Dad and unwillingness to spend money to help himself -hearing aid

[nanotech]

Yes, the inflated view of themselves.  For some reason, they all think they are royalty. "Just tell them you are doing something for your father...they will understand".  I wonder if your father ever walked off his job to help one of his parents . 

When I was a kid my grandmother would ask me if I told all my friends that she was here visiting. I'd look at her like she was crazy and ask why she thought my friends would need to know that.  It didn't faze her. In her mind she was a VIP and EVERYONE would be thrilled to know she was here.

Oh yes. Dad does not understand the difference between employer and client/customer AT ALL. His answer is always "well ask you're boss". I don't have a "boss" Dad..... Yes I've never met a client whos not decent and in an emergency would not be ok about things. But Dads is never an emergency.

Dad would NEVER have walked out of work. EVER. If I was in hospital even....
I've told this story before, brother has a child from previous relationship.  He'd just got married again (to someone else). Anyway, his daughters mother had "issues" and social services phoned brother (he is Dad after all) and basically said can you take her temporarily while mother sorts herself out.

Dad agreed with brother that "he was too busy with work" and she'd have to go into care. After all how could he manage with school drop off etc? And anyway his new wife might not be happy with him taking on his daughter for a few weeks? WOW WOW WOW

I remember going ballistic with Dad, saying how disgusted I was with the pair of them. Theres school breakfast club, after school, childcare etc (but you have to pay for it!). This is what people in the real world do! As for his new wife not liking it, if a new wife of mine refused to let me take responsibility for my kids, she'd be a newly divorced wife.

Dad did not see this at all. All he had was excuses? ("But he can't afford to pay for childcare!") Of course, what doesnt help is Dads attitude that "women look after kids" of course.

In the end, little girl stayed with her gran. My own dear wife (shes so sweet) wanted to offer (even though she struggles with illness herself, and work, and our own kids). It was a difficult one because I didnt want to give brother an easy out.

I'll remember this with Dad for as long as I live.....

When its something he wants, which is never important, then its an emergency and work doesnt matter at all.

Bless you and your wife, I'm glad the little girl went to her gran. You must have felt so upset and frustrated by your dad and brother- their attitude.
Yes it seems your dad's principles vary according to who the beneficiary is! 

[p123]

Hes not interested in trying, your father. Hes interested in controlling you and anyone else for that matter and providing him with the chronic attention he needs (hence the constant dramas). (Narc supply)

Im not diagnosing your father as i think you realise what it is hes suffering from. You came to that conclusion along time ago. But your posts seem to imply that he could change if he just made the effort.  Its not a temporary selfishness or failure to try or think differently, or getting old or whatever excuses people make .

Its a mental illness. Cluster B in the DSM. Cluster B personality disorders are all characterized by emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, and frequent interpersonal conflicts.

Yeh I know.... I would settle for him just not getting worse to be honest. But he is....
I think hes been like it all his life but its got worse as hes got older too.

I always say I mourned for him over the last 10-15 years. When he goes I won't be sad at all I dont think.
Bit sad but hes tried me so badly over the years....

[p123]

Bless you and your wife, I'm glad the little girl went to her gran. You must have felt so upset and frustrated by your dad and brother- their attitude.
Yes it seems your dad's principles vary according to who the beneficiary is!

OMG it was awful.... I felt sick at the time.
So ashamed at both My Dad and brother too. Brother not so much - I've always known hes one of lifes losers (all his fault) but Dad. What made it worse is that Dad is constantly spouting  religious stuff from the Bible. In my book, anyone who puts work ahead of their own child (or advises someone else too) is no christian.

[Starboard Song]

How is it so obvious to me but not to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like banging my head against the wall...

I do feel mean because I've ducked out and not phoned anyone.

You are in fact banging your head against the wall.

The 50% Rule says that, unless we are being coerced or threatened, we are responsible for 50% of every relationship.

The 51% Rule says that we always need to take just a little bit better care of ourselves than we do others.

And in general, we have to accept certain realities around us. You may be happier if you get to a point where you aren't feeling moral frustration at your dad ("why won't he do this?!?"), but see him instead as an object problem to be solved.

[p123]

How is it so obvious to me but not to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like banging my head against the wall...

I do feel mean because I've ducked out and not phoned anyone.

You are in fact banging your head against the wall.

The 50% Rule says that, unless we are being coerced or threatened, we are responsible for 50% of every relationship.

The 51% Rule says that we always need to take just a little bit better care of ourselves than we do others.

And in general, we have to accept certain realities around us. You may be happier if you get to a point where you aren't feeling moral frustration at your dad ("why won't he do this?!?"), but see him instead as an object problem to be solved.

You're not wrong there - makes perfect sense.

Visited him last night. His hearing aid was whistling and playing a tune and he couldnt hear a thing... In the end I gave up, Im literally shouting and hes in my face 6 inches away.

So I said "right you need to do something now - this is crazy".

BUT, his reply "No I dont want a new hearing aid, they wont be able to help me, no I'm not spending money, I'll manage".

Up to you I said. I've told him any phone calls where he can't hear I will end. If he wants to continue not being able to speak on the phone then carry on as you are.

Again, I just don't understand? Why? Hes got tons of money so can afford it....

[Hazy111]

If you cant hear him down the phone, you'll have to visit.

[p123]

If you cant hear him down the phone, you'll have to visit.

Well I do live far enough way that even he knows its not practical. Its about 30min drive so im not able to do that several times a week....
Hes got a set idea - 3 phone calls and one visit a week.

I will never, ever in a million years understand how, when you've got savings in the bank that you'll never spend, you won't spend less than 5% of them for something that's going to make your life massively easier. I can't even begin to understand how he thinks. All I can think of is his obsession with having money in the bank?
I did think it was because he could "waif" and get me to phone people. (hes constantly saying "cant hear on the phone can you call them") but I've refused to do that any more.

[square]

You may never understand it and that's okay. Ultimately it's your dad's choice. He gets to make bad choices.

And you don't have to carry the burden of his choices. They are his. The benefits (whatever they may be) and consequences are all his.

[p123]

You may never understand it and that's okay. Ultimately it's your dad's choice. He gets to make bad choices.

And you don't have to carry the burden of his choices. They are his. The benefits (whatever they may be) and consequences are all his.

Of course- sometimes I can see the selfish reason why he wont do something but I can't see how hes benefiting here.

[square]

It seems that the money in the bank is super important to him, however that works in his mind. Whether it soothes his anxiety, or validates him as a human being to have it (that he is a smart saver or whatever).

Also, the unsolved hearing problem is great supply for him. He likes being taken care if, preferably by you. He likes testing you to see if you'll jump. If you do, he likes testing again. If you don't, he'll try again to figure out how to bend you to compliance so he knows how to work you in the future if you balk.

He likes to complain. In the world of a rational person, we like problems solved and less to complain about. In his world, complaints are currency used to buy valuable feed.

It may never really make sense because it's irrational and disordered.  But that's the irrational and disordered logic of not buying a proper hearing aid.

[Hazy111]

Are you frightened the "money in the bank" "the 40k" wont go to you if  you act decisively. Its the elephant in the room in all your posts.

You know hes not going to change.

Maybe he will leave it to your brother. Her will cut you off , if you cut him off?

[nanotech]

Some posts have already touched on his inability to change. 
He enjoys the conflict the whole thing provides.
Like my dad, he seems to value his worth according to his bank balance. To touch the money is a kind of injury to his self esteem. It comes from their developing a false sense of self as children. They latch onto their material things,  as a value of their worth.
Anyone who argues, however rationally, will just get dismissed.
Maybe best to just leave him be regarding his hearing aid. I think he enjoys frustrating you. You can quietly drop the rope, while quietly refusing to do the phonecalls for him. Just keep calmly repeating  the refusal. Don't offer explanations. Just end the call or change the subject.
He's not going to agree  on the hearing aid. It's in his PD interests not to, He's getting a continual load  of narcissistic supply.   

Note that he's  not lying awake worrying about how deaf he is becoming and what to do.
Hmmm 🤔
He's lying awake worrying about the house exploding of the sky box not working. 
He can't have you there all the time to be his ears. I'm also thinking he may perhaps hear more than he's letting on? From my own experience, they can really exaggerate health issues.
He must be able to hear his TV?

THREE calls a week and one visit? That's a lot. A LOT.
Think you need a break from that, so you can detox your brain from the manipulation.

[p123]

Are you frightened the "money in the bank" "the 40k" wont go to you if  you act decisively. Its the elephant in the room in all your posts.

You know hes not going to change.

Maybe he will leave it to your brother. Her will cut you off , if you cut him off?

No - to be honest, I don't need it at all.

I know from other post it seems like that. I don't want my loser brother who thinks the world owes him a living to have it all though..... Perhaps I'll give my share to charity lol.

[p123]

Some posts have already touched on his inability to change. 
He enjoys the conflict the whole thing provides.
Like my dad, he seems to value his worth according to his bank balance. To touch the money is a kind of injury to his self esteem. It comes from their developing a false sense of self as children. They latch onto their material things,  as a value of their worth.
Anyone who argues, however rationally, will just get dismissed.
Maybe best to just leave him be regarding his hearing aid. I think he enjoys frustrating you. You can quietly drop the rope, while quietly refusing to do the phonecalls for him. Just keep calmly repeating  the refusal. Don't offer explanations. Just end the call or change the subject.
He's not going to agree  on the hearing aid. It's in his PD interests not to, He's getting a continual load  of narcissistic supply.   

Note that he's  not lying awake worrying about how deaf he is becoming and what to do.
Hmmm 🤔
He's lying awake worrying about the house exploding of the sky box not working. 
He can't have you there all the time to be his ears. I'm also thinking he may perhaps hear more than he's letting on? From my own experience, they can really exaggerate health issues.
He must be able to hear his TV?

THREE calls a week and one visit? That's a lot. A LOT.
Think you need a break from that, so you can detox your brain from the manipulation.

Ha ha you can hear his TV from the street - literally. I walk in and shout TURN IT DOWN! It makes my head hurt its so loud....

Tell me about - every phone call and visit is stress for me.

[p123]

Classic yesterday. Last week I laid it on the line that I wasn't going to waste my time phoning him if he can't even hear if hes not even willing to do anything about it.
He wasn't happy. Told him tough luck hes getting hearing aid.

Phoned him last night. "I can hear you clearly". I bought him a special phone probably a year ago, ie its louder especially for hard of hearing. "Im using that phone you bought me".

Eh? So its been in the box for a year and you never used it and I've had to shout down the phone. I assumed he was using it!!!!

Honestly, I could scream sometimes. Gets better "So I don't need that appointment now because I can manage".

Please give me strength. I couldn't even be bothered to argue.

[nanotech]

Classic yesterday. Last week I laid it on the line that I wasn't going to waste my time phoning him if he can't even hear if hes not even willing to do anything about it.
He wasn't happy. Told him tough luck hes getting hearing aid.

Phoned him last night. "I can hear you clearly". I bought him a special phone probably a year ago, ie its louder especially for hard of hearing. "Im using that phone you bought me".

Eh? So its been in the box for a year and you never used it and I've had to shout down the phone. I assumed he was using it!!!!

Honestly, I could scream sometimes. Gets better "So I don't need that appointment now because I can manage".

Please give me strength. I couldn't even be bothered to argue.

Frustrating and infuriating! But...
Giving him an ultimatum worked!  He is using the new phone! Success!

[p123]

Classic yesterday. Last week I laid it on the line that I wasn't going to waste my time phoning him if he can't even hear if hes not even willing to do anything about it.
He wasn't happy. Told him tough luck hes getting hearing aid.

Phoned him last night. "I can hear you clearly". I bought him a special phone probably a year ago, ie its louder especially for hard of hearing. "Im using that phone you bought me".

Eh? So its been in the box for a year and you never used it and I've had to shout down the phone. I assumed he was using it!!!!

Honestly, I could scream sometimes. Gets better "So I don't need that appointment now because I can manage".

Please give me strength. I couldn't even be bothered to argue.

Frustrating and infuriating! But...
Giving him an ultimatum worked!  He is using the new phone! Success!

In a way yes it did. It just sucks the life out of me having to fight to get him to do anything.....

I visited late night and his hearing aid is playing a symphony. He can't hear a thing. All I get is "what?" What? "what?"
Then he's leaning so close he's literally 6 inches away from my face - because he can't hear.

I now officially give up.....

I remember a few years ago, his carpet was so bad it had big holes in it. He fell over a few times but he was determined "it'll last". I remember worrying about him.... Change of approach now - why should I have to expend energy to get him to do the obvious things?
If he struggles or injures himself because hes SO obsessed with not spending money then its his own look out...

[1footouttadefog]

Walmart sells sound amplifiers for as little as 17.00.  they sell wireless tv watching head phones starting at 27.00.  (ask me how I know)

I would buy a solution then insist he use it when you are there.  If he refuses then that is a boundary crossed.

I would tell him you are sorry he does not want to visit with you by conversation then go home and write a letter.  On the next visit take a basket of fruit and snacks and another letter then make it a very short visit. 

Draw a boundary line.  He gets to choose and so do you your response to his choice. 

My pdH had an aunt who was cheap like this.  She kept the cabinet doors open for twenty years because the hinges were wearing out and she did not want to finish wearing them to where they broke and she would have to pay someone.  Imagine working in a tiny kitchen with all cabinet doors open 90 degrees to the wall.

[p123]

Walmart sells sound amplifiers for as little as 17.00.  they sell wireless tv watching head phones starting at 27.00.  (ask me how I know)

I would buy a solution then insist he use it when you are there.  If he refuses then that is a boundary crossed.

I would tell him you are sorry he does not want to visit with you by conversation then go home and write a letter.  On the next visit take a basket of fruit and snacks and another letter then make it a very short visit. 

Draw a boundary line.  He gets to choose and so do you your response to his choice. 

My pdH had an aunt who was cheap like this.  She kept the cabinet doors open for twenty years because the hinges were wearing out and she did not want to finish wearing them to where they broke and she would have to pay someone.  Imagine working in a tiny kitchen with all cabinet doors open 90 degrees to the wall.

Anything that involves spending money = no chance.

Like I said before, its weird and I dont get it. He annoyed me the other day telling me how hes so worried he can't sleep because gas/electricity bills are going up.

He never turns the heating on. The moneys he's got in the bank he could pay the bills for the entire town. Worry is when you can't afford your bills! People losing their homes and all sorts in Ukraine and my Dad can't sleep because his bills are going up a little.

[1footouttadefog]

Cool, you have drawn a different boundary.  He has how boundary as well.

You won't spend money on him when he has his own.  He does not want to spend it.

At some point acceptance comes in. 

Maybe accept he does not want to hear you, or does not want to spend money to hear you, and act accordingly. 

If screaming to be heard in close proximity goes against your comfort, letter writing might be considered.