Why do they fake empathy?

[mary_poppins]

So, my aunt and uncle (on my mother's side) got Covid and their symptoms were pretty bad. So bad that I thought they won't recover. I was worried. (they're better now)
Anyway, my mother called my aunt daily and showed a lot of empathy. She sometimes showed too much. I am 100% convinced she has no empathy. She is not sad for what happened to my aunt or her husband. She hasn't shown sadness.

I know me or my brothers were sick when we were little and she couldn't give a damn. All her care or concern felt forced or fake. So why is she showing empathy to my aunt?

I am thinking that maybe because I was home and was waiting for some news from my aunt. Did she show concern to try to woo me or impress me as part of the grooming process? I know that my PD mother has long periods where she grooms me and tries to make nice (it's sickening and I'm rarely convinced of it) Could that be it?

Are your parents the same way and do you know why they fake empathy?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Could be that, could be just the joy of the drama. Maybe she thought she'd be put in the will if she were nice in their last agony. Or she saw an easy way to look good to other people. It really doesn't matter why. You know from long experience with your M it's a dog and pony show, conducted for selfish reasons. Trust yourself. 

[Sneezy]

People who show concern and empathy are often trusted with information.  And information is something valuable to someone with a PD.  They like to be "in the know."  They especially like to be the first to know.  Secrets, information, trust - these are valuable commodities that can be traded and passed along to create attention, craft a narrative, or just stir the pot when they're bored.

[Hazy111]

Image control , narc supply , 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Empathy could be faked for a few reasons, but in this case I would vote that it was for the adrenaline rush of the drama and attention she got when speaking to your aunt and uncle. Perhaps they were happy to hear from her and expressed gratitude when they spoke and it fueled her ego. The uncertainty of the illness stirred drama, which she also got energized from. 
   
I have seen faked empathy all the time in my FOO. Like you said, it is kind of a bit too much. You can tell when it is not real. You do not have to address the topic at all, just stand knowingly in silent observer mode.   

[moglow]

Her daily calls were probably a nuisance. If they're really sick with covid, they weren't feeling sociable. At all. They were likely struggling to contain coughs and breathe normally - talking wasn't a priority. (The last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone - I wanted sleep more than anything and grasped every opportunity my body provided to do just that. Phone calls would have ticked me off!)

I dont understand why one would feel "sad" for them, but compassion and empathy were certainly called for. But yes, my guess is she just wanted part of the drama of it all and maybe have a covid story to share later. My mother was infamous for making hospital or death bed visits to people she didn't even talk to any other time. She clung to the hospital bed of the one sister she'd bad mouthed all our lives, stayed nearby for a week until sis went home. To my knowledge she didn't see or speak to her again, mother just retold old snarky stories about her.

[Worthy of Care]

It really doesn't matter why. You know from long experience with your M it's a dog and pony show, conducted for selfish reasons. Trust yourself. 

   I agree. Trust yourself.

[JustKathy]

There are many reasons for faking empathy, but as others have pointed out, the top reason is likely because she wants to be a part of the drama. In fact, she's probably jealous of them for being sick with a life-threatening illness because they're getting more attention than her.

My Nmother hated everyone in her FOO, but when my grandmother was dying she put on an utterly sickening display of empathy. She was emailing siblings who she hadn't talked to in years, and even nieces and nephews she had never met. She was part of an email chain where she kept posting her thoughts and prayers and whatever, then would turn around and tell us that she hoped her mother would hurry up and die.

It's all an act so they can be included in the drama and put forward an image of being a wonderful and compassionate person. All fake fake fake.

I should add that I'm really glad to hear that your aunt and uncle are recovering. So sorry they had to go through this.

[Cat of the Canals]

People who show concern and empathy are often trusted with information.  And information is something valuable to someone with a PD.  They like to be "in the know."  They especially like to be the first to know.  Secrets, information, trust - these are valuable commodities that can be traded and passed along to create attention, craft a narrative, or just stir the pot when they're bored.

This. PDmom and PDmil are very big on knowing all the details of someone's illness/tragedy/etc. because it makes them feel important. PDmil then uses it as gossip fodder for literally everyone she meets (like bank tellers and store cashiers, no joke). If she has "bad news" then she feels it trumps everyone else's "normal news" and she can dominate the conversation with it.

My PDmom also expresses worry so that other people will reassure her. If I'm sick, she will fawn and worry, but the expectation is that I tell her, "It's not a big deal. I'm fine." Even if it is a big deal.

[mary_poppins]

Hi guys. Thanks so much for your insightful theories on this topic. You are all right and I'm getting a bit sick to my stomach to process this information.

It's true what you said, because NM had access to this information, she was able to show care and concern and not because she truly cared. She loved being in the know and she loved getting the attention for it. I didn't have this perspective on narcissists before my relatives got sick or if I did, it didn't register.
But what I've noticed, both my parents adore the drama coming from my aunt and uncle. It's just sickening.

Moglow, I know what you mean about Covid. My uncle can't get out of the bed to do anything, he can't even stand up. My aunt had a less severe case and when she could talk, she talked to my mother. I think my mother shouldn't have bothered her with calls so she could rest and recharge. My aunt is not PD and cannot say no to my mother. I'm sorry you had covid.

[moglow]

It wasnt a fun time but I got through with a little help from friends. That compassion and empathy I spoke of? A good friend knew I wasn't well, not eating because a) I had no appetite and just plain didnt care, and b) couldn't smell or taste anything. She simply showed up with bananas and Boost protein drinks so i'd get some nutrition in my system. She didn't insist on talking but I'd been alone over a week and needed the interaction. I sat at my door, she on the stairs nearby to talk a bit (her assessing whether I needed medical care, as she told me later). Just that few minutes and I was exhausted. Very different from calling and insisting I try to talk every day, carry on coherent conversations.

I could too easily see my mother doing same as yours, no practical advice or provision, just picking for information. The difference is, I wouldn't have answered her calls. I know and respect my own limits.

[p123]

Every single phone call Dad asks me "are the family all ok?" i.e. meaning my wife and kids (his grandchildren).
He does this because he knows he should. I've seen his note by his phone "ask p about the family" so he doesn't forget.

In reality he doesn't care a monkeys. Hes not seen his grandchildren for years - because hes not interested. They're just a distraction for me.

In the past (I don't bother now) I've told him about problems (our eldest has Aspergers and its been a tough ride) thinking (WRONGLY!) he'd cut me some slack. He showed concern for about 2 days, then it was a case of "well you've had two days to sort the problem now back to me!"

These days I tell him nothing....

[mary_poppins]

moglow-WOW! Your friend coming to your door and talking to you during recovery time-that was so sweet. I can see now the difference between what my mom did (calling aunt and insisting on getting information) and what your friend did.
p123-so your dad needs to remind himself to ask about your family's health JUST to keep a fake image of care and concern? Wow. This shows they really don't give a shit but they need to fake it to get on our good terms.

[p123]

moglow-WOW! Your friend coming to your door and talking to you during recovery time-that was so sweet. I can see now the difference between what my mom did (calling aunt and insisting on getting information) and what your friend did.
p123-so your dad needs to remind himself to ask about your family's health JUST to keep a fake image of care and concern? Wow. This shows they really don't give a shit but they need to fake it to get on our good terms.

Yep I've known full well that everything Dad does is just to keep me onside for me to be around to serve him.....

[mary_poppins]

Update on my aunt's situation. She got better and her husband, too. He had comorbidities and I was worried he'd not recover from this.
OK, so when my mother told me, she had an air of disappointment in her voice. She said ' I don't understand how they recovered from this, they should have been much worse!'  See, she actually wanted them to suffer and end up badly. This woman is vile! Yuck.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Show's over, too bad.

It is shocking when you see that kind of behavior from your mother. Been there myself. I'm glad your aunt and uncle are recovering.

You'd already peeked behind the curtain... if she didn't care when her own children were ill, this isn't exactly news that the empathy isn't working. Good job being in observer mode on this one. Take care.

[moglow]

Almost predictable, isn't it? The lack of insight and compassion never ceases to amaze me.

[Olive]

I don't think NPD individuals can feel empathy, but they recognize it in others and it's a tool.  All people are only, ever, paper dolls being staged.  She might be doing this because empathy is free and gives her clout among those of her generation. 

For example, my mother took my sister to bars when she poised as an undercover prostitute and then told the church and her family she was a prostitute.  I was shocked to see the actual pediatrician's report where he stated this child is afraid and he refused to do a pelvic.  It made no sense when it happened.  Now, 50 years later, I feel my mother was grooming my sister to behave like a prostitute, so she could play the role of a condemning Good Christian woman raising a tramp.  She was punishing my father for not paying child support. The grooming can be extensive and you are not privy to how she is using the broad network, most of these people don't know they're being used.

Your job is trusting those spidey senses

[p123]

Show's over, too bad.

It is shocking when you see that kind of behavior from your mother. Been there myself. I'm glad your aunt and uncle are recovering.

You'd already peeked behind the curtain... if she didn't care when her own children were ill, this isn't exactly news that the empathy isn't working. Good job being in observer mode on this one. Take care.

Yep they like the drama.....

My uncle passed away the other week. Hadn't seen for maybe 20 years. Dad has been divorced from his sister for 50 years now. He used to have contact with the other sister but probably not for 20 years like me.

So what does he do? Phone her the day after her brother passes away. I said "no Dad not yet....." but no he had to speak to her to get the lowdown on what happened. I was mortified. Its not like they were close. Who, in time of grief, wants a call from a distant relative you've not spoken to for 20 years. (and an annoying one at that!)?

[mary_poppins]

@p123 Sorry for your uncle's passing. I don't know if you were close to him but I was close to my aunt and uncle as a child (those who god Covid) and built nice memories with them. Anyway, your dad doesn't understand social etiquette, especially during a death. The lack of empathy, combined with a lack of social skills, leads to cruel and awkward behavior. As moglow says, it can still amaze us how unsympathetic they are. I don't think I'll ever stop being amazed by their lack of humanity.