A day in court

[escapingman]

I am struggling how to put this, but a full day in court is hard work. But I kept to indifference and it is the state to be in.

SW changed her suggestion last minutes, actually minutes before the hearing. My legal team thought I should agree to them and move the hearing and give her another 3 months. I could not see what benefit that would make what so ever so told my team no and we are settling on my terms today.

Into the court room, seeing STBX, I didn't even react. I noticed she tried too look at me, not sure she was still searching for someone to look after her. I felt completely indifferent, it was weird. Judge started and immediately agreed with my stance of settling today. STBX had a lot of accusations and demands being thrown about, all dismissed.

Then negotiating and a very wounded STBX ended up throwing a fit doing a waif in front of her legal team. My legal team struggled to stay straight just wanting to laugh at her. I calmly told them this is what we are dealing with....

Judge ruled custody of DD to me with contact based on her wished and the same to STBX for GC. All other crap STBX had tried for was dismissed. Judge told us if there is no improvement or no contact between me and GC is happening in 3 months please apply for a new order.

Hard to say but I think I won this one even if I didn't get all I wanted.

[square]

I would call that a huge win. Congratulations.

I know you didn't get any custody of GC but that would have been very complicated anyway.

By leaving to her discretion, well, she will not choose to see you (or bare minimum per court order) to keep her mum happy, but should the pressure get to her she knows she can see you. And if things change, maybe a new order.

You did it.

[Poison Ivy]

Thanks for the update, escapingman. I think this result is good for you and DD, and I have much hope that GC eventually will want to and be able to spend time with you.

[SonofThunder]

Congrats EM, both on the solid indifference ability and on the decisions.   I agree with both Poison Ivy and Square. 

This is also imo, a perfect court appointed setup for you and DD to now proactively get on with living and finding joy (as hhaw well stated in your other thread) while continuing all indifference toward any of stbx/GC attempts at drama. 

GC will hopefully be able to recognize your bold moving on, and fully understand your loving, fatherly, open door and open arms to GC, should she decide to come home and join you in the process.

Well done. 

SoT

[hhaw]

You advocated for yourself.

You went against your attorney's(wrong) advice and you resisted pressure to
make
A
deal
and
You
did
what
needed
doing.

YES.

That's how it's done.

I'm so proud of you, EM.

[escapingman]

Thanks for your messages.

It really helped yesterday to just disengage from her distractions and just get on with the actual order. STBX received zero benefit from throwing a waif outburst, was she expecting sympathy (from who?) and get what she wanted in the order? All she got was more people seeing how discorded she is, including both my end her legal teams. Unfortunately I don't think the judge saw this as it was during negotiations outside of the courtroom.

DD was in a very happy mood yesterday evening and this morning, hopefully the perceived threat of having to move in with STBX had taken off a lot of weight from her shoulders. Maybe for GC too?

I suppose only thing is to get on with life and just know that STBX will throw something at me soon and that I need to stay indifferent whatever it is she throws at me. I am also mentally preparing myself for the next court battle which will be about finances, unless we can settle. But how could she refrain from another court case with all it's tempting supply?

[escapingman]

Congratulations, EM! That does sound like a real win. Great job on the indifference ... It's a solid case study on how to act in court.

I know you have had some dark days, fearing she'd take it all. Hopefully this day is a bright spot you can hold on to. I know it's still tough, but small victories.

Thanks BW, I have done an awful lot of work and watched almost every video and read every book about this. It was quite easy to be indifferent on court as I did not even recognise her, I looked at her and wondered to myself "Who are you? What is actually hiding behind your mask?". I really don't know who she really is and I have no interest in finding out as I reckon that is going to be very black and very disturbed.

I am just going to calm down a few days and then start all preparations for the next round. She is on the ropes, that was clear yesterday, she must be so injured that she didn't get that fight she was angling for.

[losingmyself]

Congratulations EM!

[Stillirise]

Congratulations, and Well Done! 

Plus, there's always the chance that now that she saw she couldn't just have things her way in court, she might settle finances too. You know too well, of course, anything is possible from a PD. However, sometimes that cautious optimism can help keep your spirits up for the next round!  Either way, you'll be prepared! Keep up the excellent work!  I'm so glad you and DD are able to exhale for a bit.

[Rose1]

Well done. She may decide the court is not her friend and corrupt and try other methods.
Her favourites haven't worked.

I found that when ex didn't get his way and it was obvious that others didn't appreciate his behaviour he reverted to smearing and blaming me and others for everything wrong in his life.
However since I didn't hear most of it, the whole thing eventually became inconsequential.

But it takes a while to detach emotionally, especially from parental alienation, so well done.

[guitarman]

Well done. You've come a long way.

[SonofThunder]

I am also mentally preparing myself for the next court battle which will be about finances, unless we can settle.

EM,

A very wise person, once gave me a great nugget of truth, aimed at balancing my beliefs and being a father. He said "If you are ABLE to say 'yes', say yes.  If you MUST say 'no', then say no."   It has worked very well in child rearing. 

I will also use the same wisdom in my divorce settlement.  It greatly assists me not only now, in calmly getting on with my life, but will assist greatly in the divorce in finding my balance and forward movement in the settlement process. 

I pass along this wise man's advice to you as well, both in your divorce and in your fatherhood of two young girls.  Eventually also as a friend-dad to two adult girls.  Keep up that great indifference as you calmly get on with living.

SoT

[Lauren17]

This is wonderful news, EM. I'm so pleased for you.
Enjoy this time with DD, rest and care for yourself.
That indifference in the face of your PD is empowering!  Week done. 

[escapingman]

 

I am not sure how to describe this but it's like a big cloud just lifted and suddenly I can look bright to the future. I am not sure how to put it, it's not just the actual court and the order. I think it was the fact that STBX broke down in tears and throw a massive temper tantrum like a 3 year old that I realised, it really isn't my shit anymore. Someone else can look after her, I have had enough of all that. The experience really hit home and I realised I really have lived with a toddler and tried to adjust my behaviour to please this 3 year old. No more, never. Today I started tasks I have been putting to one side for ages, I enjoyed work and had felt positive despite it being a bit of a mare day, there were lots of bitching and complaints, but I could stay indifferent there too and not take it personally. I really feel I am growing, but I know how long journey I have left and I am not dropping my guard. I still have a lot of crap to process with FOO and to maintain VLC for my sanity.

Thanks for all very nice messages.

[SonofThunder]

I am not sure how to describe this but it's like a big cloud just lifted and suddenly I can look bright to the future. I am not sure how to put it, it's not just the actual court and the order. I think it was the fact that STBX broke down in tears and throw a massive temper tantrum like a 3 year old that I realised, it really isn't my shit anymore. Someone else can look after her, I have had enough of all that. The experience really hit home and I realised I really have lived with a toddler and tried to adjust my behaviour to please this 3 year old. No more, never. Today I started tasks I have been putting to one side for ages, I enjoyed work and had felt positive despite it being a bit of a mare day, there were lots of bitching and complaints, but I could stay indifferent there too and not take it personally. I really feel I am growing, but I know how long journey I have left and I am not dropping my guard. I still have a lot of crap to process with FOO and to maintain VLC for my sanity.

Thanks for all very nice messages.

Good stuff EM   

Will be thinking about you and hope the mindset you are currently enjoying, can be focused upon while you maintain that indifference (toward anything that deserves indifference) so you can keep energized and getting on with your life and work. 

Cheers brother!

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

That is great news, EM!  It was about time for you to get a break.  I'm happy for you.

[escapingman]

This is really hard, not sure where to put it but I continue in this thread.

DD is really struggling, her behaviour has completely changed since she saw STBX. The real problem is that the SW and the Judge completely miss the elephant in the room, the abuse. In some weird world they seems to think STBX will just start behaving and all will be good. DD is panicking and don't know what to do and what to feel. STBX, MIL and GC are at the moment running a relentless campaign of getting DD over on their side. I am not sure why professionals are so little educated on PD and PAS, DD will never be accepted and treated well by STBX as long as she is not siding with them against me. This so called experiment by the Judge is deemed to fail, I just have to hope DD is not getting to damaged by their ignorance. I can't even begin to think of what damage GC is getting by living in that environment. I am really angry with the SW and Judge TBH, but I have to play the game following their rules and to stay calm. This morning was a complete disaster with DD forgetting something at home for school and then lost her cool and started calling me and swearing at me and called me names for not jumping in the car and deliver it to her. She was 10 minutes walk from home and had plenty of time to come back and collect it, I am trying to get her to take more responsibility for her own things and not just have me sort everything. I offered to meet halfway and started walking but she just continued towards school and when I eventually got her to stop and come back she was really nasty to me. It gave me loads of flashbacks and triggered so many fight responses in my body, I managed to keep them all under control. I need to talk to her about this, but I can't judge her as this is all her response to stress and the fact her mum is back in her life. She was doing so well before these so called professionals came and messed it up.

[escapingman]

This is going out of hand and I can't cope any longer. DD has been pure evil since she came home from school. She has been using all projections STBX used to do and it is ripping my hearth to pieces, she is telling me I am shouting when I am completely calm and shouting at me that I am traumatising her and that she doesn't trust me. Then she blames me for abusing her the same as her mum has. I just don't know what happened, she has gone from calm an peaceful to a monster in less than 2 weeks. I can't even speak to her as she pretends every word I say is nasty. I can't go through this again, not with her, I am so worried this is not just fleas or whatever it is but that STBX really did damage her. DD also now thinks she has the upper hand and that if I say anything about her behaviour she will tell the social worker I am hurting her.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry this is happening, escapingman. I don't think your DD is permanently damaged. I understand how painful and challenging her behavior right now must be for you, but please try to pull back a bit from your own emotions about the behavior. You could try acknowledging to DD how stressful this time has been and telling her that although you'll always be on her side, you don't want to be her punching bag.

[escapingman]

Poison, this just went worse and worse.... DD ran off an ended up at a friends, her dad drove her back. Then she laid in her bed screaming she wants her mum. I am really struggling to be honest.