Who did you first tell?

[Srcyu]

Who was the first person that you told about your bpd parent(s)?
As a child and teenager I told no one, it didn't even occur to me. In the 70's school teachers showed no concern for the scruffy, quiet child in the class. My abuse was complete, physical neglect as well as emotional.
Yet no none noticed.

When I met the man I would marry, I told him one day, 'my mother isn't very nice,' my exact words. Such hurt, pain and truth in one short sentence.  He let me down a bit by giving the usual response about always loving your mother. He hadn't met her at that point.

His entire family saw straight through her. They saw her for what she really was.
I will always be grateful to them for that.
Who did you first tell and how did they react?

[overitall]

I told my best friend in the fifth grade that something was horribly wrong with my uBPDm.  We were so young at that time and my Mom was always careful around my friend....fast forward to high school when my friend came home with me to spend the night on a Friday night (my Mom forgot she was there) 

As soon as my Mom heard me in my bedroom she came ranting and screaming down the hallway, "what the hell is wrong with you, you miserable xxxxxxx xxxxx"  Screaming, yelling, cursing, foaming at the mouth (her usual reaction to just about everything that bothered her).  When I opened my bedroom door and my completely freaked out girlfriend was standing there, my Mom was frozen.  It was a priceless moment for me....I never had to say another word to my girlfriend after that.   She NEVER stayed at my house again and never wanted anything to do with my Mom ever again.   Of course, from that point forward my Mom despised her because she had been exposed

[Happypants]

I never told anyone for a long time because I was so enmeshed that it didn't occur to me to mind.  Over the years, friends of mine and GC's girlfriends would often be wide-eyed at some of the misogynistic comments and "jokes" which were part of our in-house vocabulary, but I didn't think anything of it until later.  Through my twenties and thirties, friends, workmates and partners would comment on the level and regularity of contact from my mother which I found increasingly smothering over time and was a major impetus in me slowly stepping back from them.

I have told one person.  I told him about a pretty nasty triangulation incident a long time ago but got little reaction from him.  Over the years, I've involved him more and more in the goings-on, trying to help him to understand in order to get some support, but it's been a long, harsh lesson to learn that nobody really gets it unless they're going through it and that I'm really on my own.  My personal experience is that talking about it has left me feeling frustrated and rudderless.  Thank goodness for this forum 

[Srcyu]

Yes, they are livid when they expose themselves like that. No doubt she tried to blame you overitall.
Your friend must have been so shocked.

[Srcyu]

You are right Happypants, no one understands or at least don't want to understand.
Within the family I've created for myself two people are able to listen and respond accordingly, the others don't want to.
It is a very lonely business.

[countrygirl]

Hi,

This is an interesting topic.   I have had people who tied themselves up into pretzels trying to say that this could not have happened!   You are correct:  This is a very lonely business.

I was particularly upset when my childhood friend just did not want to listen.  Then she told me that her husband's parents had been abusive to him, and that she couldn't "stand" to hear that either.  She said she guessed it was because her own parents had been so kind!   So, she won the lottery with parents, but instead of that making her feel compassion for those who'd had it rough, she didn't want anything to spoil her rose-colored view.  And, she was an elementary school teacher for so many years.  I shudder to think what happened if an abused kid tried to confide in her.   (She told me some things she remembered about the way my mother had treated me when she visited, though.  Including how bad she felt when my mother asked me why I couldn't be more like her, my friend.)

Another person I told was a first cousin, who had just told me about how her mother abused her.  When I told her my mother had done the same, she was reluctant to believe it!  In fact, she was astounded.  I pointed out that our mothers had been sisters, so it was hardly surprising.  Later, she talked to one of our male cousins, who told her that his mother had also been abusive; his mother was the youngest of the three sisters.  Another cousin never would accept it, and talked about how wonderful her parents were.  But it turned out that she was dealing with things by drinking. 

It is indeed good that this forum exists.

[Srcyu]

countrygirl, I think we all came up against similar brick walls. It is very concerning that your friend became an elementary school teacher. That would explain why some extreme cruelty cases go unreported.

The question is, why. Why won't society in general readily acknowledge that not all mothers are good enough parents ( or fathers, but perhaps people are willing to accept that more? I don't know).

Perhaps some people are in denial and don't want the issue to be out in the open?
Who, after all, would really want to believe that their parent absolutely did not like or care about them. Many  of us here have faced that fact head on and it makes most other people squirmy and uncomfortable.

[Jolie40]

I became friends with the mom of my high school best friend.
In a way she became my "substitute" mom.
I would start hanging out with "mom" when my friend wasn't home.

She would make & bake delicious homemade oatmeal bread while I sat at the table & talked with her.
I would tell her bits & pieces. She let me live with them for a month when I couldn't stand one more minute at home.

We are still friends today & talk on phone for about an hour each time.
She says "I love you" when we hang up.

[Srcyu]

jolie40, that's really nice. You were extremely fortunate to have met such an emotionally intelligent person.
I assume your bpd mother knew nothing about the friendship. Mine would have made sure I was never allowed to see someone like that ever again.

[notrightinthehead]

For me it was my first therapist. He believed me. I also had boyfriends who came from abusive families too, they believed me.
My parents are long gone but four years ago I casually mentioned at a ladies dinner that I had a terrible childhood with a cruelly abusive mother and one woman just couldn't accept that. She kept on denying that this could be possible and repeated how wonderful and loving her mother was. It annoyed me a bit until I just let it go.  She is as entitled to her view of mothers as I am.

[feralcat]

I've tried telling a sister ( now I suspect to have developed a PD, as have others of my FOO. Sad that unaddressed and conflicted trauma seems to be able to do this). She became aerated and literally started to shout at me in the street. Saying I was accusing unPdM of being evil . Which I never said. Since then they've become very 'close'. No doubt facilitated by the money unPdM throws at her.
When I had my epiphany about dysfunctional families ...and my FOG related rose tinted glasses fell off, I tried to talk to my H about it. He batted everything away, telling me as I spilled out my confusion and grief, that this " was how it was in 'those days'". ( he's around 9 years younger than me). That it wasn't/ isn't abuse but a cultural/ generational thing. In the end I stopped talking to him about it....but his refusal ( inability?) to support me has killed off something in our relationship tbh. His own self protection obviously over rules his desire to support me. Sad. Nowadays I protect myself. And if that includes shutting down , or removing myself from, anything that will trigger me I will do it.

And the sad thing is that both FOO , H - and also unPdMIL - are impacted by this. I may be explained away as being awkward antisocial or whatever, but my removing myself generally still leaves a hole in the 'but we're all just one big happy family' displays. Even more so as , being bought up as a parentified child, I've always taken on the role as an organiser. So, no fixer fewer photo opportunities.
Oh dear. Bad luck.

[Srcyu]

notrightinthehead, yes there are still certain types out there who will not/can not break the myth of motherhood. Makes you wonder what their own mothers were really like since they are unable to accept unpalatable truths from others.
You were fortunate with your therapist I think.
Most people absolutely cannot accept complaints about mothers, it's weird. I think a lot of emotional maturity is required, a truthful nature and ofcourse - experience.

[bee well]

I tried "to tell" a lot of people in and out of my family about "it" a long the way. Those who had the power to do anything about it mostly turned the other way, although some of them showed kindness that made a difference.

There were the conversations with friends about our families, many of them just as messed up as mine,  and problems but aside from that it wasn't way into adulthood when I started working on me,  that I got it on a gut (actually mind and body) level---that was reaallly hard--- I told my DH, in great depth.

Still working on it all. Like many of you, I probably always will be. New realizations for both of us come out as time passes.

Most of my life I had no idea how bad things were. I know it was bad but I didn't know all of  the hurt that the disorder in my FOO was causing me. Had I understood when I was much younger I'm not sure I would have been able to handle it and get as far as I did. I guess that's a silver lining.

[Maxtrem]

I think the first person I talked to about it was a psychologist and also a doctor. I don't think I really talked about it before since I was downplaying the toxic behaviors of my uBPDm. I also think I would have been embarrassed to talk about my story and all the psychological abuse I experienced to someone I know.   

[Srcyu]

feralcat,
I found that siblings are some of the last people who will acknowledge the situation. My vile gc older sibling came very close to admitting it all quite recently but not in a good way - she gloated. Which just shows that they know exactly what's going on but they don't care to admit it.
My H makes light remarks about any details that I disclose to him, based from the blinkered view point that he loved his own mother very much.
It is bad luck for them when we learn to keep boundaries in place, we are no longer people pleasers.

[littlelimabean]

The first person I told about my mom was my sister. She doesn't adapt and adjust to negative events as well as I do, so I felt like it was my duty to tell her so she could arm herself.

Then, I told my dad. I told him I needed to leave and why. I can tell he partially believed it. He always said he knew something was off, but was never home because of his job. Now that I am gone, I think he is starting to wake up a bit. I would call myself "my family's training wheels", now I am not there and they are figuring out how to ride a bike on their own.

[Srcyu]

bee well,
I know what you mean when we speak to someone who actually understands. Those interactions might be brief but they stay in our minds.
The new realisations stop me in my tracks whenever they hit. Lightbulb moments can be breath taking.
I like your silver lining, I found one after bpd mother died - I had nothing to miss.

[JustKathy]

As a child and teenager I told no one, it didn't even occur to me. In the 70's school teachers showed no concern for the scruffy, quiet child in the class. My abuse was complete, physical neglect as well as emotional.
Yet no none noticed.

I also went to school in the 70s and didn't tell anyone until my senior year in high school. Up to that point, I thought my Nmother's behavior was normal. I had nothing to compare it to so didn't question it. I thought that was just how families were.

In my senior year, my Nmother realized she was losing control of me and set out to destroy me. The abuse became unbearable. I confided in my best friend (really, my only friend). He was a closeted gay kid and had his own share of problems. We had each other to lean on but I still had no idea what was wrong with my mother. At some point, things reached their breaking point and I told my high school guidance counselor. This was years before NPD was even recognized as a disorder so suffice it to say, it did NOT go well. She didn't believe a word of it and took the position that I was making up stories about my mother to deflect from being a "problem child." I ran away from home not long after that. I knew that no one was going to help me so I fled.

[Jolie40]

I assume your bpd mother knew nothing about the friendship. Mine would have made sure I was never allowed to see someone like that ever again.

she heard me on the landline talking!
this is when I got the "blood is thicker than water" talk

[Srcyu]

littlelimabean,
It must have been hard for you to leave while feeling concerned for your sister. I'm glad your departure has prodded your dad into paying more attention. It's unusual I think, for you to have told someone you were worried about as opposed to seeking any sort of help for yourself.
I like your reference to being your family's training wheels. I hope it goes well.