Light at end of the tunnel ...

[moglow]

... may indeed be headlamp of an oncoming train. Grunt of back story: Mommie dearest has historically been a cold, distant, uninterested parent - we're inconveniences that apparently take away from the all important Her. The entire world and everyone in it revolves around her. Anything requiring compassion, kindness, personal involvement, celebration etc? Not possible other than on the most superficial level. She's not necessarily worse but has definitely not improved with age.

Somewhere along the way md concocted very firm expectations of relationships - that's all well and good except she never communicated any of it, nor did it occur that relationships require interaction, communication, mutual interest or at least shared interests. To her we have relationships because, well, we're related. And that's enough. Until it's not, and even *that* varies. Those unspoken expectations have done considerably more harm than good over the years, with countless "offenses" coming back to smack us later, even months or years after events. They're anchored in her mind as major issues even though in reality they were minor differences of opinion, a failure to ask specific questions or having asked something she didn't want to answer. Point out that she never said anything and we had no idea how she felt/what she thought/that she took it WAAAAAAAY out of context then blew it up from there/etc, she snarled "you should have KNOWN!!" [Based on what, exactly??] So basically, whenever she wanted a mad, she found one. Invented one. Dragged you backwards by the hair through one. And no matter the end result, there was never any real resolution, she'd just eventually run out of steam and go silent until the next thing hit her the wrong way.  Fun times.

So to today's fun: Youngest brother #3 and family live several states away, have since his marriage. They've not visited here in about 12 years now, md has most assuredly not visited them because effort and/or interest were required. Last time #3 planned a visit, she told him "now's not a good time" [that was some 10 years since she'd last seen her own son and she said that to him???] Yep - they're planning a visit with us in a few months, have confirmed accommodations and provided dates, will be staying near where I and older sibling live. I was told last night by brother #2 that md is already undermining the whole idea and stating that she'll see #3 and wife with their grandchild. Just them, for lunch. Ummmmm what about brother's three children and their spouses who are also on this family trip?? I mean his whole family is coming over. No mention of or apparent suggestion of visiting with any of her grandchildren - jumping over that whole generation. They're strangers, in every sense of the word.

THEN it comes out that md is very easily overwhelmed, frozen in fear, intimidated etc by anything or anyone new, and meltdowns even more often than I've witnessed. A recent visit to her bank revealed that they're removing drive through service, it'll all be automated and ATMs within the next month, so she's changing banks. The world has/is moving on without her and she's frozen in time, no real concept how very much has changed since she retired some six or so years ago. But she doesn't show interest or ask questions, just melts down when "new" appears as if it's all a personal affront. Her insecurities all have minds of their own. So you see where this is going ...

Brother #3 will understandably have expectations of a welcome, some remote sense of belonging - as he should! Her expectations? Who knows. Guarandamntee it won't take much to send her spinning and lashing out with a relentless list of disappointments, STILL not occurring to her that she's maintained no relationship with them beyond birthday and holiday texts. There's no common ground and no interest in finding one. In her mind there's no overt all out war, so all is good. She has no idea who they are and vice versa.

It all just hurts my heart. I was visiting with brother #3 a few weeks after md had her "now's not a good time" episode, I saw how it affected him once again being pushed aside. He's going to drive all this way and be gobsmacked to find his mother has no interest in his family!! All I know to do it emphasize to him that it's truly not personal with her - it can't be. She can't see far enough past herself and her moment by moment reaction to any and everything around her. For md, it truly is all about her and her little world and she just doesn't have it in her, not that she ever really. She's severely limited and refuses to do anything to open those horizons or seek out anything.

I guess I just wanted to share, hoped y'all might have some navigational devices I might borrow to help weather this one.

[Starboard Song]

It all just hurts my heart. I was visiting with brother #3 a few weeks after md had her "now's not a good time" episode, I saw how it affected him once again being pushed aside.

You are in a remarkable position. You may not be done, but you are far along the road to processing M's behavior: what she is capable of and what she cannot reliably do. You have an opportunity to greatly reduce any pain your brother may experience.

If you open up to him in advance. If you let him know she may be disappointing in how she engages. If you assure him you've seen it yourself and you role model acceptance. If you assure him you love and appreciate him. And if you do all of this in a way that says this is not an emergency, it's just the way it is, you can be a tremendous force for good in the upcoming trip.

You don't owe all that to anyone. But I suspect you are good for it.

[moglow]

Thx so much for that, just what I need!! He and I were always the main targets, the most vulnerable. Somehow he clung to the idea that "it/she's not that bad." When I was there after she'd let him down so badly, it was so painful. We sat out on the porch swing for hours late one night drinking and talking, his kids bringing us sustenance or just their presence. I tried to reassure him that it's not him, You truly have no idea unless you've been IN it, and it's awful. It FEELS personal because that's "mother" and not at all what they and his wife's family have experienced. His family is very close and loving, and it's actually hard for me at times - the true caring and affection you see with them all day every day. I remember him saying, "I get it now. I didn't know she's like this with you." I didn't tell him I've experienced so much worse with her that being pushed away is actually easier. I've since shared some of her texts and tirades, so they see what I get from her. She's just that deficient and uncaring. Has not one clue and wouldn't buy one if you gave her money for it.

[moglow]

You make a good point, btw - I realized just this morning how far I finally seem to have leaped. It felt like I was mired in quicksand for so long, making no progress and sinking no matter what I seemed to do. Letting go of that rope tied to md and her never ending abyss, THAT has done me a world of good. Older brother recently commented that I don't have a bitter edge anymore when comments about her pop up here and there. Even two years ago? I was still a snarling snapping mess whenever the subject came up - much like I saw her, to be honest.

[Starboard Song]

much like I saw her, to be honest.

Boy, there is a money line, eh?

When we see it, that we are letting them affect us that way and passing forward a negativity, I think that is super-powerful. My version was when I realized in the midst of our crisis that my DW's grandmother had been dead about 6 months, and that while her sweet intelligence had passed totally out of my mind, I was fixating for literally hours a day on their toxic destructiveness.

That was what made me realize I had become wrong-headed. How could I have chosen to spend my hours on them instead of her?

[moglow]

In talking to Bro #2 [the golden child, always] he was telling me that EVERYONE has expectations and "you're not being realistic, none of you are!" I disagree - I don't have expectations of her or others anymore, gave them up quite some time ago. I go into even potentially volatile situations like this willing to meet people wherever they are and knowing if that's not acceptable I can stop it at any time. I'd have no hesitation to shut down a performance, but knowing the players I doubt seriously she'd even try. She'd be far more likely to not show up at all, invent an excuse or blame [possibly me] for her not being able to be there. Okay, suit yourself. We're gonna continue on anyway.

Two months out and he's trying to make things okay for her, make sure she doesn't spin out of control. Dude. She lost it yesterday over changes to her bank's drive through services. She's for damn sure going to pull something out for this visit and there's no way to know what that might look like. The difference is, there's no one left for her to share the drama of it all, no one to care or believe when she plays victim. I'm just not going to hold her hand and make excuses for her - she is what she's chosen. 

[Sneezy]

moglow - You are very sweet to be concerned about your brother and his feelings about all this.  It's sometimes difficult to explain to someone who doesn't live nearby and doesn't see the day to day NPD activities and actions.  My siblings have all come to accept that our mom is the way she is, but they accept it to varying degrees.  Every now and then, one of them will come up with a way to "fix" mom.  Or they will invite her to visit and are then shocked when she behaves the way she does around them and their families.

I've sent my siblings links to articles on covert NPD and I've tried to explain to them what my therapist explained to me (i.e. that our mom is totally driven by her anxieties).  I think they get it, but it's really not something that you can fully comprehend until you live it.  If you don't live near mom and deal with her on a regular basis, it almost seems unbelievable that a grown woman, especially a mother and grandmother, could act the way she does.

I think you are doing exactly what you can do - be there for your brother.  Remind him that it's her, not him.  When he's down, sit with him and let him know you understand.  And also plan some fun stuff that you all can enjoy, with or without mommie dearest, and have a great time.  Make those happy family memories that you will cherish, regardless of mommie dearest.

[moglow]

Sneezy, thank you. For so long, brother #3 kind of shrugged off the ugliness of it all in a "you have to be the bigger person" kind of way. I'd been King Kong for YEARS! I'd been the punching bag, the sounding board, felt like I was walking around with a target on my back around her and was supposed to just thank her and ask for more, with all the be the bigger person bs!! He made it sound so easy and that clearly I must be doing something wrong, because that's what she showed and told him over and over.

When she dropped him like a hot rock, just pushed him away like it was nothing, he went back in time to where she'd done that before, said it felt like a replay of ancient history. It was, because that's who she is. She never learned anything from the reenactment either because people were so quick to make excuses for her. Yes, that's who she is BUT it's still ALL on her. It's not my/your/their failure. Put the responsibility where it belongs already.

[Andeza]

Erm, how can your expectations be too high when you expect someone to act, beg your pardon, like an ass as usual? And I can use that as a comparison to an actual donkey. In my experience they are grumpy, hold grudges, and hate new things to the point of attempting to stomp a hole in anything new. It's why they make good "guard dogs."

Mo, you could have written that bit about being stuck in the past and resisting new things simply because they're new about my own uBPDm. Mine's more waif, less witch (the four archetypes, not calling names, I swear). I do wonder if they're related sometimes. Definitely not impossible.

Now, it's wonderful and good of you to try to ease his pain around what is likely to be a complete and utter disappointment, but please don't think poorly of yourself if you can't mitigate it as much as you would like. To some degree he's got to come Out of the FOG himself to see the truth of it and not be gobsmacked each time she acts like, well, herself. Otherwise he'll pick himself back up, dust himself off, excuse the behavior again, and again, and again, and never see the forest for the trees. And if that's the case, you can't change him, and ought not turn yourself inside out and upside down trying to save him. It's too much like watching somebody walking into a trap and trying to drag them back out of danger, but in nightmare fashion no matter how hard you pull them, they keep walking into that dang trap. Take care of yourself, honey. You're not a punching bag, not for your M, not for anybody else. Not even for yourself.

[moglow]

About that ass comparison though - Brother #2 actually has one and he's a sweetheart!! He doesn't leave my/our side whenever I'm at the farm, follows bro around like a puppy, bumping him with his head like he's saying Hey. Hey I'm here. B is here. Hey. He's got MUCH more love and personality in him than md ever imagined.

There's been a twisted satisfaction of sorts the past several years, now that md has let herself be who she is. She stopped even trying to pretend with my brothers, so after all those years shouldering it on my own they really do get it. Older brother actually compared my behavior to battered wife syndrome not so far back, the way she did so much damage and I was in a form of denial myself but kept trying to engage. But we talk about it now occasionally, how hard we all tried and the damage she caused.

Side note: Md was much more queen/witch when we were younger, has gone hermit/waif for the most part now - because the old stuff simply doesn't work anymore. Thus my assertion it's very much intentional and she can control it. She adapts to her audience.

[moglow]

The guilt trips have begun: Md is hinting to the younger brothers "if things were different between me and mo I might be able to ..." Not that I intend to discuss it with her but in my mind - No ma'am, you don't get to play that and write your behavior off on me. Both brothers have seen and heard what you had to say in some of your shining moments of spite. Not only have you made comments to them about it, but you'd send me random texts stating it plainly - which I later shared so they saw exactly what I saw. There was no restating it out of context or putting my own twist on your words. Any insecurity or discomfort you feel about the upcoming visit is all on you and your chosen lack of participation in your children's lives. I'm not responsible for that and I'm not going to curtail my own time with them in efforts to make you feel all better - either make time and effort to be there or don't. But don't you dare try to blame me or anyone else yet again for how this has all come together - you're the *parent* and should have acted like one rather than a petulant toddler. Grow up already.

[Starboard Song]

Grow up already.

Guilt trips only work for those susceptible to them. You sure are coming on strong as being well over that. Good for you. Try to remember the way we all respond to a temper tantrum in a toddler.

Man, I remember my DS, six months old, dropping his pathetic little head onto the floor between his legs and wailing because I wouldn't let him eat a crayon or whatever. He was completely in the wrong. He was irrational. He was acting irresponsibly and taking it out on me. He was using unpleasantness as a weapon to force us to comply with his demands. But damn, was it cute! We weren't angry, of course. We had to stifle a laugh (though I paused to take a picture). We didn't feel judged by him, or threatened, and there was no feeling at all of injustice. All was right with the world. We were living our best lives. It was great.

That is the peace of mind I wish for you in the coming days.

The opposite of love is not hate: it is indifference.

[moglow]

Alllll of that, Starboard. Except this most assuredly not cute in an 84 year old woman, a mother and grandmother at that. I mean really?  Two months out and she's digging for excuses to not appear, trying to blame someone. Eyes were rolling hard when brother shared those few snibbets of their conversations and all my brain said was, Okay. Well, she needs to do whatever works for her. Her need to have some kind of buffer between her and her own family yet again is just sad.

And yeah, this isn't love and it's sure not hate either. Those require emotion and feeling. It's just kinda sad to see/hear.

[Cat of the Canals]

The guilt trips have begun: Md is hinting to the younger brothers "if things were different between me and mo I might be able to ..."

She can't make time for your brother's family because *checks notes* of the state of her relationship with you? Helloooooo triangulation.

Glad to hear that neither you nor the rest of your family are taking the guilt trip bait.

[moglow]

Yep, the notes are correct. Gotta blame someone somewhere. Or - I dunno - just dont go there in the first place, md. Think it all the way through before you act. That would work too. 


I get that she's running with what she knows but damn. After all these years you'd think it would've sunk in how that stuff never ends well. She builds up and has a meltdown, we carry on without her, weeks/months later she demands to know why no one calls or visits [while continuing to show no interest whatsoever in talking with anyone], claims to not know what the problem might be and that she "hasnt done anything", blames [insert ancient irrelevant history here]... Borderline bingo.

[moglow]

Text arrived as expected - apparently we "need to resolve this between us" before brother's visit. Hard rolling eyes and laughter here - he hasnt visited her in over 12 years and this "between us" isnt new, yet somehow this is needed now? Right. I almost suggested she just reread the note I sent her several months ago, where I said specifically the ugliness between us is over. That's wasn't an invitation to further discussion of things i can't resolve for her.

No, i didn't and won't call. I get that she wants to be heard, but it serves no useful purpose. Stating what she thinks is needed isnt lifting me to jump through her flaming hoops. She can call, or not. I fail to see any point, considering my last several phone calls with her.

I'm going with: Is it kind? Is it helpful? Is it necessary? All, No. So - No.

[Cat of the Canals]

If she's anything like my mother, she expects you to rugsweep everything for the sake of appearances. As if your brothers don't know the gory details. 

[moglow]

Most likely, yes. In her mind there's no doubt been "enough time" for me to be over her most recent nastiness. I understand she feels the way she feels - mostly over ancient history, baseless assumptions and things that had nothing to do with us at all, all while ignoring and/or excusing how she's treated everyone around her. She brought it up over and over yet still can't connect the dots to see how her scorched earth policy actually panned out.

But "resolution"? Basically she still wants her pound of flesh because her life is exactly how she built it. I'm not volunteering for another round of that.

[moglow]

A short msg from brother #2 today: Md is concerned that I haven't called her back and what's wrong with Mo? Um. She hasn't called or made any kind of contact in quite some time. My last few attempts were sad and frankly useless as a whole. Playing victim she is, presenting "concern".

[Starboard Song]

Another glass of wine ain't gonna pour itself.




You keep taking it easy. I am glad your B#2 seems to be cool for you.