Went NC with Spirit Mom

[DaisyGirl77]

Last time I wrote here I was just coming out of the aftermath of losing 3 friends in quick succession, including Spirit Mom (SM).  I've written about her previously here, back when I was still blind to certain behaviors she had.  She was diagnosed bipolar about four years after we'd met & become SM/Daughter of (her) Heart so I was pretty entrenched in her life.  That diagnosis led to her excusing all her unpleasant behaviors on it.  "So sorry I was late; it's the bipolar."  Those excuses.  Then she had two crises less than a year apart & everything got ripped off my face & I finally saw her for what she was:  uBPD masquerading as bipolar, with some NPD sprinkled in of course.  (I've spoken to several therapists who've told me the MO in clinical environments is to treat BPD patients for the symptoms, not the actual personality disorder because insurances won't pay for PD treatment.  This is the USA so keep that in mind.)  The first bipolar psychosis episode resulted in the abrupt end with her handfasted wife.  The second episode I witnessed with the company & support of a mutual friend I'd called for help because SM wasn't acting right.  Immediately after being discharged both times, she claimed she needed to celebrate being "free" from the psych ward, refused to accept no for an answer, & dragged us all off to the casino--her favorite, of course.  & we had to eat at the restaurant she picked out (that we eat at every.  time.  we go).  & we had to do this, & do that.   Take a picture at this spot cuz it's her favorite.  Oh, we can't forget this spot because that's her favorite, too.

There's never been any room for our favorites or trying something new with SM.

SM then got a bee in her bonnet about going to the local aquarium & did it again, refusing to take no for an answer.  Now, I like the aquarium, but there's only so much to see there.  There aren't that many new exhibits, & after going a minimum of twice per year since meeting her, I had basically overdosed on aquarium.  I was aquarium'd out.  So I said no.  "But it's my treat!"  No.  "It'll be my present to you for your birthday/Christmas/New Year/Valentine's Day/St. Patrick's!"  No.  "I NEVER get to see my friends!  EVERY TIME I TRY, you all are 'BUSY'.  Well, I'M busy, TOO!  ...I'm angry, so don't talk to me for 48 hours.  I'm BUSY."  The next day, I sent a group text wishing everyone a happy day of the week it was & got a reply from SM:  "DaisyGirl, please send texts in a separate group text.  I am very busy & cannot be distracted."  (This from the woman who is known for sending 48 texts in 10 minutes when she gets excited & has never once complained about being distracted with anyone's texts.  This was nasty retaliation.)  So I decided I was done.  This was her second & last strike.  I was done with the bipolar nastiness, I was done with the constant monitoring of SM's behavior (per her request) with her new medications, I was done being yelled at with the words she used for maximum hurt, I was done not being heard & my wishes & wants never being accounted for on excursions...  Just done.  Her stuff had taken over my life & I needed to take it back.  A couple months later, her boyfriend broke up with her for similar reasons.  With SM, it's ALWAYS The SM Show, never SM & Friends.  I'm not sure how it is for other bipolar people, but it's how it is with SM.

It's been peaceful since.

But then, another mutual friend of ours broke her foot.  She dropped by one afternoon & left a note stating she was visiting Friend on the coming Saturday & (paraphrased--don't come after me, mods) "I'm grabbing Chinese & we'll play a game & watch a movie maybe.  I know Friend would love to see you.  You don't have to be my friend again for this, but if you want to come I'm offering you the ride."  The very idea of being in a car at first contact for a total of ~40 minutes round trip was nightmarish to me.  I called it being trapped.  My therapist called it "being held hostage."  Neither one of us thought this was a good idea for the same reasons we had individually, so I just never responded.  & I ended up having to have contact with her anyway because Friend called me while she was there needing to know how another person's name was spelled, & then her voice in the background:  "How do you spell your name, Daisy?"  ...In 9 years, she's never once spelled it right.

Then, while talking to another, very wise, friend, I realized I had somehow decided that this NC wasn't going to be permanent.  I'm not sure when the turning point was.  But I'd concluded that I needed to see SM do a lot more healing, mature a bit more (she's very childish), & listen & respect her friends before I re-enter her life.  With new boundaries that I haven't yet decided on.  Maybe next year she'll be better.  But also, I think my NC is needed because who was always around to help her?  Daisy.  Who was always up for an excursion?  Daisy.  Who's the one she says cheers her up a ton just by being around?  Daisy.  Me.  Unbeknownst to me, I was helping her to mask the crumbling facade from her therapists when she started her annual cycle of seasonal depression.  Or depression just 'cause.  & with me out of the picture, her therapists should be able to see The Real SM she's been masking/hiding all this time because Good Ol' Daisy kept her together & afloat.

I guess we'll see what happens.

____________________

I'm not really sure what the point of this is; just that I needed to get this out.

[Amy-Rose]

You don't always need to have a point. The most helpful thing for me on here wasn't actually the advice I got (although it was helpful, supportive and I got strength from it) it was actually the VALIDATION. The fact people gave me "i hear you and I get it" vibe. In narcissistic or troubled relationships, we often feel mistreated, uncared for and unheard. It's like talking to a stone wall sometimes, and what upsets us they seem to do more.

I would just advise you to be strong. These people have a way of getting in our heads so we think more of them than they do us. I had a best friend with bipolar and yes, it takes tolerance, patience and some understanding because people with these illnesses do struggle. However, it's an illness not a constant excuse to treat people however they like. I've just ended a friendship with a friend, that whenever I called her out on bad behaviour, she used last years bereavements as an excuse. I lost people. My parents lost people. Our friend lost her sister to suicide. They didn't use it as an excuse. Some people just are entitled.

Thinking of you x