Light at end of the tunnel ...

[moglow]

Isn't it? Imagine if you will a world where they visited the area and *didn't* make a point to visit her. She'd lose her shit, and understandably so!

But no, they'll be here, planning a visit to her, she's throwing up roadblocks and making excuses. Looking for a reason to be mad rather than simply welcoming HER FAMILY. Yes to all intents and purposes they're strangers after all these years but still. Reach out a hand. Create a small space. Show them they matter.

Mo must fix this to her/their satisfaction.    You know and I know that nothing I could possibly do would be the right thing. IF I were willing to insert myself where I don't being at all.


To hear him repeating her oft-stated you have to fix this mess. You created it! Over HER relationships with others, feels like betrayal. Just more pandering to her senseless demands and drama.

[Lilyloo]

moglow,  I'm sorry for such a mess. All of it created by the 'poor old lady' who manipulates, divides and conquers, and has to pitied. Its so sick!  Their need to control and make the scapegoat look wrong is so classic. All this because your brother is coming for a visit!!

They need everything just so. so and if  it's not all about their needs everyone faces the wrath.  This is exactly like it is in my family. All of us pulled this way and that way. Mommie dearest has to be at the helm, and always has someone to blame.  Its sad your brother has now dropped it at your feet.  She cant own anything, they never have never will so its easy just to play the blame game.

These family dynamics boggle my mind. I'm back to searching and reading and tho I know I will never truly understand it confirms how sick our mothers are and how much damage they do .. A quote below I found among many that says awe yes, thats it!!

"With a narcissistic mother, it often becomes a team sport with the other children following her lead. In this way, the scapegoat becomes a part of the family's mythology — the stories the members tell about how the family works, both in childhood and in adulthood — which is firmly established as "truth." Like a Hollywood Western, there are white hats and black hats, good kids and a bad one or two, and the family scripts are utterly predictable."

Thinking of you 

[moglow]

The saga continues ... she sent #3 [the visiting brother] a text indicating  that he needed to remember, "just me and you and I'll have [favorite snack] for you ..." Now why on earth would this feeble old woman want separate him from his spouse and family for a one on one visit? She doesn't want witnesses. Plausible deniability for later, where she can claim any of a number of things were said or agreed to and no one knows any better. She'll smear blame for any "misunderstandings" all over others [starting with me and his wife] and again paint herself as this poor old woman with no one.

I'm just tired. Ready for them to get here so I can collect on hugs and laughter, and start planning for my next visit.

[Cat of the Canals]

Yesterday he unloaded on me how *I* am somehow to blame for this mess md currently finds herself in, how I should have "prepared" youngest brother and failed to outright discourage their visit. Piece de resistance: He ended a message with, I need to fix this. Me.

Ugh, this sucks. I'm very close with my brother, and we had similar words once. Despite knowing none of it was my fault or responsibility to fix, it was still hurtful and infuriating. And then the disappointment of watching him flee back into the FOG. Just... ugh. *hugs*

[moglow]

Cat, it feels like betrayal - For him to parrot her words at me after all we've been through with her just astounds me. I have no doubt that she's done the same with him as she did me in the past, gone on and on about who's to blame "for all this," as if clearly her relationships aren't HER responsibility. Sis pointed out yesterday, that md has called them when she was on the outs with bro #2, demanding that they talk to him. No really, md, that IS your circus and those ARE your monkeys! But no, #2 bought into it and shaved another corner off his own world.

I actually thought about it early this morning, if Brother does decide to make a short visit to her perhaps I should volunteer to go with him. After all, if this is somehow my fault I should be there to hear it. Maybe it's time she stop running from one to another with her whacked out theories and resentments and simply face us. 

But still, all this nonsense over a simple visit...

[TimetoHeal]

The saga continues ... she sent #3 [the visiting brother] a text indicating  that he needed to remember, "just me and you and I'll have [favorite snack] for you ..." Now why on earth would this feeble old woman want separate him from his spouse and family for a one on one visit? She doesn't want witnesses. Plausible deniability for later, where she can claim any of a number of things were said or agreed to and no one knows any better. She'll smear blame for any "misunderstandings" all over others [starting with me and his wife] and again paint herself as this poor old woman with no one.

I'm just tired. Ready for them to get here so I can collect on hugs and laughter, and start planning for my next visit.

moglow,

She's doing just like my mom this weekend.  She wants her son to come do her bidding, but she doesn't want to welcome his family who might actually call her on her bullshit, or at the very least, require her to be a decent hostess.  It makes me livid. 

[moglow]

Yep, their version of divide and conquer, even if only in their own minds. Separate the ones who know from those who only wonder and keep them apart so they can't compare notes. Problem with that theory is, she forgets she's shown herself to all of her family many times in the past. We've seen who she is. She's shown us all, repeatedly, and usually when we were most vulnerable. And also - she's assuming this will go her way, that youngest brother will drop everyone to run to her side. I'm not so sure he will, not this time.

[moglow]

FAM IS HERE! Busy few days, I'm staying at their roomy rental to get more time. Emotional and teary bursts as we come together, watching and listening to all the kids interact, picking up like they've been together all this time.

Md has crushed my brother with her lack of interest. First day, I went straight to them when I got off work, sis told me to give him a ride to the house... He obv needed to talk. Hearing md's indifference to him and his feelings in recent conversation, denial that she had any role in how that distance came about, her blaming others (me!) for her not being around them more - sounds like she unloaded on him as she has me. No accountability or apology for the way she talks to him. And he's unloaded some on her, even to defending me against her accusations.

He's seen all this at a distance, thought we were exaggerating and making excuses for her. Up close and personal it ain't easy. He hasn't been to visit her yet, deeply resents her insistence that he go alone. He loves and is proud of his family and for her to push them away? It's a slap. A hard one. The worst of insults to him and his family.

At this point I hope he doesn't see her, that he lets her stew in this mess she created. He's still stuck in the mental "shoulds" so all we can do is see him through the aftermath.


It all confirms my own choice to stay away from her - she's not reached out to me beyond text a month or so ago. I'm sure that'll be more "evidence" that I've turned them against her. Surely it can't he HER!

[Cat of the Canals]

I hope you're having a wonderful time with your family and that -- despite her best efforts -- mother dearest doesn't manage to throw too much poo into the fan.

[moglow]

Well. Bro #2 text md and said he'd like to see her, asked what time/when would be good for her. She has appointments tomorrow. Sorry. Doctor appt. Literally that's how she responded. No "I have appt here but maybe before/after? Would you go with me? I could use a driver." Nothing. No interest. Asked how is vacation, he told her wonderful then told her how he'd spent the day. Her response Good. Yeah, thrilled for him, she is.

He's second guessing himself, what iffing his way through it. Trying to understand how a parent and grandparent can be this way. Reminders that this isn't new for her don't really help, not when he'd held out hope of more. But. He has answers now, for what they're worth.

My takeaway remains unchanged: she's completely disinterested in anything or anyone outside playing victim. We all see her now, exactly who she is. She's not seen her son and his family in over 10 years and she can't budge from that sad pathetic position.

I really thought she'd at least try to hold on to that last pretend relationship with her children. I wonder if it's occurred she's burned even that bridge now.

[Cat of the Canals]

Do you think she's trying to make some sort of power play with all of this?

When we were about to move out of state, we naturally went out of our way to see our families before we left. Both PDmom and PDmil were totally weird about it. All I hear from PDmom is how she wishes I visited more, but when I tried to arrange a final visit, she was like, "Oh we just bought tickets for a concert that day. We're going to see BLAHBLAHBLAH." She seemed totally unconcerned and didn't even suggest an alternate date. Likewise, PDmil (who would show up at our house whenever she wanted) was explicitly invited to come (for once) and then just didn't show up. No phone call. Nothing.

It was like they had to let us know how little we mean to them. That they still wield all the power in the relationship.

[moglow]

To Recap:
Md hasn't seen her youngest or any of his family in over 10yrs, they live several states away [10+hr drive over for them]. They ALL visit for a week, tell her months in advance when and where they will be, then are well within two hours of her and she can't find a way to see them. His suggestions of visits are shot down and minimized until she said she'd like to see "just him" but they never made actual plans. Apparently he was expected anyway [back to that unspoken expectation thing we're all familiar with]. He was supposed to take the car and go see her, leaving them stranded and him alone on the travel back and forth a chunk of the day during their family vacation.

***

Middle brother #2 is already messaging me today that "they" screwed up royally. REALLY? Really. She wasn't interested, wanted no part of it. That was clear as the nose on your face or she'd have done anything to make it happen, up to and including rescheduling her fake appts. She couldnt bring herself to meet them half way. He even offered to go get her so she could spend the night with them. Right.

Guess next we'll get reports that she was in the ER and didn't want us to know or shes there now from the stress of it all ... Too late now, they're GONE. No ER drama for you ma'am.

Actions. Consequences. They are things.

[moglow]

Do you think she's trying to make some sort of power play with all of this?

Yes, of a sort. Honestly, I thought she was trying to pull a divide and conquer, get him away from everyone else and feed him some massive sob story where we're all out to get a poor old woman, pull some manipulative bs where we're clearly in the wrong for ... something.  Never mind that two of us don't see or talk to her anymore, at her instigation. Bro #1 said he figured she'd show up and spew awkward all over everybody and we'd just play nice until she left. Or some drama. We went on with what they wanted to do and didnt hang about waiting.  They're on vacay, not a timeclock.

THIS? A parent absolutely not interested in her son or family after all these years? Yes, I'm pretty surprised in spite of all her crap. Was nowhere on my bingo card, and I'm having a bit of trouble grasping it today.

[TimetoHeal]

moglow,

I think it's all about control.  It's almost like it doesn't really matter what the OUTCOME is to them, just that they are pulling the strings and making everyone miserable.  She could't get your brother to come alone without his family, so she responded by not seeing him at all.  Very sad.   

[moglow]

Yep, control. She went complete radio silence once he told her his vacation was wonderful, and specifically mentioned spending time with me and older brother that day. Her only response to that was "Good." I'm sure in that little mind it translates somehow into me turning him against her, because you know I control all. SURELY it can't be him coming to that conclusion all by himself, that she's shown us all who she really is!! SOMEONE ELSE must be to blame 

Catching up on missed sleep has helped clear my mind. We've been through this shizz with her in the past, where she rewrites history and makes a dumptruck of assumptions about someone's supposed motives. No self reflection or apology on her part, she just convinces herself that "someone must have said something or told a bunch of lies" - never any recollection of her part in any interaction.

Then I remind myself, this is a grown woman who remains eternally a child. I suspect her family could have predicted any or all of this, saw it all their lives too.

[Cat of the Canals]

If she's like my MIL, she'll rewrite this whole thing to be, "The time my son visited town and didn't even come see me."

[moglow]

Oh yeah - I'm sure she's already painting that one to her liking! She had a pretty small audience on the best of days and just shrunk it even further. This time she didn't follow through and provide opportunity to play divide and conquer [which is what I expected to happen] - if anything she pushed three of us closer together. I kinda like that. 

[moglow]

Hi. Welcome to the next installment of: You can't make this shit up...

Md has now decided to text my youngest brother. By way of her thinking he "made it clear" that he wanted to spend his trip (you know, the trip HERE with his family, specifically to see HER?) with his grandbaby. And she hopes all is well.

Um he's been back to his home almost a month already... But yeah. He wanted her to meet and admire his grandchild, her only greatgrand. He wanted to bring them all together, that family gathering she sneered at. Her text? Rug sweeping blame shifting bs.

He doesn't see this but it's so typically md - wait until it's obv too late to do anything positive about the situation, then pick a fight so she'll feel all justified.

It hasn't likely sunk in with her that was her one remaining chance to reach out to her son and she failed. He offered options, she shot them down one after the other, even knowing he had limited time here. She couldn't unclench long enough to give it a chance.

I told him, come up with a stock consistent response and stick with it. Be brief be positive and be gone. Trying to actually communicate with her is like harnessing smoke with a butterfly net.

It's telling though - through all of this fracas md's not reached out once to either me or older brother. My guess is, she knows neither of us would tell her what she wants to hear. She may actually realize she went too far with more than just one of her children, that there's no going back.

It's a wonder any of us can function in the world.

[Cat of the Canals]

Utterly predictable. And I think it shows how, despite the facade, they do feel something. She must be stewing in something like regret, but taking responsibility for her part in it (like pretty much ALL OF IT) is out of the question, obviously.

There are times like this when you realize just how pitiful they are. What a way to choose to live. 

[moglow]

Yes, Cat, pretty much all of that. I think there's some sense of regret on some level, but I also believe she's hard rewriting history right now.

All this time he'd heard about the incidents with her third-hand, now experiencing it head on. It's hard. He was the one remaining child she'd been able to bamboozle, now the Emperor/empress has no clothes. Nowhere to hide and no reasonable explanation anywhere. So she has to drag someone down so she can step on them... Pretty fucking sad.