Processing a chitchat turned sour

[pianissimo]

This is a bit silly of me, but I somehow argued with this friend over things quite unrelated to us. And, what is said got under my skin. I feel bad. Certain things she said hurt me, and, I suppose, my reaction to things she told me hurt her.

What happened is: I mentioned before in other posts, there is this possibly unPD person in work commutes. Last semester, when I was in carpool, she became a problem. In my case, what bothered me was not her, but the whole dynamic in the group. Like, one of us tried to deal with her by making fun of her, the other one had difficulty with setting boundaries. In this process, I started to resent my friends for not dealing with her. I didn't feel like gossiping about her or making fun of her. And, when someone talked about their problems with her, I started to feel annoyed with them.

So, apparently this person did something outrageous recently (really outrageous). Despite not being in the carpool anymore, I'm still in touch with friends. We are colleagues. So, one of them told me about it. And, just now, the other one gave more details about the situation. The details involved other people's reaction to this person, and I just didn't want to hear any of it, because the whole thing triggered the anger and resentment for people involved in the situation. I immediately told my friend that I didn't want to hear any of it. She knows that I'm not in good terms with other people involved in the situation. But, then, perhaps, she doesn't know or understand the extent of it. What got me is, she implied I was taking out my anger and resentment for others out on her. This feels so unfair. But, she was upset in the situation, so, in the moment, I admitted I might have been unfair to her, and hugged her. I tried to tell her my reaction was not about her, but I had my thing with everyone in the story, so there was my reaction, and why I didn't want to hear the gossip/story.

But, it kind of bothers me for her to think I wasn't expressing my anger and resentment for others and I was taking it out on her. Because, I basically fell out with all the others in the situation. At every step, I tried to respond appropriately to things said and done. The reason I hadn't reacted to the other guy who told me the same story is that, he didn't give me the all the details (and, this is another reason why I fell out with him. I think that he usually doesn't tell the whole story). If he had told me all of it, like who did what, I would have reacted the same way to him: "I don't want to hear about it. " I might have actually used the story to explain what bothered me in our friendship, and so on.

I will have to live with this perception of me: I'm too much of a coward to express my anger and resentment to people who do me wrong. Instead, I take it out on my friend when she dares to mention them.

It feels so unfair that I'm doing my best to be fair to everyone, but then I come across as the one who unloads her anger and resentment to the weakest.

So, today, this is who I am.

OK. To process what happened, I suppose I should admit the fact that, my friend was dealing with her set of problems, she said what she said because that's how it felt to her. It's quite possible the situation she was describing was emotional for her, perhaps she was trying to process it by talking about it to me, and she didn't expect me to react the way I did. I suppose, in the situation, others made her feel like she did wrong, and she perceived my reaction in that context. She possibly can't understand how I feel about people in her circle, and how the situation looks from my perspective.

I suppose, in either case, I'm glad I'm out of the circle. And, it's so weird, when I talk to the same people, the same issue crops up. I removed myself from the circle. So, why is the first thing they share about themselves, after weeks of no chitchat, related to the thing that pushed me away in the first place? (While editing, I'm realizing, this is who they are. I have difficulty seeing it.)

[bee well]

Hi Pianissimo,

I would like to comment on what you wrote below. (Please bear in mind I haven't read allof what you have posted in the past.)

"I immediately told my friend that I didn't want to hear any of it. She knows that I'm not in good terms with other people involved in the situation. But, then, perhaps, she doesn't know or understand the extent of it. What got me is, she implied I was taking out my anger and resentment for others out on her. This feels so unfair. But, she was upset in the situation, so, in the moment, I admitted I might have been unfair to her, and hugged her. I tried to tell her my reaction was not about her, but I had my thing with everyone in the story, so there was my reaction, and why I didn't want to hear the gossip/story."

Here's my perspective on that:

You set a boundary when you said you didn't want to hear about it. I think that was a good thing. I can think of times when I was in similar situations where people would talk about people or situations I did not want to hear about. I would not tell them and then later I would feel badly because I did not set boundaries. These situations would become worse over time. That in itself lead to resentment.

Perhaps your friend was reacting to your tone of voice...I wasn't there so I can't really offer my view on that. That is one possibility.

Whatever it is, your friend appear to have been reactive when she answered you in that way. (I don't know if that is part of an overall pattern on her part or not, or if she was just having a moment.)

Sometimes people want to vent or gossip and they get prickly or take it personally when others do not want to participate. I think it is very wise and mature of you to stay out of the gossip (and not make fun of  a person behind their back.)

I can see why you would be annoyed with the group for their behaviour, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about that other then state your opinion and then avoid JADEing.

Even if your friend sensed you were irritated that is not good reason to make an assumption that you were being resentful, and to say it in that way, That is crossing a boundary of respect.. Depending on how well she does or not know you, a better way might have been to ask you for more information. Like, "You seem resentful, what's going on with that? Tell me more." Or better yet, she could have just respected your boundary. She knows you are not on the best terms with that group.

You were kind, told her what you meant, and made an effort to repair. I think if your friend knows you well enough she will not take offense to that, and that things will be okay in the long run. If she doesn't understand, and thinks poorly of you, that is not a reflection on you. That's on her.

You care about others' feelings and that is a sign of empathy. You also care about what others think of you, as most people normally do. But I hope you will be careful with that, because caring too much about  it can lead into Inner Critic attacks.

Perhaps this was one of these situations where you did the right thing but felt uncomfortable. That's not  hard to do but worth it in the long run. It helps to prevent resentment and protects your integrity.

You could practice in your mind how you will handle it next time if someone approaches you the same way. Taking a pause before responding might help. (This is one thing I am working on personally.)

It's difficult to be misunderstood but you know who you are. It's not your job to make other's understand you, especially when you act with integrity and they still have the wrong idea.

Then there is the fact that nobody's perfect. We don't always respond exactly as we'd like every time. That doesn't mean we are a "bad guy."

I hope you will go easy on yourself. You are handling the situation in the best way you can.

[pianissimo]

Thanks a lot bee well. Your response is grounding.

[bee well]

I'm glad I could help, pianissimo!


P.s. While I am here, I just thought I would correct an error of distraction on my part. I wrote: "Perhaps this was one of these situations where you did the right thing but felt uncomfortable. That's not  hard to do but worth it in the long run. It helps to prevent resentment and protects your integrity."

I meant to write:
While I am here, I just thought I would correct an error of distraction on my part. I wrote: "Perhaps this was one of these situations where you did the right thing but felt uncomfortable. That's hard to do but worth it in the long run. It helps to prevent resentment and protects your integrity."

I'm fairly sure you understood what I had meant but I thought I would clarify in any case.

[pianissimo]

Yes, bee well. In general, your comment felt sincere and fair.

I've reviewed what happened yesterday, and, I'm thinking of flagging this friend as "not safe". I'm realizing that, her comment that "I take my anger out on her" assumes that my boundary is an aggression, but, even worse, questions my boundaries with others. Her comment also made me doubt my judgement, my boundaries.

When I look at the pattern, I'm wondering if she is realizing when I draw a boundary, and when I consider her past reactions to my boundaries, I'm starting to think she's actually not respectful of them, not with her and not with others. I end up JADEing to her.

The interesting thing is, she is a sweet person actually. I think her interaction with me ends up violating my boundaries because she assumes she can understand me just by talking to me. But, I think, if there's not a solid common experience with a person, like if you don't know them well enough to put yourself in their shoes, asking about why they behave the way behave ends up feeling intrusive. Perhaps I should tell her this.