How To Handle Threats Emotionally & Psychologically?

[j.banquo]

At this point, I've been vaguely threatened by my parent; they said they would "call the police" if they didn't see or hear from me, and wouldn't even agree to not do it until after 3 weeks, or 1 week, or even 3 days, then said to me "I'll only do it if you give me cause for concern."

I've been living below them, that was yesterday, and I got the hell out of there last night as fast as possible.

Now I'm terrified, no matter where I am, even though they don't know where. Of course that was the intended effect, but I don't know if they'll follow through on that threat as well. I'm realizing that while they probably haven't done this, I wouldn't be surprised if they put a tracking device on my car at this point, ugh.

This caught me totally by surprise, it's so much worse than anything ever before, and I'm not acting different from how I have in the past, it's just them escalating their abuse. So, I have no idea what they'll react to or how, none at all.

So, I can't focus on anything, including all the important stuff I have to do, which I'm sure was also an intended effect. Stuff like clients who need work done, dealing with a real estate purchase, anything at all.

The idea of going back to my apartment is terrifying, and it is a godawful mess because of all the stress, and there are also cats there who need food and water. There isn't anyone around who can help me.

Since any direction I can go in carries a ton of risk to me, I feel frozen; there actually are no good options. I've chosen the best one, but now that I have a vague threat of "call the police about you" hanging over my head, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do...

Anyone have any ideas how to... do anything at all, lol?

[moglow]

They can absolutely "call the police" for a wellness check if concerned for your well being. Anyone can really. It's a formality unless you're a minor or otherwise dependent on them as guardians, in which case I would assume they have other options (such as forcing your return). Unless you've committed a crime, I'm not sure what they can do.

[FromTheSwamp]

I have read accounts of people in this situation who have contacted the police and told them about the situation.  I'm not sure if this would help put your mind at ease. 

[Hilltop]

Yes they can call the police but you won't be in trouble.  The police may contact you to check on your welfare and you only need to tell them that you are fine.

Please go and take care of your cats, go and get them and take care of them.  Hopefully with some distance, a new living arrangement, your pets with you, you can move forward.  I would not worry about the threat with the police.  You will not be in trouble, you simply need to say you are fine.

[square]

I called the police for a well check on my husband once. They came to the house. They had to make a prolonged attempt to get him to the door. They were relieved when he appeared. They told him he should call his wife. That was it.

Since he wasn't a minor, they didn't need anything except for him to answer the door. They did not need to see the state of his home or anything. 

I understand this threat is very intrusive to you. Having the police show up is a highly intrusive ploy for abusers, psychologically. However, I want to counsel you to not allow this to be a checkmate move. Go home, take care of your cats, do what you need to do.

It's clear you need to make plans to get out, though.

[Spring Butterfly]

One member told the police who showed up something to the effect of "I'm so sorry my parents troubled you, they're not stable"
Priceless

Seriously, though, I'm sorry you're feeling so triggered. Hopefully you can go home and take care of your fur babies! Threats and stalking are designed to instill fear where there is nothing. That gives away our power. The Traits topics are really helpful especially the Do and Don't sections.

[moglow]

Hope today is a better day for you, that you're more focused and confident in yourself. Take a deep breath and remember those furry creatures who need your care. Do that, then see what else is needed, for them as well as yourself.

[j.banquo]

Thanks everyone, you're awesome! I wasn't surprised to come back and find supportive replies here, but it felt really good.

I've been in contact with just a couple friends, firing off thoughts into a group chat thread and trusting they'll tell me to lay off (in a kind and supportive way) if it gets too intense.

It has been a really weird several days; no doubt that will continue.

----

Looks like this is a long one.

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The troubling thing is that I can't go near the apartment without accepting that I will have to do nothing for days afterwards in order to start recovering. That's simply the reality; I keep experiencing it no matter what I try to do differently.

After I've accepted that, left, and suffered the consequences, I start to think okay, maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe I'm overreacting to something (ha). Then it seems I have to spend another day or two recalibrating that back to the middle from the two poles. Then I have to repeat the process anyway...

Everything disappeared between Saturday and Monday - my enthusiasm, my attention span, my awareness that I have role models and people I admire now and throughout history, my certainty about what other people think of me, trust in my own judgment, certainty in what I know to be true and why, my concept of who trusts me and cares about me and vice versa, my self-esteem, my natural joy and happiness, my ability to work (or do anything but lie still and feel things non-judgmentally), my interests, ability to relax, on and on.

By disappeared, I mean I forgot they existed, I retreated into every kind of cave at once (even the place I'm renting is a tucked-away in-law studio), and then slowly started to remember I had these attributes, resources, skills, etc...

I was surprised to notice them coming back; what I'd been expecting (from many past experiences) if anything was to not see them again for years. I'm not at all confident they're back to stay; I'm not happy about that but that is grounded in past experience...

It all disappeared, I think, because I had these problems thrown at me, all at once:

• someone's keeping close track of your movements and wants to make sure that you know that
• someone who cares about you is weirdly refusing to agree not to call the police about you no matter what you try to negotiate as reasonable, even though you've proved that by their logic they can call the police on you whenever they want and it will always be acceptable when they do it; they even smiled malevalently when they made that clear, or did you imagine that
• you're hurting and abandoning your mother by telling her she is smart, and by attempting positive emotional engagement, and attempting closeness
• you're causing your mother all sorts of problems, so many that she can't even think of an example of what they are or how you could stop doing that to her, that's how bad you are, stop doing all of those things now

I'm not sure I can convince anyone that those problems were all thrown at me at once, but I swear they were, and if they were, I think I can expect to keep experiencing the consequences of having to deal with those problems.

---

The consequences that come down the chain, as there's only so much time in a day:

• miss new/any client deadlines repeatedly, with the same vague excuses, reducing their trust
• miss a window to hire the perfect candidate
• have to start multi-day projects all over again
• have to ignore problems like: the furnaces are broken, the phone isn't working, the errors on the credit report
  
• appear so crazy to people who don't know me yet (the stress and anxiety are having very visible effects on me physically, emotionally and cognitively - talking fast, shaking, jumping topics, looking terrified), that they back away slowly

I'm "positive" that I keep bringing all those problems down on myself, or that I'm trying to do too much, or am somehow sick as in hypomanic, or can't afford to do what I know I can, or am delusional about what is or isn't a good idea or affordable, or don't know what reality is at all.

"Positive" since I know for sure that it just isn't possible to take care of anything at all when someone is throwing baseballs at your head every five minutes to five days (who knows when, stay alert).

----

I can hear a lot of voices from the past saying I'm "making excuses for myself" for pointing out that if one of the most important people in my life throws twenty curveballs at my head at once, it will be impossible to do the things that needed to be done during the time I was dealing with those curveballs and their aftermath.

Even not dealing with the curveballs takes massive amounts of time and energy; you at least have to find a place with walls to go to and deal with the fact someone just threw twenty curveballs at you in an attempt to derail your career, financial success, and happiness.

---

So I "can't" go there.

I can't stay there, or I can't think straight, ever, at all - that's math and past experience.

The cats have an automatic feeder, so I can visit them every few days. I can't get them though, since I'm hopping around airbnbs, and can't have cats there. I can't bring the cats to the office either.

I'm trying to close on a house, and who knows when, or if I can actually even do it... with family support I wouldn't have to worry, but there is apparently none, and I'm juggling a lot, and as I keep getting attacked or sabotaged, balls get dropped and... you get the idea. I'm having to spend all sorts of money on hopping around, lenders don't like to see that. I'll set that whole set of actual problems and challenges aside, hahaha; that is its own huge thing.

It's unbelievable to watch myself whipsaw from living my life like anyone else to suddenly scrambling, "dropping every ball," and trying to hold my sanity together in response to what looks, to almost anyone else, like a non-issue... and is not a non-issue at all...

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The thing with the 'police' is that I am specifically vulnerable here, having a diagnosis of Bipolar II. I'm sure it would be fine anyway, but even having the police show up would probably precipitate being kicked out of the AirBNB immediately at least.

I actually don't think she would do it; it would bring way too much "shame" on "her." Then again, if she got to win Good Mom of the Year by sticking by me through a mental health crisis, maybe she would. She wouldn't have to have a chance at succeeding to be able to do immense damage to me right now.

I think it's the purposeful use of the worst possible threat against me, refusing to back down or compromise at all, and making sure it's as vague and therefore as threatening as it can be, that's likely what keeps sending me reeling the most, and it keeps escalating.

If I could say "enough, never again" right now, I would, but there are cats and at the very least my passport, birth certificate, social security card, and other important documents to get.

Also the sporadic journals I've kept, going back to the 90's...

----

Yes, I would sacrifice all of my furniture, electronics, kitchen equipment, books, and clothing, and only collect the most important documents to bring with me if I could, right now.

----

What I need to figure out is how to (if possible) keep whatever threat she thinks of next from affecting me, and that seems like quite a tall order.

But if there is an answer, it would be really nice to be able to face down these weird threats and the hostility without taking three to four days to be able to regain minimal function.

[square]

When I called the police for a well check for my husband, he was known to the police as a mental health case. They had Baker Acted him a year or two before.

The well check did not get him in any trouble. It wasn't reported to anyone else. There was no follow up. They just told him they were relieved to see him (since he was absolutely dead asleep and did not awaken for a while).

Having Bipolar II (which my H surely has) is not illegal.

[moglow]

  A diagnosis of Bipolar II or anything else [other maybe full on violent psychotic episode] isn't going to get you kicked out of anywhere. Your *behavior* and how you manage any such visit would determine what's in your best interests. Unless youre deemed a threat to yourself or others, they're just gonna go their merry way and possibly apologize for disturbing you. Read above for classic response of: "I'm so sorry my parents troubled you, they're not stable." Trust me, the police have seen it before.

It all disappeared, I think, because I had these problems thrown at me, all at once:

   
• someone's keeping close track of your movements and wants to make sure that you know that
• someone who cares about you is weirdly refusing to agree not to call the police about you no matter what you try to negotiate as reasonable, even though you've proved that by their logic they can call the police on you whenever they want and it will always be acceptable when they do it; they even smiled malevalently when they made that clear, or did you imagine that
• you're hurting and abandoning your mother by telling her she is smart, and by attempting positive emotional engagement, and attempting closeness
• you're causing your mother all sorts of problems, so many that she can't even think of an example of what they are or how you could stop doing that to her, that's how bad you are, stop doing all of those things now[/l][/l][/l][/l]

I think I understand how you got to that place, but honestly: None of those are YOUR problems. They're hers. Your mother is choosing to thrust her poor choices and consequences on you. You get to decide how [or IF] you respond to any of those situations, as is she

      
• Keeping track of my movements? I'm probably going to move more and go to some truly strange places, give you something to wonder about.
• They CAN call the police - but again, it's a threat with no weight. Absolute worst case scenario is you cowering in fear and refusing to answer the door, and they break in to make sure you're not laid out on the floor. Worst case. You don't have to explain that to your parents, but know it. Absorb it. Let it fill your mind with peace. If you feel up to it, go talk to local law enforcement and lay the scenario for them, ask what they would do if called and what you should do. Preemptive strike to put your own mind at ease.
• You're hurting and abandoning your mother by [list behavior of choice here]? SHE chooses how she responds, not you. You don't "make her" anything really - if she gets mad, sad, upset, it's ALL on her, same as for anyone else. We're each responsible for our own behavior.[/l][/l]
• You're being blamed for her problems? You're not the problem. Again, she's choosing how she responds. She's *reacting* to her own internal triggers just like we all do, just like you're doing with her dumping all her stuff in your lap.

My recommendation:  Limit what you share with your parents going forward, whether it's your fears, plans, doctor visits, hopes, dreams - anything they can shoot holes in and use as weapons against your peace. If they request a "well check" and you get a visit, don't mention that either. Limit your exposure to the poison while you find firmer footing. I understand the fears and paranoia, and one of the very best things I ever did for myself was removing ammunition from my mother. If I refuse to defend or deny, she's got nothing but her own sad speculation. JADE: is a good acronym to become familiar with - don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Your truth aren't going to be the same as theirs and that's okay - you STILL don't have to explain it to them or anyone else.
[/list][/list]

[square]

After I posted, I realized my saying my H was Baker Acted by the police (not in response to a well check, let me be clear) may make you nervous. I want to clarify.

When that happened, he was having a full on psychotic break. It wasn't a gray area.

It wasn't because he was nervous, or depressed, or that he didn't answer their questions right. It wasn't because he sounded paranoid. He was off his entire cookie.

There are a lot of "crazy" people in my town - schizophrenics, people who talk to themselves, people who wear scuba gear and tutus to the store, people who talk about extraterrestrial plots.

The police have no interest wasting their time commiting anyone who isn't actively disturbing the peace, a threat to themselves or others.

So as long as you keep your theories about the FBI and Xanadu to indoor voice levels when you answer the door, you're fine.

[j.banquo]

I think I understand how you got to that place, but honestly: None of those are YOUR problems. They're hers. Your mother is choosing to thrust her poor choices and consequences on you. You get to decide how [or IF] you respond to any of those situations, as is she

Oh I completely agree that they are her problems, absolutely, oh yes. I even developed strategies years ago for how to respond... let me see if I can clarify what I mean... Although I know there's a lot I can do to re-cement them as her problems in my psyche if I have to, I'm not sure I'm referring to them as "my problems" in the way it sounds.

So if the below still sounds like I'm thinking of them as my problems instead of hers, that isn't good, but I may be talking about the problems caused to me by the consequences of her trying to make those problems mine. Um, if that sentence made any sense...

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Unfortunately, she throws those problems at me. They're still hers, but I have to react to them somehow, no matter what. That makes them my problems to deal with. That's her intention, so she'll keep trying; its own problem.

In the same way that when I got mugged once it was my problem to deal with the ptsd, physical injuries, and getting a new drivers license. Or when my nephew used to dump his leftovers on my plate they became my problem to deal with (I'd usually eat them but sometimes threw them away), or when an old landlord decided to start throwing drug-fueled ragers directly in front of the entrance to my apartment, that was my problem to deal with: "how do I enter or exit my home with this level of social anxiety? through the window on the side somehow, or not at all" "find a new apartment immediately, pushing down all other priorities," etc.

When I recently rented a room, I confronted the landlord immediately about second-hand smoke; he said there wasn't any whilst practically in the middle of a cloud of cigarette smoke (never mess with someone who lies that blatantly with no shame), and I had to deal with the problems "pack everything, find a new place to stay for the next week, somehow try to get your money back for the week you paid for, and deal with the fallout from two missed days of work." In the midst of that, I left behind all of my medications in between refills, and have spent two days trying to get replacement pills, meanwhile missing the medications for two days (hopefully there will be no consequences from the two missed days). Side note - some people wanted me to try to reason with this person somehow, ha. I won't deal with that person again, of course, but that's the best I can do for myself there.

----

When someone has a problem and tries to give it to you, that's always a problem that has to be dealt with in some way, even just to recognize that it's happening and ignore it.

I think the only way to keep this from happening is to keep away from people who try to do this to you; I can't keep someone with a bucket full of tennis balls from chucking them at my head, and if I'm within striking distance, I have to react.

[moglow]

I over simplified and I'm sorry - it's not your problem *to fix/make all better* for your mother. Yes, once it's presented it's ours to deal with, but we have to decide which is ours and which is not. She can be as mad or upset as she chooses, you still get to decide what part of that is yours.

[moglow]

Many of us here were trained to respond in certain ways, that things are somehow our responsibility to fix whether that's the case or not. They gave it to us therefore it's ours! It takes time and a lot of work to unlearn and we stumble while we do that. There's no sure firm path, we just know what doesn't work, what keeps us in chaos and misery. No, the PD parents/siblings arent likely to respond well when we change what hurts us. Keep reminding yourself, this is nothing to do about payback or retaliation or hurting anyone, it's about righting ourselves as best we can.

[j.banquo]

I over simplified and I'm sorry - it's not your problem *to fix/make all better* for your mother. Yes, once it's presented it's ours to deal with, but we have to decide which is ours and which is not. She can be as mad or upset as she chooses, you still get to decide what part of that is yours.

I don't think you oversimplified at all; what you said is 100% true. If I sound like I'm splitting hairs or arguing, probably what I'm doing is just trying to nail down what's happening as precisely as possible to myself, so I can figure out which problems are real, which are mine, which are my responsibility no matter who 'caused' them, which are actionable, and so on...

She can hand me the problem "I am keeping tabs on you," and I can accept that as my problem or not (either "mom is keeping tabs on you" or "make sure she always knows where you are"). I tell her "you are not to do that, do not have to do it, and if you really feel like you need to call the police, tell me how I can put your mind at ease so that never has to happen." She rejected every solution (since the problem of not knowing where I am isn't real) threw it back to me as my problem, and I rejected it as my problem.

She may or may not have intended to create problems for me like "it feels horrible that someone who cares about me won't compromise about terrifying threats," or "find a place to stay that isn't where you live, since you can't think straight or sleep and have constant migraines if you stay where you live from now on," but her actions created those problems for me; in other words the escalating abusive behavior is having consequences; that always has consequences in any context.

She herself is "a problem," based on how she chooses to interact with and value me, and she isn't solvable, and problems like that keep spitting out other problems until they're dealt with. Or at least that sounds true in this moment, lol...

[j.banquo]

She herself is "a problem," based on how she chooses to interact with and value me, and she isn't solvable, and problems like that keep spitting out other problems until they're dealt with. Or at least that sounds true in this moment, lol...

Like if you drive a car that costs more money to fix than it is worth, and it keeps breaking down, it's a problem generator. It creates financial problems, transportation problems, career and relationship problems, and stress.

You may or may not be able to afford to buy a new car (that's a function of your circumstances), but if you don't replace the car, the one you have will keep generating new and very real problems for you to deal with.

That's a totally inappropriate way to think of a human being, but it didn't seem like anyone would benefit more from a perfect parallel, ha.