UNPDstbxw sees me as black and white at the same time

[escapingman]

Would you mind if I ask how old the kids are ?

11-13.

I just went through my journal where I have documented incidents from the past 2 years, I have not documented all as I have been to worn out to write at periods. But I read through it all, its 12 pages, and includes all kind of verbal, emotional and physical abuse. I had almost forgot most of it, but reading it I feel sick. If I give that to the police I and I am believed I think she might face a prison sentence. I am actually shaking to read what me and the girls have gone through. I am also feeling embarrassed it went so far and for so long without me managing to stop it. I am considering printing the document and hand to the both my solicitor and the police. 

[feralcat]

Ah. Younger than I'd imagined, then. I thought maybe 13;15.
Very young really. Not even old enough to have tried to individualise.

I talked (on the phone) to my counsellor this morning. It's embarrassing to hear yourself talking about what went on - that I just accepted, because I thought it was normal - and how I tried to deal with it by disassociating and trying to stay on the right side of my unPdM. And continued to do so ... For the next 40 years (yup). My father enabled her. He couldn't cope, and basically froze. Worked all the time, seeing his role as financially providing. Like the traditional working class man he was. Blinkers on. Duty done.

That's the trouble. Until we (hopefully) come Out of the FOG we carry on magically thinking that , one day, everything will be ok. Kids aren't adults. They understand very little. SG might know you won't punish her like your StbxW does, but she might hope that by giving her what she wants the unpleasantness will go away.   If even just for a little while.

I'm really glad you're not like my dad. I'm really glad this forum is here.
It is, and will be, bloody hard. To do what you need to. The longer your kids are living this , the more ingrained the subconscious damage will be.
You've come an awfully long way in a short space of time . Never forget that

[losingmyself]

EM, I'm happy you had a good weekend with SG, too bad it couldn't have been with both, but maybe it'll come.
I read what you said about stbxw changing her tactics with SG, and the poor child being confused. I feel so bad for them, life is confusing for that age in a normal environment!
Can you, in an alone moment, convey to her that you see her M's confusing behavior, and you know the backlash if she doesn't go along with her. Not that you're going to say "Yeah your M's cray-cray" Just that you see that she acted this way on Friday and this way on Monday. Just ask her how she feels, and listen to her.
My guess is that she knows that you will always be there, and you're the 'safe' parent, so she CAN lash out at you. Because you'll always love her, no matter what. (That's a thing I learned from Kris G!)
A thing I used to say to my kids if they said they didn't like me was "Well, that's too bad, because I'll always love you.."  And leave it at that.
See your kids with compassion, let them know that you understand where this behavior is coming from. Not that it makes it acceptable! But you'll be there when they choose to act normally toward you.  They're still little babies, and they can't wrap their brains around what's happening. I feel so bad for all of you.
I hope things get better soon.

[escapingman]

Thanks for your replies.

SG knows something is wrong with her mum, she ask me to go out with her all the time to avoid being in the same house as her mum and sister. I think she knows she is just getting crumbs at the moment and she is taking whatever she can get from her mum. She is not stupid, she knows the next drama is just around the corner whenever she puts a foot wrong. For the last as long as I can remember I have to do everything with SG, emotionally and activities. It takes a toll on me to try to stay above the water myself and at the same time keep SG above. With the way STBX has escalated the abuse through GC I don't think I can do this any longer and therefor I will have to take this to the next step, protection orders and the police. If I don't do this I will lose GC forever, maybe SG as well. I have always been so scared of doing this as I am scared of what STBX will do, but she is doing it anyway now so no point in holding back. I have nothing to lose anymore, I suppose that's a good situation in certain ways as I really don't have anything to lose by trying to take her on.

[losingmyself]

Good luck. You know you have a cheer section here.
Reading your post, I kept thinking of what they tell you on airplanes.. put your oxygen mask on first.
You can do this.

[escapingman]

So, I filed for divorce citing her abuse as the reason. I have told her so many times I lost count she needs to stop her abusive behaviour. Twice my solicitor have told her through her solicitor that she need to stop her abusive behaviour. Has she stopped it? No, she has escalated it and doubled up with using GC to escalate the abuse. Today I am meeting with my solicitors to discuss the divorce and also her behaviour. I am worried about telling my complete story as I am embarrassed I let it go so far. I have my 12 pages of documented abuse, my most private secrets no one knows about, the physical attacks on me, the physical attacks on the girls, the verbal abuse, the name calling, the screaming, the intense crying when in victimhood, 155 incidents backed up with over 400 voice recordings. I am still scared this will not be enough. I am still scared I will be laughed at for letting it happen. I am scared everything will be twisted round and I will be named the abuser. She has threatened to report me to the police several times, I am not sure what she is planning to report but with her imagination it could be a lot. She has accused me for the abuse she is doing. I have lost it at times over the years and taken the bait and fallen into the trap of JADE.

This morning, STBX and GC started complaining to SG again for sneezing. SG lost it and shouted at them she wish they could have hay fewer for just one day to see how it is. They both laughed at her and started making fun of her. I always stay away to avoid unnecessary confrontation, but when I came out of my bedroom SG sat next to my door waiting for me. GC continued making fun of me instead, and started shouting at me why I am so mean to her mum and why I hate her mum and what has STBX ever done to me.... I asked her to stay out of anything between me and STBX, but GC kept saying it has everything to do with her as I am so mean to STBX. Then she swore at me again, I asked her for an apology which made her  push me into the wall and hit me in the stomach and then calling me an abusive father that should arrested and locked up.

I am so tired, so worn out, I have no energy to do anything. Is it me?

[SonofThunder]

EM, i fully support you, in your very difficult case where documenting the truth of abuse plays such a huge role in the protection of yourself and both your children, to release the FULL truth to your solicitor.  It is truth...It is not fabrication and this is a war of truth.

I believe you are handicapping yourself by not revealing the full truth to the professionals you have hired (hard-earned money!) to represent and come alongside you in order to protect yourself and free yourself.  I want to encourage you to let the truth fly on its own to both your solicitor and your therapist.  The kids need you to do this for them, because they cannot do it for themselves as minors. If they could, they probably would, but they, as minors, need your protection; need you to fully represent them and their experiences also. Your solicitor is their solicitor also. Let the truth fly my brother! 

Your comrade,

SoT

[escapingman]

SoT, thanks for you support.

I suppose I am scared to reveal the truth for several reasons.

1) I am embarrassed I was conned and let it happen
2) I am worried I will be accused for enabling the abuse and therefor either be accused for it myself or even arrested
3) I am worried about the backlash and counter accusations from STBX

I am just not sure I am strong enough to reveal the truth. But on the other hand, not revealing it is not an option either.

[SonofThunder]

SoT, thanks for you support.

I suppose I am scared to reveal the truth for several reasons.

1) I am embarrassed I was conned and let it happen
2) I am worried I will be accused for enabling the abuse and therefor either be accused for it myself or even arrested
3) I am worried about the backlash and counter accusations from STBX

I am just not sure I am strong enough to reveal the truth. But on the other hand, not revealing it is not an option either.

1. I did the same but am Out of the FOG.  I am allowing the enabling guilt to float down the river, yet holding a firm grip on the truth of my past.  I encourage you to release the rope on the boat of past FOGgyness.  Let it float downstream and around the bend. Then, look upstream in bold daydream anticipation of a new future for you and your two children.  Your stbx is a grown adult with full rights. She will be ok without you.

2. I would not be concerned with your #2 at all.  The abused are not willing enablers, but simply, in the unknowns and abused state, give abusers a wider berth in which to operate. The 3 C's rule EM☝️. You and the children are the TRUE victims of abuse, although your stbx may reside on the victim side of the triangle.  But her doing so is a facade and a lie.  This is a truth war. 

3. You do not need to be concerned with this if you utilize your solicitor for the job in which you hired the solicitor.  Sure, backlash is difficult to hear about and counter accusations may occur, but they will not be airborne for long if they are not truth.  This is a truth war.  Physical separation is crucial to avoid further direct abuse and all communication should occur through the solicitor, since your stbx cannot communicate without further abusive behaviors.  Your solicitor is a paid professional whose job it is to deal with "backlash and counter accusation".  Truth will prevail. 

You are not alone.  Give the truth its wings brother. 

SoT

[escapingman]

Had my meeting with solicitors. That was a hard one for a wimp like me. She basically put a rocket up my arse and told me to do something and allowing her to get a court order AND go to the police AND go the school and talk to the teachers. I am going to leave home for a week and get all the ducks in one row and then next week we are going for it. I am shit scared, but it has to be done. I am not sure what I am most scared of, talking to the police, the school or telling the solicitor to apply for a non molestation order. 

[Poison Ivy]

Good advice from the solicitor. I know this is hard, but you're doing the right things.

[square]

It's a lot. We're pulling for you. Scary as it is, I'm relieved to hear your solicitor is ready to go to the mat.

[GravityOfBeauty]

Had my meeting with solicitors. That was a hard one for a wimp like me. She basically put a rocket up my arse and told me to do something and allowing her to get a court order AND go to the police AND go the school and talk to the teachers. I am going to leave home for a week and get all the ducks in one row and then next week we are going for it. I am shit scared, but it has to be done. I am not sure what I am most scared of, talking to the police, the school or telling the solicitor to apply for a non molestation order. 

EM, while your situation has the added complexity of children, I can relate to your feelings about getting the police involved; it takes things to an entirely new level. All I can say is this is a time to push forward with every ounce of drive you have left, and then some. I still don't know how I had the strength to do it, honestly, I think it was sheer adrenaline. In moments of doubt it helped me to vividly recall every detail of the abuse I had experienced a few nights earlier. In addition, I had a couple of very close people in my life who kept pushing me forward literally every hour; they saw my situation for what it was and strongly stated their advice, over and over again. If there's anyone in your life who is closely aware of your situation it could be helpful to let them know the steps you're about to take and ask for strong-minded encouragement.

Thinking of you often as you navigate this.

[SonofThunder]

+1 to all the support comments above 👆🏼

SoT

[guitarman]

**** Trigger Warning ****

Thank you for your honesty. I know from experience that it's not at all easy to talk about abuse, especially for men. The shame, ignorance and fear about people not fully understanding what we have experienced helps abusers to continue.

I didn't even recognise that what my uBPD/NPD sister was doing for decades was abuse. She abused all of our family.

My elderly, frail father wanted to kill himself because he couldn't cope with all the stress and trauma she created. We got help from the Safeguarding Team for our vulnerable mother but that ended when they said "the crisis is over". It's never over!

I feel so guilty for not helping my parents more. They worried so much about my sister and all her problems that she projected onto them and blamed them for causing. None of her problems were their fault. They were such loving kind parents who did whatever they could to help her. Nothing they did was ever good enough.

Abuse thrives in the darkness. We all need to help shine a light on it wherever it occurs.

You have all our support here. Many of us have been in a similar situation as yourself. We know how difficult it can be. Fear, obligation and guilt live with us all.

There comes a time when we can no longer tolerate any more abuse. We need to find support as we cannot continue without it. It's OK to do so. You are not weak. You are telling your truth. You are speaking up to protect yourself and your children. They need you to do so. It's the right thing to do.

Abusers rely on us keeping quiet. They will not stop if we maintain our silence. We need to speak up.

You are not alone.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting. 

[feralcat]

EM, you are not a wimp !

You are a (justifiably) scared person who's been worn down for decades. Decades !
It's hard to stick your head above the parapet. A real wimp wouldn't do that. A real wimp would hide their head in the sand and protect themselves, and only themselves. And make excuses for doing that.

You're moving from the known ( Stbx) into the unknown (involving outside agencies). I'd be scared too. It's the Unknown.
BUT sometimes you just can't do it by yourself. Your solicitor sounds awesome. She can tell, even from the short time she's known you, how bad this is.
If GC is physically attacking you , she's in crisis. And Stbx might allege abuse, but you have evidence. She presumably has none ? Evidence trumps histrionics.

So, yes to being able to get away for a week ... let the cavalry ( hopefully ) get past.  And do their job. To protect you and your kids.

[SonofThunder]

**** Trigger Warning ****

Thank you for your honesty. I know from experience that it's not at all easy to talk about abuse, especially for men. The shame, ignorance and fear about people not fully understanding what we have experienced helps abusers to continue.

I didn't even recognise that what my uBPD/NPD sister was doing for decades was abuse. She abused all of our family.

My elderly, frail father wanted to kill himself because he couldn't cope with all the stress and trauma she created. We got help from the Safeguarding Team for our vulnerable mother but that ended when they said "the crisis is over". It's never over!

I feel so guilty for not helping my parents more. They worried so much about my sister and all her problems that she projected onto them and blamed them for causing. None of her problems were their fault. They were such loving kind parents who did whatever they could to help her. Nothing they did was ever good enough.

Abuse thrives in the darkness. We all need to help shine a light on it wherever it occurs.

You have all our support here. Many of us have been in a similar situation as yourself. We know how difficult it can be. Fear, obligation and guilt live with us all.

There comes a time when we can no longer tolerate any more abuse. We need to find support as we cannot continue without it. It's OK to do so. You are not weak. You are telling your truth. You are speaking up to protect yourself and your children. They need you to do so. It's the right thing to do.

Abusers rely on us keeping quiet. They will not stop if we maintain our silence. We need to speak up.

You are not alone.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Thank you so much for you support.

I left for a week, same second as I got into the taxi a big sense of relief came over me. I do miss SG and feel bad for leaving her behind, but I need a break. Arrived to my hotel and though what do I do know, my body told me - sleep! So I just went to bed and slept all afternoon. I struggle to sleep at home, but I just fell asleep. Now I have sorted out stuff for the solicitor, struggle to send all my files though as they are to big, but I hope I find a way, if not I get a usb stick and send in the post.

STBX has now got into victim mode about money, she keep shouting at the girls to turn of lights as we cant afford the bills. SHe also started splitting hers and mine, I was making my food yesterday and had the ketchup bottle out, she came and took it off me and said she bought that so I could not use it.

I hope the end is near.

[SonofThunder]

Thank you so much for you support.

I left for a week, same second as I got into the taxi a big sense of relief came over me. I do miss SG and feel bad for leaving her behind, but I need a break. Arrived to my hotel and though what do I do know, my body told me - sleep! So I just went to bed and slept all afternoon. I struggle to sleep at home, but I just fell asleep. Now I have sorted out stuff for the solicitor, struggle to send all my files though as they are to big, but I hope I find a way, if not I get a usb stick and send in the post.

STBX has now got into victim mode about money, she keep shouting at the girls to turn of lights as we cant afford the bills. SHe also started splitting hers and mine, I was making my food yesterday and had the ketchup bottle out, she came and took it off me and said she bought that so I could not use it.

I hope the end is near.

Enjoy EM.  ☺️

To send secure files to the solicitor, consider using a cloud service such as Dropbox, which you can give permission to the solicitor to download what you upload to your secure cloud space . Its seamless!   I use it for business in many-many areas.  In the US, post is having big difficulty in reliability issues and long delays.   Not sure about EU post.

SoT

[escapingman]

Thanks SoT, I managed to compress the files and send them. No holding back now, J shared my very personal and private journal including 150+ incidents over the last 2 years.  I am feeling very vulnerable having done so, but I gad to. Will see what they say but will probably share it with the police unless they tell ne it's rubbish.