Dad and unwillingness to spend money to help himself -hearing aid

[p123]

Its getting crazy now. He pretty much can not hear hardly at all with his current hearing aid.
Its free (Im in the UK so NHS provide basic ones). Hes not had his hearing checked for probably a decade.

Phone calls are pointless. He can't hear a thing to be honest. Its a waste of time.

Hes got about £30-£40K in the bank just sitting there. I've tried to get him to pay for a proper hearing aid privately - will prob cost £800-£1000. No chance. He looks at me as if I've gone mad. Pay? When I've got a free one? No way. I dont need one.

Hes asking me now - "can you phone x, y and z? I can't hear on the phone".

How is it so obvious to me but not to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like banging my head against the wall...

I do feel mean because I've ducked out and not phoned anyone. He could do it all himself with a proper hearing aid!
Makes me so mad sometimes - why on earth would you not want to make life easier for yourself if you can afford it.

[blacksheep7]

Is he using this excuse to have you near him, to come visit, make his calls and run his life, giving all the responsibilities to you.

Sorry to say this, but the story just continues.  Same old, same old, game.   

Since when did he ever want to make his life easier?  For him yes, not for you.

[p123]

Is he using this excuse to have you near him, to come visit, make his calls and run his life, giving all the responsibilities to you.

Sorry to say this, but the story just continues.  Same old, same old, game.   

Since when did he ever want to make his life easier?  For him yes, not for you.

To be fair most of this would make his life easier.... I refuse to do the phone calls anyway.

I really do not get it. Its like monopoly tokens in the bank to him.

[Hazy111]

My father had the expensive private ones. They didnt work any better.

He should give you that £30 - £ 40 k hes got in the bank to look after, just in case . Be on the safe side.  My friends sister started to withdraw all hers . They didnt know. It was the the start of her dementia. She couldnt remember where she put it.

[Sneezy]

Makes me so mad sometimes - why on earth would you not want to make life easier for yourself if you can afford it.

Some elderly people have a hard time spending money because they grew up poor or they are worried about running out of retirement funds.  But with you dad, I think the reason he doesn't make his own life easier is because that would make your life easier.  p123 - your dad lives to push your buttons and irritate you.  Ok, I've never met him, but I'm convinced he finds joy in frustrating you.  It's like he is a toddler and bad attention is better than no attention.  Your frustration is a big part of his narcissistic supply.

You aren't going to change him.  All you can do is keep your boundaries strong.  And I am one to talk because my mom breaks through my boundaries all the time.  We are currently arguing about whether I should take two to three hours out of my workday to take her grocery shopping or whether she should order groceries on-line like just about everyone else in her senior living complex.  Our local grocery store will deliver right to her apartment for a $5 delivery fee.  I would gladly pay that fee just to avoid following her around the grocery store for an hour and then lugging all her groceries up to the second floor.  But in her mind, why should she pay $5 when she can have me drive her around for free?  It's maddening!

[p123]

My father had the expensive private ones. They didnt work any better.

He should give you that £30 - £ 40 k hes got in the bank to look after, just in case . Be on the safe side.  My friends sister started to withdraw all hers . They didnt know. It was the the start of her dementia. She couldnt remember where she put it.

Of course, maybe the private ones wont help him. BUT he refuses to even consider them.....

I've got hearing aids myself and know they do a 3 month trial. If you think they dont help, nothing lost.

[p123]

Makes me so mad sometimes - why on earth would you not want to make life easier for yourself if you can afford it.

Some elderly people have a hard time spending money because they grew up poor or they are worried about running out of retirement funds.  But with you dad, I think the reason he doesn't make his own life easier is because that would make your life easier.  p123 - your dad lives to push your buttons and irritate you.  Ok, I've never met him, but I'm convinced he finds joy in frustrating you.  It's like he is a toddler and bad attention is better than no attention.  Your frustration is a big part of his narcissistic supply.

You aren't going to change him.  All you can do is keep your boundaries strong.  And I am one to talk because my mom breaks through my boundaries all the time.  We are currently arguing about whether I should take two to three hours out of my workday to take her grocery shopping or whether she should order groceries on-line like just about everyone else in her senior living complex.  Our local grocery store will deliver right to her apartment for a $5 delivery fee.  I would gladly pay that fee just to avoid following her around the grocery store for an hour and then lugging all her groceries up to the second floor.  But in her mind, why should she pay $5 when she can have me drive her around for free?  It's maddening!

Sneezy - Dad came from a very poor family. Coal mining in the welsh valleys where they were VERY poor.....
He always says "but I dont want to waste money".

In a way I can see his point but hes obsessive over it. You've got to move on.

Dad is also  very anxious. Completely. He worries hes going to run out of money and he worries hes going to be left alone.
There are two things that give Dad a warm glow:

1. Knowing hes got lots of money in the bank.
2. Knowing he can click his fingers and someone will coming running.

Both of these have caused him problems - the money thing as above. He treats everyone the same - they're there to be used - hes lost tons of friends etc. Of course, he treats me the same.

I get the grocery thing exactly the same. He has point blank refused to have it delivered. Causing me hassle gives him a warm glow because he knows I've put myself out for him. Also, getting groceries delivered takes away his major trump card "you'll have to visit Ive got no food in the house".

As you say he'll never change. I guess like you though its annoying that they treat you so badly when, push comes to shove you'd do anything to help them. It annoys me so much that I get treated so badly.

Dad is religious too. I'm not. He quotes the bible at me for all sorts of things  (one of them is its a sin to be gay - I'm not but really feel strongly its just one of those things - yet Dad goes on and on). I often think "hang on, don't quote things at me making out you're so perfect, I can't see in any way that Jesus would treat people the way you do!"

[Sneezy]

I guess like you though its annoying that they treat you so badly when, push comes to shove you'd do anything to help them. It annoys me so much that I get treated so badly.

This is actually a problem I'm having at the moment.  I used to feel like I would do anything to help my mom.  But lately I don't feel that way at all.  Mostly, I just feel hurt and resentful that she treats me the way she does.  The more I detach from her, the more I seem to see her as a terrible person and the more resentful I feel.  And I don't like myself when I am resentful.  Also, I don't think it's fair to mom - she may be a terrible person at times, but I can either deal with her or not.  And if I can't, and if I'm feeling resentful, I'm likely to say or do something mean to her and that's not right.  So I need to keep my distance.  But then I feel guilty . . . . . you see where this is all going right?  The FOG wheel or the FOG cycle or whatever we want to call it.  It's tough!

[lkdrymom]

What is it with people and hearing aids?  My father refused to get them for years.  Then a doctor suggested it and he said ok.  I had to take off of work three times to get him through the whole process. He decided he didn't like how HE SOUNDED when wearing them so he refused them.  I explained to him that if he refuses to help himself I will not pick up the slack.  I will not make phone calls for him.  I will not repeat myself.  Said he understood.  A week later he calls me and asks me to call someone "because he can't hear".  Took 20 minutes of me explaining and re-explaining why that was not going to happen.

His hearing used to drive my husband crazy.  Now my husband is doing the same thing.  He refuses to do something about it because a doctor ....IN THE 1970s....told him there wasn't anything they could do for the ringing in his ears.

[RainbowG]

I feel your pain!

I've been reading some books about dealing with difficult aging parents, and one suggested getting a doctor or someone the parent respects to tell them to get the hearing aid as they may feel less comfortable refusing such a person.

Also, good for you (and others in this discussion) for refusing to pick up the slack! This may also drive him to do what he needs to do; he might actually get sick of hearing you refuse to make phone calls for him (though it may take a while for that to kick in...). 

Rainbow

[1footouttadefog]

Hearing aids can get clogged and need cleaning. They can be returned also.

At the same time ai understand the won't spend money to fix the problem side of things.

My mother has them but they are never in or she does not have batteries handy.  They seem to help with phone calls when they bare in as the signal is picked up from the magnet or speaker and amplified directly minus room or background noise.  Instead I get what what that , huh, say that again, are you still there?

[GentleSoul]

Thank you everyone in this thread.

So much in it that I relate too.  Trigger trigger trigger.  I am releasing huge amounts of buried trauma.  Painful but very good to get it out of my body.

I feel like one of those old pinball machines being flicked around and bashing my head over and over on the bell things that ring.

Er, yes. "Not being willing to help themselves regarding medical issues". 

You have met my mother, father and husband then??  All of them were like this.

All three of them held the opinion that doctors were idiots and knew nothing.  They all, of course, lied to all medical people.  Made up symptoms, kept quiet about other symptoms.   Having lied lied lied and lied a bit more, they all had wrong diagnosis over and over. 

Also the other dull thud in my stomach was about refusing to have groceries delivered as it can then be used as a weapon to MAKE me to have to visit a PD parent as hey, there is nothing in the fridge.  Oh yes, been there, had that!!

My brother had a PD MIL who used to pressurise them into physically taking her to the supermarket each Saturday to get her groceries.  My brother is a very calm kind man in the end he had to stop going, he was afraid he was going to strangle her! 

PD MIL used to stretch it out into about four hours.  It was very deliberate as she enjoyed taking up their time. They both worked all week so only had the weekend to themselves.

As also mentioned above, she got the warm fuzzies by knowing she was interfering with their marriage.

My late covert narc/alkie husband used to get huge warm fuzzies if he could delay me or make me late for something, or if he could make me do something he knew I didn't want to do.   I hadn't thought of it until I read this thread.  He did though, it was like my attention was more valuable to him if he knew he was keeping me from something else.

When I started going to fitness classes, I soon realised I needed to change the time that I told him they were on.  So instead of saying my classes were 10am and him always having a crisis just as I was due to leave to delay me.

I used to say they were 9.30am.  So that meant I could deal with whatever crisis he invented, still get to class on time!

My dad didn't hear well at all but refused hearing tests.  He couldn't hear on the phone but this didn't stop him ringing me rip roaring drunk to talk rubbish at me. 

I learnt to never answer the phone to him after about 11am in the morning.    Spare myself the drunk tirade!

It was a great bonus to people in our position when mobile phones were invented. Flashed up the name of the caller so you could decide whether to answer or not.  Back in the days of landlines with no caller id, it was always rather a risk to pick up the phone, you never knew what insanity was going to be thrown at you!

[p123]

The hearing thing is getting worse. I literally cannot shout loud enough so he can hear on the phone.....
Even in person he leans in so close - like within inches - my space to talk because he just can't hear. Its awful...

I've tried:-
"I'll get you a louder phone" - "Dont want one, no need"
"I'll sort out a better hearing aid" - "I paid my taxes for free healthcare, I'm not paying for one"
"Well at least get you're existing one reviewed- its been 20 years+" - "No need I can manage"

Then literally 5 mins laters hes moaning about how he cant use the phone.....

I know I've said it before, but MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR YOURSELF

[square]

I recommend not offering to sort out phones or aids, and just end phone calls when he can't hear.

Furthermore, I'd recommend that in person you adopt a reasonably - reasonably - higher volume and that's it. No shouting. No moving yourself closer - he can move if he wants, not you.

As a hearing impaired person, I think a modest volume increase and being face to face rather than looking away are the only accommodations other people should make. Oh, and repeating yourself only once, twice on a rare occassion.

He says he can't hear you, well, that's too bad, dad. We can watch the telly together in silence for ten minutes and then I'm heading home.

[p123]

I recommend not offering to sort out phones or aids, and just end phone calls when he can't hear.

Furthermore, I'd recommend that in person you adopt a reasonably - reasonably - higher volume and that's it. No shouting. No moving yourself closer - he can move if he wants, not you.

As a hearing impaired person, I think a modest volume increase and being face to face rather than looking away are the only accommodations other people should make. Oh, and repeating yourself only once, twice on a rare occassion.

He says he can't hear you, well, that's too bad, dad. We can watch the telly together in silence for ten minutes and then I'm heading home.

Its just crazy - why on earth suffer when you can help yourself?

Sometime I do wonder if he prefers things screwed up to be honest.

I've put the phone down umpteen times, told him Im not ringing him if he cant hear. I've had conversations where I' ve said "Im not continuing". HE DOES NOT CARE.

[Sneezy]

PD MIL used to stretch it out into about four hours.  It was very deliberate as she enjoyed taking up their time. They both worked all week so only had the weekend to themselves.

GentleSoul - This is my mom!  She has even admitted that she likes to browse and take her time in the grocery store.  Up and down every aisle, at a snail's pace.  Browsing, picking up items, putting them back, debating what she wants.  It is excruciating painful!  And she is in a senior living facility that provides three meals a day seven days a week - so it's not like she needs a lot of groceries.

I finally had to set a new boundary.  Told mom she has to order groceries.  It's a $5 delivery fee and I even offered to pay that for her.  But I can't do the grocery store shuffle with her any more.  Mom is mad as can be.  I am clearly the worst daughter in the world because I don't enjoy following Mom around the grocery store for an hour or two.  Jeesh 

[square]

I recommend not offering to sort out phones or aids, and just end phone calls when he can't hear.

Furthermore, I'd recommend that in person you adopt a reasonably - reasonably - higher volume and that's it. No shouting. No moving yourself closer - he can move if he wants, not you.

As a hearing impaired person, I think a modest volume increase and being face to face rather than looking away are the only accommodations other people should make. Oh, and repeating yourself only once, twice on a rare occassion.

He says he can't hear you, well, that's too bad, dad. We can watch the telly together in silence for ten minutes and then I'm heading home.

Its just crazy - why on earth suffer when you can help yourself?

Sometime I do wonder if he prefers things screwed up to be honest.

I've put the phone down umpteen times, told him Im not ringing him if he cant hear. I've had conversations where I' ve said "Im not continuing". HE DOES NOT CARE.

What he prefers is that you take care of him. He's putting all the thumbscrews in to try to make that happen.

[GentleSoul]

PD MIL used to stretch it out into about four hours.  It was very deliberate as she enjoyed taking up their time. They both worked all week so only had the weekend to themselves.

GentleSoul - This is my mom!  She has even admitted that she likes to browse and take her time in the grocery store.  Up and down every aisle, at a snail's pace.  Browsing, picking up items, putting them back, debating what she wants.  It is excruciating painful!  And she is in a senior living facility that provides three meals a day seven days a week - so it's not like she needs a lot of groceries.

I finally had to set a new boundary.  Told mom she has to order groceries.  It's a $5 delivery fee and I even offered to pay that for her.  But I can't do the grocery store shuffle with her any more.  Mom is mad as can be.  I am clearly the worst daughter in the world because I don't enjoy following Mom around the grocery store for an hour or two.  Jeesh 

Sneezy, great work on setting the boundary with your mum.       Love "the grocery store shuffle"! 

LOL, may I just point out that you are actually the second worse daughter in the world, I am the worse due to me setting a boundary of me not being prepared to listen to my (now Late) covert narkie mum MOAN for hours about her self induced problems that she refused to do nothing about!!      

[lkdrymom]

PD MIL used to stretch it out into about four hours.  It was very deliberate as she enjoyed taking up their time. They both worked all week so only had the weekend to themselves.

GentleSoul - This is my mom!  She has even admitted that she likes to browse and take her time in the grocery store.  Up and down every aisle, at a snail's pace.  Browsing, picking up items, putting them back, debating what she wants.  It is excruciating painful!  And she is in a senior living facility that provides three meals a day seven days a week - so it's not like she needs a lot of groceries.

I finally had to set a new boundary.  Told mom she has to order groceries.  It's a $5 delivery fee and I even offered to pay that for her.  But I can't do the grocery store shuffle with her any more.  Mom is mad as can be.  I am clearly the worst daughter in the world because I don't enjoy following Mom around the grocery store for an hour or two.  Jeesh 

My father used to think me taking him to the doctor was some sort of treat for me.

[GentleSoul]

My father used to think me taking him to the doctor was some sort of treat for me.