Who did you first tell?

[Srcyu]

Moglow,
I agree although some may find this distasteful, that a while after the bpd parent dies, acceptance and maturity of thought concerning the past becomes a lot easier.
It's not worth it thinking along the lines of, ' if only I could do THIS then THAT would happen.' 
The road ahead will twist and turn while leading you to where you need to be - you'll know it when you see it.