Called the police

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I just want to say thank you again to the wonderful people and support here, it truly means a lot!

Well, here is the latest in my sibling saga... (I called the police!)

Background...

I live quite a long way (about 10 hours drive) from my home town, but I do go back to visit friends (previously it was also more time with family, but am now LC as many of us here in the FOG forum!

Anyway, my PD oldest brother was a real bully to me growing up. He would say horrible things, put me down, take my toys away, and physically attack / hit me etc. Frequently for absolutely no reason.

I remember one particularly awful incident where he started kicking me when I simply wanted to go up the stairs. I am 7 years younger and he was in his early 20's at the time. My father just scoffed and laughed when I asked for help.

Anyway, I remember breathing a huge sigh of relief when he finally left home, and went far overseas (to earn more money) and I didn't have to deal with him much for the next two decades.

Anyway, about 2 and a half years ago (partly due to covid), he came back with his wife and kids, and he has stayed with my parents (also PD) ever since.

Since then, he has been very rude to me on my occasional (every few months) visits. He is 47, but has gotten himself well settled at my parents, my mother coddles on him, cooks all his meals etc.

Even when I'm polite, kind etc. He is rude to me, basically I think he wants my parents place to himself, even if I only visited for a few days, in 4 months, he takes the opportunity to be rude.

Anyway, his behavior has escalated to the point where, when I last visited my parents, I used a small, seldom used bathroom in the corner of the house - (very quietly and late at night), and he had happened to come upstairs - and violently lashed out, kicking the door, hitting it etc. And swearing at me. Luckily the toilet door was locked, but it damaged the latch:

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=92761.0

He also lashes out at other people, particularly his kids, and has been involved in 'road rage' incidents,on one occasion he was hospitalized when someone bigger than him punched him.

Anyway, my parents solution was that when I came to visit that I could stay in their little cabin (few amenities and very simple), and my brother would continue to stay at their house(much more comfortable).

Anyway, I am currently visiting and my parents told him he is not to disturb me if I was at the wee cabin. It is a very long drive from the city as well.

Anyway, yesterday morning I heard him rattling around outside etc. He knows full well that he shouldn't other me. My car was in the drive, and my shoes were outside, so he knew I was there.

I tried to contact my parents (who are away in holiday), but I wasn't able to, so I called the police!

The police were amazing!!!! I can't tell you how great it felt to be taken seriously!!!

I stayed inside with the curtains drawn, doors locked and radio on, and didn't communicate with him,  as the police advised.

My parents kept minimising it before, and somehow tried to blame me, they also just called it a 'squabble' - even though I had done nothing to him.

Anyway, my brother slunk off after my parents had eventually told him to leave. I was able to call the police again so they didn't have to come to the house. They followed up with a phone call, and were very understanding.

I know that the main reason he came around was to pester me, he doesn't mind things being incredibly messy when he stays at my parents house, and so 'maintenance' on one of the few days in months on end, that I am at the cabin is a dodgy excuse.

It just felt so amazing being taken seriously, not blamed, and knowing that someone had my back, and would keep me safe.

In a way, the whole incident means I will spend less time with the PDs and I am going to spend it on personal growth as well.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and I definitely recommend calling the police - I know there is family pressure against it, but my goodness, it's so wonderful knowing that you can be kept safe!

[SonofThunder]

Good for you JollyJazz!  Keep protecting yourself as needed!

Are there ways for you to visit your friends in a different place, so you are not in the same area, nor utilizing the family resources, just to visit friends?  Risking your own safety by staying in a home where your brother has easy access and knowledge (through your coddling parents), seems like a great risk just to visit friends.

Do your friends come to visit you?

SoT

[JollyJazz]

Dear Son of Thunder,

Thanks so much for your encouragement and support! 😌

Yes, some of my friends do come and visit me. It is really nice seeing them.

Yes, I have started staying with friends more, after all this has happened. I'm seeing it as a good opportunity to have even less exposure to the PDs, and take care of myself.

Yes, you are right about that.

It's good to be reminded that my brother is dangerous. The police took it very seriously (after I told them about him).

My parents have completely minimised it, and of course.

I do really want to turn to friends more!

[SonofThunder]

Dear Son of Thunder,

Thanks so much for your encouragement and support! 😌

Yes, some of my friends do come and visit me. It is really nice seeing them.

Yes, I have started staying with friends more, after all this has happened. I'm seeing it as a good opportunity to have even less exposure to the PDs, and take care of myself.

Yes, you are right about that.

It's good to be reminded that my brother is dangerous. The police took it very seriously (after I told them about him).

My parents have completely minimised it, and of course.

I do really want to turn to friends more!

Hi JollyJazz,

I want to encourage you to take it as seriously as the police.  Part of my being in the fog about abuse was because I was raised in a FOO home that swept abuse under the rug, to protect reputations and not stir the waters. 

The police, being unattached to your FOO, are imo, the correct perspective on response.  Glad to read you will protect yourself better and make provisions to meet your friends in ways/places where/when your FOO is totally unaware. 

If your FOO and your friend's FOO are friends, I will caution you that those friend connections may cause information to be shared among the FOO's that may jeopardize your future safety by exposing your where/when's. 

SoT

[JollyJazz]

Hi Son of Thunder,

Thanks for this!

Yes, you are quite right. The issue gets very minimised and it's so good to have it taken seriously by the police!

I read an online posting about a woman who was being abused by her brother, she rang the police, and said how her parents encouraged her to 'keep it in the family', and the police operator on the line said that they hear that with every caller!

Yes, that is a good point about my friends friend, etc. Now they are very separate, but in previous years my mother would insist on getting my friends phone numbers 'for safety'. She would ring and find out where I was etc.

Now I'm getting more distance... I thought I was like contact, but this latest series of incidents is helping me Out of the FOG even more!

Thanks again 

[guitarman]

Well done. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know it's not easy to have the courage to call the police or other emergency services. I've had to do it several times because of the way my uBPD/NPD sister was behaving.

I calmly told my sister that I would call the police or ambulance services again if I needed to. She modified her behaviour because she knew that I was serious and would follow through and call them.

You must have been terrified not knowing what your brother would do. You did the right thing by calling the police. I'm glad to know that they took your concerns seriously.

The Safeguarding Team were eventually involved as they get automatically contacted after three calls to the emergency services, which I didn't know about. They need to investigate any abuse of vulnerable people.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Guitarman,
Thanks so much for your post!

I'm sorry that you also had this experience! Thank you for sharing too, as it also helps me feel less alone.

I actually felt amazing calling the police. They were so kind and civil, took me seriously. It felt INCREDIBLE to have someone in my corner.

Yes, I was shaken, my brother is so so violent and erratic.

Talking to anyone outside the family is such a 'no no'. My mother is alread lashing out at me. I'm the one that purchased her groceries, got her medicine, washed and folded her clothes etc. during covid. But I'm also the SG.

Anyway, I am back at my own place now, far away from her! Hehe.

That's interesting about the repeat calls, I got the impression that the police looked for a pattern as well.

It's just an awesome feeling of taking our power back!

That's good your sister backed down. I'm doing the same thing as well. I just decided that my safety was more important than my parents rules (that I minimised the violent, definitely NOT call police etc.).

Best wishes!