Dad got lost finding restaurant, blamed me, do I even reply?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I am VVVLC with elderly PD parents. Their golden child was out of town on Easter Sunday. I knew they were alone. I had made reservations at a restaurant for brunch that day, so I invited them. I figured a couple of hours in a public place would be tolerable. My dad called that morning saying mom was not feeling well, so they were not going be joining us. I felt relieved, and said I would see them some other time, and went ahead and enjoyed the day.

Two days passed and then last night my dad called. I let it go to voicemail. When I listened, he said he was sorry they could not make brunch with us, but he did drive down the road where the restaurant was located two times that day and could never find it. Apparently, they changed their mind and never told me. My parents have not been to that specific restaurant, but it is on a familiar road across the street from a place we have been many times. I know my parents are old, but it is a small street and I think it is reasonable they would have been able to locate it.

The tone of my dad's voice was so familiar. It was flat, monotone, deliberate and slow. I know he has a pattern where there is a triggering event. He will do nothing outwardly, but he stews on it for a few days and his anger grows to a boiling point, then he off loads in rage at someone. It is not always yelling, but it is disdain and anger. I have been on the receiving end of this my whole life, and I just heard it again.

I think my dad got frustrated and angry he could not find the place, but his limitation was turned into my fault. I could have let them sit alone in their house on Easter, but now there is just one more example of how I cannot do anything right by them. Is this typical PD behavior? My parents are old and I feel like this is sort of pitiful. My question is, how would you reply?  I do not want to say I am sorry or issue the non-apology of I am sorry he could not find it. I am actually thinking of not acknowledging his message at all. Eventually we will speak, and if he brings it up, I may just say some neutral observation like they really tried hard to find the place. Thanks. 

[wisingup]

Blueberry Pancakes - this is such a familiar dynamic to me.  My mom did this to me as a kid.  It was before cell phones, so if I wanted to go to a friend's house I had to call & get directions.  If the directions weren't perfect (and with two kids who don't drive giving each other directions - they usually weren't!) then she would get upset and frustrated and yell at me.  She did it as recently as 4-5 years ago when we invited her to meet us at a restaurant & she had trouble locating it, now in the era of Google Maps.

It is terribly childish behavior & your dad is using you as an outlet for his own frustration, unconcerned with the effect it will have on your emotional state.  Normal people would have stopped & looked up directions, or calmly given you a call to help them find it. 

I figured a couple of hours in a public place would be tolerable

Apparently not!  They didn't even come & it caused you strife & anxiety.  Just the fact that they said they weren't coming, but then did is strange.  What if you were already seated at a table too small for 2 more people?  Are the wait staff expected to move you & re-clean a whole table?

[moglow]

Honestly? Don't address it. He'd already told you they couldn't make it and you continued on with your day, as you should. Supposedly mom wasn't feeling well, it wasn't because they couldn't find the restaurant. [And yes, they show up unexpected on a busy day and restaurant staff expected to accommodate them last minute? Yeah that'd go over well.] Changing the story wouldn't sit well with me. This sounds more like someone inventing a problem or redirecting their anger/frustration to dump on you. Their choices are Not.Your.Stuff.

At best if he brings it up later, respond with "I'm sorry to hear mom's not feeling well! I hope today's a better day."

[moglow]

I suspect they know they were wrong and let you down, now back tracking and blame shifting onto you so they feel all better. That's fine, they can do what they need to do and be well in it. You don't have to take on their stuff, whatever it may be. You invited and they found they were unable to make it. That's their stuff.

[moglow]

Yeah me again, sharing one of mine - years ago mommie dearest was invited to my brother's for holiday dinner. She was all excited right up to the day/evening before, planning what she was bringing etc. Morning of, she arrived in our town around 9-930 ish [for a dinner invitation??], apparently drove around for hours then melted all the way down and went back home. She called as we were putting dinner on the table, lied claiming car trouble. She drove by the house, didn't stop, didn't knock or ring doorbell, but whined that the house was all closed down - they had no idea she was in town much less hours early.

Later she claimed she didn't know what time we were gathering, and brought up a dumpster of ancient issues that had nothing to do with anything. Blamed him for all manner of foolishness even though he'd not even spoken to her since the invitation. It was all invented out of thin air and her anxieties and the voices she chose to listen to. I distinctly remember the look on my brother's face and him saying "this will never happen again." Then she left a snarly message weeks later bitching about "him giving her silent treatment" - it didn't end well. As far as I know he makes polite holiday and birthday texts since, he had not seen her in a good while then and hasn't since.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Wisingup and Moglow. 

Wisingup - It helps to know others experience similar dynamics. Yes, childish behavior is on full display. I like your comment about a normal behavior where someone would just stop and look up directions or call to ask for help. A quick and simple solution can be applied where they can handle the situation themselves and all ends well, but instead they whip up drama and lay blame. 
   
Moglow -  Thank you for sharing your own story about similar situations. Things they invent out of thin air, voices they chose to listen to, and it not being my (our) stuff is also very good. Making a problem where there is none and blaming you, ugh! I am so exhausted from it and I did not even see them. I feel like your brother may have in not wanting to extend an invite again, and I know they will never see they behaved in any unwanted manner. Thanks. 

[notrightinthehead]

I would ask myself - what do I want to achieve by addressing the issue with dad? When you were younger it might have helped to get it over with faster, but now you are no longer in his control.  Allow him to feel his frustration and blow up over someone who lets him do it. You are no longer available for this. Of course you were triggered by his voice note but you can calm yourself down, then forget about this message and next time you speak not address the issue. If he brings it up you respond as you planned.  He is allowed to feel frustrated.  Just not your responsibility anymore.

[Andeza]

Eh yeah, feels like a fishing expedition. Fishing for some conflict or some fawning specifically. Before I went no contact I got a point with my uBPDm where I just didn't respond to anything "weird" like this. I completely ignored it and only responded to normal stuff.

[Cat of the Canals]

I read something that stuck with me years ago, about how children raised in abusive/traumatic environments are trained to respond to subtext. We become experts at responding to things that are never said/only hinted at in the vaguest way. There was further suggestion that you begin to curb that urge and start making people say it out loud if they want something.

I think that's what's happening here. Your dad is dropping hints that you've got something to apologize for. It's already a nonsense situation (surely he's capable of looking up a map online?) made even more absurd by the fact that he doesn't even have the balls to just say, "I'm kind of annoyed we couldn't find the place. Instead he kind of hems and haws and beats around the bush and hopes you'll drop to your knees and beg forgiveness. Please.

So yes. Ignore him. If he has something to say, he'll have to figure out how to use his words like a grown up. And then you can hang up on him, because this is NOT your problem.

[Pepin]

I think my dad got frustrated and angry he could not find the place, but his limitation was turned into my fault.

Failing to accept responsibility for their own role is PD behavior.  Immaturity at its finest.  The entire situation has zero to do with you and if he brings it up in the future just brush it off and say: bummer that happened.  And then change the subject.  If he wants to talk about it more after you have changed the subject then it's, "oh look at the time, gotta go, byeeeee." 

I've been incredibly let down by generally all the parental elders in my life.  I mistakenly had the expectation that they would age with grace and impart wisdom.  But, no.  PDs roll backward, becoming more immature with each day.   

[SonofThunder]

I suspect they know they were wrong and let you down, now back tracking and blame shifting onto you so they feel all better. That's fine, they can do what they need to do and be well in it. You don't have to take on their stuff, whatever it may be. You invited and they found they were unable to make it. That's their stuff.

+1

SoT

[Call Me Cordelia]

"The tone of my dad's voice was so familiar. It was flat, monotone, deliberate and slow. I know he has a pattern where there is a triggering event. He will do nothing outwardly, but he stews on it for a few days and his anger grows to a boiling point, then he off loads in rage at someone. It is not always yelling, but it is disdain and anger. I have been on the receiving end of this my whole life, and I just heard it again."

Yeah, this is familiar to me as well. In the case of my parents the stewing can go on for years. And the imagined slight or thing I did wrong grows to enormous proportions in the interim. In my experience, you cannot placate this sort of beast. Groveling reinforces he was RIGHT. And makes him smug and self-righteous. Ignoring or failing to take responsibility puts salt in the wound and gives him more to stew over.

Holidays and food were always major trigger points. Add in OCPD and there being only one "right" way to do something, which may never be explicitly expressed but I ought to know regardless what was expected. There was a built up expectation that it would be a magical day of perfect narcissistic supply, and when that didn't happen the disappointment was my fault.

My mother was the henchman, generally, who communicated His Majesty's displeasure. He would sulk and stew. But she had that slow, deliberate way of communicating that I. Had. Failed. And I should have known that. She's only telling me now because I had furthermore failed to make proper amends up till this point so she is giving me an opportunity to grovel before it's too late.

This kind of scenario was my "last straw." They had sat on their displeasure with our Christmas Day for a year, then mother announced they would not be attending that year. In November. Because they had been so famished, after my literal buffet to which they contributed not a damn thing, they had eaten gas station food on the way home for their Christmas dinner. This was complete news to me. Although both my sisters knew all about it. In fact, I had been told not to make any extraordinary effort, they didn't expect meat and potatoes. That was of course exactly what they had expected. But I chose not to bite because we were having brunch a couple of hours before their arrival, and I didn't choose to revolve our whole day around their two hour visit which was timed exactly to make no sense to serve a huge meal. I still responded to the subtext and made PLENTY. Absurdly so. But not the "proper" Christmas dinner. Which they said they didn't want. The story changes. Your mother wasn't feeling well, so they stayed home. But then they couldn't find the place. Why were they looking if they weren't coming? It makes no damn sense. Not yours to fix. In my opinion you and I were both set up to fail. They need a scapegoat. Reality isn't going to stop them from claiming one.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Wow, thank you for replying Notright, Andeza, Cat, Pepin, SoT and Cordelia.

Everything you said makes total sense. The scapegoat being good at reading sub-text strikes a chord. Also, the fishing expedition for fawning, seeing they will find some way for me be the scapegoat and blame-shifting - I think it is all there. Seeing it as "theirs" and not "mine" helps detach from it. I am seeing that no matter how old my parents get, they always will just keep doing this. They don't outgrow it, obtain new life skills, or gain wisdom. 

[moglow]

Normal people would have stopped & looked up directions, or calmly given you a call to help them find it.

WAIT A MINUTE!! Why didn't they do exactly this if they supposedly couldn't find the place, call and say "mom's feeling better and we'd like to join you. Where's that restaurant again?" No, drive around and get all mad because that's somehow your fault. SO mommie dearest of them! 

The snarky person in my head says "I must have missed your call - we'd have met you outside, directed you in etc. Oh. You didn't call? I'm not sure why you're upset with me?" I'm kinda done tippy toeing through it with mine. Either be nice or be gone, just refusing to take on shizz that's simply not mine.

[SonofThunder]

Normal people would have stopped & looked up directions, or calmly given you a call to help them find it.

WAIT A MINUTE!! Why didn't they do exactly this if they supposedly couldn't find the place, call and say "mom's feeling better and we'd like to join you. Where's that restaurant again?" No, drive around and get all mad because that's somehow your fault. SO mommie dearest of them! 

Moglow, im still putting my money down on your previous post sentence:

"I suspect they know they were wrong and let you down, now back tracking and blame shifting onto you so they feel all better."

Blueberry wrote these sentences:

"My dad called that morning saying mom was not feeling well"

"...he did drive down the road where the restaurant was located two times that day and could never find it"

"Their golden child was out of town on Easter Sunday". (that day)

Imo, if Mom was truthfully sick, why drive down the road at all?  My bets are they used a sick excuse, because of how GC would feel about the brunch and/or not be present at the brunch, and then had some angst. Instead of an apology to Blueberry, they 'smoke-screened' the truth by fabricating a really lame lie and trying to blame Blueberry.  Again, this is what I call 'smoke-screening'.  Its not a term here at Out of the FOG, but its my own term to describe a flipped-script drama diversion, as the subject is different, and its intent is to hide truth. Projection is same-subject, flipped script.  Imo both projection and smoke-screening are manipulation and gaslighting. 

Smoke-screening has been such a common occurrence both with my uPDfather and STBX. Whenever drama occurs out of nowhere, I ask myself "is this projection or smoke-screening?".  If its projection, the plot is obvious because its same subject, flipped onto the non. If it's smoke-screening, the plot is devious and covert, because the PD is creating the diversion on a different subject, to hide a truth about themselves or something they have done. 

I really dive into investigating smoke-screens to find truth, but I do not reveal my findings.  I add them to my collection of known-data to better prepare and strengthen my hidden self-protective, toolbox battle-plans. Disclosing found truth is a JADE and PD's flip it to create more drama and circular arguments, denying it all and devaluing the non. 

Imo, using my own past experiences and Blueberry's initial post, my gambled guess is the knee jerk reaction to Blueberry's invite was for parents to first ponder GC's reaction to a Blueberry brunch, and made up the lie about mom being sick. Afterward, Blueberry's parents felt guilty (as Moglow stated) and didn't think the sick lie would hold up, so they used a smoke-screen diversion by making up another lie about driving, to try and nullify the sick excuse. Then flipped the entire brunch script, to blame Blueberry, to hide their initial concerns regarding GC not being in town.

If it were me, and I suspected smoke-screened drama to hide multiple lies, It would provide me ample motive for even more self-protection from there forward.  That exact thing (smoke-screening) is why I am now NC with my father.   

Im sorry you potentially experience this Blueberry, but in the end, I hope your these types of incidents serve to further protect yourself, using the gained knowledge and the toolbox. So sad that a generous invitation gets played in this way and in my experiences, it ends up being the last invite the PD's get from me, and steadily my interactions get reduced/NC'd because I deserve peace and they don't deserve my time and effort.

SoT

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you Moglow and SoT.  I could not quite understand why they never called me either. Something does not add up. I like the term "smoke screen". I think it may well apply here. I do not believe my mom was sick. Shenanigans were swirling. It does serve for added awareness on self-protection and deploying the Toolbox in the future. Thank you.

[lkdrymom]

I wouldn't respond at all.   Imagine how mad they would be in they did show up after they cancelled on you and there was no place for them at the table.  No matter how this ended you were going to be wrong.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

No matter how this ended you were going to be wrong.

Thank you. I agree. It would have been too easy for them to drive over, just sit there, and eat. I feel like there was an aspect of their Golden Child not being present, and they did not want a good occasion to occur without her. I am NC with her for a few years and it really steams them. I think they cannot reconcile that Scapegoat can do anything good. So, they turned it into how Blueberry just messed up.

[Boat Babe]

God forbid you should do something right BP and they have to thank you for it.  If it wasn't so painful and damaging it would be funny.  Sending hugs my dear.

[SonofThunder]

No matter how this ended you were going to be wrong.

I feel like there was an aspect of their Golden Child not being present, and they did not want a good occasion to occur without her.

I think they cannot reconcile that Scapegoat can do anything good. So, they turned it into how Blueberry just messed up.

My opinion is that a PD parent with a GC, 'parentifies' the GC.  Therefore the parent becomes hyper-focused on the GC's opinion of the parent, and the PD parent will act/react in whatever manner is necessary to keep a positive opinion from the GC. That will include lies, excuses, smoke-screening and other behaviors.  The PD parent then uses the passive, enabling, flying-monkey spouse as an accomplice in the behaviors to always remain in the good graces of the GC.   

I voice this opinion as a positive note to the (SG) scapegoats and (IC) invisible child, as imo, its actually more about the PD's focus on the GC and less about the perceived shortcomings of the SG and IC.  Imo, the SC's and IC's experience the results of the parents focus on the GC in a manner that feels like devaluation. 

I am the SC along with my GC older sibling.  He was an exceptional athlete and much better student.  A very handsome, tall young man, ahead of me by a couple years. He had a harem of girls following him throughout his high school years and he broke school records in every seasonal sport. My uNPDfather idealized my brother and sought to attach my brothers traits to himself, flirting with high school girls like a pervert and promoting himself as the foundation in which my brother's success was built upon.

Like you Blueberry, I could mostly do no right, unless my actions were rare-praised by the outside community, in which I was therefore praised by my uNPDf because my action's positive reflection on him.  I was forced into childhood activities that my uNPDf believed would produce good results, but because I was not the GC, my outcomes were judged always as a comparison to the GC and actually less about me or the true actions of my activity. 

In your brunch experience, my opinion is that the majority of what you experienced is the backwash of your mothers focus on the perceived opinion of the GC; even willingness to lie twice, recruit your father as a flying monkey to hide the lies, and then ultimately cover the lies by offloading (like normal) on the SG. 

In my own life, once I realized the PD, GC and SC roles and how they interact, it was such a good education that enabled relationship improvement with my brother, who was groomed as the GC, and strengthened my LC with my flying-monkey mother and eventual NC with my uNPDf.

As I stated earlier, I enjoy the investigation of smoke-screening, and sometimes in my investigation, outsiders end up becoming aware that my investigated stories don't align.  As I said, in proper toolbox adherence, I never reveal (JADE) my findings to the PD, but the PD can end up in their own created double-bind, when my investigation reveals misalignment. The PD ends up having to deal (on their own) with the misaligned stories, by others who were recruited into the lies without their knowledge (including the GC).  I do not investigate projection, because it is easier to understand. 

Therefore, my wish for you is that you can release the experience to being more about the GC and less about the SG, even though the amplified waves of the PD's lies and focus on the GC, crash up on your beach as well.

SoT