Christmas gifts

[sunshine702]

I am at anxiety level 10 out of 10 as the days until Christmas click closer.  So I had a phone call with my Narc mom a few days ago.  One where she nastily said to me at the end a judgement about my dogs.  The thing that is most important to me in life.  But of course is different than her so seething judgement.  A bingo card answer in fact. 

She also stated "a box was coming". Christmas gifts.  You know the one two years ago she seethed that we shouldn't do.  It's just too much for her.  iN JUNE in my birthday phone call . Leaving me in tears after.

So now I have to send something.

Please below give me some medium chill ideas.  Gifts you've gotten or given that are fun, festive, easy.  I am 1000 percent aware that it will not be right.  With a Narc it never is.  Something I can put in A box tomorrow or buy from a website and lift the 100 Lb weight off my shoulders.    Something nice - one year I sent some closet castoffs of faux candles and things out of spite — She seethed years later!  Something impersonal. Last year I got her something from my new town but she just doesn't care about my things.   I have done FOOD gifts in the past - easy and lovingly made but she likes status stuff. 

You are a great group and I really get a lot from talking with you guys!!  Hopefully you can spark something for me

[moglow]

I was gonna say send a cheerful card and call it a day. Trying to tiptoe through the gifting minefield doesn't sound like something you really don't want to do. It's just too much for you, ya know. 🤷🏻

[Call Me Cordelia]

Was it Woman Interrupted of happy memory who said, "Fuck it, they get Hickory Farms?"They were all offended, but everyone else just said, "Can we please break open that cheese ball now?"

Take care of yourself, Sunshine. Your mother is not going to be happy. It's okay to disappoint her, especially if it's the outcome she's already decided on.

[sunshine702]

Lol I sent Hickory Farms two years ago.  I think that is what prompted the "Maybe we shouldn't exchange" when I think she might have taken my brother's exact same box that was sent to her ON HIS request when he was moving right then.

My husband thinks nothing is more impersonal than an Amazon gift card - it can go in our Christmas cards this year.  But I know that will offend her too as her small store competes with Amazon.  Uhug.

Or another gift card?  Look at the pretzel I have become

[sunshine702]

One year I sent the charity goat to a needy family "in their honor". My values are VASTLY different than hers.  She was PISSED about that too.  Lol.

Narcs want status items - something to make you feel small.  Charity goats are not exactly status.  That was well before I understood Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Looking back on it it is really accidentally funny now. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Charity goat, I love it. You can put all the expectations and disappointments into the gift of that goat and send it off far far away where it can actually do some good in the world.

I don't know, we have so freakin' much that we can't think of a stinkin' thing lacking. What's more high status than being able to provide for a complete stranger?

[xredshoesx]

 i agree 110% with call me cordelia- it's ok to send her nothing because she's already mad at you for whatever you are going to send anyways.


here's the thing- when a gift is given to you, you are not OBLIGATED to reciprocate.  i would just send her a thank you card.... or better yet, if you don't like what she sent you, send it back rewrapped.

my husband really tries to make a nice holiday for his family.  every year we get trapped in our own similar level of hell.  someone is always disappointed no matter how hard he tries to please them.   as this point i split the costs with him and keep it moving (my family and i don't celebrate. at. all) because i don't want the stress of being nice to ruin the things i love about the holiday (it's the only time we both have time off together, the snow, lights)

[sunshine702]

Angel side of me - get her a gift card to some high end store - Maybe Nordstroms.

Devil side of me.  Send her a Christmas card with endless pictures of the doggies this year.

Choices

[Happypants]

Angel side of me - get her a gift card to some high end store - Maybe Nordstroms.

Devil side of me.  Send her a Christmas card with endless pictures of the doggies this year.

Choices

Well, I'm sure we all have a devil and an angel inside of us      Doggy xmas card with a voucher inside!

[blunk]

Hickory Farms Gift Card...???

[moglow]

And there's this ...

here's the thing- when a gift is given to you, you are not OBLIGATED to reciprocate.  i would just send her a thank you card.... or better yet, if you don't like what she sent you, send it back rewrapped.

I kinda like the rewrapping gift and sending it back, whether you really like it or not! Remember that someone who's looking for a problem will always ALWAYS find one. It's the wrong size, wrong color, wrong flavor, wrong wrapping paper etc. Playing pretzel is just a waste of your time energy and money, and who needs that these days? Sounds like an exercise in futility. If you decide to send nothing, "you said we weren't doing gifts anymore. Hope you have a great day!"

And me being me, I'd enclose dog pics with Santa in whatever you send her or die trying. Maybe send pkg/card FROM the dogs. You are welcome.

 

[Sneezy]

So now I have to send something.

No you don't.  It's really not that unusual for parents, and older relatives, to send gifts down to the younger generations without receiving a gift in return.  Or maybe you just send a token gift.  You asked for suggestions, so I'll give you my go-to.  Earrings.  You can buy earrings on amazon that look pretty nice and come in a fancy box, but don't really cost all that much.  And the brand names are sometimes kind of obscure, so you can pretend they're from a new designer if that matters to your mom.

[bloomie]

sunshine702 - you know what I think your gift to your mother is? That you are still doing all you can to have some kind of connection with her at the holidays.

A text or message in a nice card saying something like: "Color me confused because you had previously stated no gift exchange between us. Since we all have so much, that really does work best for me. Merry Happy and all of that..."

And drop the rope and lean into the anxiety that has arisen in you over all of this and figure out what is at the bottom of it, because this is no way to go into a sacred and lovely season.

YOU get to determine what is best for your mental, emotional, and spiritual health over the holidays. Giving a gift to someone who is impossible to please, who changes the rules of the game putting you in a position to try and hit the ever moving target and 'please' them by finding just the right balance between prestigious and personal at the last minute no less, is a zero sum game my friend.

Part of my coming Out of the FOG is getting straight around what gifts actually are and honoring myself and others in the giving or not giving, receiving or not receiving. Giving spiteful gifts does not line up with my core values. Giving gifts to ungrateful, impossible to please people also does not line up with my core values. Allowing gift giving to become a battle ground between myself and anyone does not serve me, or anyone else, well.

Take a deep breathe and figure out what aligns with your own values, finances and such. And then... give or do not give, but do so in love or at least in the spirit of good will.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Listen to Bloomie, she's the kindest and wisest one of all of us on this thread.

[Leonor]

 

[sunshine702]

Yes I think I have settled on a bag of cookies and a Christmas card.  It is exactly what my beloved Scapegoat brother received and she will be comparing.

All my gifts including the goat were given out of authenticity.  I feel solid in that.  Me sharing a bit of my holiday joy.  I think that is why I was so hurt by the attacks surrounding this.

I have been watching some Ramani videos and am thinking about the JEALOUSY that underlies much of their interactions with me.  They can not and will not just be happy for me .  THEY need to be the one admired and praised and I will not go home to do that.  Never again.

I live now in a named destination town.  I work at a hotel where I can get them a $57 room.  Other resorts are $1000 a night.  Yet they can't seem to visit.  It's always "maybe in the (opposite season)". I really wanted to share with them my new fun place!  Just like my heart of gift giving.   I just figured it out.  They are jealous.  Not happy their daughter lives in named place and can come visit but JEALOUS.

That is it.  All my life it has been a competition - especially Christmas.  I need to stop playing. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

So relatable. Right down to living in a very visitable place and they refuse to visit. And when they did, refuse to do anything but sit at my house.

[bloomie]

Breathrough time Sunshine! You got to the bottom of it and figured out that you have had a kind and pure intention toward them that has been met with icky, rivalrous, jealous responses. BRAVO!!! 

[Happypants]

Listen to Bloomie, she's the kindest and wisest one of all of us on this thread.

This ^^

And apologies for my earlier response, it did come across as spiteful and unhelpful (guess who's triggered by complicated xmas present-giving  ).  With regards to the "doggy xmas card" part though, i hope you choose to be unapologetically YOU in whatever or however you choose to give regardless of what she thinks 

[sunshine702]

So I had a conversation regarding the holidays with an acquaintance.  We kind of related it to Thanksgiving and being vegetarian or vegan (he is - I was years back)  We both discussed strategies—  The first year I tried telling people and trying to explain.  Mistake— everyone embarrassingly fawned over me that I was starving because I would not eat the meat and it led to a lot of crappy defensive conversations about why I wouldn't eat the meat.  He related about the year he brought his own.  Also big mistake as it was seen as slightly offensive to the chef and he felt really in the way in the kitchen.  I told him about the year I just took the Turkey to not seem out of the ordinary then just cut it up and hid it under lettuce and put it in the trash at the end.  This was the best.

He says he just stays home and cooks a vegan meal for his family and tries to remember that that is the spirit of the holiday.  Meal and family.

That is sort of how I am trying to frame Christmas.  What is is REALLY about?..... How am I going to do that this year?