called him out

[losingmyself]

Today H woke up in a particularly bad mood. No reason. He apparently found a function on the TV where he can check the history and see what I've been 'sneaking around' and watching, so this morning he called me into the living room to show me that he found out that I've been watching Project Runway. "Here's your favorite show" Like "AHA! I've discovered your dark secret! How dare you!!"  I said "Oh, cool. I do watch that show" And went back to what I was doing. He said "Bet you didn't know there's a history function on this TV"  "Oh. Neat"  I honestly really super couldn't care less.
On the way to work, he again brought up that his F one time said that all he does is sit in the crane all day. I said that all I do is sit on FB all day. He asked "Who said that?"  I said "You did"
So, I told him the story of when he said those words. He was quiet, and then began talking about something else.
I know that this revelation is driving him crazy, in the way that he's trying to figure out the best way to gaslight me into believing that he didn't say that. I am curious what he's going to come up with.
Do I throw in a few other things he's said? Like the other day when I said that I'm busy at work, and he said that was good because it keeps me out from under my boss's desk? There's so many to choose from, but I know it won't help to say them, it just feels good. Oh, and also now I'm a lesbian. Just a thing. I did not know that about myself...
It's just good to know that when he does gaslight, I can recognize it

[losingmyself]

I just have to add this...a little while ago, today, during our break, I mentioned a post I saw on FB about a person we know, and he said that he hadn't looked at FB today. So out of curiosity, I checked, and he had shared a post this morning. Hard to do if you're not on FB.
Let the gaslighting begin....

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

When I read your post, I was reminded that my uSTBXBPH did the same thing with the history on the TV.  Instead of seeing the red flags, it made me paranoid about what I watched on TV.  And, yeah, the lesbian thing too.  I do believe that's a common accusation.

I have been Out of the FOG since June, not long, I'm still healing. 

[losingmyself]

So, the gaslighting came in the form of hoovering yesterday.
I've been Out of the FOG so long that I can recognize that this is as close as I am going to get to an apology, or recognition of him seeing that he says hurtful things.
PFNW, thanks for your response. I used to also feel paranoid about things I watched on TV, but now I realize that it's just TV. I can watch whatever I want. Especially when he goes to bed at 7:30 pm. I don't check on what he watches on Youtube at 3am. Don't care.

[1footouttadefog]

Isn't it amazing that 30million other people watch the same prime time programs but y'all are weird for doing so.

[losingmyself]

RIGHT??!!??

[Free2Bme]

WTH with the TV. 
My updxh would be very suspicious/accusatory on the rare occasion I watched a little TV by myself or even with one of the kids.  (Same with my browsing history and phone.  If I was hiding something then why would I give him access/PW's ??? )

He went as far as to get an indoor security camera for the living room...  so we could monitor the kids (wink, wink).   From the other room, after he supposedly went to bed, he would watch me and kids watching TV.  We could hear the camera's motor as it was panning, this is how we knew he was watching.

Sometimes, he would storm out and launch an attack.

You really can't make this up 

[SonofThunder]

losingmyself,

My uPDw has a history of doing what you describe, as a projection; a deflection; a smokescreen to hide her own activity.  After a history of my figuring out that what she was accusing me of doing, she was actually doing herself, i now immediately suspect she is engaging in similar activity subjects in which she desires to accuse me. 

Is this potentially similar in your situation on this post?

SoT

[escapingman]

Agreeing with SoT here. Now when I am Out of the FOG I have noticed this with my stbx. She accuses me of something completely random, but I have learnt that what she accuse me of is what is about to do. It's like playing chess and she tell me exactly what her next move will be. Actually, this is making it really easy to handle a PD. It's soul destroying but keeps you one step ahead.

[losingmyself]

I understand what you're saying, but I just wonder what it is he's projecting?? Nefariously watching a certain channel?? He always accuses me of changing the channel when he comes into the room. Why?? What could be on the TV that I don't want him to catch me watching? Cooking porn?
I think he's trying to vilify me in any way possible.
I had been up for ten minutes this morning, he came out of the bedroom, and I was changing channels, because I just turned the TV on, and he's like "Oh, quick! Change the channel!"
It's just tiring.
EM, I have been wondering how you're doing..
Thanks everyone for your good advice, it's just nice to vent.
Maybe I will try to see what it is that he watches on youtube in the middle of the night. Or, do I even want to know??

[square]

Ha, yes, he is watching porn or something. He may as well have just told you.

[square]

On top of the projection itself, he looked for the history because he was terrified there was one. And there was.

He would have then figured out how to manage the history (delete what he wanted to hide or use incognito or whatever).

Then he tested you to see if you had already caught him. He asked if you knew about the history.

Then he tried to put you on the defensive. Shame you with... Project Runway? I guess that's the best he could come up with. So in his head he equalized PR with whatever garbage he is viewing. He may repeat the message to try to train you to feel ashamed of it. So if you ever catch him he can hammer the shame button he tried to install.

[losingmyself]

Well, I am just entirely too naive. I know all about projection from books, and I can describe it to you, but I don't see it in front of me. I just can't find it in my head to believe that a person could be so conniving. Then, Square, he's always accusing me of deleting things on my phone. I don't know why I feel like I just got hit over the head. Because people have told me this information before. I am having a hard time coming to terms with it, I guess.
So, what do I do?
Also, is there really a history function on a tv? Or am I being duped?

[blunk]

I can see the history on my tv, but it just shows the previous channels, not what was viewed. Maybe it's different for internet based (streaming) services...? Not sure.

[square]

I have no idea if there is a history function. Sounds possible. YouTube has one.

Idk what to do, you don't have to do anything unless it would change anything for you to know he was watching something problematic.

The deleting things on the phone thing - again, I'd put money on projection. Likely content he is viewing that he wants to hide. But if it's some form of cheating, that's another story from my point of view. But if you didn't suspect cheating before, I assume porn.

[losingmyself]

Blunk, on the digital channels on my tv, shows have their own channel, basically. So, the channel is Project Runway, or America's Test Kitchen. So, if he found the channel, he knew what I was watching.
I'm trying to wrap my head around him being this...smart. That sounds bad, I guess it's more instincts than anything. Weird, the things they come up with.
Square, it just makes me want to delete more things just out of spite. I think I will!!

[1footouttadefog]

Projection.  I would be willing to bet he is watching porn or a sexting website. 

[SonofThunder]

I have also experienced both my PD's create a smokescreen to hide indirect wrongdoing vs direct projection-related smokescreens.  The direct-related projection smokescreens are common for me, where the PD accuser is participating in something similar, such as this thread situation and suggestions of the OP's television confrontation to hide possible PD questionable internet use.  Here's an example of the indirect smoke-screening from last year and I shared this on another thread.

My uNPDf (in his lower 80's) confronted me out of nowhere on an issue related to my non-upkeep and non-rental of a dilapidated older home on my property (my parents live on my owned property in another state in the USA).  This older home has been in a state of disarray for many years and i hope to knock it down to be used for a nice flat building lot in the near future.  Out of nowhere, my uNPDf contacts me to tell me how ugly the property has become and how my refusal to remodel and rent is a sign of my stupidity. 

Knowing that projection and smoke-screening occurs with PD's i investigated prior events that may have triggered the confrontation.  As it turns out, my father was horseback riding in the vast state park behind my property 2 days prior and came across a solo, young attractive female rider who is new to the area but lives in a nearby town, nowhere close to riding trails.  He apparently took her on a riding tour of my property (which was his property in the past=NPD pride) and rode by the dilapidated home and introduced her to my mother haha.  Therefore the indirect house-upkeep smokescreen of confrontation was to hide his interest in having a young attractive female potentially live very close to him (me fix-up and him notify her of a new rental property near riding trails) providing him a voluptuous future riding partner.  Pervert....

So full circle to stay on the thread topic, i agree with the others to assume a related projection, such as internet porn, but also suggest that it could be indirectly related to electronics use, but imo, still hiding something male-related.   New coworker?  New neighbor?  I also suggest if interested, looking back just prior to the confrontation and you may find the reason the potential smokescreen was deployed. 

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

My spouse smoke screened alot. 

He would also deploy decoy arguments so he could sneak things in or out if the house. 

[losingmyself]

I would like to throw something out there... because, you know when you see a different side of a story and you go "Aha! That is it!" And it's like, well, it's an aha moment, isn't it?
I don't feel that with the porn idea. It just doesn't feel right.
I have been thinking more about deflection, maybe projection, because of E.D. I don't know this, but I highly suspect it. It has been years since we have had intimacy. However, he constantly suggests things, is gropey in public, tells people things that are inappropriate to say, accuses me of infidelity, etc. Like he's covering for something. Not infidelity.  But when it is a good time, to talk, or maybe 'make a move', he goes to bed. Won't really let me touch him. I really am fine with it, I know that's bad to say, but it's like all that stuff has been 'turned off' for me. I just think he has say these things to let me know that it's all my fault, I'm rejecting him. Rejecting what?? You have to put something out there to reject first! 
Anyway, what I was going to say was that I think it's a control thing. You know how PD's think we're nothing more than an extension of them, then it's almost like betrayal if we like to even watch a tv show that they don't want to watch. Therefore, I'm 'sneaking' around on tv, if I'm watching a show such as Project Runway.
How could I!!
I don't know. I just don't think he's watching porn, then not even approaching me for sex. Ever. And I know he's not cheating on me.