Black or white

[losingmyself]

I'm just going to throw this out there... maybe it's not possible.
But if she says she's not going to take care of the kids while you go on your work trip, then find a place that the kids can go to while you're gone. A relative, a friend, etc. Or, can they join you?
Then when stbx asks about it, you can say "well, you said you weren't going to watch them, so I made other arrangements for them"
It takes the control away from her.
This last conversation and her threats made you tell her that you'll think about the divorce some more, which says to me that she just 'won' this conversation.
Stay your course. You're doing great!

[square]

That idea also has the effect of unmasking her. She'll have to rush to get the Perfect Mother mask back on for the public.

[escapingman]

Thanks all. Obviously she picked the discussion exactly when she knew she would have the advantage, 5 minutes before my taxi to the airport would arrive.... I know I can't win unless I cut it and go full on war. She doesn't want a divorce, at all. Whatever. I am providing for her, she doesn't want to work. She wants her cosy lifestyle, and me to take her on holidays etc. I am away for a week now, I need to get my thoughts straight this week.

Thanks all.

[square]

Did you leave for the trip or cancel it?

[escapingman]

I left.

[escapingman]

She was never going to just go, she would have looked so bad to lots of people.

[square]

Good call.

If you had stayed, you would have been in excellent company of people who had folded to a PD. Excellent company.

But it's way better that you left. And that you also understood the bluff - looking bad to you is no problemo but looking bad to other people?

[escapingman]

Having had some time to digest what happened yesterday I feel an enormous sadness that she lowered herself to act like she did. I am really starting to wonder what connection is not wired correct in her head, is she BPD or NPD or is she a complete psycho? I don't know, but what I really realised is she so desperately needs a caretaker. That has been me for so long, but I just can't do it anymore. I feel incredibly sorry for her, I want her to be well but I cannot sacrifice my own health any longer. I remember her highly narcissistic father telling me on our wedding, she is your problem now and we take no refunds. It was a joke, I laughed, but I have come to realise it was not only   a joke but he really thought she was my responsibility now.

STBX said if I go ahead with divorce she will fight me, I asked why can't we just split as friends and stay on good terms. The look in her face told me the entire story. I am waiting for my solicitor to come back to me about next steps.

[square]

Just a heads up. She may start looking for another man sooner than you think.

[escapingman]

Just a heads up. She may start looking for another man sooner than you think.

I am aware of that and that is one of my big worries, not only for how I will feel when that happens but for who that man would be and how he (they) would treat the girls. Just this fact in itself makes mu question if I should stay just to protect the kids. I am going insane over this.

To be honest, you just sent shivers down my spine.

[square]

I'm sorry hon

Fight for maximum legal and physical custody. Pull out every stop.

[SonofThunder]

I'm sorry hon

Fight for maximum legal and physical custody. Pull out every stop.

[escapingman]

Spoke to solicitor, sounds like I need more evidence and more recent evidence to have her removed from the house. Discussed various strategies, solicitor suggested to go to the session with stbx to show willingness. Then maybe try mediation to have someone talk to her she would benefit from agreeing to the divorce and not contest. Possible my best option is to give her another chance, let her settle in comfortable and then record the abuse when it starts again and then have her removed.

This is driving me insane, who invented PD's.

[SonofThunder]

EM, thanks for the update on your meeting.   I will repeat my opinion that you have declared a truth-war to free yourself and your children from abuse. 

If ever go through a divorce, i will carefully chose an attorney based on my needs, the situation, and the attorney's understanding of both.  My wife would likely do the same in her choice of an attorney.   In addition, I will lean heavily on truth and law and my attorney represents that for me, therefore i choose to follow the attorneys advice based on truth and law, or find a different attorney if I believe the previous attorney is not working well on my behalf. 

Truth is truth and hopefully laws are based on truth and past experiences/solutions.  What I may perceive as truth, may not be enough (lawfully) to do what I desire, so therefore i must reevaluate the truth to determine if I can back off of that specific desire in the short-term, to accomplish my goals long-term, or to not have what i perceived as truth, backfire on me in some negative way. 

Relating it to your experience and solicitors comments, i understand EM's desire to be:

A: EM desires to remove himself from abuse
B: EM desires to remove his children from abuse
C: EM desires a divorce from stbx
D: EM desires to be granted full custody of the children.

My thoughts are:

-If EM cannot get sbtx removed, can EM remove himself from the home and also legally have the children go with him?

-If EM is advised by the solicitor to stay in the home to record abuse, this is not accomplishing the goals of A and B.  In fact, it may make the abuse of all parties worse, as stbx makes the house a living hell for all, for EM having declared a war, only to have him retreat or call a truce.  Imo, there is no truce with PD's, only increased situations and opportunities for PD's to devalue and discard through manipulation and control, to punish the non.

-If EM departs the home now, and moves proactively in full with his declared truth-war and divorce, will stbx actually begin being very kind to the children because sbtx knows she's under a microscope in the truth-war?  If yes, then there is no current need to remove stbx from home/children as life will (in the PD facade) improve for children temporarily.  This also allows EM to live elsewhere and operate from a more mentally-healthy position during the truth-war/divorce. 

-During the truth-war's time frame, (EM out of home/children and sbtx in-home) can it be arranged by EM (using what truth you currently have) that the children should have ongoing, periodic, private counselor meetings (not influenced by sbtx), because of the past home turmoil and current divorce, where the children may actually reveal enough additional abuse to a professional 3rd party, that the counselor recommends (if truthfully necessary) that stbx should be removed from the children?  *i have no experience with this so not sure what is legally possible, just thinking strategically and there may be some here on Out of the FOG who have experienced hind-sight wisdom to add. 

-Then In the proactive, ongoing divorce, EM uses truth (past and ongoing) to seek full custody in the settlement. 

Me personally, once I declare a divorce truth-war, i am not retreating or trying to declare a truce or temporary cease-fire.  Imo that is the perfect recipe for an onslaught of covert PD abuse.  I will move boldly forward and move along the very fluid legal obstacle course to try and obtain my goals and win the truth-war. 

SoT

[escapingman]

Thanks SoT, my solicitors first recommendation is to file as soon as possible and push on with the divorce. I am just very scared....

[SonofThunder]

Thanks SoT, my solicitors first recommendation is to file as soon as possible and push on with the divorce. I am just very scared....

That is fully expected to be scared.  War is scary stuff...even a truth war.  Also, unknowns are scary but knowns are manageable.  Imo, press forward boldly in battle for your children and proactively turn unknowns to knowns, by using your solicitors advice (assuming the solicitor fully understands your needs and kids needs).

I will be here reading your reports back from the front lines of battle and as a comrade on Out of the FOG interjecting my thoughts, opinions and encouragement along with others.  You are not alone!   Lastly, never lose sight of the predicted peace at the end of the war.  Many comrade divorce veterans here have battled wars before you and have already advised on this thread, of the eventual post-war peace.  Have hope!

SoT

[Rose1]

Dhs expdw found option 2 before she filed for divorce. That didn't pan out so she found option 2b. It stretched a very nasty divorce to 5 years. Do learned about location, location, location and found the song all my exes live in Texas to have a lot of truth in it. He was given the same advice by a colleague.  Texas tends to expect people to be a bit more responsible for themselves.
Find out where the rules are easier. Dh relocated stuff to Texas and changed his jurisdiction.  In hindsight the judge had actually suggested he do that. Things improved from then on, coinciding with option 2b.
Disclaimer,  ths was over 12 years ago.

One thing to remember, she will likely groom one of the kids to be caretaker.  This does not end well.

[escapingman]

One thing to remember, she will likely groom one of the kids to be caretaker.  This does not end well.

She has got quite a fair bit with this with GC, henne the importance I don't lose track of the end goal.

[escapingman]

I am really sorry to write this, but I am struggling. I am at the end here, I don't know what to do. I have no energy, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, all I can think of doing right now is to have a drink and forget about it all. I can't concentrate, working is almost impossible. This latest thing where she refuse to accept the divorce and realising I am going to be stuck with her for some time has knocked me out. The latest now is that a very close relative to her who has been terminally ill for some time probably will go in the very near future. This will send her on to her next roller coaster and I don't think I can do it. I can really feel the pressure in my head and that something will just tilt unless I get out of this. I really would not be surprised if I end up in hospital with a nervous breakdown very soon.

[square]

I am so sorry.

Could you still get 50-50 custody if you threw some stuff into a bag and went to a hotel right now? And just try to cope this weekend then file the next step of the divorce next week?