Hurting. Frustrated with a lifelong pattern & IDK what to do about it

[DaisyGirl77]

No idea where to put this so I'm putting it here.

In keeping with an old post, I speak a second language I call Elvish.  It comes with a very exclusionary, insular culture surrounding this language.  I do not fit this mold, so I've always been othered.  They love me when they need to use me, & hate me otherwise.

Same with my family.  They love me when I can do stuff for them, & hate me otherwise.  They've been emotionally, verbally, physically, & religiously abusive ever since I was a child.  EF was emotionally unavailable & checked out.  UNM played the primary role in the abuse.  Bragged about me in public, ripped me to shreds in private, then wondered why I was so quiet & never really opened up.  When I did, with tiny things like wanting to move to Utah once (for the scenery & change of pace), I was accused of wanting to be a Mormon simply because a singer I liked at the time was a Mormon & lived in Utah.  Then I was attacked for thinking Utah would be a nice place to live (aside from the religious aspect, since I'd abandoned organized religion at the time & was heavily agnostic).  But liberally used me as the bridge between the English-speaking world & the Elvish world.

I didn't have an actual friend until 6th grade.  Partly because of the othering due to the language I spoke, partly because my disability falls in this weird thing where I can pass for a person without this disability...until I can't & it smacks 'em full strength in the head, partly because I was a very chubby (Flubber), bookish child with large ears that stuck out like Dumbo...etc.  You get the idea.  Basically kids liked me when they could use me to learn words in my language & then I was dumped.  OR they manipulated me to trust them with a small secret that they'd then spread throughout the school to humiliate & embarrass me.  The friend I finally made in 6th grade took 2 years to bust down the defensive walls I'd built to protect myself from being hurt by people.

All of this is to say that I was an incredibly lonely kid until 6th grade because of all the rejection I got at school and at home.  Props to the teachers for seeing me and interacting with me cuz I otherwise wouldn't have gotten any.

This friend was the only person I allowed close to me until recently, when I made the conscious decision to live my life loud & share things that I never would've shared.  (Don't worry; I have boundaries & there are certain topics I won't discuss online.  But a lot of my stuff is pretty open.)  So with the help of therapy & such to put me back together again from uBPD eF's mother's abuse, this brings us to today.  Er, 2 years ago, rather.

I had a great friend group, finally.  A married cishet couple, 2 older women who have 20 years on me, & a friend my age.  I thought I'd found my FOC.  One of the older women chose to end the friendship with me (post is somewhere here; I really can't be bothered to link to it right now, TBH.).  Then it was the friend my age.  She & I started turning into our respective abusive parent (to her, I turned into her dad; for me, she turned into my uNM) & it became really toxic for both of us.  This ending was really abrupt.  Then the cishet couple...  I honestly don't know where we're at at this point.  They repeatedly told me I was family.  I felt like I was.  Like, they were my big brother & sister (2 years older than I am), & I love their 2 kids.  I spent so much time at their house.  But they were unresponsive with all texts I sent them, even ones I needed answers to.  So I reduced my contact with them to once every 3-4 months (sometimes longer) with a text saying something like "Hey, guys.  Just dropping a note to let you know I'm thinking of you & hope you're all doing okay."  Stuff like that, just so they'd know they were on my mind.  & then I had my head bitten off for no reason--wrong timing, I suppose--back in March & I responded by telling them I'd leave them alone & honor their preference to be uninterrupted in their bubble until otherwise.  All of these people were ones I thought I could trust with my life.  They haven't betrayed me like the people I knew, to my knowledge, so there's that.

& now to present day:  My senior cat had a partial seizure a couple weeks ago.  The vet had bloodwork done, but one panel came back rejected due to an insufficient sample.  Typically, it's no big deal, I've got this.  But!  Here's the damn rub:  My job was hacked with ransomware a couple weeks ago.  It caused catastrophic network failure that IT is still working to repair.  I'm out of a job until further notice.  I have no money coming in, except my PTO & then unemployment.  I have lots of bills to pay.  I don't have a car to just zip there & back.  I am BROKE.  & I JUST.  NEED.  A FUCKING.  BREAK.  Just a tiny bit of help.  I filled in my sisters on the vet's call.  Sis2 empathized & wished she could help but she has job & life conflicts that prevent her from doing so, & suggested asking Sis1 for transportation to the vet (quick appointment).  Sis1's response was to act dense & distant.  So I never bothered asking.  When she stonewalls like this, it's a damn waste of time.

But every single one of these people were perfectly willing to tap me & use me however they needed to use me.  I accepted 99% of the time simply because it's what you do for your friends.  At least, that's what I've always been told.  But the few times I've asked for help, I've had to figure things out on my own because they couldn't be bothered.

So I write this in tears.  Y'all, I'm so damn tired.  What is wrong with me?  What's this thing that people don't like?  Why do people not like me?  I think I'm a likeable person.  I mean, so many people have said so unprompted.  So why the hell do I just keep losing friends?  Why the hell do people not like helping me?  Why can't I just be able to tap into a friend group--hell, just have them offer to help me unprompted?  Why can't I just have friends that stick around?  & why am I not allowed any of this?  What's wrong with me?

Sending out teary hugs because I need reciprocal ones this deep in my feelings cup.  Thanks for listening.

& to try making this post less sad & depressing, here's a song I've been listening & crying to for the last hour:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Yxa13Bk_5Y (It's not sad, I swear.)

[escapingman]

Daisy, I really feel for you and I completely understand. I very recently got the light bulb moment that I am only good for my FOO is I do what they want me to do, if I ever ask for help it is either ignored or comes with strings attached. I have now gone through the worst year of my life, divorce, court case, social services, moving and all that on my own with my daughter - ZERO help what so ever.

I get it. Please don't be harsh on yourself. Reading your post it is clear you are a very kind and likeable person.

Cheer up, we are all her for you. I really hope you get your cat sorted and the rest of course.

 

[miffyxo]

Hi Daisy, thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this and for all the things you have gone through. I recently discovered through tapping into my parental trauma that you have to start with the trauma and grieve that, and learn to love yourself and realise that you can only control your own actions, not anyone else's. Only then once you put yourself as the sole person you can rely upon always can you start to build healthy relationships with others. By finally respecting myself and setting fair boundaries and putting myself just a little bit first over other people (they say keep 51% for yourself) and being my own voice of comfort I've started to build more healthy relationships with other people. Other people will always prioritise themselves and not be perfect, but that's okay as long as I'm kind to myself and live by my own morals im starting to find relationships that are good enough. —Sending hugs—

[notrightinthehead]

Sending you a big hug. You are not alone.   

[DaisyGirl77]

Thank you for responding, you guys.  I was clearly very triggered when I wrote my post.  Sis2 offered to bring me & my cat to the vet this Saturday; they were able to squeeze us in for the early afternoon, so there's that.  I know things will settle down; I just wish all the rest of it didn't happen.

Your words of comfort were a soothing balm to my aching spirit. *hugs*

[JenniferSmith]

Making and keeping healthy friendships as an adult is not easy. So many of us want to have friends that we can depend on, who support us, who will be there when we need them, but as I've now spent several decades as an adult, I see that it takes many variables to align properly for this type of relationship to happen. And even more for it to last over many years.

One of the best collection of writings on adult friendship I've come across is this blog. Scroll down and on the right side, you will see hundreds of articles there. I think the author brings a great deal of wisdom as well as research to the subject. She has an optimistic view of friendship and is realistic (IMO) in her approach to creating and cultivating it.

I would encourage you to read there, as well as the comments, as I think it will help you realize that this struggle isn't personal to you and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.  I've shared the blog here before as I know that those us who grew up in the types of families that bring us to such a forum need healthy guidance on relationships.

I look back at myself when I was younger and I see how much the impact of my FOO affected all of my relationships. When we have a history of so many important needs being unmet in our childhood, we can bring a level of expectation to our friendships that doesn't mesh with who the other person is or what their needs from our relationship are (which can often be different than ours even if both people value the friendship).

As painful as it is, I hope you can see this situation you're in as an opportunity to become more clear about yourself, your feelings and needs. Its a life-long journey, so we must be very patient with ourselves as we travel on the path of healing.

[Breadroll]

A late chime in - there is nothing wrong with you, you are absolutely fine  just the way you are.