Disassociating from the abuse

[moglow]

Carrots, you may find that eventually you can separate yourself, depersonalize any contact you have to have with her. It's an act of will and it's not easy to break habits of a lifetime, believe me. I started looking at it as "grocery store line conversation" - polite, impersonal, need to know information. I don't give mother ammunition, and once I realized she can and will weaponize anything I tell her I backed off even more. I did have to face the abuse head on, but without her. She never stopped, I just realized that the only difference between childhood and adulthood with her was that she couldn't hit me anymore. Everything else continued. I had to remove myself from it, become unavailable.

I didn't cause, can't control and can't cure her or her stuff - I can only do that for myself. I don't have "it" to give her anymore. I sacrificed myself, my self worth, my mental health on the altar of "mother" all my life, and I had to stop. I didn't like what I became, and I deeply disliked when I heard her in my head and coming out of my mouth. Basically I could no longer afford to give when all she is able to do is take, and abuse me for the privilege. Seeing it through the eyes of my brothers, that it wasn't just me and I hadn't imagined it - that really hit home for me too. I don't doubt myself as I did for so long. She really is that person I saw, and I will not allow myself to become her.