Hard to be friends after a break up

Started by Dodo, December 04, 2021, 03:39:28 AM

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Dodo

So I broke up my udpdp and moved out of the house over 5 months ago,  I'm settled into my new place and I have seen him a few times when I was living alone for a few months he came to help me move some stuff, I appreciated it as he has always been there to help me move, the problem is we slept together a few times after the break up and then another time when I was alone and he confessed that he still loved me.  What is going on I need to set boundaries, I get pissed when I think about all the things that happened in our relationship and the reasons why I broke up with him were many and I have to remind myself of this.  He texts once in awhile and wants to get together to see the dog but its really to see me.  When I see him I am still attracted to him, I get mad at myself for this and he even he is fine with us just seeing each other once in while he said it will be enough for him.  But it really isn't fair to either of us as how are we to get on with our lives?
I am looking over my complaints and upsets here on this site and I think why did I put up with his behaviour for so long, he has said some awful things to me has never gone away on a weekend with me, he is a phobic, a hypochondriac some narcissism and every little thing is a big deal, but he also some very nice qualities and I enjoy his company but I know him and its all just a play he is fine alone, help me to tell him something that would let him know in a nice way that I am trying to get on with life! Just have to say I love living alone with my dog! 

blacksheep7

#1
Hi Dodo,
I'm sorry that you are going through this difficult situation.  I can relate as I have been through the exact same circumstance, my ex always wanting to be in my life even though I had moved out.  Don't be hard on yourself for having slept with him, you are not the first nor the last to do that.  ;)Our feelings and love  just don't disappear when we move out and we do get caught up with those mixed emotions, often not wanting to hurt our ex.  I never believed in being friends after a breakup because there is always one of  the two that wants to move on and the other wants to take advantage (like in your case) by having the best of both worlds....having  their cake and eating it too.  By keeping you in his life, there will always be a chance for him to get you to change your mind, get you back to the way it was. That is their way of thinking.  My ex bf used to call me everyday, sometimes in the morning and would say that it was just to see how I was getting along.  He did want to remain friends like your ex, wanting to see me once in a while.  I put a stop to it.

The good news is that you already know that.  I always say that we can say anything to anyone, there is just a way to say it.  I would tell him that you can not move on with your life, nor can he with him still being  present. It will only be hurting both of you with unfufilled expectations.  That is why you moved out in the first place,  it has to stop.  At this point, you can not be responsible for his reaction, do not forget that. It is not up to you to absorb it. You already told him once that you couldn't go on with the relationship/living together.  This time it will be much easier, you can do this. :thumbup:
Best of luck.  Let us know. :)
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
Maya Angelou

Simon

I don't post here much any more, but when I do, I make sure I'm still as blunt as possible.
I mean, we're all adults here, and sugar-coating doesn't solve anything does it?

It's clear that you're still trauma-bonded/addicted to him, as you demonstrate by the first half of the following quote:
Quote from: Dodo on December 04, 2021, 03:39:28 AM
....but he also some very nice qualities and I enjoy his company but I know him and its all just a play he is fine alone
However, the second half of that quote suggests that you know that it means nothing to him.
If he really is Personality Disordered, then he never attached to you in any way, and he either "needs" to be with you because he can't face being alone (BPD), or he's just using you for supply (NPD).

The following quote suggests that he's probably NPD, or at the very least, doesn't care about other people's feelings, and is quite happy to use them:
Quote from: Dodo on December 04, 2021, 03:39:28 AM
....and he even he is fine with us just seeing each other once in while he said it will be enough for him.
Of course it would be enough for him.
If he can het a few women to agree to that, then he calls all the shots, chooses which he sees and when, and has no responsibility or accountability.

I'm afraid there is no "nice" answer.
He will clearly use you for as long as you let him.
He will never break that chain (unless he gets bored of you, and has a replacement lined up ready), so the only person that can break the chain is you.

To do that, you will have to overcome your trauma-bond/addiction to him by going no contact (not low or medium contact, 100% no contact), and by working on yourself.
There seems to be something lacking inside you that allows him to treat you this way.
Maybe you don't think you deserve better, or maybe you think he will change if you love him enough (a mistake many make that never works, because PDs don't change).

The fact that you seem to want to stop it is a good start, but instead of looking to him to understand anything you say about ending it, you need to look at yourself, make your decision, and be prepared for whatever that may bring.
If you choose to leave him, and end it completely because you want someone decent and will not be treated this way anymore, by anyone, then you need the courage of your conviction.
You don't need to ask his permission, and you don't need to explain yourself to him repeatedly.
You could tell him that it's over, forever, and tell him the reasons.
From that point on, you don't owe him any further explanations.
He's an adult, and he has all the information he needs to deal with it.

If you feel that you couldn't do this to him, or that you don't feel that you want to because you still have some hope that he will suddenly change and become the person you want, then as I said earlier, you need to look at yourself.
Something is missing.
You need to learn how to be happy with yourself.
A partner is a nice thing to have, but they shouldn't be seen as someone that makes you.
You need to see that you have everything you need in yourself, and be happy with yourself.

If you really do love living alone with your dog, then just do that.
Heal yourself, and maybe find someone worth your time further down the line.
Either way, make sure you're the most important person in your life.

I wish you luck.

moglow

Quotehelp me to tell him something that would let him know in a nice way that I am trying to get on with life! Just have to say I love living alone with my dog!


Okay, I'll play - why do you have to tell him anything of the sort? He's fine with seeing you once in a while and you're not? Then DON'T. He's not changed and may not, but you have - and GOOD FOR YOU!!! You've realized what he has on offer just isn't enough for you, and you broke up. Go with that and live your live in peace and love elsewhere!

Here's the thing, this silliness of "let's just be friends" only works if you're actually friends. Sometimes [probably more than people admit] not being friends is why the breakup happened in the first place. There's a difference between being friendly and actually being friends. Think about that - do your friends treat or talk to you the way he did? I'm betting not.

Similar 'cept different - years ago I was "friends" with this very attractive and somewhat unavailable man. He'd call and I'd drop everything to be with him for whatever time he had. He was perfectly okay for that to be what it was indefinitely until one day I wasn't. All kinds of promises and plans and what ifs for quite some time, then I realized that she - the real woman in his life - wouldn't like this AT ALL. She shouldn't have to share and he shouldn't be pursuing me and whoever else. His indifference to her feelings spoke volumes to me all of a sudden and I was done. I blocked his number without another word and haven't looked back other than with relief that I closed that door.
What I'm saying is, you'll find that door when you're ready and you don't have to explain a damned thing. The breakup did that for you.
"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"Expectations are disappointments under construction." ~Capn Spanky, The Nook circa 2005ish

Dodo

Thank you everyone ... such sensible and honest advice,  I wonder why I can't just break it off for good. I want to and will, I believe he has gotten into my psyche and maybe because I haven't met anyone else I seem to accept this, I am OK with being alone and I am OK with not having him in my life at all really... but I know its not for him so I give in to seeing him, he says he wants to see the dog but he had his chance before when I asked him to keep the dog for a few days while I moved. He said no as he lives with his daughter and her husband and how could I ask him to do that when he lives with other people.  He offered when I moved that he would take the dog anytime and at that time he knew he was going to be living with other people.  So it irritates me and so typical of him to deny saying this to me.  Oh well so it isn't really the dog is it.
I'll let you know how I make out!