Feeling FOGGED By a Friend, While "Breaking Up" With Her

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hello lovely forum - I'm looking for guidance and support surrounding a friend that I finally decided to sort of "break up" with. I know it's the right thing to do, to break the codependent patterns in my life, but I'm also experiencing intense guilt and shame over doing it and have that nagging feeling still like I did something wrong.

A couple years ago, I wrote in to the forum
about this friend I was feeling really confused about - I think the topic was "Am I Being Codependent? (Friend Edition)"

Over the last couple years, I've distanced myself from this friendship because it seemed she required my undivided attention when it suited her, but couldn't give me hers....plus lots of other issues going on.

She'd fall off the face of the earth if things were going well in her life, then out of nowhere try to cry on my shoulder after being unavailable, flaky, and unresponsive for months, when I had my own things going on too (she would avoid talking about these things).

Recently she started blowing up my phone again. My guess is something bad happened - maybe her family is shunning her again, maybe somebody dumped her. But it's always something like that, and it's very predictable. It's the only reason why she tries to reach out and get together.

A year ago when she was blowing up my phone out if the blue, I told her I was buried with my own problems and couldn't be there for her as a friend - I was critically ill and my life was in shambles. She knew this, but was indifferent. She seemed to get the message then, but...here she is again.

Reaching out to me is not to check in on me. It's because she has a problem and wants me to be the unpaid therapist. In the past I would have jumped at the opportunity to help her. If I were in her company I wouldn't be able to help myself and I would probably help her.

I'm a little better now than I was before, but have learned I can't have people like this in my life - it's like putting a drink in front of an alcoholic, the codependent that I am.

Her most recent message more or less said "I've been thinking of you and miss your friendship and I know you've had some hard things going on. But I have some hard things going on too. I know I've flaked on social gatherings, but I've got social anxiety. I've wanted to offer to come up to your place, but I'm way too busy. So stop by anytime. Hugs."

By the way she visited me only a couple times - I would drive to her way more often, and it's a 1.5 hour drive, and sometimes she would flake on me half an hour before getting to her place. She demanded so much attention, then would make it so hard to actually be a part of her life - in exchange for very little.

I knew I had to do it, it would be cruel to just let her keep texting me and not responding. So I told her the gut-wrenching thing I needed to tell her. I couldn't believe how much anxiety it gave me. I managed it OK, but I thought my heart might explode.

I told her, "I don't think I can be the friend you're looking for right now, or that we can have the friendship we used to have." And I wished her well.

She said "thanks for the honesty and take care."

Do I owe her any more of an explanation? I sometimes think of sending her another  message, telling her why I can't be her friend, what she did exactly, maybe mentioning therapy to her or something, and then I stop myself. The truth is, why would I explain this to someone I no longer want a close friendship with?

Maybe it's pointless, it's just over. Maybe more explaining would just goad her on to message me again. A self-aware person would have figured this out though, and she is not.

Of course, I feel FOGged and like I made the wrong choice, even though I know it's right according to all healthy friendship resources and codependency habit-breaking science.

It's so hard for me to fully internalize that I've been taught by my dysfunctional family to cater to people who could do NOTHING for me, and I would STILL feel guilty for cutting them off and risking them not liking me.

Have any of you here had to take theunfortunate step of breaking up with a friend? How did it make you feel?

[square]

Hi, I understand the FOG feelings you are dealing with right now. It's hard.

I think you made the right choice and are very clearheaded about it.

It still stings.

Your text was mature and kind, though the message was hard. And her response was also mature. It's the very best you can hope for.

I would suggest that you just wait this out. The break hurts but you will feel somewhat better tomorrow, better than that in a week, and you'll be okay - and so will she!!

[notrightinthehead]

I think you have said enough. Anything else might come across as critical or unkind. You were brief, firm, friendly and you said everything that needed to be said.
As codependent people we often long for the open talk that clears up all misunderstandings and ends with emotional closeness, forgiveness and a hug. But this is just a hope, dream, fantasy. If that was possible in this relationship it would have happened by now. Your best choice might be to accept reality which is what you are doing right now, and protect yourself by staying away from people who only drain your energy and bring nothing to the table.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Ugh. I remember something similar years ago.

The wanting to JADE unnecessarily takes a long time to get free of.

You don't need a reason to break up with somebody.

If you need one for yourself, you can just remind yourself that friendships are supposed to be mutual and reciprocal.
If there's no give and take, you aren't really in a friendship anyway.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Thanks, everyone, for the quick replies! All very wise, and very good points. Very grounding for me...I could go to CODA
meetings or something, but I abhor settings like that, and have a hard time finding someone to talk to about overcoming codependency.

There is definitely more I wish I could say to her but there's no point, learned that with PD family. Like throwing seeds on tar. We were very close, but she stepped back and abandoned me emotionally when I was going through the hardest moment in my life... right after going NC with my FOO and the hellish confusion that was.

Very apathetic and self-centered about it - I feel a lot of anger and frustration underneath the incredulity that she would write me a message like that, as if I abandoned *her*. I stopped trying to reach out to her because she acted like she couldn't be bothered!

Anyways....yes, no JADEing, just time to grapple with the old feelings. I feel better about it already, in part thanks your validating response. Thank you, everyone.

[blacksheep7]

Hi DistanceNotDefense,

I fully understand your state of mind.  A breakup  is a painful situation just like a romantic one, even if we are the one who initiated it.....a reason behind it. 

I also think that you said it in a Very mature manner, not in anger or revenge.

You have to trust feelings/emotions  about the why, not the guilt that makes you feel like the bad guy, here. As you said, we were taught to be pleasant and cater no matter what.  It sure isn't all about give, give and give.

Coming Out of the FOG changes all that, it's the purpose but the guilt pounded on us remains.  It takes time.

It so happens that yesterday I counted the friends I lost, mostly by my choice after Out of the FOG, six.  That is a lot!  Most of them were 20, 30 year friendships.

I am left with  three and I don't hear from them often enough in my view. One that I haven't heard in a year and called at christmas, the other, months at a time and the one I see more often is too busy doing her thing, working and taking care of her grown adults and only calls when she has is available every two months.  The type that always says she's busy, gets in the doorway and says that she can't stay too long, not even a whole afternoon. She called me exactly a month ago, kept it short and would call back the next week, still hasn't.  I've told her this before and it hasn't changed anything even though she says that she thinks of me very often.  I believe her and just decided that  I take it as it is.

There is this friendship I wrote about: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=90844.0
who really disappointed me saying so many times that  she considered me as a sister.  Her birthday was this weekend and I didn't call her.  I'm not sure that she will connect the dots, I really doubt it and it makes me anxious that there hasn't been closure.  She might call me thinking I'm sick or something.  I'll have to tell her but something inside me makes me very nervous and afraid.   Not always easy to say the truth without the worry of the backlash.  I'm waiting for her to call, I don't want to push it.

I don't believe in close friendships anymore.   I keep busy in my own company and enjoy it but it can get lonely sometimes.  I had planned to go out to do activities in my area just to meet new people, socialize but not pursue close friendships, then Covid came along.  I am still cautious and afraid of getting sick being in my sixties since I just recovered from bronchitis and the flu back to back.

I do understand your frustration and anger, not being valued for who we are.  Apathetic, yup.  Just like my sister friend.
CODA meetings are always a plus.  Been there done that.

Take care DND

[DistanceNotDefense]

 UPDATE. After sending that message to my friend a few days ago, she just responded with a MUCH LONGER message, just now.

She just messaged that she wanted to apologize - and it was for what she did the very last time I saw her in person, which was to completely unload all her family drama and emotion on me without asking after me about my own, and at a time when I was broken. She apologized for using me as a therapist and that she should have gone to therapy. (My thoughts? It was far more than this that was bugging me.)

She also threw in there that she was FULLY aware of what she had done and that THAT was why she had kept her distance - it was to heal. (What?!?! I doubt that, it was because she was completely self-absorbed!)

Then she said, "I have found peace now." Clearly not. I think she may have been vague-booking about me earlier today.

Then she says she has actually always wanted a more casual friendship with me, to do this or that. Which wouldn't work - another one of the problems is that she bails, goes quiet for long periods of time, and always relies on me to make the plans; then when I do make the plans? She bails. She'll bail on plans she makes, too.

She ended the message with compliments and flattery.

It has just dawned on me why she is probably messaging me. School is about to be over, and her kids will no longer be around. She will be alone and she needs someone. This was another pattern of hers I forgot about.

I'm torn between just not responding and ghosting her, or finally telling her how I really feel?

*********

Thank you so much for your words blacksheep - I saw that thread and related to it very, very much. I, too, am trying to grapple with loneliness when knowing I am my own best company at the moment, and avoiding throwing myself at close friendships and looking for that "perfect bestie" in favor of having that relationship with myself first instead. 

[notrightinthehead]

Distance, I would consider what I want and expect from that friendship for myself. If you are anything like me your c-PTSD makes you put up wth people who are thrown in your way without considering if you really like them and want to have them around. In my case, such people are around because they have crossed my path and I feel somehow obligated without ever having thought about if they bring anything positive to my life. But that's me.
From what you tell us, this friend brings very little positive into your life. She dumps on you. Then she ghosts you. You can't  plan activities with her because she bails. What, if anything, does this person bring into your life that you appreciate and benefit from? And is that enough for you to continue putting energy in this relationship? Energy that could be spent on finding another friend, who is maybe more your kind of people?
I have a  flamboyant friend since school times, her life is full of drama and there is always something outrageous or exciting going on. I don't have much contact with her, maybe 3-4 times a year. When I do, I enjoy it. It's like watching a movie for me. She also enjoys my company, my attention. I would never be able to call on her when I need an ear or a shoulder, but I can have a lovely evening out, watch her flirt with all the waiters or make a scene for some perceived slight. Maybe this friend could be something like that for you - a study object.

[Amadahy]

Hi Distance,
I think you are very wise and handled the situation wonderfully well.  I had to let go of a toxic friendship years ago and just ghosted the person.  I didn't have the right words (as I was smack-dab in the middle of disentangling from my Nmom and just learning about all this lovely stuff), so I ghosted.  I felt bad about that for a bit, but, honestly, it was the best I could do in the middle of a hellacious family situation that resulted in my having a mental breakdown.  So ... all to say, a big pat on the back for your self-realization, your not wanting to be hurtful, and your insight.  Take good care and yay, you!  xoxo 

[moglow]

Everything within me says to you, Do not respond, Do not respond, Do not respond! What she says or how she might/might not see things right now aren't your stuff. You already told her:

"I don't think I can be the friend you're looking for right now, or that we can have the friendship we used to have." And I wished her well.

I'd leave it there. What she wants isn't really yours to provide, is it? You've had *years* of this, remember? Does her sudden epiphany about one/two incidents resolve anything between you, given your history? She's not the friend you want and all her compliments and flattery really don't change that.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Thanks y'all for your input - as of right now I just feel like ghosting her! I have so much else going on in my life right now as it is. The thought of expressing everything to her feels like a chore, and not sure I feel like I owe that to her. If she doesn't relent maybe I will, when things are calmer.

Notrightinthehead - when I think about it she doesn't really bring me much, just a lot of confusion and not knowing where I stand. Your wisdom is much appreciated and sound. I wouldn't even say she's fun to be around, it was more of a spiritual/personal issues/mutual support type relationship we were having until it became one-sided. Anything we did do that just seemed like sharing an experience I think she'd still make an attempt to bring up her issues, I imagine, so the answer is - she brings nothing, except wanting to be taken care of.

Thank you Amadahy! - your situation sounds like it was similar to mine. My own other entanglements to deal with. Exactly, how can you be there for someone trapped in their own self-defeating pattern and demanding attention, when you're collapsed?!? And they know you could be collapsed, and they don't care - they're like "what about me?" Good on your for taking care of yourself in that situation, too. Bravo!!!

Thank you Moglow! I have a feeling too that if I laid it out to her, the full story of my life these past couple years she didn't want to be there for and that's why this is not going to work, she would just take it as a cue to then open up about her problems to drown out my own. Then nore excuses, more rug-sweeping....no guarantee she would absorb it at all. Sometimes the best communicator, after you've done all you can, is silence....but if she keeps up messaging me....I don't know.

Thanks again y'all for your responses. I feel validated, seen, and supported.

[moglow]

Um, I think you might want to go back and read her response. To me it's another explanation of her and her [more recent] stuff, which she's certainly welcome to do but none of which requires your response.

Plus you already [albeit briefly] spoke your peace and wished her well. That's not ghosting anyone. That's you looking out for yourself and quietly closing the door behind you. Take whatever time you need, and respond further if you want. For now I'd probably let it marinate a while.

Edited to add: Expressing everything to her would change nothing. Yes, you'd get it out, but would you be heard? Would it likely change anything between you or would it [for me] ramp things up to an uncomfortable level again?

[JenniferSmith]

While some of the details are different, there are some common themes here that I dealt with when needing to let go of a friend several years ago. I found my old post: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=67965.0 - perhaps you will find some nuggets in there that are helpful.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Thank you for the further support, Moglow and Jennifer Smith - I think where I stop at, is when she says the reason she's been distant is she has been trying to heal. It sounds like an excuse designed to draw out my pity.

And you're exactly right I think Moglow - I think if I explain more to her it will just engage and open another door when I want it closed. And I'm sure she wouldn't hear me.

Thanks for the post Jennifer Smith, very enlightening! And yes very similar for sure. Sometimes slow fading and ghosting is the only way.

[1footouttadefog]

Here is what I read into her last updated response to you. 

She is acknowledging her behavior with a half apology.  She gives excuses for not having been there for you.  Then she lowers the bar, ie changed the dynamic of the relationship going forward so she does not have to be there for you.

At least that Is what comes to mind when she says she wants it to be more casual. 

Only you can decide if it's worth it to you.  Follow you instincts and heed the red flags and nagging feelings in your gut.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Here is what I read into her last updated response to you. 

She is acknowledging her behavior with a half apology.  She gives excuses for not having been there for you.  Then she lowers the bar, ie changed the dynamic of the relationship going forward so she does not have to be there for you.

At least that Is what comes to mind when she says she wants it to be more casual. 

Only you can decide if it's worth it to you.  Follow you instincts and heed the red flags and nagging feelings in your gut.

Thank you 1foot - this is EXACTLY what it feels like, the more I sit on it.

Also, there's another part I missed: her compliments and flattery. Which were about my generous, spiritual, compassionate nature.

So yes, I think she's trying to say she's lowering the bar, but ALSO throwing in there that she is probably going to try to pull out my compassionate side when we're together regardless.

I'm just not buying it with her....

....to add insult to injury, since I've posted here on this, I've more or less had to shut the door on 2-3 other friendships for similar reasons.

They're dropping around me like flies....

[notrightinthehead]

Yes, that happens. Think of it like a spring clean. You are making space for some healthier people in your life.