So now she wants to come home

[Lilyloo]

A simple phone call to mother became a dump on lilyoo   yesterday.  I called only to check in and see how things were after stepdads passing. Here's how it goes.....

"oh I'm not staying here forever"  and "the social worker and NH manager are meeting with me about staying or going home".  I said but you fell already at home!  "I could fall anywhere"  was her reply. and "I want to go home" 

She fell in the middle of the night. She got up opened her outside door to let cat in and fell breaking her kneecap. Shes been over 2 months in the hospital and NH.  Shes receiving therapy.  Stepdad was there too. Seems now that's hes passed she wants out. He couldn't even talk and slept all the time or yelled all the time.  She rarely saw him. She even said she couldn't stand his yelling. It seem shes using his passing as her excuse to leave.

I calmly said. "mom I am pushing 70 and cant do it"  I said it because after hearing her tell everyone at stepdads viewing that " the kids cant take me"  I know what shes up to!  The manipulation has begun.  My scapegoat role is now hearing all of this brand new news that suddenly she wants to go home.  She has not said it to either of my brothers. 

Stepdads social security will decrease. I'm, not sure how that works, I'm going to read up on it. Also his veterans pension stops I think??  So how will she pay rent and utilities??  Does she think her kids will pay!   

She said "they will take everything I have" !!   meaning the NH.   She has nothing. She has never saved a dime! 

So manipulate lilyloo and once again the pity party begins.  I'm praying the staff shes meeting with says she has to stay! My brothers are sick of it all, as am I.  This is a woman who has never cared about us, our life issues. 

So come home, and you're on your own.  Groceries I can do, a bit of cleaning but how ya gonna get to those many Dr appointments you are obsessed with??  As of now the NH takes her to the appointments.  She told us she liked it there, we had heard only positive from her.  Ohh boy, its changed!!

Freakin MESS and like brother says "we have a life too" 

[NarcKiddo]

I think you need to be firm and state your boundaries now. And why promise her grocery shopping or cleaning? You haven't had to do that for her while she is in the NH - why would you want to go back to that?

In your position I would tell her she can do what she likes but needs to be sure she is able to look after herself because you can't. And if she gives up the NH, where she is looked after, that is on her. I don't know if the NH staff are in a position to say she has to stay, but they may be able to put some pressure on her. Especially if you take the opportunity to tell them she is talking about going home and make it clear to them you do not support the idea and are unable to provide practical help if she makes the move.

Good luck and stay strong!

[Sneezy]

She can say she is coming home all she wants, but how exactly will she move home?  This is where you drop the rope.  If you and your siblings don't do anything to facilitate a move back to her home, it is very unlikely to happen.

For years now, my mom has been saying that she is going to move out of senior living.  First, it was back to the city where she used to live.  Lately, it's been that she is going to move to a regular apartment (with no services or meals).  I used to argue with her and I think she enjoyed the arguments.  Nowadays, I just tell her that she is an adult and can do whatever she wants to do and be sure to send me your new address so I can update my Christmas card list.  I make it clear, by not engaging, that I am not helping her move, not coming over to set up her internet or TV, not driving her all over town, etc.  And she still says she is moving, but we know that isn't really going to happen.

[lkdrymom]

Sneezy is right.  She can decide what she wants to do, but you will not be a part of it.   I just posted on another forum about why so many people seem to find setting boundaries impossible.  Don't rush to her aid or solve her problems for her. I felt like I always had to solve my father's problems but then I realized he LIKED having them because it gave him something to think about.  If I solved one, he'd have another the next day.  Let her live her life with as little interaction from you as possible.  I did my father's grocery shopping every other week.  For that two-hour period, he would try and break every boundary I had set up. You have to stay strong and repeat to yourself....I agreed to do X and X is all I will do.

[moglow]

Let her live her life with as little interaction from you as possible.

That. Just because she calls with a sob story today doesn't mean she'll actually want to do something about it tomorrow OR that she won't deny it all the next day. That she's not mentioned it to your brothers either? Sounds like she's testing the waters. Don't offer suggestions or explain why you're not available, change the subject and carry on. YOU are not an option.

Sounds like her moving "home" isn't an option - There's no one trained or able to care for her there and you aren't able to care for her in your home either. If she decides to leave the NH, getting back into one may be a challenge, many have waitlists.

[Lilyloo]

Not sure what to say here.  I had no idea picking up a few groceries  was wrong.  Its not in me to be that cruel.

Her car will be taken from her.  My brother is removing it. 

I hadn't planned on caretaking  and set that boundary.   

[NarcKiddo]

Not sure what to say here.  I had no idea picking up a few groceries  was wrong.  Its not in me to be that cruel.

Her car will be taken from her.  My brother is removing it. 

I hadn't planned on caretaking  and set that boundary.   

Picking up groceries is not wrong and I am sorry if I gave that impression in my response to you. My feeling, though, is that it could be the thin end of the wedge. If you promise such help in advance of her moving out of the NH (if indeed her suggestion is something she would follow through on, which she might not) then she may feel she "has that in the bag". So what, next, will she expect of you?

Clearly you have to do what feels right and proper to you - but I would urge caution and consideration before making any promises to her. It may be that you were just thinking out loud and have not said anything along these lines to her.

[moglow]

No one said it's wrong or cruel. You get to decide what you can and will do, no one else. Do whatever you feel able and willing to provide, and know that she just may try to move those goalposts for you without discussion. Know that tomorrow it may be a whole other story from her that she's not voiced before.

She can't be moved into your home or you into hers without your consent - decide if you can or will do either. If she needs nursing home 24/7 care, then that's what she needs and that's where she stays. I don't doubt that she won't like it, I know I wouldn't because I'm used to taking care of myself. Flip side is, I'm not willing to place my expectations on other people when I failed to provide for myself.

[lkdrymom]

I think the warning about grocery shopping is that it is a slippery slope.  This week it is grocery shopping, then next week shopping and a little cooking. Next month, shopping, cooking and some housework....oh and maybe a trip to the pharmacy or doctor.   As I stated before, decide what you are willing to do and ONLY do that.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you everyone! I'm a bit overwhelmed with all that's going on.  Funerals leave me stressed for days. It didn't help that mother dear made sure everyone knew that her kids weren't taking her in.  The pulling up her pants to show her broken knee   Dang, just been to much!

She always dumps on me. If I tell my brothers things shes said they say she doesn't say those things to them. Scapegoat, caretaker, dutiful daughter, and only an extension of her, these things have messed me up.  I think I just am going in circles now because everything's happened so fast!   I want it to STOP! 

I didn't tell her on the phone the other day that I'd get groceries. Its true that I should make no promises as that allows her to leave the NH.  The groceries were something in my mind that I could do. It felt like it got me off the hook and she couldn't tell people I do nothing for her.  Shes told the whole town her daughter does nothing.  The smear campaign! 

I shocked myself when I told her I am pushing 70 and I cant take her in.  In truth I owe this woman nothing!  If I had problems she often told me "to grow up" or "you're to sensitive"  Her cruel remarks my whole life left me with no self esteem at all. I felt shame, guilt, totally unloved.  When dad died at our home, age 44 massive heart attack, I realize now that the caretaker role kicked in. Take care of your mom my voice said, shes sad, she needs you, your brothers need you. You must clean the house, feed the boys, what can you do to make it better?  and it never stopped. At age 14 it just seemed to cement into my brain.

i fear she will live forever.  87 and still controlling things.   She makes that stupid decision to come home, then she WILL get a caretaker, and its not going to be me!   She says shes meeting with the head of the NH and a social worker.

Thank you! 

[olivegirl]

The smear campaign hurts. 

But I believe most people see it as a manipulative attempt for your mother to get what she wants completely on her terms, without taking your position into consideration.

I overheard my toxic parents scheme that instead of saving for their retirement that they plan to impose themselves on their daughters!  This was 15 years ago.

Regardless of my warning my parents over the years that I was not born to be their savior and slave; 

They still decided they did not want to save money for their retirement. 

My irresponsible parents still insist on clinging to this plan that I will be their 24/7 caregiver and that they will live with me.  They went on a cruise, lavish dinners, trips. 

I too have had sleepless nights.  Finally I decided to go No Contact.  They are in their 70s and I'm certain smearing me.  But at this point I'd rather be smeared than appease my demanding, entitled parents!

[Lilyloo]

Olivegirl,  how awful that your parents do that.  I admire you for going no contact. We don't owe them anything!!  I like that you say you'd rather be smeared than deal with them.  I need to totally stop caring what anyone thinks of me. 
I realized that my mother doesn't even care if I call her. She never says Hi or asks anything. She just whines and talks about herself. Poor pitiful mother.  And to think I sat and felt obligated to call her.  She's selfish!  Thank you for your great reply!   

[Lilyloo]

Brother wants to have a type of intervention. Mother is even being difficult with the head of the NH.  She is using every excuse she can to not stay at the NH. Her medicaid was approved so shes good to stay . I'm not sure about this intervention. Mother says a neighbor will sit with her at home.  She barely knows this neighbor. I want this to stop.  It is wearing me down.  Brother thinks get everyone together even grandchildren and explain things but I know my mother.  Anytime she was confronted all heck broke loose.  We thought this was all solved.  She will accuse us of not taking her in and I just don't know if I can cope. When does it stop!

[Sneezy]

Brother thinks get everyone together even grandchildren and explain things but I know my mother.  Anytime she was confronted all heck broke loose.

No matter how many people your brother gets together and no matter how good all your arguments and explanations are, you will not overcome the depth of your mother's personality disorder.  She will not change. Maybe, just maybe, if she was quite a bit younger, you just might be able to persuade her to attempt counseling, but even that would be a long shot. Unfortunately, at your mother's age, she is who she is.

If your brother wants to give an intervention a try, well then bless his heart as we say where I live. But you do not have to attend, and I certainly wouldn't recommend dragging grandchildren into it. Let your brother do what he feels the need to do, but tell him that you just aren't up to it, and for the sake of your own mental health you are going to sit this one out.

[Lilyloo]

Thank's Sneezy!   I told him this morning NO grandchildren.!! It really upset me he'd want to do that. Why do that to them.


  I don't think I will go and I suspect he won't even go through with it.

I doubt even counseling  at a young age would have helped her.  Maybe but we will never know

[Cat of the Canals]

I totally agree with Sneezy. I suspect your mother is expecting you and your brother to jump to attention and start arranging this move out of the NH. The thing is, if she's so independent that she can live on her own, then she can move herself back home. If she's so capable, she can arrange for the grocery deliveries and the rides to the doctor's appointments, etc., etc., etc. If you drop the rope and make it clear that you aren't going to play caretaker/chauffer/personal shopper, I bet she'll be a lot less keen on leaving the NH.

That being said, none of this requires an "intervention." I'm sure your brother means well, but he's coming from the misguided assumption that your mother will hear all the very good reasons for her to stay in the NH and accept it. I doubt that will happen. Trust your gut. If this intervention feels like something that will blow up in your face, don't go.

[Lilyloo]

So now she's staying at the NH.  One day she's not next day she is. It came down to losing stepdads veterans pension.  She had no rent money.  What person in their late 80s  has to rent and owns nothing.  The answer is one who was very irresponsible with money!!

We are going this week to clear out the rental. She is a hoarder so its  quite a task awaiting us. 

[lkdrymom]

Trust me, she will change her mind a million more times.  Just let it roll off of you.  I was concerned with this...

.  She will accuse us of not taking her in and I just don't know if I can cope. When does it stop!

It won't stop until she gets what she wants or finally realizes no one is paying any attention to her.  So she says you won't take her in...own it and agree that living with you is not going to happen.  What is the worst she can do? Get mad?  As they say, she will either get over it or die mad.  Until you realize there really is no making her happy you will continue to stress this.  Focus on making YOU happy.

[Lilyloo]

When stepdad died recently she lost  his veterans pension. She can't pay rent now on her house. She seems content for now and no I'm not taking her in. She knows it.  There's a few ladies there she's known all her life.  Thank you.  I appreciate having all of you

[Lilyloo]

Had a bit of happy yesterday   My mother had a beautiful cat. When mother fell and wasn't at her house the cat ran off.  Its been at least 2 1/2 months that the cat has been gone. .  My brother put food out but we never saw her at all. We have the rental cleared out now and will not be going back to that house as mother is permanently at the NH. . Suddenly yesterday out of nowhere mothers cat appeared. Skinny , but ok. I cried happy tears.  I had worried so much about the cat.  My brother has the cat now. I wanted her but have 4 inside already.  He and I love animals . Yes there can be stress taking care of them, but a fur baby hug takes some of the sad away and its calming to cuddle them. unconditional love for sure!  Mother is on anti depressants and is very calm and different. I think she likes the attention shes getting at the NH    to each of you