Live-in person...the end of a long story...I hope...

  • 6 Replies
  • 389 Views
*

Foggydew

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 114
Live-in person...the end of a long story...I hope...
« on: November 27, 2021, 09:13:00 PM »
It's a year since I last posted about the colleague who moved in with me over Christmas in 2019 for three weeks...and stayed. It is now a week since he left, and I can't describe my delight and freedom. As of 7 December he should have his own money and I will stop any support I have given. I have supported this person for almost two years, without having any kind of relationship to him, except a superficially friendly one.
He did do a lot to help me, including cooking etc, and helping me get over my dependency problems which arose after my husband died, so it wasn't just a one way thing. I also got help in dealing with him, because he was verbally extremely aggressive, and though I was never afraid for myself, his threats towards other people even the police took seriously.
At first, he avoided much contact, but later he spent every evening with me, often venting and talking for hours and hours at me. But his aggression became less and less, he became able to talk about it, the police were satisfied that he wasn't a danger and I felt able to ask him to leave. He now has support, social benefits begin , and I am free. The situation was aggravated by the lockdowns, and I now see the whole business as two years of hard work - mostly on my part, but he also progressed a lot.
And I will never, ever live with anyone again. I am now my own best friend, enjoy my own company, don't need much contact and can get on well with my other PD person, who I share a garden with.  Life has got so much better - and it took this experience to get myself so far.

*

JollyJazz

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1128
Re: Live-in person...the end of a long story...I hope...
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2021, 07:15:31 PM »
Hi Foggy,

Oh my goodness, that is great that you are now free of this person!

It definitely sounds like they were taking advantage of you.

Very sensible to turn it into an opportunity for self growth. Well done and enjoy having your own space!!!

*

Foggydew

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 114
Re: Live-in person...the end of a long story...I hope...
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2021, 09:24:18 PM »
Thank you - it is good to have someone confirm my feelings.
However, it isn't quite finished. I wasn't prepared for my feelings of anger against this person - I don't generally feel like that. And now he has contacted me a few times - the money didn't come, he couldn't pay his hotel bill ( he had to go to a cheap hotel because of lockdown), he needed food. Needed money to get his passport so he could get money, a social apartment. So at first I helped. I had to get my keys back, and I did. Any attempt at contact from me was ignored. Two weeks passed, no contact from him. Yesterday he contacted me again...he needed to pay the hotel so he could stay till the end of the month, and he would really get money on the 29.  I was his only friend, the only person he could rely on. He was completely alone. I told him he only contacted me when he wanted something, that he had had almost half my pension this month, and I was not prepared to pay his hotel bill. I would go shopping with him, could give him 50, but that was all. He said he would have to find another way, and put the phone down. And I feel glad that I didn't pay, yet guilty as well.
And the next day my stepdaughter called, and mentioned she didn't know how she was going to cope financially till she gets paid in February in her new job. I have helped her a lot in the past, but she also always comes to me with requests for money. Just doesn't make me feel too good. I am not rich by any means, and I believe in helping people...but forever?

*

notrightinthehead

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 3841
Re: Live-in person...the end of a long story...I hope...
« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2021, 10:12:06 AM »
Seems to me that your opportunities for self growth continue. Now might be the time to establish some boundaries. As you like to help people, you might agree with yourself how much money per month you want to spend on charity cases. Once you have a figure that you think reasonable and affordable you might want to decide on whom to spend it.  Then you go ahead and spend it.  Once the money is spent, you stop as any person with reasonable spending habits  would.  You might want to spend it on your step daughter or this friend of yours, or you might want to spend it on another charitable cause you wish to support. That way you can cater to your need to be helpful and still ensure that you have enough for your own needs.
You might also want to consider that both, your stepdaughter and your friend, are adults and supposed to be responsible for themselves.  As are you. Of course they have every right to ask you for help, and you have every right to say NO to their requests.  You could say,  Sorry, I cannot help you this month, I have spent everything extra I had already.  I am really sorry,  maybe you can make another plan. And then you leave it like that. Or keep on repeating the same message until it is understood.
Good luck and let us know how it is going.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

*

Foggydew

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 114
Re: Live-in person...the end of a long story...I hope...
« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2021, 09:29:41 PM »
Thanks, that was very helpful. I don't actually LIKE helping people financially, I just feel one should. People helped me in difficult situations, too. I just seem to have contact to some people who don't see or accepts limits easily. So that makes your answer even more supportive.

*

Foggydew

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 114
Re: Live-in person...the end of a long story...I hope...
« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2022, 02:45:30 PM »
So, hope I have dealt with this one. I decided I would give my stepdaughter enough to tide her over till she gets paid...so she has enough for essentials, but that's it. She said she would pay me back - but she is in debt anyway, so that would be difficult. So I told her I didn't want the money back, but that I would not under any circumstances lend her money in the future - the answer will be no. I also told her that I wasn't being nice in giving her the money, I just wanted nothing more to do with her finances, ever. She's getting on towards 50, she will have to stand on her own two feet anyway. End. But all this stuff has made me strangely sensitive - I got a  letter from a large religious charity today asking me for donations and sending me a pair of socks as a thank you in advance. I have never donated to this particular charity, and it just made me feel blackmailed. Hope I get back to feeling normal about this stuff soon. It doesn't help that I am feeling a bit isolated with all this lockdown stuff.

*

JollyJazz

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1128
Re: Live-in person...the end of a long story...I hope...
« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2022, 07:23:29 PM »
It is great that you are setting boundaries.

It's very common for us to feel like we can't say no, and set boundaries. Just remember you can be a good and caring person AND say no, and set boundaries.
Being kind and caring for yourself means saying no and setting boundaries where necessary, this kind if kindness (to oneself) is very essential too.

Hope you can grow genuinely supportive support network. Best wishes!