt want strangers knocking his door.

Its his trump card - I've got no food you'll have to visit. I honestly think he doesnt really want a visit and doesnt need the food but he loves the feeling that he can get me to visit when he wants......

Honestly, I dont know how he does it. Tricking someone into visiting you....

[Sneezy]

I honestly think he doesnt really want a visit and doesnt need the food but he loves the feeling that he can get me to visit when he wants......

It's control.  Your dad "wins" in his mind when he forces a visit.  So many games . . . my mom's latest is to see if she can "get away with" not using her cane.  Never mind that she may fall, break a hip, and wind up in a nursing home.  It's a game that she must win.  I don't get it . . .

[foggyme]

P123, I think I am sort of petty for feeling this but I think I'd tell him I have a three months contract in Sweden, just to see him squirm and try to get me convinced to back out of it. Making all this trouble for two days away from home is selfish, childless and thoughtless.

[daughter]

Operative assumption for Nparents is that our time is their time to expend and utilize to serve their whims and demands. Years ago, I had a demanding corporate job, a family of my own, and no household help, yet continually fielded NM's calls to "go help" nsis, to relieve NM's expectation that nsis needed my free household help, so that Nmom didn't need to do this herself. Nsis had hired household staff, and my aid was still expected. Uh huh.

[p123]

P123, I think I am sort of petty for feeling this but I think I'd tell him I have a three months contract in Sweden, just to see him squirm and try to get me convinced to back out of it. Making all this trouble for two days away from home is selfish, childless and thoughtless.

Tell me about it..... I had a contract for the last few years that was local so he knew he was safe.

BUT the kind of work I do sometimes means trips away. Some people do mon-fri away all week - not for me. Its changed a lot with Covid and a lot more stuff is remote. BUT there are still some things where you need to like, as you can see, spend a few days away.

Dad has spent the last few weeks in a state of panic in case I take a contract that involved "some" time away. He goes on and on - "well you can;t work away can you?". Its become obsessive to be honest. Hes not cared one iota for me or whether its good for me - its all about how it affects HIM. But thats him 100%.

To be honest, both my wife and I would LOVE to say we're emigrating to the US. I could just imagine - most parents would be sad but happy for their kids, my Dad would turn into an evil monster and do what he could to stop it.

[p123]

Operative assumption for Nparents is that our time is their time to expend and utilize to serve their whims and demands. Years ago, I had a demanding corporate job, a family of my own, and no household help, yet continually fielded NM's calls to "go help" nsis, to relieve NM's expectation that nsis needed my free household help, so that Nmom didn't need to do this herself. Nsis had hired household staff, and my aid was still expected. Uh huh.

Oh yes free time belongs to them....

I once made the mistake of mentioning I'd visited someone once a few miles from Dad. (He was the group leader of the youth group when I was a kid and he was dying of cancer)....

All Dad was concerned about was I didn't make time to see him as well. Like you, I'm the same. Without making it sound like I'm the only one whos got it tough, I've got work, my wife has fibromyalgia, my 18 year old has asperters, and I've got anm 8 year old. And I'm 53 lol! Dad does not give a monkeys about any of this..... If I'm not working and in the area I MUST visit.

So know I practice a 10 mile excusion zone. Never admit to Dad I've been within 10 miles of there he lives...... Or there'll be hell to pay!

[Cat of the Canals]

To be honest, both my wife and I would LOVE to say we're emigrating to the US. I could just imagine - most parents would be sad but happy for their kids, my Dad would turn into an evil monster and do what he could to stop it.

100% what happened with my mother when I told her we were moving 1500 miles away. She was very nasty to me, and then went crying to my brother (who I'm close with) and asked him straight up, "How do we stop this?" Thankfully his answer was, "I don't think we can????"

[FlowerPot]

Mother was exactly the same - thinking up reasons where we HAD to visit / and how can you move so far away "what about ME"

then I twigged where she got it from - she once  said "I was so upset going on my honeymoon, my mother was taken ill at my  wedding and didn't want me to leave her "

[foggyme]

Mother was exactly the same - thinking up reasons where we HAD to visit / and how can you move so far away "what about ME"

then I twigged where she got it from - she once  said "I was so upset going on my honeymoon, my mother was taken ill at my  wedding and didn't want me to leave her "

A mother's love, right? It's funny as almost everytime I hear about how a mother loves her children it's either from my manipulative mother or from other boastful mothers.

[p123]

To be honest, both my wife and I would LOVE to say we're emigrating to the US. I could just imagine - most parents would be sad but happy for their kids, my Dad would turn into an evil monster and do what he could to stop it.

100% what happened with my mother when I told her we were moving 1500 miles away. She was very nasty to me, and then went crying to my brother (who I'm close with) and asked him straight up, "How do we stop this?" Thankfully his answer was, "I don't think we can????"

Yeh thats just awful.....

[p123]

Jeez - hes unbelievable. I did go to London yesterday but told him it was 3 days......

Phoned him last night. "Oh I've been so worried sick about you up there". Eh?
"Its not safe on the underground" (subway). Eh again? Millions of londoners use it every day. I think hes been watching too many movies....

Its London, yes its a very big city but generally its safe. He has no clue. Its just drama again for the sake of it.

Hes probably been to London 3 times in his life and probably not for 30 years!

I lost it and said this is my job and him flapping like this is completely crazy. His excuse - I can't help it I worry.
I told him in future, keep his mouth shut, I dont want to hear it because hes now being very selfish and affecting me and my job.

Am I right here or being a bit unfair? I get that he worries but there is no need for it. Its like being smothered.

BTW - I have told him he needs to talk to his doctor about his anxiety and worry but he point blank refuses. He believes that "normal" people cant have mental issues,,,,