I don't want to play the game anymore

Started by ItWillBeOK, August 01, 2022, 02:36:14 AM

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ItWillBeOK

Long time lurker here. So thankful for how reading the posts here have helped me.

I'm so tired of playing my mom's game. I don't want to play. I want to opt out. I never signed up for this. When she is involved in anything, you must be constantly on guard and thinking three steps ahead to avoid the booby traps she's set. It's been like this since I was a child. Anticipate the things that will make her mad. Do things that will placate her. Hope that something you didn't know was a thing to avoid doesn't trigger her anger.

I'm done. I just want to live my own life. I'm middle age, and only just in the past couple years have I slowly begun to fully realize how unhealthy it all is. I have worked so hard to undo the enmeshment. I've built my own life while being careful not to make her feel left out or offended. Just when I feel I am making progress with my own life, she has an episode and I feel like a helpless high schooler again who can't escape her control on my life.

I honestly don't want anything to do with her anymore. The straw that broke the camels back was many, many straws ago. Although I have slowly removed her access to most of the things that mean the most to me, so she can't sabotage them like she tends to do, there is one thing I can't remove from her. She is my dear cousin's guardian.  She raised this cousin from a young age and cousin is subject to all mom's moods and control. I know that if I make the wrong move, mom will find a way to cut off my relationship/contact with my cousin as long as cousin lives in her house and is basically completely under her control.

I try to walk the tightrope, balancing between reclaiming (or claiming for the first time I should say), my independence from enmeshment, control, and FOG, while not shoving it in her face making her retaliate by splitting up me and my cousin (who are close, and I feel our relationship is important for my cousin as she navigates growing up with a unPD guardian like I also experienced.) Will I have to jump through hoops (and hope I get it right to avoid angering her) for the next at least 4 years (as my cousin is going to be a freshman in high school this year and will be living with my mom at least through high school)?

I'm sorry this is so vague. I guess it just turned into a rant. I am nervous even to post this. What if my mom knows this is me, that I am posting about her? How vague can you get - I'm sure I'm not the only daughter of an unPD mother who is raising her niece. But she has trained me well, never, ever, let her catch you speaking ill of her to anyone. Even a neutral comment that you didn't intend offensively. Ugghh. I'm just so tired.

The fact is, the last two years life has improved exponentially as my eyes opened to all of this and I slowly made steps to protect myself. But I just want to be done fighting and finally free of these mind games.

Leonor

Hi Itwillbeok,

It will.

I'm going to share something that might sound harsh at first. But in the end, it will be healing for you and your cousin.

So many of us have lived through these fraught relationships and stay tangled up in them for the sake of a younger relative. We agonize over what will happen to them if we leave and the disordered adult, we worry, will have total control over them. We torment ourselves with survivors guilt over freeing ourselves while a sibling or cousin remains in the dysfunctional home. We think if we can't control the disordered adult, we can at least control the direction of the abuse. We place ourselves in harm's way because we try to protect the younger ones, we absorb, as it were, the blows and cruelty, hoping the abusing adult will somehow exhaust themselves on us and be too damn tired to abuse anyone else, at least for a while.

And so we wind up twisting ourselves into knots like in the movies where the thief has to avoid those laser beams to get to the big diamond, holding our breath, stepping ever so gingerly, just trying to find that perfect balance between deflecting and absorbing abuse, and getting zapped time and again anyway.

As you can feel, it's not working. You're in pain. Your soul is aching to be free. Your heart longs to heal. Not because you don't care or because you haven't found the right way or haven't toughened up enough or held your boundaries or loved your cousin enough. But because you cannot control your mom. Or your cousin. Or their relationship. Or your relationship. You can't save your mom or your cousin. You can't save your cousin. It's devastating, but you can't.

The only person you can save is you. You can either stick around and get abused and teach your cousin that the best way to deal with mom is letting her beat you up, or you can free yourself and live your life in healing and love, and model for your cousin what a healthy, happy adult looks like.

You don't have to cut off your cousin. Let her know where you'll be, give her your contact info, reach out every once in a while to say hello, ask about her life, be a good and strong resource. Not a punching bag for her guardian.

I know, it sucks. It does. It will trigger all your old abandonment issues: you're abandoning your mom to her mental illness. You're abandoning your cousin to your mom's abuse. Your mom is abandoning you in retaliation for your boundaries. Your cousin abandons you to bond with your mom.

But you're not deserting your cousin. You're scouting for you both, walking ahead and exploring better ways to be, holding your lamp high to serve as a beacon for her to follow, or not, when she's ready.







NarcKiddo

 :yeahthat:

I have nothing to add to that wise advice.

Hugs to you.
Don't let the narcs get you down!

Iris1022

I'm so sorry you are in this position and I completely understand. What you wrote could have been about my life with my mother - always trying to stay a few steps ahead of her and walking on eggshells constantly. I was also hesitant to post here for fear of getting caught. Some of the most intense rages I remember from my mother came after she caught me telling others about what I was going through with her. You are so right - we are trained to keep quiet about their bull sh*t. I'm glad you now see it for what it is - abuse. You deserve to live a peaceful, fulfilled life. I agree with what Leonor said. The best thing you can do for your cousin is escape and model what it is like to cut the cord and live a healthy life. Survivor's guilt is real but the best thing to do is get yourself out first and remain in touch with your cousin so that you can lend her a supportive hand and hopefully get her out of the situation in a few years, when she is an adult. It's kind of like the rule of thumb for drowning or being in an airplane emergency - get yourself to safety first so you can then adequately help those who need assistance.

Wishing you all the strength and peace as you navigate through this tough situation. As they often say, "once you are aware, you are halfway there." You've got this.

pianissimo

Thanks for this post. It makes me realize my relationship with my father feels like playing a game too. I always feel like watching my back. I have been reaching out to relatives recently. Now, I'm realizing this is his territory. He encourages me to get in touch with them, and I like the connection with people from my childhood, but it feels walking into a trap. But, most of the time, I have to push these feelings back of my mind to be able to reconnect with relatives. So, I end up wondering if I'm paranoid. Because, I wonder to what degree my father is involved in these spontaneous looking interactions. After talking to relatives, I fear they will share some of the things I tell them with my father when he asks them. I think the gut feeling is all there. But, I'm doing this anyways, because I really need support. Plus, I might be able to change the dynamic, or, perhaps, see through what is going on a little better. But, I'm also scared I might get hurt. Also, I'm afraid the whole experience might bring the worst out of me.

In relation to your cousin: I had a cousin around growing up, and having her around from time to time helped me a lot. I didn't know that at the time, I just loved her so much. I don't think she did anything extra, she was only herself. So, I think your cousin would appreciate you for who you are anyways. Having a normal person around makes a difference on its own.

easterncappy

You're right. It feels like 4D chess and full-on psychological warfare. When I moved out with my husband (also from a dysfunctional family) and started to disconnect from my parents, I realized how easy it was to just... talk to people. Turns out, with people who aren't PD and haven't normalized all sorts of abusive, manipulative behavior, you can just tell them plainly what you expect, how you feel, etc. without it turning into a Situation™. Not saying it's all perfect, but it makes a lot more sense. You might have the occasional argument or misunderstanding but it's extremely normal when it does happen.

Then I'd go back to my mom and dad's house or want to ask them a question or tell them something that's going on, and I had to bust out the whiteboard and do like PhD level abstract algebra to figure out how to make it through the conversation without triggering a Situation™... and somehow, despite me formulating what I thought was the perfect way to interact with them, it was still always wrong. Eventually, I stopped trying. Okay, you're going to make me feel terrible every time we interact... so we just won't call as often and I'll visit less and less. Cool, works for me.

Anyway, unless something outright illegal is happening, you don't really have many ways around the situation with a minor you want to protect from PD relatives. Even then, the child can be groomed into acting like everything is okay and something like calling CPS can backfire entirely (if it ever comes to that please think it through very well). Unfortunately, you're just going to have to step back. It sucks because there are some people from my childhood I'd like to keep around too, but they're all flying monkeys and I can't trust them. I say one thing to a cousin and my mom knows the next day, even if it's not newsworthy or particularly interesting. There's no telling if your cousin is going to play into the dynamic or break away... and you can't convince them to do either, it has to be a choice they make.

ItWillBeOK

Thank you all so much for your responses. You all seem to understand and describe this situation so well; I'm sorry you've gone through such similar situations too.

Quote from: Leonor on August 01, 2022, 04:32:16 AM
As you can feel, it's not working. You're in pain. Your soul is aching to be free. Your heart longs to heal. Not because you don't care or because you haven't found the right way or haven't toughened up enough or held your boundaries or loved your cousin enough. But because you cannot control your mom. Or your cousin. Or their relationship. Or your relationship. You can't save your mom or your cousin. You can't save your cousin. It's devastating, but you can't.

This is a hard thing to come to terms with. I think back on my whole life the different ways I thought that if I just did XYZ it wouldn't just make things better for me, but would make life better for my siblings too. If I just do this, mom won't be so stressed and tired, so she won't have to get so mad at us. I have to really actively check myself for if the decisions I make these days still fall into that way of thinking now as I try to be there for my cousin.

It was only last year that I moved out of my mom's home after having moved back in with her during a personal financial crisis. I had the hardest time leaving when I was able, exactly because all the abandonment guilt you mentioned. And it took seeing advice like yours online, and from my therapist at the time, to realize living at home as a middle age woman and constantly butting heads with my mom wasn't doing any favors for my cousin and was certainly denying myself what could be of my life.

There have been a lot of steps along the way after I've moved out where I realize ways I'm still entangled. And it hurts every time because I thought I was pretty much there, pretty much independent. It is tough because I really don't believe the answer in my case is to just go NC.

I have very slowly detached from the things that give my mom control over me. Last week I wrapped things up on the final family plan account we both had access to. I was already planning to get out of it, but right before I did she crossed a boundary in a major way that felt extremely violating - and she had the audacity to pass it off as she was doing me a big favor. I just bit my tongue. I believe she wanted to make me cry or yell at her. I just acted nonchalant although I know my face was turning bright red with anger and vulnerability. These are the kinds of things I can't deal with anymore. But if that was the last shared account, I hope there is nothing left she can mess with.

I don't live with her, we don't share any accounts, we no longer share any social connections/groups, and she doesn't have a key to my place thank goodness. So I am safe now.

Quote from: Leonor on August 01, 2022, 04:32:16 AM
The only person you can save is you. You can either stick around and get abused and teach your cousin that the best way to deal with mom is letting her beat you up, or you can free yourself and live your life in healing and love, and model for your cousin what a healthy, happy adult looks like.

This is really helpful to keep in mind when I'm making decisions. If I do something to "play nice" with my mom when making plans with my cousin - or just in a way that keeps her from wanting to punish me by revoking access to my cousin - is it a choice to allow her to emotionally beat me up? If so, I'm setting a bad example for my cousin.

I think that agreeing to occasional social visits with my mom and cousin together isn't letting my mom beat me up. The alternative would be always declining my mom's invites but still trying to spend time with my cousin 1 on 1 - which would trigger my mom's insane jealousy - "what you like your cousin more than me?!" I can hear it now.

But if I allow myself to be guilted into accepting a last minute invitation, or an invitation that cuts into the social life I'm trying to build, or that takes me over the edge on a bad emotional day, then that is allowing myself to get beat up, so a bad example.

If I have a medium chill/gray rock kind of visit - where I talk about tv shows and gardening and any other safe non-emotional topic and leave when I am at my limit - that seems ok. But if I visit and get sucked into heated conversations about politics or religion or people mom doesn't like or my personal life or plans, then I am allowing myself to get beat up.

If I allow my mom to FOG me into giving her a spare key "in case I have a medical emergency," that's allowing myself to get beat up. And giving my cousin a spare key once she gets her drivers license one day, is also something I can't do. Even though I'd love to tell her crash here any time even if I'm out, to give her an escape, I can't be sure my mom wouldn't have cousin let her into my house. My mom is a big snoop/violator of privacy of stuff/space. I must hold my ground on that and not feel guilty.

So I guess for now I will still occasionally accept invitations for short social visits with my mom, but that's it. And I won't be FOGed into giving her access or info into anything in my life. I will play nice (instead of going NC with a "goodbye & **** you, Mom"message) for the sake of my cousin for now. But only as long as I can keep myself emotionally safe.

If I find myself feeling stressed and like I'm only doing something because mom would explode otherwise, I need to take a step back and think about the example I'm setting for my cousin, and the pain I'm putting myself through when I'm an adult and safe now and have the power to say NO.

Whew, that was long. Thanks for letting me think through/process all of this out loud!



ItWillBeOK

Quote from: Iris1022 on August 01, 2022, 12:06:44 PM
I was also hesitant to post here for fear of getting caught. Some of the most intense rages I remember from my mother came after she caught me telling others about what I was going through with her.
Oh my gosh - I know these rages! So sorry you knew them too.

There were only ever 2 in my life. But that's all it ever took. One when I was in kindergarten in an extra curricular class and made a comment about my mom the teacher thought was cute but my mom thought was insulting. She went off on my about after all I've sacrificed for you blah, blah, blah  :stars: I was like literally 5 or 6!

The other time I was a teen or pre-teen and someone related something I didn't even say - once again in a "oh isn't that funny/cute" way. And my mom went ballistic yet again.

I never, ever said a negative thing about her to a soul, not even to my siblings who were living through her rages with me on a daily basis, not even to my diary  :'( She trained me so well and it only took 2 incidents. (actually it only took the first one, I guess the second was just her insurance to be sure I remembered "the rules"). When I first talked to a therapist about my mom as an adult I was terrified and tried to paint her in the best light possible still for several sessions.

Quote from: Iris1022 on August 01, 2022, 12:06:44 PM
Wishing you all the strength and peace as you navigate through this tough situation. As they often say, "once you are aware, you are halfway there." You've got this.

Thank you for this encouragement!!! It can get so discouraging when it is two steps forward, one step back. I have to consciously remind myself to stop and look at my progress. A year ago I was living with her. All my social groups were ones she also belonged to. I barely ever left the home for fear she might mess with my stuff or "accidentally" let my cat out when it wasn't safe to.

Now I rent a place of my own. I can come and go whenever I want to without worry. And I only engage with her when I choose to. There are still battles to be fought but things are certainly moving in the right direction.

ItWillBeOK

Quote from: pianissimo on August 01, 2022, 01:00:20 PM
Thanks for this post. It makes me realize my relationship with my father feels like playing a game too. I always feel like watching my back. I have been reaching out to relatives recently. Now, I'm realizing this is his territory. He encourages me to get in touch with them, and I like the connection with people from my childhood, but it feels walking into a trap. But, most of the time, I have to push these feelings back of my mind to be able to reconnect with relatives. So, I end up wondering if I'm paranoid. Because, I wonder to what degree my father is involved in these spontaneous looking interactions. After talking to relatives, I fear they will share some of the things I tell them with my father when he asks them. I think the gut feeling is all there. But, I'm doing this anyways, because I really need support. Plus, I might be able to change the dynamic, or, perhaps, see through what is going on a little better. But, I'm also scared I might get hurt. Also, I'm afraid the whole experience might bring the worst out of me.

So sorry to hear this. I can relate. At this point I have extremely minimal contact with any extended family. I only keep in touch with my siblings and cousin. Everything with her extended family is so tangled up in her drama, she has always told me all her opinions and interactions with them that may or may not be true. I just feel like any attempt to connect with them will bite me, which is really sad because most of them are probably really nice. I hope you are able to find what works for you and not get hurt by your father.

Quote from: pianissimo on August 01, 2022, 01:00:20 PM
In relation to your cousin: I had a cousin around growing up, and having her around from time to time helped me a lot. I didn't know that at the time, I just loved her so much. I don't think she did anything extra, she was only herself. So, I think your cousin would appreciate you for who you are anyways. Having a normal person around makes a difference on its own.

This means so much to hear. I'm so glad you had this cousin there for you!! I will try to keep in mind that just by being a (fairly) healthy adult in her family that doesn't flip out on her and enjoys being around her, I'm adding something to cousins life.

ItWillBeOK

#9
Quote from: easterncappy on August 02, 2022, 09:37:43 AM
Then I'd go back to my mom and dad's house or want to ask them a question or tell them something that's going on, and I had to bust out the whiteboard and do like PhD level abstract algebra to figure out how to make it through the conversation without triggering a Situation™...
This is so sad, but it also made me laugh because it's so accurate - what a great way to describe it. (And maybe that's why I can never win with my mom, I was always awful at algebra  :tongue2:

Quote from: easterncappy on August 02, 2022, 09:37:43 AM
Anyway, unless something outright illegal is happening, you don't really have many ways around the situation with a minor you want to protect from PD relatives. Even then, the child can be groomed into acting like everything is okay and something like calling CPS can backfire entirely (if it ever comes to that please think it through very well).
Yeah, there is nothing to report. It's an awful environment for a kid to live in, but there's nothing illegal. She's pretty much stuck until she moves out as an adult. I just hope when that time comes she's empowered to launch instead of orbiting and returning home more than once like I did :|

Quote from: easterncappy on August 02, 2022, 09:37:43 AM
Unfortunately, you're just going to have to step back. It sucks because there are some people from my childhood I'd like to keep around too, but they're all flying monkeys and I can't trust them. I say one thing to a cousin and my mom knows the next day, even if it's not newsworthy or particularly interesting. There's no telling if your cousin is going to play into the dynamic or break away... and you can't convince them to do either, it has to be a choice they make.

Yeah, I've realized this - anything I say I to cousin, I need to be ok with getting back to my mom. Cousin is really cool and way smarter about things than I was at her age. In some ways she has caught on to my mom. But she's living in the cognitive dissonance of seeing mom behave poorly, but telling herself mom is a good and trustworthy person with good reasons for her behavior. Cousin isn't a tattle tale type, but if you know something my mom will get it out of you before you even realize it. When I was younger I provided plenty of data points to my mom about my siblings without even realizing what was going on, and certainly not trying to betray their privacy or trust. It's all such a mess when you are enmeshed!

rothjr3

Your post spoke to me because I grew up on eggshells with my mom. I was always on guard and was terrified to make her angry. I never knew what she wanted from me. I know I didn't love her enough or the way she wanted to be loved. I know that she gets upset when I make friends or get attention from someone else. She feels left out and it is my fault. It's sad that we have parents that make us feel this way as it follows us throughout our lives. It is a work in progress to undo the crossed wires. Thank you for posting your truth because it gave me courage to post mine and to not feel as alone.

TimetoHeal

Hi, itwillbeokay,

Oh, my goodness, are writing about my life?  I am middle aged as well (just turned 50 this year) and your relationship with your mom sounds SO much like mine.  I've been very enmeshed with her as well, including financially, following my divorce from uNexH.  I've been slowly building myself back up over the last several years, and every independent success makes her more and more insecure and hateful toward me.  Like you, I just want it to stop.  Enough is enough already.   

I don't have any advice about your cousin.  That would be a very sticky situation for sure. But I can definitely empathize with the relationship with your mother and being a little "late to the game", if you will, to figuring things out and getting separation.