Is she going to discard me?

[InTheDragonsDen]

She changed her hair color the day before Christmas. Every morning I ask if she has a program or plan for the day. Christmas morning she said she didn't. I suggested she make a traditional Christmas dinner for the family. She agreed and we were to go get food (she kept on asking me what I wanted. I told her make what ever her family wanted. She pressed me several times as to what I wanted. I said seafood. Then the high drama and over acting started. She turned her phone volume up loud and started texting a few feet away from me. She said her school friend and his wife were coming down today and they would only stay for a few minutes. I didn't buy that one, we went to the store picked up food and alcohol for the evening meal, her friends arrived and sure enough they stayed for hours. Beer consumed and my wife is strutting and flying high with the attention. The man isn't her type but she over acted the whole time. She gave me a huge evil grin and held it for several seconds. Strutting and in control of the day. So day becomes evening, She made a meal for her friends and never told me about it. Bottom line, no food for the family. The seafood she never cooked either she cooked other dishes which she knows I do not eat. She is going out dancing tonight. I told her she could go the first time. She then badgered me constantly asking if it was okay or am I going to "lock her (neck lock)" from going.  Drama drama drama. Each time I told her it was okay if she went. She tried to slap me twice (she doesn't hit hard) but I moved away and then she ran up as I was walking away and gave me a big hug. Yeah, been there done that. Her niece is here and going out with her tonight.
My conclusion she wants me to go and she will keep this up until I go. She said today that she told the family stories about me and they know everything. Not caring. They are not my family.

The two years of covid were perfect. Two years and she was always with me. Once the partying started again everything changed and of course when I put up a boundary for myself. She left for the dance / party and came home once to make sure I was home and then phoned three more times asking if I was at home and then a final attempt to see if I would come out and take videos of her dancing. Of course asking me to take a video was also her way to ensure or at least feel good about that I would not go out and check on her.


Never felt upset that she went out to dance and party. Do not care. What I found difficult was her trying to bait me into a fight in front of her niece. I wasn't perfect but I wasn't bad either.

What I will take from this is that she placed the alcohol and partying more highly than me or her family. She wasn't bothered that there was no meal for her family (she is upset at them as well, but only vents in front of me) on Christmas Day and doubt she had any plans of having a meal for them (this is the way I look at what she says, there is usually a twist or meaning in what she says). Her pushing me to tell me what I wanted for a meal made me suspicious. Her suddenly changing her hair color the day before also was a tip off that something was coming and serves as a reminder. She knew probably days ago that there was music / dancing tonight. The trip to the store yesterday was for her to pick up beer and food for her friends in the afternoon (she said both were for her family in the evening). The good thing is it should reinforce, I hope, my desire to finally leave and get away from this situation. Being alone will be no fun but at least I will not have the daily games, word salad and the drama.
NEW DAY:

Day after Christmas zero attention my way, she is laughing and making plans with her family. She is not discussing anything with me. I am doing my stuff and ok but stressed. Out of the blue she asks if I am okay which tells me this is going to be another long day of her drama.

The feeling is very much like she wants me to go and this feeling is getting stronger and stronger. Do not think she wants me to get into an argument with her. I also notice that when she does interact with me it is in front of her family. Guessing she has set the narrative to her family, all that remains is for me to "walk into her plan". Still can not believe how fast this went downhill.

Tough lesson for me again. Saw the red flags, she cheated, I left, I came back. My bad.

Thanks again for listening.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Forgot to add, her niece and my wife were talking about my wife dancing on top of the stage. She was not a performer just one of the guests. Then she fell and some people (males) came to help her and check out that she was okay. Glad I never went.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Hello -
I read through your post and my first thought was all the attention your post was about "her".  It reminded me of my past self when it was such a challenge to figure out how to live my life without being so impacted by what my exPD was doing.

I'm guessing this is the start of your journey to find yourself? what you want? how you want to live?  I strongly suggest researching how to use the tools, read some posts here, keep expressing yourself to others? or here for now? 

[InTheDragonsDen]

Thanks for replying. Think it is natural to try and understand the relationship which includes her. We have been together for 9 years and in the last 3 years only the last two months have been chaotic. Think they are all different. Perhaps she has triggers which increase the drama / rage? My boundary appears to be one of them. The two years of covid were quiet years. No drama. Always together. No issues. To me looks like the alcohol and attention from going out changes her completely.

[1footouttadefog]

Is sounds to me like you might not have to leave.  She seems to be on the prowl for aa New source. 

Sorry to read this.  The living and manipulation over buying food to prepare for friends.  She needs their attention as her supply also.  Someone important to her was going to be at that dance venue. 

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi 1footouttadefog, thanks for your comment.
I keep watching the various Dr. Ramani videos and I find them very helpful.
Think the setting of boundaries is a good idea and I am trying to think about which one is needed most and I want to give a bit of time before placing the second boundary as she is still upset with the first boundary. Setting protective boundaries for myself is good and it is something I have not done before.
Hope you are having a great Christmas / holiday season.

[escapingman]

ITDD,

If you don't already, I recommend you watch Andrew (narcdaily) https://www.youtube.com/@NARCDAILYYouAreNotAlone

He is a Narc abuse survivor and is posting daily videos, I have been following him for a long time and it is amazing to see the difference in him from his first videos from early 2021 to now, that is healing.

[SonofThunder]

To me looks like the alcohol and attention from going out changes her completely.

Hello DragonsDen,

Do you believe there is any possibility that your sentence above could be backwards?  In other post's you have written of a fairly abrupt change in your wife's outward behaviors.

Therefore could there be a change in your wife's life that is fueling the alcohol and attention (other than your boundaries)?  Im talking about choices she has made and even possible choices made previously when your times were seemingly calm.  Changes in which you may not be aware? 

These friends of hers in which you mention; are they new friends, her/your continuous friends over your 9 years together, new-old friends (friends from her years before you, that she is befriending again?). 

Lastly, before your 9 years together and your dating period, what was her pattern of dating with other men?  Was there much time gap in her dating you and dating the man before you (assuming you were not her first man to date)?

I am of the opinion that PD's have always been PD's, due to emotional underdevelopment in childhood.  Therefore, I am simply a person who has played a role in the lifespan of my PD person.  Therefore the behavior of the PD's in my life has been guided always by their PD needs, PD traits and their preying nature on supply sources.  My PD's alter their behaviors based on their needs, and my reactions to their needs (deep/constant needs and surface/changing needs to feed those deep ones) breed changing behaviors toward me, to either keep me in my supply role or if supply is ended, creatively discard while at the same time, finding new supply. 

I am of the opinion that PD's will have constant supply.  If not, their FOA (fear of abandonment) traits (those deep foundational FOA traits of PD's) rise to their surface in any period where supply is not being provided.  Imo, FOA is intolerable to a PD, therefore a PD will utilize any method possible to ascertain unceasing supply. In my opinion, there is an overlap of one source of supply ending (me) and another source of supply beginning (others/other-things) in order to prevent a supply gap, which would allow FOA to rise to the surface in the gap.   

Also, I believe that discard is many times done in a very creative, covert and manipulative manner in order to maximize gain for the PD (either a return to idealization in the IDD) or both maximize self-gain and maximize hurt to the non, in the PD's steady and full departure from the relationship, if they see behaviors from the non that indicate there will be no repeat of the IDD cycle. Again, I believe that supply must remain for the PD, throughout their timespans and they will make choices accordingly. 

If that were true, then is there a possibility that your wife already has supply elsewhere, and the changes you witness in her and the hurtful, purposeful behaviors toward you that you write about, are all part of her thrill of both the hurtful and manipulative discard phase and the results from already obtained supply, vs the changes you witness being a source of her trying to find supply? 

SoT

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi SoT, learning about the covert subtype. Alcohol allows her to step it up several notches. After being fueled on alcohol she is more flirty, probably more promiscuous, more over the top dancing / attention seeking  and at the end of the night verbally / physically offensive. She looks to initiate an argument. That is what I meant it changes her completely.
The two years of covid lockdown it would have been a huge tell to me that she was stepping out. If I found out and left she would have had a very difficult time finding the right supply. She can not live alone nor support herself. Other than social media being available to her there were no tells. Example, I can tell she is hunting now on social media by the way she reacts when I enter the room and she is staying up now after I go to sleep playing on her phone. During covid, we went to sleep at the same time.
Yes, red flags from the start, love bombing, jealousy, wanting to cut out my friends, etc.
We lasted so long because of my past, I guess they call it "core wounds". Very chaotic childhood (non npd parent). The other factors that played into it was planning and building the house, decorating, multiple trips, etc. There always was a new shiny object until covid hit.
Her cousin, is her main friend. The other friends are all short term, she only interacts with them when she needs something. She can cut them out for years and then suddenly pick them up again.
Before me her first love fathered her child. He was love bombed, she stopped paying attention to him, she started flirting with another man in front of him, he became upset, they argued, he according to my wife cheated on her, then she just turned up the verbal abuse, silent treatment and stopped all physical intimacy, he left, found another woman and then she said "I did everything to get him back and when he did come back I refused to allow him to touch me" and she also gave several examples of her verbal abuse to him. He left and it is unknown if they have had any contact since. She is basically creating the same situation with me. Which explains partly why she started stepping up the flirting in front of me and why she is upset I put a boundary on myself to go out with her when she parties / dances. Guessing her pattern is fixed to meet her internal needs. The only variation maybe how many times she hoovers someone. In essence it is like going to a "revival" of a play, only the actors and how they interpret the part changed but the end is the same.
She talked about other relationships after her child's father like they were long term relationships. Later when I enquired these "relationships" lasted one or two weeks.
This last man she flirted / touched (first time she did this in front of me) / grinded with she was biting her fingernails before it happened. This was the first time I saw her bite her fingernails but I think it was more for my benefit. I see my wife as planning situations, setting the stage and then coming out to enact the plan. She obviously is aware of her flirting in front of me and it is designed to meet her needs.
Triangulation, yes. Some I see, some I do not. Agree it is always in play.
My mind was made up just before Christmas. She came home, verbally abused me and for some reason I knew that I could not stay. Plan B is being formed. There are issues I need to resolve first. She has gone out several times since that evening and I was no anxious but appreciative of the quiet time. She has made remarks several times "you will never find anyone like me / you are my man" etc. After which she is sweet and then starts her manipulations to test if I am still under her total control. She knows the power dynamics have changed which will further increase her time looking for my replacement. Prefer if she kicks me out, just the waiting does create some anxiety. If she doesn't, I will stick to doing what I need to do first. Hate the idea of living alone but I am also thinking about doing what I want, seeing friends again, and the task of moving forward. The huge advantage I have is that where I will go, we never have gone. My work is outside the country, I could even live in a different country if I wanted BUT I must block completely. It would be every so difficult seeing her with someone else. Yes, I know he is going to get the same if he stays.
Words that describe, and yes, I saw the red flags early but the love bombing was beyond anything I could have imagined.
NO EMPATHY / HUMILIATION / PUNISHMENT / VINDICTIVENESS
RAGE / MANIPULATION / GASLIGHTING / LYING / TRIANGULATION
CONTEMPT / BAITING / ARGUMENTS / JEALOUSY
Hope I stayed within the site's guidelines. Guess I made a boo boo on one of my other posts. It was not intentional.

[InTheDragonsDen]

SoT, follow up, yes waiting for the discard is creating me to have anxiety. There is being told the relationship is over in a normal relationship and the expected drama, etc that would come with her. It may end up with me being able to say end but I prefer her ending it, that would be much easier but her past it has always been the guys leaving.

[escapingman]

ITTD, is she getting any supply from you right now that she still needs and thrives on? My STBX "discarded" me about 5 years ago but still stayed and refused to leave the house. As I was providing for the family she had no reason to leave, she threatened to leave a lot but every time I asked her to follow up on her threat to leave she changed her mind and said I had to leave and not her. She could scream in my face she hated me and wanted a divorce, then when I said fine let's get divorce, she would cry pretending I was cruel as I wanted a divorce.

Stay strong my friend, you are on the right path, only you know what the next step should be, when you are ready, take it. I can tell you living without a PD, being a single dad and all the struggles that comes with it is a life one million times better than being abused on a daily basis. I could never imagine this kind of peace. I was with STBX for more than 15 years, that was 14.5 years to many as I should have left already then, but as I know now my childhood trauma made me perfect for the role she had in mind for me.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Thanks Escapingman, you are amazing.

Her cousin posted a video this afternoon of the lights and decorations at her house for countdown and in the video called out the names of the "gang" that was going to be at her countdown. My wife was very upset as she said everyone else's names were called out by her cousin but not hers. She said she felt unimportant. My wife had made gifts for everyone that she was going to give out to her cousin and the "gang" on the 30th. My wife said she no longer feels like she wants to give out the gifts now. I explained to her that she was the most important person to her cousin and that your name was not called out in the video as you were not going. Told her again that she could go if she wanted. She replied that her family would be let down and she could not change her mind.

All that led my wife making plans on short notice to go out again tonight and that gives me more time to enjoy the house. My wife said that it was just her friend (female) and herself. Already heard my wife talking to her friend about other men and suspect that they will also join the party. I am okay with that. I have the house to myself.

Starting to have a mental image of my wife as a 3 or 4 year old. Adult subjects but dealt with in a child's way.

Reading about others in similar situations my wife seems to be npd "light".

Happy Holidays

[square]

My thoughts

Cluster Bs, as SoT said, need supply at all times. Some will leave the old supply once they have secured new. Some will not, and will hang on until the old supply leaves - but will ensure the new supply is in place (in EM's case, that was the PD's mother rather than a new romantic partner, but in your case it will clearly be a new romantic partner, of which she likely has a few options lined up).

Based on my understanding of your PD's history, her method is to drive her partner to leave, ensnare him again, punish him, and drive him to leave again.

Therefore, I believe if you hope she will leave first, you may be waiting a long time.

She will continue to cultivate multiple new supplies as a survival method because she knows she can't count on any single one to be available at the moment you leave.

[SonofThunder]

I can tell she is hunting now on social media by the way she reacts when I enter the room and she is staying up now after I go to sleep playing on her phone.

That was also my experience during discard and imo, whatever it is that my stbx was enthralled with on her devices, is the 'supply' that helped to fend off the FOA feelings.   

Caught-off-guard looks on her face when I would enter a room and her quick attempts to switch screens on her phone or computer screen.  She would be so mentally deep into what she was browsing, that she would not know I was approaching until I was only feet from her, therefore the scramble. 

At that point, I didn't bother caring.  It actually assisted me in the realities of her discard and that my forward path was sure.  Im sorry you are experiencing this behavior and many other behaviors.   

SoT

[escapingman]

That was also my experience during discard and imo, whatever it is that my stbx was enthralled with on her devices, is the 'supply' that helped to fend off the FOA feelings.   

Anything to get supply. As far as I know, my STBX was never interested in any other men in that kind of way, she was only after admiration from men and women. She got A LOT of supply from the gym where she spend hours on end. She got supply from shopping, returning the items, rebuying them, returning them again and so on and on until she was happy she secured the best price and felt she ripped the shop off. The irony is that she could spend £5 on petrol to get to a shop to refund and item to rebuy it at a lower price to save her £1. STBX never hid it from me what she was doing, she thought that anything she did was legit, if she would have wanted another man she would have had him in front of me without any guilt. Whatever she did, was to be accepted.

Square, I believe GC became her main supply when I disconnected. If it is GC, MIL or both now I have no idea. I sincerely hope it is MIL or someone else I don't know about.

ITDD, supply could be anything, it all depends on what makes you PD tick. And it can change from time to time. It's just mind bobbling.

[square]

EM, you're right about GC. I guess I was just thinking of her mother as being the place to land - her house to stay in, and the security of having her direct some things (though I'm sure it's an agony as well).

[escapingman]

EM, you're right about GC. I guess I was just thinking of her mother as being the place to land - her house to stay in, and the security of having her direct some things (though I'm sure it's an agony as well).

Oh yes of course, MIL is providing her with a roof over her head, childcare and most likely food as well. I doubt STBX will ever move out although she keep complaining through the solicitors about living there. 

[InTheDragonsDen]

Square, believe you are correct. She is now at a dance, yup I went to check, confronting her she said "I told you I was going to the dance". Not a prayer. She said she was going to stay with her friend at the friends house.
Yup, she wants me to leave or cheat, ergo, she is good, I am bad.
Work next year can not start fast enough

[SonofThunder]

Therefore, I believe if you hope she will leave first, you may be waiting a long time.

She will continue to cultivate multiple new supplies as a survival method because she knows she can't count on any single one to be available at the moment you leave.

+1 Square

Not sure of laws in other locations, but in my area, a spouse initiating a divorce would make the other spouse the defendant vs the plaintiff in the legal divorce process.  Since there may be no lawfully-illegal behaviors that can be brought against the PD, the plaintiff may bear many of the burdens in the divorce and divorce procedure.  A perfect plan.  A perfected 'double-bind' for the non.

Imo, creating an intolerable environment in which the non departs, has so many advantages for the PD, both legally and socially, as a major part of the PD's supply is the victim role, which is highly amplified once the covertly manipulated non departs. 

Imo, supply helps to keep FOA down for the PD because of the attention from everyone else toward the victim role and therefore the abandonment that actually occurred by the non's departure, becomes a thrilling control war for the PD.  It's a brilliant PD strategy that has been purposefully designed and carried out, as the PD has supply attention from so many sources.

Like Square well stated, the PD can create a very sustainable environment, as they enjoy all the sources of new supply and also bask in the power and control of the discard-punishment they are inflicting on the non.  Its a twisted funhouse for the PD.   

SoT

[InTheDragonsDen]

Big thanks to Square and SoT for letting me know........ I am ........(feel free to add an adjective or two)
The big hurdle is crossed. I have options but it can be perilous as well each day I physically stay in the house.
Switching to the happy, avoid confrontation, talk as little as possible. Going to start sleeping in the living room, if we had a spare bathroom I would rather sleep in there, safer.