Parents destroyed my room

[timothyhayes]

Hey everyone. It's been a while and things are still not great.

Here's some context about my situation: 32 (male) living with my parents due to a planned move up north. We had originally planned to move together, buy a plot of land, and then build on it. Two years ago, I met my girlfriend. She lives in the place we had planned to move to, but because of our relationship, I have been living in hell for two years.

My parents are very religious--pentecostal Christians. I work at a church, but I share 0 similarities in what I believe, versus what they believe. My girlfriend is not a Christian. She is divorced and we met when she was going through her separation. I love her and I want to spend my life with her.

My girlfriend visited a few months into our relationship and met my parents. From the beginning, they were weird towards her. They told me that she was giving them weird looks when I had turned my back and that she would purposely avoid my mother's gaze, but meet my fathers. They told me she was jealous of my relationship with them and wanted to ruin my ministry at the church. Also, my mother was texting my girlfriend after the first visit and got angry that she would take a day or two to respond, but she replied to me quickly.

This is when all the issues started. My mother screamed at me, knocked over bookcases, and would be beyond angry if I even mentioned my girlfriend. Because, to them, she had disrespected them and they didn't want me to be with a wh*re. Apparently, she is one, since we kissed before her divorce was final.

I kept all of their nasty comments away from her but she began to notice how they were acting. She sent birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and even some random tokens of her appreciation to them, all of which they ignored. If she doordashed something to them, they'd start screaming saying, "she's only doing this so you can see that she's sending us gifts!"

I've been stuck at the house, unfortunately. I have my own job, a car, my own bank account, phone, etc... but rent is so expensive I don't know if I can afford it. So, I've been going every 2-3 months out of town to meet my girlfriend. I don't tell my parents and if they ask, I lie. I tell them I'm meeting a friend. But this has caused them to want to know my location, where I'm going, what I'm doing, etc. My mother even asks me to text her when I make it to work so that she knows I made it safe. My job is 10 minutes from the house.

That brings us to the most recent incident. Two weeks ago, I told them I was staying at a friend's house over the weekend. Well, I drove up to my girlfriend and stayed with her. My parents googled my friend's house and then drove by it multiple times to check for my car. When they didn't find it, they called me the next morning screaming and asking where the hell I was. I lied through my teeth that I was with friends, but they went through my room and tore it up. Gifts and mementos from my girlfriend were ruined. I even have a picture of it all on the floor, because my mother sent it to me. It was a horrible day.

I stayed with my girlfriend for the whole weekend, but she got to see the extent of how insane my parents were. When I got home, they'd put my room back together but told me all of my clothes and whatnot had been boxed up the other day. My parents even went as far as threatening to call my pastor and get me fired. They also contacted an old worship pastor I knew to have him talk to me about my sinful ways.

My girlfriend is now upset with me because I'm continuing to stay with them. She wants me to break off the relationship because she doesn't see us going anywhere until it happens. My parents want me to break up with her because they hate her and will never accept her. To say I'm in between a rock and a hard place is an understatement.

I am deeply hurt by how my parents went through my room and tore up items from my girlfriend, but I can't seem to find the ability to leave them. I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared or maybe I'm just a coward. I love my girlfriend and I want her, but why can't I leave my parents? They aren't even sorry for what they did.

[Maxtrem]

Hi,

I wouldn't say you're a coward, in fact I don't think you should call yourself one. It's just not fair.

Your parents have an extreme hold on you and you've been conditioned to accept all this your whole life and it's not easy to get out of it.

They deliberately abuse you, knowing that there will be no consequences for them and that you will accept everything as they have always conditioned you to do.   

What they've done is not only totally disrespectful of you, it's downright mean. It's simply a lack of basic civic-mindedness on the part of people who think they can get away with anything to get their way. As you mentioned, they're not sorry, since in their twisted minds they've done nothing wrong.

One aspect that stands out in your story is their total lack of respect for you and absolute control. It's pure abuse.

In your story, there's a clear, objective statement. Your mother is jealous of your girlfriend and will do anything to damage your relationship.

Even if your current relationship with your girlfriend doesn't work out, it's highly likely that your mother will repeat the same scenario/strategy.

So you're faced with a choice: aspire to have your own family eventually, or stay with your mother for the rest of her life?

Now it's up to you to choose the option that will bring you the most happiness?

I'd also like to mention that it was your mother who created this dilemma. She created it knowing that she has a hold over you. By freeing your psyche from this hold (which I consider Machiavellian), you may find that the choice you make won't please your mother. 

[DaisyGirl77]

I might be a bit harsh or direct here but I want you to consider the points I'm making before you start bristling.  Chew all of this over.

You are over 30 years old.  Well into adulthood.  Yet you (for whatever reason) are accepting their trespasses into your room &, for all intents & purposes in this post only, are...accepting this as your due.  Why?  You're a full grown man.  Not a child.  You're not 6, afraid of Mommy & Daddy, hiding in your room.  You're not 16 either, having to submit to 24/7/365 location tracking because you might sneak off after curfew to go to a frat party & get wasted.  Again:  FULL GROWN ADULT here.

The rock & a hard place is of your own creation.  It is false.  You THINK you must choose.  In reality, your parents are choosing for you & you are thinking you must follow along, just as you've been your whole life.  Otherwise...what?  You'll bumble around?  Be confused?  Are you unable to handle feeding & clothing yourself & household chores?  What is stopping you from seeing yourself as a MAN, not a boy?  Because you're behaving as a child here, not an adult.  MASSIVE difference.

Your girlfriend is seeing this from you, & I GUARANTEE she's rethinking the relationship.  She KNOWS, right now, that if she continues down the road with you, with the plans you have together, she will be dealing with escalations in behavior from her in-laws, & a partner who has no spine to stand up to & protect her from his parents.  Is that what you want her to see?  Or do you want her to see AND KNOW that you will shield her from the world's nonsense--which happens to be your family's bullshit--& brook no apologies or accept their behavior as status quo & "helplessly" shrug your shoulders & go "IDK what to do, babe.  You know how they are."?

There is only so much turning of the cheek she can do before the cheeks hurt too badly for her to continue to accept their behavior & attacks to her.

What is your choice?  As it stands, you are not choosing.  By not choosing, you're making the choice to continue living as a child with his parents.  Your girlfriend will break it off eventually.  She doesn't want a child to care for.  She wants someone who she can see as her equal.  This is absolutely a test for you right now, & you have two choices:  Stand up to your parents, tell them their behavior is inexcusable & unacceptable, or stay silent & remain with your parents in silent, tacit support of their horrible behavior to your girlfriend.

If you choose the latter, I suggest you cut her loose.  It isn't fair to her to string her along if you know with this choice you will never follow through with your plans with her.  She needs to find someone else who can give her what she's looking for in a long-term partner.  By making this second choice, you make it clear to her that she will never be your priority in your life.  Your parents will.  I can tell you right now that your partner MUST be priority #1, not #2 or any further down the line.  No woman will accept anything other than being #1.

Additionally, consider the fact that you will be entangling finances with them by buying this magical property that's going to resolve all your problems.  I can 100% assure you that it will NOT.  In fact, this will escalate.  You will continue to stay in this new property because "Well, I sunk in X thousands of dollars & I own it" but...do you REALLY?  Or did you just hand over, say, $50,000 of your own money for your parents to buy this property & you have no rights to it, as in you're not on the deed, or the mortgage, or any of the other documents that support this claim in the future?  If you just coughed up 50 grand for them, what's gonna stop them from willing this property over to Betty Lou Smith over there at the grocery store because she smiled at them every time they shopped?  Or the local parish?  You're gonna be fucked.  You're gonna be entangled in some legal shit show for several years, if you choose to dispute their will after they die.

This is your future.  You need to do some serious thinking as to where you want your life to really go, NOT what you think your parents want or have planned for you.  If you're not in it already, you need therapy.  NOT from your parents' church, but from a licensed mental health practitioner that you have chosen, who has no ties to your parents or their church.  Make it EXPLICITLY CLEAR that they do NOT have permission to hand over your therapy records to your parents.  You are going to have to create a password, & you need to make it completely opposite who you are so they won't guess it.  Their behavior right now shows that they CAN & they WILL start stalking you & tracking down all your doctors & spread all kinds of lies about you to them.  (They already have, remember?  They've called your girlfriend a whore for kissing you once prior to her divorce being finalized.  I also remind you of the scene they made toward your girlfriend where they've made it clear they hate her for simply being your girlfriend.  Oh, & also being a whore & a divorced woman.  Lemme grab some pearls to clutch here.  *Le gasp!*)

You need to cultivate more places to go should things go tits up at home & you need a safe place to crash.  The more boundaries you institute, the more your parents will melt down & escalate their behavior.  Let me reiterate:  This behavior is NOT NORMAL.

Beware.  Be aware.  Be safe.

[walking on broken glass]

Timothy, I am really sorry for what you are going through. I agree with everything that Daisy wrote above. Please read it carefully and take some time to let everything sink in.

You are an adult even though your parents have managed to convince you that you are still a child. You are not! You have choices, you have freedom, if only you allow yourself to see this. I understand that it is hard to break free from an abusive situation that has been going on for years. But you have to try. The timing is excellent: you have the promise of a new life with your girlfriend, away from the abusive hold of your parents. This should give you the strength to gain your freedom.

First of all, move out of the house. If the rents are expensive, find one or two flatmates or move in with your girlfriend, if you are both ready for that. It is IMPERATIVE that you move out because it will make it much harder for your parents to control you. Staying with your parents keeps you trapped and perpetuates the abuse. The longer you stay with them, the harder it is to leave. It is like losing your sanity little by little. Preserve your sanity! Put actual, geographical distance between you and your parents, and then you will gradually work for your psychological distance.

Your parents need not know who you are dating and when you started dating. They shouldn't be in a position to know about when you first kissed and if she is divorced or not. They shouldn't have a say as to who you see and when you see them. You should protect your girlfriend not by hiding your relationship with your parents from her, but by being honest and ready to make her your priority. You say that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. But is it really so? One choice involves staying with your parents, telling them what they want to hear, gratifying them and accepting all their mind games and abuse - and of course eventually breaking up with your girlfriend. This choice involves you being a prisoner for the rest of your life, not being allowed to have friends or a girlfriend, and living in fear and under their control, as if you were a helpless child. The other choice is to stand up for yourself, remove yourself from an unhealthy and toxic situation, and gradually build a healthy relationship with your girlfriend and other people (I guarantee that your parents have poisoned more relationships than just this one). Doesn't the choice sound easier when put like that?

My advice for your first steps here would be:
a) Make a plan to move out WITHOUT SHARING IT with your parents. Living in a dark basement with mice would be better than your current situation. Until this happens, keep a low profile and don't engage in fights with them. If they find out you plan to move out, they will be more abusive and controlling and might succeed in scaring you and convincing you to stay.

b) Move out. Ask a friend to be with you when you collect your stuff because your parents will make trouble for you. Do not share your new address with your parents.

c) Meanwhile, look for a therapist that has no ties with the church or your parents. The therapy will support you in your healing journey, and will make you see the situation more clearly. Right now you are scared, feeling trapped and helpless. It does not have to be this way. Please believe me, there is a better life for you out there and it is in your hand to go out and live it. You have been indoctrinated to feel dependent and trapped. You will unlearn it.

Keep writing here. We are here to support you.

[walking on broken glass]

One more thing: even by the title of your post one can tell how trapped you are in this 'parents-child' mentality, instead of realizing you are a grown up with freedom to do whatever you want. 'Parents destroyed my room' does not make sense for a 30 year old adult. If you rent a room somewhere else, at least you will have your privacy and sanity, which you don't have in your current living situation. You've been there for way too long. Get out

[NarcKiddo]

I have my own job, a car, my own bank account, phone, etc... but rent is so expensive I don't know if I can afford it.

I remember your previous post about your circumstances.

My immediate question is why do you not know if you can afford rent? The obvious thing to do is to find out what you can afford, and what you might have to give up to enable you to afford at least something.

It may help your mindset if you stop thinking about "your room" and regard it instead as a room belonging to your parents which they permit you to occupy on their terms. They are charging you rent. It may not be monetary rent but it seems to me that the price you are paying to remain with your parents is way, way higher than it's worth.

Your parents have tied you to them psychologically. This is why you are struggling to break free. They have made you believe you cannot stand on your own two feet. They are not sorry because they do not care how you feel, it seems to me. They want you at home, in the place they have designated for you, behaving as they want you to behave. How you feel about all that is immaterial to them. This is a really horrible thing to have to process. It is particularly hard when such parents tell you they love you occasionally, and harder still when those parents believe they actually do love you.

I agree with all the previous posters who are advising you to get out, whatever it takes. You are stronger than you think - I guarantee it. The only power they have over you is the power you give them. What you give, you can take away. Take back your power.

I wish you all the very best in this grim situation. It is all very well for me and others to tell you you have strength and power but believe me, I know how it feels when you don't think you do. Taking the first step to freedom is the hardest. I hope for your sake you take that step, and you take it soon.

[moglow]

Timothy I know you've heard more than enough now, but my friend, you are an adult. They're treating you like a child (all the stalking/ checking up on you and demands for check-ins and even threatening your job???) And understandably -because it's how you were trained- you're responding like one.

Yes that is their house and there are certain expectations and courtesies while you live there. But THIS? It's all so incredibly disrespectful, all the way around.

My girlfriend is now upset with me because I'm continuing to stay with them. She wants me to break off the relationship because she doesn't see us going anywhere until it happens. My parents want me to break up with her because they hate her and will never accept her. To say I'm in between a rock and a hard place is an understatement.


I am deeply hurt by how my parents went through my room and tore up items from my girlfriend, but I can't seem to find the ability to leave them. I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared or maybe I'm just a coward. I love my girlfriend and I want her, but why can't I leave my parents? They aren't even sorry for what they did.

Well no they're not sorry. They feel entirely justified and they "have to keep you in line and what will people think," no doubt is the basis of that justification. Well. Now you know something else they will do. There are no limits other than those you impose.

Understand this isnt really about this lady or this relationship. I'm guessing this is the first time they've seen you truly pulling away and attempting to build your own life. This is about their need for absolute control and power over you. This is where I go back to: but you're 32 years old!!! And you're lying to Mom and dad like a teenager sneaking out the bedroom after bedtime.

What are you scared of? Think it through - will they get mad and throw down when you leave? They do it with you there. They'll tell others (gasp) that you have a girlfriend? They do it now. They'll threaten to or actually disinherit you? Guarantee they've said that already too. They attack your job? You find yourself another - hell you probably should anyway, if they have any access there.

Anything they do is on them, and not your responsibility. You don't have to explain or justify it to others, ever. I guarantee that if people around you know or find out, they'd be appalled and baffled at your parents behavior. You do not have to live this way. It's past time to find your inner adult and act like one.

Seriously, think through their possible reactions to you being the adult you are meant to be. Pull them out into the daylight and see them for what they are. What can they do really - more importantly, how do you respond going forward?

Do what you need to do to maintain peace while you get your big wheel in motion to get out of there. Don't ask opinions or tell them your plans. For the Lord's sake don't ask permission or think some big discussion is needed. You get everything in place and tell them when you move out. They do not get a key/access, and you don't have to give them an address or have them over. Don't give them names or numbers or any info into your personal life - no one is entitled to that information and they really can't force it.

But please, find the wherewithal to get out of there at least into a roommate situation or rental room until you're better established for more. Everybody has to start somewhere and Timothy, it's time for you.

[timothyhayes]

It may help your mindset if you stop thinking about "your room" and regard it instead as a room belonging to your parents which they permit you to occupy on their terms. They are charging you rent. It may not be monetary rent but it seems to me that the price you are paying to remain with your parents is way, way higher than it's worth.

This is spot on. And after taking yesterday and today to mull over this thread, I can see my situation differently. I'm surprised at how scared I am of my parents. Specifically my mother. I am still operating as a child and it's killing me. A good example is that I have to let them know what I'm doing (trip, outing, etc) and then I'm bombarded with a million questions about if I'm sneaking off to see "that girl". It's insane and I'm allowing it to continue. I'm 32 and not a child. I don't need for them to know everything I'm doing.

I know that I need to move out. I know that I will stay stuck in this vicious cycle if I don't do something about it. I have to break this, but god is it hard.

[walking on broken glass]

Realization is the first and the hardest step! And you have already done that. Once your eyes are open you cannot go blind again.

[lkdrymom]

I have to agree with Daisy.  You are a grown man so act like it.  I also agree with another poster who said by not choosing you are choosing...to remain a child and under your parent's thumb.  This is all on you to change. Nothing will change until you make it change.

[xredshoesx]

whatever you decide to do, please don't use this as a reason to jump off into a living together situation with your GF.  i speak this from someone who made that error.  in my area with several major universities, it's pretty common for someone to lease/ rent a room in a larger house.  maybe that would be a better option for you now, plus they are often rented by the term- another idea is to sublet from a student who is going home over the summer- i've done that with success too as a temporary living situation.

[DaisyGirl77]

I'm happy to hear you took some time to think things over before responding, Timothy, & you've had a viewpoint shift.  That's the first step!

whatever you decide to do, please don't use this as a reason to jump off into a living together situation with your GF.  i speak this from someone who made that error.  in my area with several major universities, it's pretty common for someone to lease/ rent a room in a larger house.  maybe that would be a better option for you now, plus they are often rented by the term- another idea is to sublet from a student who is going home over the summer- i've done that with success too as a temporary living situation.

I agree with this.  Living with other people & learning how to coexist without having the "authority figure" label attached to any of them is the way to go.  Jumping from your parents' home to your girlfriend's is going to be like jumping from the frying pan & into the fire.  Think of it this way:  Do you want to expose your girlfriend to even more traumatic experiences when your parents have a massive meltdown after you move out?  No.  You need space from them.  They're going to escalate to never before seen levels:  stalking, drive-bys, showing up because "we were in the neighborhood" (no, they weren't), calls at all hours of the night, etc., etc., etc.

Frankly, if you can, start moving things out of your space little by little.  Don't tell them you're moving until you're gone.  Don't tell them where you've gone, either.  The last thing you need is for them to start making your life hell with your new roomies because those roommates are going to kick you out before you're even settled due to their behavior.  Make sure your medical providers are changed to ones your parents have no claws in, or password protect your records when they call in asking for your appointment info if you can't.  Lock down your credit history so they can't ruin your credit by fraudulently opening credit cards in your name.  Make sure you have all your important paperwork offsite & somewhere secure, like a box inside a bank or something.  Give your job a heads up that your unhinged parents may try getting you fired (they have threatened to do so) & they can do whatever necessary steps to block their access to you.  "I don't know if they'll follow through on this threat, but given their history, I wouldn't put it past them.  I apologize for having to involve you in personal matters, but I need to take this seriously.  I love this company & my work here..." yadda yadda yadda.

Have your mail delivered to a PO box in a town you are NOT moving to (& NOT where your girlfriend lives either!) for at least a couple years.  You need to leave a false trail to protect yourself from them.  After this is done, open a new bank account in an entirely new bank unassociated with your parents so they can't try interfering with your finances.  Parents like yours will do anything & everything possible to keep you where you are, including destroying any semblance of a future you may have outside their home.

If it comes to extremes, prepare to change your phone number.  You may even need to trade in your car depending on how recognizable it is, or if they've memorized your plates or something.  Speak with the local police department in your current town & your new town & explain that you have some very difficult, excessively controlling (use "abusive" here if you need to) parents who will put in for a missing person's report on you if they can't reach you.  You are preemptively cutting them off at the pass by letting the department know that you are fine & you will reinstate contact with your parents when you're good & ready, & do not entertain their hysteria that you're "missing" because you are not.

If you're reading this & going, "My parents would NEVER!"  Well...did you think they'd behave as they did toward your girlfriend?  Did you think they'd escalate in their behavior when you started seeing her, demanding you provide your whereabouts & location tracking?  Do not underestimate them around you.  They are going to do anything & everything necessary to get you back under their control.  If they succeed, you'll be so far back in you'll never see daylight or freedom again.  If they threaten you with disinheritance, so what?  It's just money.  It's a small price to pay for complete freedom.  Remember this.

In some cases it's better to overreact than to underreact & thereby underestimate them.  I truly believe yours is one of those cases.

I hope you get the gist.  You have a lot of groundwork to do before you can get out & live your life as you want to live it.  There's no time like right now, with Black Friday & Cyber Monday sales going on, to take advantage of everything & start setting yourself up for the best possible opportunity to leave.  You'd probably find a decently sized storage unit discounted this weekend for your "slowly moving out" stage.

This is YOUR life.  You're the only one who gets to live it.  Take your power back, go find your wings, & fly.