Confronting about abuse and NC

[LittlePaw]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some perspectives and support on this one.  TLDR at the bottom. I've been on and off NC and struggling with whether or not to confront my uBPD/uNPD, and apparently DID (dissociative identity disorder) mom.

There's the usual toxicity that goes along with a parent like this.  She gaslights me, I'm the worst person ever, I'm the best person ever.  When we were in more regular contact and I said 'I care about you' this was insulting to her, but when I said 'take care' this meant a lot to her. Not going into specifics, she's deliberately put my life at risk a few times, once where I almost died. And I just got to the point where I can't keep silent about it anymore.

The final straw is that after not responding to her emails/NC for almost a year, she started sending cards with letters to my house. It feels like an invasion, and it's really upsetting to see her handwriting and not know what's in store.

So I wrote her an email saying that I need to no longer omit, erase or ignore that I experienced abuse and neglect from her.  I did this only to speak the truth for my own sake. I fully expect to get rage/denial/attack/deflection/blame/pity etc. back from her, if I get any response at all.  A part of me doesn't care because it was more important to be honest and put words to something that's always been hidden and denied. Another part of me is terrified to upset her like my life depends on it, because in the past it has. 

So TLDR, has anyone else confronted a parent about neglect and abuse as part of being or going NC?  Was is petrifying, liberating?  Do you regret it in hindsight or were there consequences you didn't anticipate?

Thanks so much in advance and wishing you all peace and healing,

Littlepaw

[doglady]

Hi Littlepaw

I have a mother who would very much fit the profile you describe, and an enabling father.

I have confronted them in person.

My father raged, swore and threatened to never speak to me again. My mother cried and dissociated and said she didn't know what I was talking about and that she'd never done 'all these terrible things I'm accused of.'

Basically they refused to listen or hear.

I followed up with a detailed email, outlining the issues as I saw them, in the hope that they would take the time to read it and understand. I now know there was no point. My father said he didn't read it as it was 'too long' and my mother responded that she'd shown one of her friends, who had pointed out the grammatical errors.

Yep.

Anyhoo...this question often pops up on Out of the FOG and I think you'll find most members here who've tried to confront their disordered parents have had an overwhelming lack of success in doing so. I hope others will weigh in with their experiences.

I'm now NC with my parents and, while it's not what I wanted, it's the only answer for my mental health.

By all means confront them if you feel it will be beneficial for you to tell your story. That part of it was worthwhile for me. At least I heard me, even if they wouldn't.

However, I guess I'm very pessimistic about a disordered parent ever seeing the light. I predict that a plethora of gaslighting, denial, blame of you and other assorted unhelpful behaviours will ensue.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do. But remember that disordered parents are strongly invested in protecting their fragile positive self images at all costs, and will engage in any behaviours, no matter how dysfunctional and irrational, to maintain them.

So why on earth would ever they listen to us?

Just my two cents' worth.

[moglow]

You "can" but like Doglady mentioned, mixed results are apt to be the rule of the day. Expect nothing, accept wherever it takes you. I think we can talk until we're purple but unless there's a true willingness to change [not at all the case with mine] it's just more words into the ether. I thought if I could get mother to lance the boil and let all the poison out, maybe she could heal and we'd have a hope of some decency. Well that was foolish on my part. She "responded" much along the lines of a toddler stomping her feet and screaming what *I'd* done to *her* [yeah, she's the parent] and how I'd let her down repeatedly. It felt like she'd made friends with all her demons and was determined she'd rather have them than me. Okay then. She's literally told one of my brothers recently that "for some reason mo thinks she was abused ..." trying to lead him down that abyss. He declined but shared the info. Complete denial on her part.

At the end of the day, what can she do to you? Cut you off? Talk smack behind your back? Odds are that's happened before and you survived it. She can't take away your keys, lock you in your room, assign mindless useless chores etc. It is what it is and she's already painted it all her own special shades. Consequences? You get the healing peace of knowing you did and said what you felt was needed to clear the air. It just may not feel like you expected for a while. Still a lot to unload and deal with, and we're here for that too.

[LittlePaw]

Thank you both so much for your insightful responses and sharing your experiences.  Doglady, I can (unfortunately) completely relate to your mom's response and it sounds like our moms are very similar.  My mom's go to was to start her reply to me by pointing out the errors I made and that made me furious.   And a grammar error?  It's so petty.  I'm glad to hear you made a choice of NC that best supports your health and well being. 

Moglow thank you very much for your encouragement and giving me hope where I didn't see it. Thinking about the worst that can happen (that's really not that bad), and the reminder that i've been through whatever she might throw at me before (true) and I'll make it through this time too.  Thank you both for the wise words!

[Srcyu]

I managed to get through to her twice and both times it was not me who instigated it.
That might be the crucial part - the timing of it.

All through senior school her neglect of me was breathtaking. I'll spare everyone the details but it's fair to say that I did not have everything I needed. When I got my first job she noticed that I'd bought myself a lot of underwear. She expressed her approval. I responded with, "well, I needed it." She repeated her initial comment. I repeated mine and just for one brief moment guilt crossed over her face.

The second incident led to the same shock and guilty  reaction albeit extremely brief.
Basically I caught her off guard and that seemed to be the only way through.


milly

[DaisyGirl77]

I've confronted my FOO about the abuse countless times.  From my uNM, I got variations of the narcissist's prayer.  From eF, it was a great day if he managed to push me off to another day which would never come.  From them both, I was told it was my responsibility to repair our relationship, but the goalposts moved every time.  Sometimes I'd get the public regret masquerading as apology without actually uttering the words "I'm sorry" & getting the side-eye like I should know they're trying to apologize to me while using "I regret my mistakes...".  I've tried writing letters (which waxed melodramatic as teens can be).  Those also failed.

None of it ever fucking mattered one whit.  In uNM's mind, I will always only ever be the kid who wreaked the most havoc.  The strong-willed child, etc., etc., etc.  & I will only ever be the kid she resents constantly because it's my fault that she wasn't able to do the things she dreamed of before I was conceived.

My latest thing was posting a sort of "come out" on a social media page I have that's limited to family only, detailing some of the abuse I experienced at uNM's hand, while eF was her enforcer/ostrich (if he chose not to know).  I called out some of the lies & one particular pattern of behavior that harmed only me in my FOO.  Even though I had one response from an aunt by marriage who felt she needed to tell me the expected "this doesn't belong on [site]", I actually felt free for the first time in a very long time.  One sister is incredibly angry at me for this post because she sees it as disloyalty to uNM & continues to question my decision to remain in contact with eF while being permanently estranged from uNM, refusing to accept my answer of "We've both made our choices; understanding isn't necessary.  Only acceptance."  In her eyes, uNM was amazing.  Sure...to her.  I got the nasty version that she never got, & I was the only one in my FOO willing to fight when her vindictive streak threatened to harm pets/other people who weren't involved.  To her, the world is black & white.  Grey does not exist.  However, my other sister understands.  She's conflicted by this post, but also understands why I put it out there & supports me in this, although she wishes it wasn't out there.

To me, rewriting the narrative my parents have portrayed me as for so long was worth every ounce of this strife.  I have no regrets.

[MarriedFroggy88]

When I did, all I got was "stop playing the victim" and an assortment of belittling comments.
At least I got to say what I wanted to say, but now I feel shitty, so I'm not sure it was worth it.
All I can say is that I got to see the real them and what they really think of me. And that's something I definitely don't need in my life.

[moglow]

LittlePaw, I thought to provide you an update for what it's worth - situation recently arose where mother needed and my brother was able to offer some help. Afterwards she pushed for what she "owes" him, his "price" was for her to make amends with me and youngest brother. When she demanded "proof" he shared his memories, things he saw and heard himself. She Lost It, still losing it. She's in complete denial and repeated over and over to him that *I* have supposedly been lying and carrying tales to my brothers, turning them against her, that she remembers none of that so it never happened. AND wanted to detail all the things I've supposedly done to her?? All this behind my back, for days - but she didn't stop there. Decided to drag others in [because that's what she does, divide and conquer], went to my other brothers and a cousin and THEY CONFIRMED IT ALL. Nope, in her mind it didn't happen, I'm lying and a horrible terrible for THEM confronting her.

I'm not sure of her original goal, but pretty sure it wasn't in her plan for anyone to ever dare tell her she was wrong either. She's burning bridges right, left and up the middle. Total scorched earth policy in progress. Just know, it can happen. Never underestimate an angry parent. It doesn't always end well, but it'll end if you let it.

[easterncappy]

I have tried to confront my mother repeatedly since I was in my late teens. No contact was the last resort after she crossed a serious line that I repeatedly told her to not cross. It was clear she was never going to respect my boundaries, so I went no contact. A death in the family forced me to have to talk to at least someone in the family, who I later found out was recruited by my mother as a flying monkey, and the crap they were regurgitating at me indicated that my mom did not learn a single thing while we were no contact.

They don't change. I'm sure you could dig up my posts asking the same question. And dozens of others asking the same question by dozens of other members. The possibility of a person with a personality disorder actually seeking help and making meaningful changes through therapy and apologizing to you is so unlikely that it's best not to plan around it. It's theoretically possible, but I've never seen it happen in any of the circles I've been in, so please just don't count on it. More than likely they will just get more abusive when confronted.

[wisingup]

Hi LittlePaw - I'm a little late to this thread but I thought I'd share my experience.  My brother and I confronted my mother together several years ago, then I've called her out on some incidents of terrible behavior since then all with the same result.  She freaks out in anger / terror at being called out, then pulls out every tool in her toolbox to deflect responsibility.

• I never did any of those things
• If I did, I don't do them anymore
• You do those things to me
• You're too sensitive
• I had a terrible childhood & people should be nicer to me
• If you're so concerned with my behavior, why don't you ask if something's wrong & I need help?
• You don't spend enough time with me or help me enough

I truly thought prior to the first confrontation that she would be eager to hear how she could fix the relationship & she would make the effort & we'd all go merrily onward. 

The whole thing just wrecks me.  I was, and still am, blown away when she lies to my face about incidents that we all were part of.  And then rages when we tell her that our relationship is poor because of her rages.  But this is how its gone for many of us here.  You might not believe your own parent capable of this until you see it for yourself.

Since you are already mostly NC though, you might choose to spare yourself this traumatic experience.  It's up to you whether you feel it would benefit you to have your say.  I do get some feeling of strength that I finally did say what I honestly felt.