Who did you first tell?

[Srcyu]

JustKat, I hated senior school all the way through. It's no surprise but massively shocking that the school counsellor was no help at all. Quite the opposite in fact. Why is the mother always protected and never the child in these situations?
The feeling of knowing that no one can/will help is what held me back from telling those who should have noticed - my father for instance.

[Srcyu]

Maxtrem, that's a good point you made about not choosing someone you knew to tell. I would sometimes briefly mention her behaviour to people at work. But the reaction was always the same, mutters of, 'I would never talk about my mother that way,'. Lucky them, perhaps they didn't need to.

[Andeza]

I had no idea that the behaviors I had experienced weren't normal, or just common in all families. So I never felt the need to tell anyone. People that had friends they would visit growing up probably had an advantage here, but my entire childhood I only remember having one playdate at another kid's house where mom didn't stay the whole time. So I was only really exposed to uBPDm growing up. Now that I'm older and I have developed a discerning eye, my cousins have let slip that they knew something was up, but they thought and probably still believe that it was just "overprotectiveness." I couldn't have sleep overs. I couldn't go off and do things with the cousins without supervision, etc. So I get why they landed on that. I think my aunt also suspected things were not right because she tried to be there and get me out of the house some when I was older. In the process, I learned how to sew. Which was awesome. Love my aunt! Amazing, kind lady.

The first person that I actually thought to discuss this stuff with was my then first boyfriend in college, now my husband of almost 11 years. Anniversary in a couple days in fact. It was like the floodgates opened, for both of us, and we just spilled all the crap that we'd been dealing with for our entire lives. His mom is also likely a PD of some flavor. So we bonded over that.

[overitall]

Andeza,,
The closest thing I got regarding validation was my Aunt admitting over 20 years ago that she had never experienced a mother as cruel as my mom was to me....she kind of stopped short there, but I think she carries a lot of guilt over not stepping in and stopping the abuse....both uBPDm and uNPDf are old and alone now, (except for GCsis waiting to collect inheritance)  In my mind, there are exactly where they belong...ALONE

Last year, when visiting said Aunt and cousin, they both admitted that they felt GCsis was extremely bossy and rude and they hated being around her...my response was "how do you think it felt growing up with my uBPDm and GCsis ganging up on me?"  They both got really quiet and I think they feel badly now that they didn't have the courage to step up....they fully support my NC and understand it completely, so for me, it is a sense of validation

[countrygirl]

When I was in elementary school, before I would go to the home of a friend, my mother would often say,  "Don't tell them your problems.  People just want to know your problems so they can use them against you."  Of course my problem was her abuse.  When I was older, I learned that adult abusers usually threaten a child in some way about what will happen if they tell.  This was my mother's version.  Of course when I did tell a close friend, many years later, she didn't want to hear it.

[Srcyu]

countrygirl,
So many people just don't want to hear it. It's weird. I suppose it goes against the natural order of things and a lot of people can't deal with it.

Andeza,
I secretly knew that it was wrong. I also knew that no one could help. It's refreshing and encouraging to hear that you and your husband can connect and share so much.

[moglow]

I'm honestly not sure, but I believe I only talked to Daddy [after their divorce, of course]. As far back as I could remember mother was bitter and spiteful, seemed to delight in tormenting me in one way or another then demanding to know why I was staying in my room with a book/away from everyone. When I was around 13-14 I sent Daddy a letter begging for his help and talking about how she hated me, even knowing there was little he could do where she was concerned. I vaguely remember his mother bring his return letter to me at school, I had to read it there and she'd take it back with her so mother would never see it. My ongoing fear was that I'd be separated from my brothers, so I kept my head down and my mouth shut with her - it didn't stop the abuse but we weren't split up either. A few years later Daddy had moved near/driveable distance to our schools and that summer while staying with him, he gave me the letter to read again. I moved out of mother's house to his before the next school year started, as did my younger brothers.

I found those letters years ago in one of Daddy's old briefcases and reread them recently. It's a hard read even all these decades later, knowing there's not one thing anyone could do for that child.

[Srcyu]

You've stopped me in my tracks moglow. Sadness radiates from your words, I'm so sorry.
I'm so glad your daddy responded to your letter and how kind his mother must have been to bring his reply to you.
That poor lonely scared child.

I'm asking again - why is the mother considered to be so untouchable? Society just doesn't want to know.

[littlelimabean]

Moglow,

The words you used and the situation you went through hurt my heart to read. I wish the best for you and for you to continue your healing.

[littlelimabean]

It's unusual I think, for you to have told someone you were worried about as opposed to seeking any sort of help for yourself.

Huh...

I never thought of it that way.

[moglow]

Windmill, somewhere inside me is still the belief that in order to truly heal I need to forgive her. I can't and it haunts me. She was an adult with absolute control and power over us, unquestioned or challenged. She made my life a hell - my escapes were with Daddy and my brothers, and school.

I tried for so many years to be that daughter she could love and appreciate. Now I finally understand that's a hard no and in all likelihood always was. I just refused to see it.

God bless Daddy, how horrible my letter had to be for him to read, then trying to respond in a way a young mind could grasp. He was fairly blunt, referred to her specifically as an unnatural mother and to what he termed her harassment and vindictiveness towards me in particular. Unfortunately his profession required overseas travel for months at the time. I believe he remarried rather quickly after the divorce to provide us with a safe place to go.

But to your question - the whole "mother is the end all and be all of her family" has always baffled me too. Damn near everytime I countered it with even the mildest objection, I was told ad nauseum but she's your mother/she's the only one you'll have/you'll miss her when she's gone/etc. I learned to clamp down and suffer in silence. Clearly it's sacrilege to even hint that they're human, much less the monsters some of us came to know.

[JustKathy]

JustKat, I hated senior school all the way through. It's no surprise but massively shocking that the school counsellor was no help at all. Quite the opposite in fact. Why is the mother always protected and never the child in these situations?

I spend a lot of time thinking about this and wondering if things would be any different today, with the knowledge that's now available about PD parents. Sadly, I don't think it would be any different.

CPS would be called immediately if a teenager went to her guidance counselor with visible bruises and signs of physical abuse.

But what happens to the teenager who goes to her counselor with wild stories about her mother planting cigarettes or drugs in her purse, then discovering them in front of her father so she'd be punished? That sounds like a troubled teenager who got caught and is now making stuff up in an attempt to exonerate herself. There are very few trained psychologists who would recognize that kind of sabotage as being a trait of a narc/sociopath mother, let alone a high school guidance counselor. Maybe this is part of the reason that we don't tell. Who's going to believe us?

[Srcyu]

JustKat,
It's true. There's an unspoken understanding that we just do not tell. Is that a twist on society not wanting to hear it?
No one wants to look, listen or tell, ourselves included.

[countrygirl]

I have a friend who has never really looked at what was done to her--she was abused by her father.  And she is very closed off, and doesn't really trust anyone.  She has told me that she doesn't know who she is.  She is a very bright person and can be warm, on occasion, but keeping this secret has not served her well.  Even if it is painful to open up to others and to face what was done to us, I firmly believe that we are better off than if we'd never examined our childhoods (and adulthoods, in some cases).

I do think there is a taboo against saying anything against one's mother, in particular.  But I must say that I also had a hard time when I opened up to people about my father, because he was a very personable person, who was beloved in his community.  When I was a kid, I was shy and awkward socially, to some extent, and strongly believed that no one would believe that my parents, both of whom were sociable, always well dressed and "gracious" had been abusive.  I was their gawky daughter, who was always outdoors or with her head in a book (trying to escape them), and no one would have believed me.  I even had a stutter, which is hardly surprising, given how I was treated when I spoke up to my parents, even in my timid, quiet way.

[Srcyu]

countrygirl,
It suited them to have you be timid and quiet.
I was expected to put other people first all of the time, even strangers. The expectation was also there for me to underachieve and to have nothing that others might want for themselves.
Oh, how it annoys them when we won't follow their narrative.

I do wonder which came first - our quiet nature or their bullying of us.

[countrygirl]

You know, Windmill, it has never occurred to me that it suited my parents for me to be timid and quiet. ( Of course, they always berated me FOR being timid and quiet, but that doesn't mean that they didn't want me to be that way, because I was often berated for doing what they wanted.)  I am going to put some thought into this.  Thank you for the insight!

Also, of course you're right about how they can't stand it when we don't follow their narrative.  Even though I was quiet, I was determined to get away from them and live my life as I wanted, and they never forgave me.

[DaisyGirl77]

I think the first person I told was a therapist I was sent to see for being "bad".  I saw a whole string of them: some were impartial therapists (probably, I don't really know) & others were "therapists" within whatever church we attended at the time.  (In quotes because I don't know if they were actually licensed.)  It was a variety of individual & family therapy, but mainly aimed at "fixing" me, the "bad" kid.  I also think people suspected all wasn't right at home because of the way I'd casually talk about things in relation to myself.  I used to say I was "punished for having a temper tantrum" & therefore wasn't allowed to read (my one major escape), or just mention I was "bad" at home & couldn't do XYZ activity at school.  Or I'd just call myself the bad kid, which made a lot of the adults I was surrounded by in school do a double take because, like many of you, I was quiet, kept to myself, & vigilantly followed the rules.  I never caused issues.  I don't know if anyone ever did anything about it.  I don't think they did; there was no indication of obvious abuse that would trigger a mandatory report to CPS.

[Srcyu]

DaisyGirl77,
They are so careful to hide the abuse. The punishment of taking away your reading was despicable.
I had a teacher once who wrote in my school report - 'She needs to come out of her shell more.' This was the teacher who struggled to hold the attention of the class and yet she found it necessary to remark upon my quietness.
BPD mother read that comment out with glee. So, I started to talk a lot more in class and added to the overall disruption.
Anything to keep the adults happy ......

[Jolie40]

Windmill, somewhere inside me is still the belief that in order to truly heal I need to forgive her. I can't and it haunts me.

hi moglow,
I did forgive but it was super, super hard

thought that I had forgiven but in the shower one day thinking & started crying
I realized then that I hadn't truly forgiven as the pain was still there

so I said to God that I couldn't forgive on my own & needed his help
after that, one day I realized that the forgiveness did happen
I could remember my past objectively without tears & the pain of it all seemed to vanish with the forgiveness

of course, I can still remember all that happened but I no longer dwell on it
and now that both parents are gone from earth, everything seems easier as I rarely think of them anymore

I can concentrate on my immediate family and stay in the present

I hope someday you will find that forgiveness, moglow
your heart will be lighter when it happens

[moglow]

Thank you, Jolie - it is better than in years past, all things considered. It's been such a painful journey overall, still a bit of a cha-cha in my heart and mind with two steps forward and one step back. I know I've made progress, but I do get stuck still. The tears and pain are under there and pop up when I least expect them. Would that simple conversations with mother could provide the peace and comfort y'all do.