Updm is dying

[11JB68]

My enD called my friend to tell her my updm is being brought home with hospice, cancer everywhere even in her brain. Left a message. Friend will call him tomorrow to learn more. I've been NC WITH FOO for YEARS. (Updm by choice, the rest but default cuz she controlled everyone).
I don't know how I feel about this, or what I want to do.
Updh is adamant that I should go say goodbye to her and Ds also.
He won't let it go.

[Andeza]

Oh honey, even with a normal family this isn't a good time for a disordered spouse to be "throwing their weight around." 

But you have the final say and that's it. He is welcome to have his opinion, but you get to decide. Full stop.

I advise taking some time for you and deciding how you want to proceed, and then you choose what's best for YOU. Not him.

From your previous posts, my bet is the only overwhelming thought in his brain is "How will it look if my wife doesn't do the "normal" thing and go see her dying mother?" He's not thinking about how it would affect you, or that you may not want to go. He's only worried about appearances. To heck with appearances.

[moglow]

No one gets to decide your "shoulds," but you. He can have whatever opinion he has, knows damn good and well you're NC with her and probably exactly why. YOU get to decide what you need where she's concerned. Do that, go with that as far as you need to go. Don't explain your choices to anyone - you don't have to no matter what others might think or say.

[notrightinthehead]

Would it give you peace to see her one last time? Would it bring you closure? Confirm that you were right to go NC? Would it be easy to do or involve a long and complicated trip?
How about your son? Does he see any reason why he should go?
Can you find a quiet hour in your busy day when your h cannot intrude on your thoughts to think it through?

[SunnyMeadow]

I agree with everyone above. This is about you, how you feel, will this bring you closure or comfort in any way? I know it's hard to know right now. But if you genuinely don't have the desire to see her, listen to that inner voice.

♥

[11JB68]

all great points. as always this is the best place to come for understanding as you are the only folks who know what this is really like.
I feel that uPDh is going to use the fact that DS is HIS son also and he feels DS needs to go to force the issue. IF DS is going I AM going with him.
I DO NOT want uPDh to go at all. In reality (and of course he either doesn't know this or would never acknowledge it) HE was a big part of the problem between myself and my family to begin with - and OF COURSE as always the IRONY escapes him entirely that HE is the one pushing for me to do this.
Yes, it is all about what is 'right' (in his mind) and 'expected' etc.
As you all know I try to mostly MC with uPDh and such a fraught topic is not one I really want to get into with him but there was/is no way to avoid it.
I did get emotional. I did 'argue' back to him on some of his issues, and I think he 'saw my points'. (e.g. h:"that is half of DS's family that he doesn't see/know" me: "what about your sister and her kids? we don't see them. DS doesn't ever mention auntieX or see his cousins at all." (h: good point)
Also - NotRight - one thing updh does that he would hate if someone did to him is i just got this news an hour before and he is pushing/pushing/pushing for me to tell him what i'm thinking etc....I kept saying i need to think (ie. I can't THINK when you keep talking at me and asking me!!!) He does not get it.
He is most likely OCPD so the whole 'moral code' / what is right thing is big with him.
He also does not see the parallels between the issues with uPDm and himself. The whole issue with her was she was SO CONTROLLING - controlled the whole family etc.
He a few times brought up the idea that I should somehow confront enD about stuff/how he didn't stick up for me etc. so finally I said "is that your point that you want me to yell at my dad?? Is that why I should go??" He didn't say much to that, so that tells me yes. So again, IF I GO, HE will want to push me to 'say this, say that, do this, do that'
I basically told him I just DO NOT WANT the drama that I had before.
Part of why I went NC was I really felt I was verging on a 'nervous breakdown' trying to navigate the unrealistic demands of updm and updh at the same  time. I felt I had to choose one or the other. at the time i chose h as we had DS who was then 4 or 5 yo. It was a nightmare.
Also I got into how no one cared that i didn't know my gm had died, have no idea where she is buried etc. h says well then go and ask that and we can go visit her grave - we visit friendx and my mom/grandma etc. we could visit yours. I said, well my greatgm is buried nearby and we've NEVER gone there!! h: oh, well we could.
He has NEVER given a CRAP about MY family! OR my friends. period.
So why now....ugh.
and supposedly he cares so much about me and how I'm feeling etc etc etc. Little does he realize I am more bothered by HIS issues with all of this than with the issue with uPDm....

[square]

I'm sorry, this is a very fraught situation.

Focusing on the do I/don't I question alone, sometimes when I can't figure out what I want in a binary situation, I flip a coin. When I see which way I flipped I often can feel visceral relief or dread at the result and feel clearer about what I want.

With H, I'd consider this one of my hills to die on. You do NOT overrule your spouse on their toxic family. I'd consider flat out telling him "would you like it if I interfered with X" (some high anxiety situation that belongs to him, preferably family). If I decided to make any sort of contact I'd do it without him - yes, I know you're not going to exactly sneak it by him but I'd just go myself and deal with the fallout with him after. Because if you contact them you need to be able to make your own calls. But I know it's super complicated or you wouldn't be here.

It's okay to go and ok not to.

My H lost his father this year after 20 years NC. He opted not to contact when he heard it was imminent. When news of the passing came it hit him harder than he anticipated but after it settled he was at peace with his choice.

[Call Me Cordelia]

This is so hard on the emotions, and to be harassed by your uOCPDH just rubs so much salt in the wound. I completely agree that it's not about his opinion whatsoever, and you deserve to take the space to figure out what you think.

But back the truck up a moment... your dad called your friend, and I presume the friend told you. Would the family even welcome your presence at this deathbed tableau? Is it their intention that this person pass on the information to you? Since you say you are NC by default with the rest of your family, and only intended to be NC with your M, I'm inclined to think that since no one tried to inform you directly, it's probably not your party to crash. At the very least, you'd be walking into very hostile territory.

Both my parents were also uOCPD as well as Narcissistic/Borderline. So boy do I understand the obsession with "the right thing to do." Moralizing harshly and self-righteously while trampling boundaries left and right. The one about the beam in your own eye while criticizing the speck in your neighbor's come to mind. 

[11JB68]

And more Updh weirdness. DS home for weekend, h was going to fill him in before I got home.
Huh???
But didn't get a chance, so now I'm supposed to wait for h to return from outside to discuss it.
Waaaa??? He totally wants to control this whole issue... And it is not his issue to control....

[11JB68]

Folks I have to say that MC really does make life more manageable.
After utilizing mc as much as possible, Updh has backed off a bit and even said that he may now be leaning towards agreeing with me, and....
Whatever you decide to do is fine.

WOW.

[square]

AWESOME. What a relief. Great job on that.

[notrightinthehead]

Congratulations and well done!

[11JB68]

Found out today that updm passed 3 days ago

[Associate of Daniel]

11JB68, I'm so sorry.  What a hideous situation you're in. Much as there were so many issues around your unpd mum, the grief over her passing is real and complicated.

I'll be praying for you as you travel this part of the journey.

AOD

[square]

I'm very sorry. I have seen how complicated this can be. Wishing you peace. Also hoping your husband will be a support to you, or at least not a burden.

[moglow]

Wishing you peace in whatever way you find it best. Keep breathing, keep writing, maybe take some long hard fast walks if you need em. Try and not listen to others' ideas of what you should or should not feel/think/say/do, go with what feels best for you. We're here with you.

[SunnyMeadow]

Yes to what they all said above....and take time to process this on your own terms. Grieving in these complicated situations is difficult and confusing.

Thinking of you 11JB68

[Sneezy]

Sending you peaceful thoughts - take care of yourself - hugs to you.

[Amadahy]

Oh, honey.  May you take comfort in the care of those who understand.  I'm very sorry and wish you ease in caring for yourself and your needs.  xoxo

[11JB68]

I have several friends who at least get that it is 'fraught' which is amazing.
I'm sort of concerned... We are visiting fil tomorrow. Sil weirdly has had contact over the years with my FOO. Crazy I know. And she loves gossip. Tells fil stuff and then he brings it up with us.
They definitely do not understand the NC. J just wondering what is waiting for me tomorrow...
Thanks everyone for your kind words and support.