UNPDstbxw sees me as black and white at the same time

[SonofThunder]

Wow, that's a HUGE step! Way to go, EM! I think you'll be very glad you did it.

+100. Proud of you my friend! Your experiences are truth and this is a truth war for you.  You just deployed a huge boundary wall of truth.

As you know, proper boundaries are designed and put into effective action for self-protection.  You have been privately creating this written, protective boundary wall of truth for 2 years but now it has been deployed.

When your stbx runs into your self protective boundary wall of truthful experiences, she is, imo, going to react in a way that will convey that she is being punished by your revealed boundary, as her (so she thought) secret abuses to those in relationship circles 1 (you) and 2 (kids), have finally escaped the confines of the home and your mind.  But, self-protective boundaries are not punishment. She will surely be emotionally hurt when she runs into it, because truth does not budge. 

Please remember that all you did was deploy a self-protective boundary and you do not control anyone who may run into your boundary.  Your stbx is free to try and refute, twist, smear, blame and any other PD method to try and prove that your truth is false information, and it's going to be quite revealing to you and others to watch her argue with your wall of truth. 

Also when road repair crews put up a protective boundary, they don't then sit around and watch traffic react to the boundary. Instead they get busy behind the boundary, on all the details that are needed to move forward with their work and make steady progress to completion.  The workers may hear people braking hard to avoid the boundary and swearing at all the hassle the boundary creates, but the workers let the boundary do its job.

I want to suggest you let this 2 year/150 journals of truth do its own job with your solicitor at the helm, while you focus on moving forward with your own life, work, loving the kids as best possible during the truth war and planning/daydreaming about the future.  Also take the time to emotionally and physically care for yourself even more than before.  You deserve it.  Remember that you and the kids are the truthful victims. 

Great job EM! 

SoT

[guitarman]

**** Trigger Warning ****

Well done. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children.

Of course you feel vulnerable because you fear the consequences of your wife's retribution, rage and revenge that she's threatened you with for a long time. I know how that feels. My uBPD/NPD sister threatened suicide if we dare speak out and tell our truth. It was how she controlled our family for decades. She would scream, shout and rage at us for hours using her loud voice as a weapon.

FEAR can stand for

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

Our minds can make up false scenarios of events that may happen in the future but never will.

Keep calmly telling your truth. Be resolute. Be determined.

We need to work on building our self esteem. It has deliberately and systematically been broken down by our abusers to weaken and confuse us.

Keep telling yourself assertive positive affirmations as though you are speaking to your best friend. Give yourself that advice. It's what I do. I talk to myself out loud being my own cheerleader.

"Good job". "Well done". "I'm proud of you". "You did right".

There has been research done to prove that saying it out loud is important. It needs to be received by your ears into your brain.

I calmly talk to myself out loud using my adult voice to confront my inner critic which can be very loud and negative. I soothe and console my frightened inner child to protect it from any more harm.

The counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube says to do "mirror work" every day. It's where you look at yourself in the mirror and congratulate yourself for all that you've achieved. You praise yourself and give yourself permission to have a good day. You become your own best friend.

It may seem strange but over time it works. Over years we have been beaten down and afraid to talk about our own feelings. Now you can begin to do so.

Don't feel afraid, be proud of what you've done.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Thanks for all your support.

I thought STBX would calm down a bit with me out of the house, but no. My beautiful SG reported abuse to me. Apparently she was refused food and then later on was attacked by both STBX and GC. Without me having told her to, that clever girl took her own voice recordings of the abuse and sent to me.

I will instruct solicitor to file whatever is needed to start working on having STBX removed from the house.

[Boat Babe]

And Children's Services. Really, you must.

[guitarman]

I'm sorry to learn about what has occurred. It seems your wife is being vindictive towards your SG daughter. She is taking out her revenge via her on you. As she can't hurt you she is hurting what you care most about.

I know of a similar UK case where the child rang ChildLine to report their abusive parent. They then got the help they really needed.

Withholding food is abuse. Neglect is abuse. This needs to be reported as soon as possible. The Safeguarding Team will be informed. They will be alerted by the police. Your children are very vulnerable.

I hope this can be resolved quickly.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[losingmyself]

I must agree with Boat Babe and Guitarman.
You need to call child protective services and if nothing else, have SG removed from the house, for her safety. Or, just go get her and have her stay with you.
Call the police, blow the whistle, pull the fire alarm, just get her out of there.

[escapingman]

Thanks for all your advice. I am going to find out the state of what's going on from SG. I know all advice I get is to go home, but I feel it's a trap. STBX would send GC on me to provoke me and then turn it on me being the abusive one. A better way would be to ask one of her friends to invite SG for the weekend, STBX would not stop that as appearance is everything. I know the parents of a few friends as I have broken out if the isolation forced upon me. Again, I cannot risk being setup by STBX and accused of being the abusive one so close to getting a court order on her.

[square]

Yes, get SG to a friend's ASAP.

And pull the trigger on tge report ASAP. Assume you are waiting for legal advice on this latest sevelopment. But don't wait too long.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[hhaw]

EM:

It seems like your T SHOULD file reports as a mandatory reporter, IME.

She's an advocate for you AND your children..... but you need to give her the information to file those reports, IME.

[escapingman]

Again, thanks for your advice. My solicitor will prepare paperwork for the court on Monday, not sure how quick it will be but suspect very quick. Police, social, T etc will come but I need the protection order first. If she breach that she will be in big trouble, which is why I need that before next steps. If it goes to an emergency hearing g I could have it early next week I believe. Until then I have to try to keep calm and stay away as much as possible,  I cannot risk any false allegations of me "attacking" GC, which is a very real possibility. I am pretty sure SG will be fine short term, but if something happens I will tell her to go to a friend. Just before I left the house GC kept physically attacking me, and in the end made up that it was me attacking g her with STBX threatening to call the police. Luckily I have the incident recorded and it is clear I am being pushed and defend myself, but what about next time?

[square]

You gotta just up and leave the house when you are being attacked by anyone. "Defending yourself" can look murky.

[escapingman]

You gotta just up and leave the house when you are being attacked by anyone. "Defending yourself" can look murky.

What I mean with defending myself is trying to not be pushed into the fridge and cooker. What am I supposed to do? Just fall? When someone, even if it's a child comes charging at me the reflex is to protect myself. I don't think anyone would not just put their arms up to protect themselves without even thinking? Also want to add I have a really bad back, I have gone to the physio for a long time and still in recovery. Being pushed and all to fall could get me back to square 1. Did I mention that GC on purpose tries to hit me in my back for maximum damage when she gets going?

[guitarman]

Thank you for the updates.

I think you are wise to stay away, unless your children are in any imminent danger in which case the police need to be called immediately.

This all sounds very familiar to me. My uBPD/NPD sister made several false allegations when another sibling tried to fend her off when she was loudly intimidating our vulnerable mother. They pulled her away and she claimed she had bruises on her arm where they had attacked her. She delighted in having the evidence that she thought she needed to prove that she was the victim and had been attacked.

As I've stated before accidents can so easily happen when people are acting out or raging. During this highly aroused emotional state adrenaline is realised and we can automatically go into fight or flight mode. That is when violence is more likely to occur.

I've seen it happen so often with my sister. She would argue with me. I remained calm and usually silent. During these times she would try and provoke me into anger with her but I wouldn't respond. She would shout and scream at me.

After being aroused she would take a long time to self soothe and calm down.

Just writing about this now my body has automatically responded. My heart beat has risen, so has my breath rate and I'm sweating. It's from all the adrenaline that has been released just from the memory.

I hope this can all be peacefully resolved for you soon.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

I sympathise with your back issue. I am living with sciatica and I have to be so careful about any physical activity I do.

When my uBPD/NPD was moving house years ago she was very stressed out. She needed my help but because of all the stress I was under my back went into excruciating spasms caused by sciatica and I couldn't move. I couldn't help her with her house move. I think my body was trying to protect me from any further harm from being in her company.

Stress and trauma have an impact on our physical and mental health. That is why regular Mindfulness meditations have helped me to relax and remain calm.

I hope your GC daughter will eventually realise why she is projecting all her resentment onto you and not her mother. She sounds to be very confused and in desperate need of help.

[escapingman]

I am sorry this is triggering you GM, but thank you so much for your support. I have been baited in the past and I have no desire to risk this happening again. I can remember this specific incident STBX kicked off for some reason, I removed myself and went into another room and sat down. She came after me and started hitting me all over my chest and face and after just sitting there taking hit after hit for only God knows how long I found myself back in the kitchen having grabbed her carrying her all the way there. I have no idea what happened but there must have been a switch that just had enough. That's when I knew I had lo leave her. That's 2.5 years ago.....

[guitarman]

I came so close to being violent towards my uBPD/NPD sister, thankfully I never did. That is when I realised that I needed support. I felt things that I had never felt before. I had a primeval need to fight back.

When she was verbally attacking and harassing our elderly, frail vulnerable parents was when I got so enraged. I had to protect them from any harm but it was difficult to do so. They endured so much from her and were so kind to her.

On one occasion my sister provoked me so much and rather than shout back at her I shouted and raged at her husband instead. She was blaming him for her being upset. So I projected my anger towards him instead of her, so I know from experience how projection works.

Instead of taking abuse for her I would lock myself in the bathroom where she would still rage at me from outside. I was so afraid of what I might do to her. On other occasions I had to run away from her as I couldn't take any more.

Often if she was annoying our parents I would divert her attention and get her to join me in the garden. It often used to work. So I learnt to distract her. I often went on long walks with her in a big park so she could have someone to vent at. I felt drained afterwards and took days to recover. I did it purposefully so that she got some exercise and calmed down.

She would repeat herself over and over saying the same old things. I calmly persevered so she would drain her energy and not go back home and get angry with her children and husband.

It seemed she had so much energy and adrenaline at times that she needed to get rid of.

I could go on and on with so many incidences!

It's good that you have this forum for support. I knew I felt so isolated at times not knowing what to do in a crisis. I can remember there were times when my parents and myself were crying together as we didn't know what we could do any more to support my sister. We felt helpless and so alone.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[square]

On your side 100%, EM. The fact that you and SG are enduring physical attacks is both horrific and shameful on tha part of stbx (I blame her for GC's actins too). It's just... no words.

Even worse is the potential for this to come back on you somehow. It's !!NOT FAIR!!

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by defending yourself. Of course you can and should shield your body. And ASAP get the hell out of there.

I know sometimes men have described pinning a woman's arms down or otherwise restraining her to stop an attack. This is something to avoid. I am assuming your stbx is also recording. God forbid you have audio only and she has video that is cut to favor her (such as a cam you don't know about).

That's all I meant. If your defenses are purely shielding, of course, do it. I hate writing that, like I'm suggesting you just continue to endure abuse. I hope so much that you abd the kids are out of this nightmare really really quick.

If I upset you, I'm so sorry. I want you safe. No judgment over here, just worried for you.

[escapingman]

Thanks again for your support.

I am scared shitless, last night I had nightmares about the abuse. After commiting to apply for a court order I can't think straight. Thinking going to the police as well makes me choke. I don't know where all this will lead and what STBX is capable of. I am so scared.

[JustKeepTrying]