trying to calm down

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm reading here to remind myself that they are all alike and to try and cool down a bit.

Got off the phone with uNPDmother and I just can't with her. She made a particularly rude and nasty dig to me. Apparently a "person of importance" asked what her daughter is doing for her! First of all I call bullshit on this person saying any such thing. Like how would they even know she has a daughter? It was just a dig at me to get me to what? ....sit with her every single day? There is no way I could do it.  My dh says I could do everything possible for her, at every moment and it wouldn't be enough. He also said she'd still bad mouth me whenever it suits her. She is a terrible human being and yet here she is in her late 80s. I know so many good and loving people who died young and this b(*^% lives on and on. It's truly not fair and quite maddening.

I know this is the pattern, she's good for quite a while then BAM...let the jabs begin. It really makes me angry when I'm the ONLY one left who bothers with her.

Every single day I hope to get a call that this is finally over. It's got to happen at some point but in reality it could go on for another decade. Just a vent..... I'm so angry.
I know others have it worse, and I think it's horrible. But these types of comments just hit my hot button. We all have different degrees of issues with these people and it's awful. I feel for all of us who have to continue these flawed relationships year after year. I'm not strong enough to go NC. But every time this happens I get closer and closer.

[moglow]

Consider telling her that what others say about you is none of your business. It's nothing more than useless gossip and you don't care to hear it anymore. Mine didn't respond to it very well but hopefully I made my point.

My dh says I could do everything possible for her, at every moment and it wouldn't be enough. He also said she'd still bad mouth me whenever it suits her.

I love your DH. Tell him I said so.

I just have this and I mean it with every breath in my body: How often do you talk / listen to her. Maybe back off, whatever it is. If it's every day, for damn sure space it out and make it a few times a week. Space it out from there if you need to. Set yourself a time limit and shore up your boundaries for those calls. She makes a dig? Woops, you need to go. Make an excuse and do whatever works, but end the call. Let her know you'll talk to her on x day around y time and stick to that.

Thankfully they're not all alike but we certainly have our challenges. I do feel your pain. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Thank you moglow, all good suggestions. I like your comment about useless gossip...good idea.

Sadly I've had to talk to her almost everyday because she doesn't have anyone else and her husband is sick and in the hospital. Her talking to me (at me) involved a lot of Oh really? and oh wow replies on my part, gray rock and mc. This is all while she's spewing crazy stuff about conspiracy type things. I am backing off. I can't take her non-stop bad mouthing of the hospital staff and their poor treatment of HER even though her husband is the sick one.  Crazy making.

I know you feel my pain, thank you for saying so. That's why I love coming here to commiserate and calm down. I will NEVER do any of this crap with my own children. I'd have myself shipped to a home somewhere or to Alaska with no phone or internet so they don't have to juggle all this nonsense. Of course, I doubt I would be this way. I'm not a complainer...I never got the chance with my mother around.

I told my dh what you said and he had a big grin on his face!  I can feel my BP coming down now. Whew!!!

[Sneezy]

My dh says I could do everything possible for her, at every moment and it wouldn't be enough.

You married a smart man 

Can you give yourself at least one day off from talking to her, every now and then?  Tell her that you will be tied up in meetings all day tomorrow, but will catch up with her the next day.  Text her that you have a headache and can't talk.  Anything to give yourself a little break.

They are all related, aren't they?

[SunnyMeadow]

They are all related, aren't they?

They have to be 

and yes, I need some time off from her! Thank you sneezy

[Fiasco]

Sadly I've had to talk to her almost everyday because she doesn't have anyone else.

Just a friendly reminder that this is not your problem.  And if nothing you do will ever be enough, then you might as well do less!

[SunnyMeadow]

Lots of truth in what you wrote, I like it Fiasco! Thanks

[Hilltop]

SunnyMeadow my mother also loves doing the put downs and the little jabs and I am yet to find something that works to stop it.  So no advice here, just my deepest sympathies.  It is really hard to deal with, to know how to respond, to try to not take it in.

Your husband is right, you could be perfect in every single way and she would still put you down.  One thing I have come to realise though is that constantly living with those constant digs and jabs is terrible for your self esteem.  It really does harm our sense of self.

Do you really need to see her every day?  Could you lessen that to once a week?

[Boat Babe]

Sadly I've had to talk to her almost everyday because she doesn't have anyone else.

Just a friendly reminder that this is not your problem.  And if nothing you do will ever be enough, then you might as well do less!

This!

[SunnyMeadow]

SunnyMeadow my mother also loves doing the put downs and the little jabs and I am yet to find something that works to stop it.  So no advice here, just my deepest sympathies.  It is really hard to deal with, to know how to respond, to try to not take it in.

Thank you Hilltop. It is hard! I finally reserved the "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On With Life" at my library. I did some research on it and think it will apply to me. I have this thought of my mother telling everyone how I don't do anything when they are sick or even when they aren't sick. But when I put some thought into it, they don't have many people left who associate with them. They've dumped dozens and dozens of people from their lives and been dumped too, so who are they telling?

It's been fully engrained in me to help your mother and I was always a good little daughter and did my best  My immediate thought when she made the dig, well after being angry was - maybe I'm not doing enough for these poor old people. Ugh. 

Your husband is right, you could be perfect in every single way and she would still put you down.  One thing I have come to realise though is that constantly living with those constant digs and jabs is terrible for your self esteem.  It really does harm our sense of self.

Do you really need to see her every day?  Could you lessen that to once a week?

You're right, it is terrible for my self esteem! I didn't think of it that way. Thankfully it's talking to her on the phone everyday not seeing her. I'd have horrible anxiety and ulcers if I had to see her everyday. The constant Me, Me, Me really wears me down. I know you get it. I wish for calm and strength for all of us as we deal with these people.
_________________________________________________

This description about the book made me want to get it:

Caretakers and Their Borderline/Narcissists:

- Caretakers hope to fix or heal the Borderline or Narcissist to improve the relationship.

- Caretakers get frustrated and hurt when the Borderline or Narcissist doesn't get better.

- The Caretaker's fear of anger and disagreement lead them to being manipulated by the Borderline or Narcissist.

- Caretakers give up their own needs and wants to try to appease the Borderline or Narcissist.

- Caretakers often don't pay enough attention to their own needs.

- Letting go of the Caretaker role includes giving up hope, giving up guilt and giving up shame.

- Learning to acknowledge and care for your own feelings and needs helps you drop the Caretaker role.

- Being a Caretaker is damaging to your health and well-being.

- Emotionally caretaking another adult leads to an imbalance of power and a fight for control in the relationship.

- By breaking the crazy-making rules in the relationship, you can quit Caretaking and step back into the world of logic, sanity, and personal choice.

- You can quit Caretaking and restore your healthy sense of well being, but you can't change the Borderline or Narcissist.

Features:

- Offers hope, control and confidence to people being manipulated by a borderline or narcissist.

- Shows you how to let go of trying to please, appease and soothe the constant complaints, irrationality and neediness of the borderline or narcissist.

- Includes real stories and practical suggestions from a seasoned therapist.

- Teaches techniques for getting out of the illogical, circular, blameful attacks by the borderline or narcissist.

- Offers ways to create a happy, healthy, fully-functioning life despite the borderline or narcissist.

- Talks about how to regain power over your own life by learning skills to effectively deal with the crazy-making behaviors of the borderline or narcissist.

- Shows how your own passivity, over-responsibility, and need to please the borderline or narcissist keeps your relationship stuck.

- Take the self-assessment test to see if you are unwittingly colluding with the borderline or narcissist in maintaining a dysfunctional relationship.

[Boat Babe]

That's a great list. Golden. Thanks.

[Cat of the Canals]

Sadly I've had to talk to her almost everyday because she doesn't have anyone else and her husband is sick and in the hospital.

Repeat after me: this is her problem. If she's lonely, she can join a support group or try to make friends. She's not good at that? Tough cookies. She can figure it out or remain in the loneliness she created. No child should be expected to fulfill a parent's social life.

Definitely read the Caretaking book. It can be kind of a hard read, because you realize how much you're "part of the problem." But I think us caretaking types need that wake-up call.

[SunnyMeadow]

Repeat after me: this is her problem. If she's lonely, she can join a support group or try to make friends. She's not good at that? Tough cookies. She can figure it out or remain in the loneliness she created. No child should be expected to fulfill a parent's social life.

Definitely read the Caretaking book. It can be kind of a hard read, because you realize how much you're "part of the problem." But I think us caretaking types need that wake-up call.

Thanks for this Cat. I'm definitely part of the problem and I hope I can get some help with it from the book.

You're right, children shouldn't be expected to fulfill a parent's social life! It seem so clear when I hear these words of wisdom. But it's very difficult in the moment. 

[Sneezy]

I really like the Serenity Prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.  But I do wonder how to reach true serenity.  I can accept that my mother (covert NPD) will not change.  She will always be miserable and petty and manipulative and bored and lonely and on and on.  I can accept that just fine.  But I can't seem to really let it go and be at peace with it.  I downloaded the book that several people above have mentioned (how to stop caretaking the NPD and BPD).  Hoping that helps. 

[wisingup]

I'm going to read that book today too.  I am starting to recognize how much I've enabled my mom's behavior & my own resulting misery.  Expecting her to realize she's burdening people is unrealistic, never gonna happen. 

She will always be miserable and petty and manipulative and bored and lonely and on and on.  I can accept that just fine.  But I can't seem to really let it go and be at peace with it.

I agree with this.  It's pretty similar to watching my alcoholic dad self-destruct.  But I couldn't change him & can't change uBPDm either.  Time to stop trying, but achieving peace with it will be hard.

[Boat Babe]

I think these situations resemble those whose loved ones have  addiction issues. The work of Al-Anon does much to support people in finding peace in these seemingly impossible interpersonal dynamics. The three C's are born of this work and are hugely relevant to living with a PD person in our lives. I find this mantra calms and soothes me.

[daughter]

We have same mother. I was often hectored by her about "other people's daughters", who apparently served as handmaidens to their mothers, had fabulous careers and equally wealthy husbands, shared "every secret", bought frequent luxury gifts, and treated them to fancy meals, fancy trips, and fancy-fancy-fancy et al. Wonder who these adult-daughters are, because I've yet to meet one in real life.

[blacksheep7]

Oh my SunnyMeadow, I'm sorry.  You are such a gentle soul.

I can imagine how difficult it is for you to have her being sooooooo dependent on you.  Those daily calls can be very emotionally challenging with the negativity towards you.  It does take a toll in the end.

I also suggest as others to start skipping some calls for your own peace of mind and happiness.  You won't change her, only you can make it happen 
Thank goodness you have a good dh by your side.

[nanotech]

Jerry Wise relationship systems is so helpful on how to react (or not to) when comparisons are made to try to shame us into compliance. He's on YouTube. Xx

[Sneezy]

We have same mother. I was often hectored by her about "other people's daughters", who apparently served as handmaidens to their mothers, had fabulous careers and equally wealthy husbands, shared "every secret", bought frequent luxury gifts, and treated them to fancy meals, fancy trips, and fancy-fancy-fancy et al. Wonder who these adult-daughters are, because I've yet to meet one in real life.

We must all have the same mother.  I constantly hear about everyone else's daughter. If I pick my mom up and comment that there aren't very many cars in the parking lot, well, that is because everyone else's daughter has invited their mother to stay with them for the weekend.  If I comment that there are a lot of cars and it was hard to find a parking spot, that is because everyone else's daughter is over visiting.  Everyone else's daughter takes their mom shopping all the time, and calls everyday, and takes their mom to their house to stay for days at a time.  Everyone else's daughter caters to their mom's every whim and talks on the phone for hours and shares gossip and takes their mother on fascinating day trips and week-long vacations.  I, too, would like to meet everyone else's daughter