Mother's Day

[treesgrowslowly]

I'm going to go ahead and open the forum up to discuss feelings about Mother's Day here.

I have been NC with my FOO for many years now, and so one of the things I've had to learn to deal with is this dreaded Mothers day each year.

I realize that each one of us has our story, and all of it is valid. Some have found good ways to cope with mother's day, and some of us are still figuring out what fits for us. Some years, we may just ignore it and not think about it, and that is totally valid. Some years we may use the day to really explore how we feel, and that is valid too.

There are good articles online about dealing with mother's day when estranged. I've seen a few over the years, and thankfully, I think there is more understanding (among counselling professionals), about estrangement and mothers than there was say 10 years ago (but that doesn't mean we ourselves have people in our lives who have bothered to learn about what things have been like for those of us who are NC with our mother figure).

And I think that what I want to say about it at this point, is that, if this is your first Mother's Day after going VLC or NC (or realizing you will probably go NC eventually) then you are welcome here and there are people here who understand. Whatever you do to help yourself tend to the tender feelings inside you around this time of year, is valid.

It took me a long time to get to where I am today, and the journey isn't finished yet!

I grew up being told that a mother is someone who will teach and guide and nurture - so when that wasn't my own experience, I developed codependency traits, to cope with the disconnect between my needs, and my reality.

NPD mothers are hard on their daughters and can't see their daughter's childhood for the precious time that it is. NPD mothers take a lot from their daughters, and adult daughters of NPD mothers can search high and low for a mother-substitute in other women. Even when working hard to heal, motherless daughters will ache when they realize how rare it has been for them to feel connected. We can end up spending years looking for a sense of belonging and community that is really hard to find, and may elude us completely at times.

Most of the people we meet in adulthood, will never see what's going on inside us, and Mother's Day weekend can really highlight that. I think it is really important to remind yourself that your needs are valid, especially around this time of year - and that goes for any child of a PD parent.

What would others like to share as we go into this time of year? I am looking forward to reading what others here want to share.

Trees

[Call Me Cordelia]

This year (today, especially) I’m PO’d at NOT feeling special enough with my FOC. I wasn’t special as a child, and now as an adult I’ve learned to demand nothing ever, and I’ve been afraid of being like my mother. So. I get screwed over by previous and future generations. Even my DH has no clue how to honor those holidays for me. My birthdays and holidays like Mother’s Day have been largely a disappointment. I don’t really know what’s reasonable to expect, but I always feel that I don’t get it. And so DH often concludes there’s no point in trying. How the heck am I supposed to teach my family how to treat me when I DON’T KNOW. And if I have to teach them and create an expectation the whole damn thing feels like such a setup. I have to figure it out for everyone else in my FOC. Father’s Day DH gets a pass because we’ll just do Father’s Day similarly to how we did Mother’s Day. I feel like once again everything is on me. I feel like the Little Red Hen.

What I want from them is help getting our garden dug. That wasn’t a Mother’s Day thing. Just a family thing. It was supposed to be enjoyable to do together. But their attitudes sucked and it’s not done. Again, the Little Red Hen. I’m so angry. But I’m the mom so I feel like I don’t have the right, I did this to myself somehow.

[Amadahy]

This is the first Mother's Day that my Nmom doesn't have the knowing that it's Mother's Day due to her dementia.  I'm sad that we will never have a resolution of any kind, but it is nice not to feel pressured to "celebrate" such a difficult day.  Like Call Me Cordelia, I've struggled with my birthdays and my own Mother's Day celebrations. My family usually forgets Mother's Day (and truthfully it's snuck up on me this year), although DH is sweet on my birthday, finally figuring out I want experiences rather than things.    Really, I guess this year, I'm content to let the day come and go, although some years I have been in excruciating pain, so I surely feel for those who are hurting and send wishes for love and peace. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Call me Cordelia: Thanks for sharing that. I think a lot of people can relate. I am sorry that the garden digging didn't go as hoped.

Amadahy, I bet others can relate to that too. It is good to know that you feel some relief not to be pressured to "celebrate".

Trees

[Kat54]

My mother has been deceased for many years now. But sadly when she was alive any holiday felt stressful because she was usually unhappy about something.
I do know she suffered from anxiety, depression and alcoholism but not sure about PD traits. She had multiple suicide attempts from the time I was young all the way into adulthood so life with her was walking on Eggshells.
Some days maybe I miss her but I feel now looking back she did neglect us emotionally and I don't remember life with her as oh what a great mom she was. Some weekends she was hold up in her bedroom and wouldn't speak to us.
Mothers Day for me know is with my kids and I've tried hard not to be my mother. I've tried to be there for my kids emotionally and be supportive and have good conversations with them. My mother could never do that.
I'm messed up but who isn't. We can only do our best and I've learned to tell my kids what I want from them on Mothers Day. Don't feel like the bad guy because you have to spell it out. It's how they learn for the next time.

We all can all relate and have our different experiences. Mothers Day isn't set in stone, it's how we chose to spend the day.

[moglow]

I grew up being told that a mother is someone who will teach and guide and nurture - so when that wasn't my own experience, I developed codependency traits, to cope with the disconnect between my needs, and my reality.

This begs the question: who told us this? Where'd that come from? Everyone, everywhere around us, it seems. I don't doubt there are plenty of mothers out there like that - caring, nurturing, encouraging mothers who are involved and interested. They celebrate the good things, commiserate with the bad.

I watch my sister in law with awe, the relationships with her children. No, they don't grovel and they certainly disagree but they're valued as individuals regardless. Oh you see that differently? Cool, tell me more! Youre worried about your finals? Don't sell yourself short- you can absolutely do this! You dont like that color/dress/flower? What do you like better? She accommodates and adjusts, as do they. It's not an all out fallout every time someone expresses a difference of opinion, it's an opportunity to learn!! My experience was NOTHING like that and I envy them.

This time of year I hibernate/isolate even tighter. Seeing the happy families gathered around and laughing with mom makes me ache. For the first time i can remember, it's not a bitter angry feeling, but the grieving is real.

[Free2Bme]

If I could disappear from the face of the earth for 24 hours and skip Mother's day entirely, I would.

[treesgrowslowly]

It is a day that brings a lot of cultural baggage to our doorstep.

Kat54 thanks for sharing that about what you went through and how different you are as a mother.

Moglow, good point. The ideas about mothers are everywhere. And yes, there are lots of good mothers in the world, I agree.

I think that while I was growing up, there was NO awareness anywhere around me, about mothers with mental issues / PDs. No one acknowledged it existed, no one talked about it as a possibility, and when people did see mothers treating their kids poorly, it was just swept under the rug. They didn't want to deal with any of it.

Free2Bme, I remember feeling like that in the past, and sometimes that feeling comes over me these days too. It is intense. There's usually relief for me when the day is over and we can all go back to regular scheduled life stuff.

Trees

[Poison Ivy]

My mother does not have a personality disorder, as far as I know, but she did have serious bouts with mental illness at various times in her long life. (She's 93 now.) I think these might have affected her parenting abilities. I sometimes felt like I was most affected by her less-than-optimal parenting. But I've learned from her example and I'm a better mother because of it. I've also realized how much my mom's life likely was affected by things over which she had no control, particularly inheriting genes for mental illness and witnessing her father physically abuse her mother.

I don't feel a strong obligation to honor my mother merely because of a holiday or other sociocultural factors. I try to be a good person to her but I try to be good generally. I don't feel as though I owe her more than I owe other people.

As for my own activities on Mother's Day, my children seem to love me and enjoy spending time with me when they can. That's enough for me.

[BefuddledClarity]

The holiday's meaning went from negative to positive for me.

Before having my little one, I HATED Mother's Day, because of PDmother... I also couldn't find a substitute mother either to actually celebrate it. I used to have a crude view of parents in general and wanted to find the "perfect substitutes" and basically...adopt my own parents{I know that sounds rather odd}.

Now that I'm a parent and have met many other parents {they're mostly single parents like me that have experienced domestic violence, both men and women}, I have a different view on parenting.

The most I'm going to do that day is just wish my friends who are parents a happy mother's day and possibly give out gifts, one to the daycare lady who takes care of my toddler son, and another...to my gentlemen friend's mother, who has been extremely nice to me and a good mother to my friend when his father abandoned them.

Oh, and probably go completely NC with my PDmother that day...I made a post here: How to go NC when you're "in-debt"{to your PD parent(s)}?

[nanotech]

This year (today, especially) I'm PO'd at NOT feeling special enough with my FOC. I wasn't special as a child, and now as an adult I've learned to demand nothing ever, and I've been afraid of being like my mother. So. I get screwed over by previous and future generations. Even my DH has no clue how to honor those holidays for me. My birthdays and holidays like Mother's Day have been largely a disappointment. I don't really know what's reasonable to expect, but I always feel that I don't get it. And so DH often concludes there's no point in trying. How the heck am I supposed to teach my family how to treat me when I DON'T KNOW. And if I have to teach them and create an expectation the whole damn thing feels like such a setup. I have to figure it out for everyone else in my FOC. Father's Day DH gets a pass because we'll just do Father's Day similarly to how we did Mother's Day. I feel like once again everything is on me. I feel like the Little Red Hen.

What I want from them is help getting our garden dug. That wasn't a Mother's Day thing. Just a family thing. It was supposed to be enjoyable to do together. But their attitudes sucked and it's not done. Again, the Little Red Hen. I'm so angry. But I'm the mom so I feel like I don't have the right, I did this to myself somehow.

Cordelia, If you look at it from another perspective, you've given your children a voice, and they can express their feelings to you! That's worth a roomful of gold and more. I've tried to do the same with my kids👍Xx
I'm just the same - difficult for me to know how to let my kids treat me. After a few upsetting responses from my grown kids, it has occurred to me that maybe when they were growing up, I went too much the other way at times, in order to give them their voice.
I saw  that though we had loving relationships, there were times when I was letting them talk to me any old way. They would only do this when they were under stress themselves, but I realised that it wasn't acceptable, particularly now they were adults!
I countered this by placing down some boundaries, and gently stating my truth about how they spoke to me at times. I changed my own behaviour. I stopped attending environments with them where I thought this might get triggered- and I told them why.
It's so hard when our only blueprint was 'to be seen and not heard'. We were conditioned to accept ghosting and discarding as love. We were taught not to see ourselves at all deserving of respect.
Deeper than that, I can feel wary of even looking for respect, because for me it is associated with my own oppression. Our PD oppressors used the term as a kind of glove to hide the abuse. Healthy, mutual respect is a wonderful thing in families.
My new boundaries worked btw!  But I do still remind them! Gently though.

[Amadahy]

I thought this Mother's Day was going to be a non-issue for me, but, holy crap, I'm going to have to go off Facebook until the day after.  All those wonderful, ooey-gooey greatest mother ever messages are too much for me.  My heart interprets all of this as "Nobody loves you," which I know is not true, but it really cuts deep. 

[Amadahy]

From Anne Lamott:

Here is my annual Mother's Day post, ONLY for those of you who dread the holiday, dread having strangers, cashiers and waiters exclaim cheerfully, mindlessly, "Happy Mother's Day!" when it is a day that, for whatever reason, makes you feel deeply sad. I told Neal last year that I didn't think I'd run it, because I always get so much hate mail, and he said, "It's never stopped you before."

This is for those of you who may feel a kind of sheet metal loneliness on Sunday, who had an awful mother, or a mother who recently died, or wanted to be a mother but didn't get to have kids, or had kids who ended up breaking your hearts. I wrote about how I'm still getting over having had Nikki as a mother, and how I miss her, 20 years after her passing, in Dusk Night Dawn. If you love the day and have or had a great mom and happy, highly successful kids, maybe skip this:

I did not raise my son, Sam, to celebrate Mother's Day. I didn't want him to feel some obligation to buy me pricey lunches or flowers, some obligatory annual display of gratitude. Perhaps Mother's Day will come to mean something to me as I grow even dottier in my dotage, and I will find myself bitter and distressed when Sam dutifully ignores the holiday. Then he will feel ambushed by my expectations, and he will retaliate by putting me away even sooner than he was planning to — which, come to think of it, would be even more reason for me to resist Mother's Day.

But Mother's Day celebrates a huge lie about the value of women: that mothers are superior beings, that they have done more with their lives and chosen a more difficult path. Ha! Every woman's path is difficult, and many mothers were as equipped to raise children as wire monkey mothers. I say that without judgment: It is true. An unhealthy mother's love is withering.

The illusion is that mothers are automatically more fulfilled and complete. But the craziest, grimmest people this Sunday will be many mothers themselves, stuck herding their own mothers and weeping or sullen children and husbands' mothers into seats at restaurants or parkettes. These mothers do not want a box of chocolate. They may have announced for a month that they are trying not to eat sugar. Oh well, eat up.

I hate the way the holiday makes all non-mothers, and the daughters of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or lost children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure. The non-mothers must sit in their churches, temples, mosques, recovery rooms and pretend to feel good about the day while they are excluded from a holiday that benefits no one but Hallmark and See's. There is no refuge — not at the horse races, movies, malls, museums. Even the turn-off-your-cellphone announcer is going to open by saying, "Happy Mother's Day!"

You could always hide in a nice seedy bar, I suppose. Or an ER.

It should go without saying that I also hate Valentine's Day, even those years when I've had a boyfriend or some random husband.

Mothering perpetuates the dangerous idea that all parents are somehow superior to non-parents. Meanwhile, we know that many of the most evil people in the country are politicians who have weaponized parenthood.

Don't get me wrong: There were a million times I could have literally died of love for my son, and I've felt stoned on his rich, desperate love for me. I felt it yesterday when I was in despair. But I bristle at the whispered lie that you can know this level of love and self-sacrifice only if you are a parent. What a crock! We talk about "loving one's child" as if a child were a mystical unicorn. A majority of American parents secretly feel that if you have not had and raised a child, your capacity for love is somehow diminished. They secretly believe that non-parents cannot possibly know what it is to love unconditionally, to be selfless, to put yourself at risk for the gravest loss. But in my experience, it's parents who are prone to exhibit terrible self-satisfaction and selfishness, who can raise children as adjuncts, like rooms added on in a remodel. Often their children's value and achievements in the world are reflected glory, necessary for these parents' self-esteem, and sometimes for the family's survival. This is how children's souls are destroyed.

But my main gripe with Mother's Day is that it feels incomplete and imprecise. The main thing that ever helped mothers was other people mothering them, including aunties and brothers; a chain of mothering that keeps the whole shebang afloat. I am the woman I grew to be partly in spite of my mother, who unconsciously raised me to self-destruct; and partly because of the extraordinary love of her best friends, my own best friends' mothers, and from surrogates, many of whom were not women at all but gay men. I have loved them my entire life, including my mom, even after their passing.

No one is more sentimentalized in America than mothers on Mother's Day, but no one is more often blamed for the culture's bad people and behavior. You want to give me chocolate and flowers? Great. I love them both. I just don't want them out of guilt, and I don't want them if you're not going to give them to all the people who helped mother children. But if you are going to include everyone, then make mine something like M&M's, and maybe flowers you picked yourself, even from my own garden, the cut stems wrapped in wet paper towels, then tin foil and a waxed-paper bag from my kitchen drawer. I don't want something special. I want something beautifully plain. Like everything else, it can fill me only if it is ordinary and available to all.

[Poison Ivy]