"People have said I shouldn't be living alone" - where on earth?

[p123]

Asked him who "People" were and he's non-specific.....
Hes got this idea in his head now that he shouldn't be living alone because SOMEONE has put the idea in his head.

This is Dad to a T. He does not do illness or old age well.

We had this talk about 6 months ago. He can get around his flat, he can cook for himself, he can dress himself, he can wash himself. he can use the bathroom himself. Granted he can't walk far but he is 88......

My wife used to work as a District Nurse (Visiting Nurse) and she used to tell me about old people who lived alone, were bedridden and didnt see anyone other than carers or nurses for weeks on ends....

Anyone had this before? I'm wondering if its a pre-cursor to "I'll move in with you". Not happening.

[lkdrymom]

My grandmother used to say "THEY said..."  She could never tell me exactly who THEY were. I'd ask and she would say THEY louder and louder.

Next question to dad "So are you moving in with brother or going to an old folks home?"

[p123]

My grandmother used to say "THEY said..."  She could never tell me exactly who THEY were. I'd ask and she would say THEY louder and louder.

Next question to dad "So are you moving in with brother or going to an old folks home?"

ha ha yeh in Dads case it normally means hes thought of it...

I've honestly never seen someone deal so badly with old age as my Dad. Hes CONVINCED that hes the most ill person in the world when in reality his health is great for his age.

[Poison Ivy]

I suggest that you take this hint from your father and start talking about his need for additional care. These are not necessarily easy conversations, but better to start them before an emergency occurs.

[Sneezy]

My grandmother used to say "THEY said..." 

That's exactly what my mom does - all the time!  THEY tell her all kinds of things.  It's always THEY said xyz.  The only people more annoying than THEY are EVERYONE ELSE'S DAUGHTER (as in "everyone else's daughter is taking them out today").

p123 - There is only one answer to this.  If your dad can't live alone for whatever reason, then he needs to get into some sort of senior living.  You certainly don't have the professional skills to care for him - that's your story and you're sticking to it.  For your dad's own sake, you can help him find the best professional care in the best senior home out there (which is obviously not your home).  My guess is that once you start talking about senior living (and once he sees the cost), he is going to drop this latest drama.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm wondering if its a pre-cursor to "I'll move in with you". Not happening.

That's what it sounds like to me. The next time (and every time) this comes up, I'd fire back, "If you're at the point of not being able to live alone, then it's time to start thinking about assisted living." (Or whatever the name for it is in your area.)

If he gets to the point of hinting more directly at moving in with you, a firm "That's not possible." If he asks why, don't JADE. It's not possible. It's not happening. Period.

[moglow]

p123 - There is only one answer to this.  If your dad can't live alone for whatever reason, then he needs to get into some sort of senior living.  You certainly don't have the professional skills to care for him - that's your story and you're sticking to it.  For your dad's own sake, you can help him find the best professional care in the best senior home out there (which is obviously not your home).  My guess is that once you start talking about senior living (and once he sees the cost), he is going to drop this latest drama.

Maybe even make appointments to visit or collect literature from some ... in other towns. Because you know the ones near you are sketchy. They told you they are. 

[p123]

I suggest that you take this hint from your father and start talking about his need for additional care. These are not necessarily easy conversations, but better to start them before an emergency occurs.

Been trying for years to talk some sense into him. Basically he wants it all but doesnt want to pay.

[p123]

My grandmother used to say "THEY said..." 

That's exactly what my mom does - all the time!  THEY tell her all kinds of things.  It's always THEY said xyz.  The only people more annoying than THEY are EVERYONE ELSE'S DAUGHTER (as in "everyone else's daughter is taking them out today").

p123 - There is only one answer to this.  If your dad can't live alone for whatever reason, then he needs to get into some sort of senior living.  You certainly don't have the professional skills to care for him - that's your story and you're sticking to it.  For your dad's own sake, you can help him find the best professional care in the best senior home out there (which is obviously not your home).  My guess is that once you start talking about senior living (and once he sees the cost), he is going to drop this latest drama.

Oh yes he'll be ok once he finds out it costs money!

[p123]

I'm wondering if its a pre-cursor to "I'll move in with you". Not happening.

That's what it sounds like to me. The next time (and every time) this comes up, I'd fire back, "If you're at the point of not being able to live alone, then it's time to start thinking about assisted living." (Or whatever the name for it is in your area.)

If he gets to the point of hinting more directly at moving in with you, a firm "That's not possible." If he asks why, don't JADE. It's not possible. It's not happening. Period.

Never in a million year is he moving in with me!

Hes got no grip on reality or how much things cost to be honest. He thinks £100 is a lot of money......

Anything that costs more than he pays now for living - £200 (because he part owns the place). We're talking £800-£900 for assisted living.... He'd rather crawl along the floor than pay that!

[Cat of the Canals]

Yep, I think Sneezy called it when she said he'll drop it once he finds out the only option is going to cost $$$$.

[square]

I think it's better not to deny your father his feelings, p123.  Ridiculous or not, he feels like he needs help, and not only will you not talk him out of that feeling, your attempts to do so will only solidify them.

Given how he is wired, you saying "no, Dad, you don't need help" will lead to a rise in panic as he feels you don't understand what to him is a clear emergency. He may well move to "prove" to you how much he needs help with some sort of disaster - a fall, a fire, etc. Possibly worse than previous moves as the stakes may be higher for him.

Better to validate what he surely sincerely feels, and offer to help look for assisted living facilities.

Oh, he won't accept that? Well, I know he won't, but it's a better response than "no, Dad, you don't need help."

[Escaped_Goat]

We had this 'the nurse/neighbour said they couldn't believe I'm not living with one of my children' I'd just let it hang. Once a nurse was telling us how she'd been off the day before helping her elderly dad settle in to his care home' his face was a picture. It was funny then and it makes me chuckle now.

[olivegirl]

My uBpd mother is obsessed with pushing the narrative that elderly parents are to live with their children.

She would relay that she informed my aunt that she is set for life because she is living with me!    

I set her straight.  "Not happening mother-ever!"

She replies something like: "We will see about that!" 

And then I'd hang up the phone, fuming at her entitlement.

This went on for years!

Over and over.  The same convo!

Clearly she is trying to wear me down. 

Not gonna work! 

I have been NC for the last few months because I need a break from it. 

[p123]

I think it's better not to deny your father his feelings, p123.  Ridiculous or not, he feels like he needs help, and not only will you not talk him out of that feeling, your attempts to do so will only solidify them.

Given how he is wired, you saying "no, Dad, you don't need help" will lead to a rise in panic as he feels you don't understand what to him is a clear emergency. He may well move to "prove" to you how much he needs help with some sort of disaster - a fall, a fire, etc. Possibly worse than previous moves as the stakes may be higher for him.

Better to validate what he surely sincerely feels, and offer to help look for assisted living facilities.

Oh, he won't accept that? Well, I know he won't, but it's a better response than "no, Dad, you don't need help."

Yeh sort of see what you mean here......

The amount of time I've wasted over the years trying to help Dad and as soon as it costs ANY money thats the end of it.

[p123]

My uBpd mother is obsessed with pushing the narrative that elderly parents are to live with their children.

She would relay that she informed my aunt that she is set for life because she is living with me!    

I set her straight.  "Not happening mother-ever!"

She replies something like: "We will see about that!" 

And then I'd hang up the phone, fuming at her entitlement.

This went on for years!

Over and over.  The same convo!

Clearly she is trying to wear me down. 

Not gonna work! 

I have been NC for the last few months because I need a break from it.

OMG thats just nuts!

[TimetoHeal]

This is Dad to a T. He does not do illness or old age well.

Oh, this is my mother to a "T". 

She does have arthritis and doesn't feel good most of the time, but she can fix meals, dress, shower, do pretty much everything she needs to, but "someone needs to take care of her, because she's about to have a mental breakdown".   

She used to hint constantly about moving in with me.  I think I finally got through to her that that is NOT happening.  So, now she says she will "consider" AL.  But I doubt it seriously.  And if she did, I could see her being miserable there, and then REALLY putting the pressure on me to get her out once she sells her house.  I don't know what's worse...

[TimetoHeal]

..

I've honestly never seen someone deal so badly with old age as my Dad. Hes CONVINCED that hes the most ill person in the world when in reality his health is great for his age.

Ha!  Yep!  Again, my mom to a "T".  People with PD do not take well to losing power, influence, looks, youth, etc.  My mom has friends older and in worse health than her offering to take her places and do things for her.  And she refuses because she just "can't leave the house anymore".   

[Jolie40]

I have friends who are 86 & 91
they get meals on wheels

how about sign dad up for meals on wheels?
it's free if one meets the lower income requirement

the person bringing the meal is required to check in on the recipient
they can't just drop off meal on porch

this could be a "start" of getting him help at home which he "might" want?

[Andeza]

As I recall, his dad canceled it. I could be mistaken though.