Light at end of the tunnel ...

[moglow]

He did mention that Peter Pan never grew up either, asked if she'd called recently [can't remember the last time she called actually]. He totally gets where I am with it and knows her too well, just updates me from time to time. By the time he says anything at all I know plenty more has been said.

[moglow]

Today: Brother #3 has told md they'd like to visit her the Saturday of their trip. Not sure what she told them but apparently [according to #2] she doesn't think that's a good idea and is currently working up a mad. I told him, she most likely didn't say anything one way or the other. Eithrr that and they have no idea what's on her mind or she went sideways, leaving them wondering why.

Again, she's not seen any of them in some 12 yrs, has communicated during that time by text and limited short phone calls. I get it, there's some awkwardness to a visit after all these years. Like Lucy with the football, she's gonna snatch it out from under them and whine that no one talks to her anymore.

[Cat of the Canals]

Like Lucy with the football, she's gonna snatch it out from under them and whine that no one talks to her anymore.

I have a friend whose mother's favorite phrase is, "You are the recipient of your own actions." Oh how true it is.

[moglow]

Yep - no recognition that all actions have consequences. Even hers.

[Starboard Song]

she... is currently working up a mad.

I love that.

[moglow]

she... is currently working up a mad.

I love that.

Kinda sad isn't it, that after all these years we recognize the signs? Bro #2 told her during their conversation the last time he watched her "doing this" they were sitting in a car in bro #1 driveway [She stood us up for Christmas dinner that day, called and lied saying she had car trouble and couldn't make it. Apparently she had a meltdown of epic proportions precipitated by the mere thought of joining her children for a meal, dredged up all manner of ancient history and old resentments. Never apologized or admitted she burned that whole situation down all by herself, still hasn't.] She claimed to not know what he was talking about, that incident never happened. She's said the same to me, regardless of several witnesses and what she said to others at the time. She looked bad so it must be erased from memory.

I talked to bro #3 wife last night - md is trotting out excuses about her house and how it's not set up for visitors, she's not getting around well, etc. She's blaming house issues on bro #2, never mind that she's lived in that house alone all these years and it's set up exactly as she wanted it. They're buying into it, how her house is the problem and she needs assistance. I don't doubt she could use some help but she's systematically shoved away everyone who would have been there. I reminded sis, she's not looking at ways to make this visit happen but looking for excuses to NOT. She is who she is, and she's limited. I told her I don't want them to get their hopes up of "change" and be hurt when she shows herself. She doesn't handle stresses well and she's already spinning.

Piece de resistance [mo asks in her best French]? They're going to seriously talk to her about selling her house and moving to their city, where she'll have someone close by if needed.  Y'all do that! Guess they finally see that I'm out of that circus. NO mention of me stepping in on any level, which leads me to believe she may have said something there as well.

[SunnyMeadow]

NO mention of me stepping in on any level, which leads me to believe she may have said something there as well. 

Whew! Great news - glad you're not an option. 

[moglow]

Fo sho, Sunny! For years they made comments along the line that "of course she'll eventually be with mo/mo with her...," all evidence and conversation to the contrary. I stopped responding to those quite a while back. Just not worth the air or energy.

[moglow]

Odd. Bro #2 is now saying it's all epic sad and dysfunctional at extreme level. There's no meeting of the minds. Noted - or he could stop trying to somehow fix this for her? I guess he's all seeing all knowing and no one is performing according to his expectations? Silly me, I'm seeing it as their circus, their monkeys. They'll either resolve or not, visit or not. Nacho problem - Boundaries, man!!

I'm guessing she's spouting all kinds of stuff to him. Circus monkeys, not mine.

[moglow]

A tad more clarity is available today and I see it:

* Pending visit from Bro #2 - he left home/moved away with Daddy late teens, was told he couldn't move back in with md to complete high school in the only town he'd ever known [she "couldn't handle him moving back in only to leave again" is how I remember it] . Thrown off as the new kid into huge high school several states away at the start of his senior year, meets and later marries his now-wife, raises a family and rarely visits. Kids are now all grown, married, raising their own families. Fairly certain "communication" is strictly via text and occasional phone calls, so not much of a relationship with her on any level.

* Md is spinning like a top, spouting her usual woe is me and working herself up into a mad over her inability to control others, while doing nothing for or about her own stuff. Her home is completely unprepared for visitors - she literally doesn't use her living room as there's no furniture in it. Her home, her choice. She - unbeknownst to Bro #2 - is blaming him and others for her house situation, making it appear outside her control and what's a poor old woman to do with no one to help her. No acknowledgment that for every reasonable suggestion she's given she provides an immediate roadblock. She simply isn't interested and has to find a way to blame others when it all falls apart.

* Bro #2 [historic golden child] is trying to alleviate by being reasonable and thinking it through for her, coaching her in what to do/say. He admits she has no interest in seeing any of them or anyone else, but is trying to make it as minimally painful as possible for Bro #3. He has a great grasp on what probably should happen but she's not listening.

* Bro #3 sees poor pitiful alone md who's been abandoned by everyone [because that's the line she's feeding]. He's thinking he needs to investigate the situation [and then probably tell us what we need to do, since he's not going to be here for it], and possibly suggest that she sell her house and move to their town. Yeah, you do that!

Mo needs to just step back and enjoy the fam while they're here, continue to visit them as and when she can, and continue on. Mo's not moving in with her, moving her closer or anything else. That die is cast and life is essentially good as is.

[Starboard Song]

Mo needs to just step back and enjoy the fam while they're here, continue to visit them as and when she can, and continue on.

[moglow]

You laughed when you read all that, didn't you,  Starboard? Detachment. I'm practicing detachment here, and SO much further along than in the past! Even just a few years back I'd be calling her, trying to micromanage so she didn't get her feelings hurt, taking all her stuff on myself and suffering for it.

Now? Observing. Listening. Facing the situation head on and knowing that my loyalty, my compassion is for my brother. As said in the beginning, I will be there for him, to help temper how all this hits him and do what I can to help him understand that it's not *him*. It's all her, that deeply dysfunctional painful thing that lives and has been nurtured within her. It's not a new thing, due to her being old and alone and struggling. This truly is who she is, who she chose to be many years ago.

[moglow]

Saga continues:

Md is still complaining to bro #2 all the many many reasons she can't do this or that, why the other won't work. Fine tuning her mad. Far from simply accepting the excitement of having her family at a rare all-hands-in get together and getting to spend time with them, she's throwing up roadblocks at every opportunity. No one and nothing can simplify things enough for her.

I snotted off this morning to him, when she runs out of the options she can always lie about car trouble at the last minute. She's done it before. I honestly thought of calling her and suggesting just that so she'll just put it down and leave it there. 

[Cat of the Canals]

It's time like these where you can really see how much they manufacture the drama out of thin air. She wants a mad, so she's making one, and she'll be damned if everyone else's careful planning and fawning are going to satisfy her.

[moglow]

Yep yep yep. Me? I'm figuring everything else in my world around this visit - I'm not waiting for an invitation or for them to make plans. I'm not shooting down perfectly reasonable suggestions because the dog will need to go outside [yes, that's one of her excuses]. That dog can be closed up in a room or his crate with a potty pad and deal with it when she gets back. Or hell, board him for a day or two, he'd probably appreciate the break anyway.  Before we turn around good they'll be gone again and I'd bet won't be coming back any year soon, she's completely unable to just savor the moments when she has them.


It's all just a whole lot of noise for her.

[moglow]

It appears fecal matter has hit the oscillating object between md and bro #3 re: upcoming visit. She's still trotting out "options" and excuses, actually asked him what is this a family reunion?? [Her comment and delivery didn't go over well with him!] They are coming to visit. Period. They -as a family- actually enjoy each other's company and regularly take vacations together. This year they chose to visit our area. I fail to see that as a problem on any conceivable level but as we've established before, I don't understand a whole lot of things about her.

I get that md's pretty much a recluse, a shut in. She's been that way for many years now. I don't remember the last time she saw any of her family who lives nearby and we're within a 2hr drive, depending on traffic and time of year. She's not been here herself in at least that long. None of this is new stuff and I still fail to see why it's suddenly an issue. Make plans to see them or don't, and carry on. But no. No one is openly admitting the crap hidden behind that curtain, that if she comes here she's faced with her WHOLE family that she's not seen in years. Not her best look and there's no easy way to gloss that one over.

It sounds like their conversation didn't go as she intended, and #3 may have unloaded on her instead of rolling over. She thought [my guess] she could just keep walking all over him. There was a comment from her, that he just wants to blame an old woman. Um what? YOU made choices many many years ago and now he's somehow responsible for them?? He gets points: told her flat out if it's going to be a chore for her to see her son that she's not seen in over 10 years, don't worry. We'll see you whenever. She's telling him to not change their plans just for her - as IF!!

It'd be laughable if it wasn't so danged sad. God bless her and that sick twisted little mindset. She needs to make whatever excuse she needs or go silent and just keep her ass at home. We'll be just fine without all that chaos and ugliness.

[practical]

Well, if she doesn't come, and it very much sounds like she won't, I hope she won't be present by dominating the conversations about her absence, except if there is some healthy black humour involved about the manufactured dramas of hers. Better still, just enjoy each others company without talking about her, so many more fun, interesting topics. 

It does amaze me how much we try, how much abuse we take like your brothers - I used to be one of them. 

Just keep your head above the fray. 

[moglow]

I'm kinda planning to tend bar, be their sous chef and dispense plenty of foolishness. I'm sure I'll have volunteers for all. I don't doubt there will be some dark undertones here and there, but really none of this is any surprise. I took on way too much of that shizz myself over the years. It is what it is and she can have it. 

[moglow]

Hard manipulation and triangulation in progress:
Brother #2 has now turned on everyone. It was inevitable since he'd pretty much done that years ago anyway, can go through a list of how everyone has let him down and turned on him, not seeing that he stopped reaching out or engaging anyone a long time ago. He's the GC, has been my best friend most of my life in spite of his defenses of md and her bs. The past few years he's really come forward with things she's said and done all our lives, confirmed so much of what I've experienced and talked me through a lot of it.

Yesterday he unloaded on me how *I* am somehow to blame for this mess md currently finds herself in, how I should have "prepared" youngest brother and failed to outright discourage their visit. Piece de resistance: He ended a message with, I need to fix this. Me. Parroting what I've heard from her so many times. I've not spoken with md in months, haven't seen her in years. Youngest brother hasn't asked for my input or even mentioned his recent explosion with md. Why on earth is it mine to "fix"? Because I'm the only common link between them - yes, you read that right. I'm the common link and I must have provided misinformation and started this so-called witchhunt.

Okay, work with me here. If I'm seen as the common link between md and her children, WHY - and HOW - IS THAT? How does that even work??? Why is it when she has problems, confrontations, failures to communicate with her own children, is it laid at my feet as my responsibility. She doesn't talk to ME, hasn't shown any interest in years and yet *I'm* somehow their connection?? I'm somehow backfeeding them information when I want nothing to do with her myself? How would I even have any "information?"

She just lashing out and blaming someone because that's what she does. She can't blame #2 because he's the only one who talks to her. She can't blame #3 because he left home 35+ years ago and returns for rare visits only. She flung at youngest brother in recent conversation that I visited them and "didn't bother to invite her." NO I didn't invite or even discuss it with her, and I won't in future either. Not my place and I don't care to travel with her, that's why I didn't ask. For me it's pretty open and clear. Md's still trying to pin scapegoat responsibility on me as if nothing has changed, because that's who she is. Now #2 has joined with her and demanding that it's mine to fix. It's not. It never was.

I know all of this is rhetorical and at the end of the day, I know I'm not to blame. I have relationships with my family because I chose to and I do what I can to keep them going. I don't blame others when something fails - but this? This mess has md written all over it, because #2 bought into it, got sick of listening to it, and expects me to take care of poor feeble md.

All because my brother and his family chose to visit the area on their vacation and he wanted to see his mother rather than shut her out as has been done to him. How sick is that, that it's seen as such a godawful thing for them to do.

[practical]

I guess somebody has to clean up in Aisle 5  so lets see whether we can guilt trip Moglow into doing so.    Just because B#2 is trying to place it at your doorstep, doesn't mean you have to pick it up, just step elegantly over it and proceed with your life.

It is extremely frustrating when a family member turns on you this way, because they don't want to hear the PD drama anymore. Rather than setting a boundary, he is trying to drop it into your lap. F did it routinely when M went off the rails, it was mine to fix, even if it was a problem between them I had nothing to do with.  It leaves you with a feeling of concussion and betrayal. Your Md's drama is hers as you so correctly point out.

Her ability to turn a kindness into a drama and trying to get every family member to play a part assigned by her is astounding.