Feeling homesick

[Adria]

As I posted earlier, dh has been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer.  As of now, he is doing well.  Don't know what the future holds.  We left our home state nearly 20 years ago to get away from our narc families and all the smear campaigns.  I have two really close lifetime girlfriends there who keep telling me I should move back.  Dh and I are older and the familiarity sounds really good, especially with him being sick,  to be back by friends in our hometown.  Family, not so much. 

I'm very torn. I don't particularly like it where we are at, except my daughter and grandkids are here. That has been going quite well lately.

If we move back home, there will probably be a lot of drama again. And, if something happens to dh, I would be alone with no family at all.  Kind of scary, but I suppose I could move back down by daughter.

Anyway, any opinions would be appreciated. Maybe I'm grasping at straws.  

[blacksheep7]

Hi Adria,

Sorry to hear about your dh's cancer.   Good news that he is doing better.

I can understand your dilemma, what a difficult decision to make.  One way or the other, you will still be missing people you love.

I don't really have an answer but sometimes we make choices based on our feelings going through good or bad times thinking that it will make our situation better, make us happier.

You are looking at your options in a healthy way, not leaving out the possible outcomes in your  future life.  You are the one who has the answer, the pros and cons.


Keep us posted 

[Adria]

Thank you Blacksheep,
 
It seems every morning I wake up, I feel a different way.  There is probably no concrete answer.  I think maybe dh and I will visit our hometown this summer for a week or two, and see how we feel when we are there.  Either way, it feels unsettling.   

[blacksheep7]

Thank you Blacksheep,
 
It seems every morning I wake up, I feel a different way.  There is probably no concrete answer.  I think maybe dh and I will visit our hometown this summer for a week or two, and see how we feel when we are there.  Either way, it feels unsettling. 

It is a good idea that you visit your hometown this summer for a couple of weeks. You will be in the heart of the matter which will probably greatly influence your decision. Narcs do not change.

I  read your posts to see if you were nc, which you are. I see that your Foo gave you a real hard time, so sorry. In your case I can understand how your dilemma is a very difficult one.

I am nc 7 years now with widowed covert M living only 10 minutes away. I haven't had any hard times from my Foo even though I am nc with my sibs. I think that they don't know how to approach me but they respect my choice.

When I am in a situation where I'm not certain, I put it aside for a certain time and see if I still feel the same later on. An example was contacting one of my sibs which I miss dearly but with time I knew that it wouldn't be a good idea as long as M is still alive.

Time ables us to reflect, give us an answer. 

Hugs

[Adria]

So sorry that you are in a similar situation Blacksheep.  It is very difficult.  It seems like whenever dh and I do go back to visit, it's very unnerving because we get dirty looks from random people and get whispered about at restaurants.  The smear campaign was vicious and wide spread.  However, my older relatives are mostly deceased right now.  I even thought about moving to the next town over to stay out of the fray.  It tares at me.  It's exhausting.

[blacksheep7]

So sorry that you are in a similar situation Blacksheep.  It is very difficult.  It seems like whenever dh and I do go back to visit, it's very unnerving because we get dirty looks from random people and get whispered about at restaurants.  The smear campaign was vicious and wide spread.  However, my older relatives are mostly deceased right now.  I even thought about moving to the next town over to stay out of the fray.  It tares at me.  It's exhausting.

Oh gosh Adria   I see that your hometown is a small town, which means lots of gossip.

I know that it's easier said than done but try and put it aside until you go back. Breath........

Give us an update.
Take care

[DaisyGirl77]

I'm a perpetual spinster so I have no right to be in here, but I pop in every so often, lol.  Beggin' your pardon, folks.

As I posted earlier, dh has been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer.  As of now, he is doing well.  Don't know what the future holds.  We left our home state nearly 20 years ago to get away from our narc families and all the smear campaigns.  I have two really close lifetime girlfriends there who keep telling me I should move back.  Dh and I are older and the familiarity sounds really good, especially with him being sick,  to be back by friends in our hometown.  Family, not so much. 

I'm very torn. I don't particularly like it where we are at, except my daughter and grandkids are here. That has been going quite well lately.

If we move back home, there will probably be a lot of drama again. And, if something happens to dh, I would be alone with no family at all.  Kind of scary, but I suppose I could move back down by daughter.

Anyway, any opinions would be appreciated. Maybe I'm grasping at straws.  

My question to you is: Are you homesick for the people who are actually there, or are you homesick for the people you WISH you had there?  Are you missing the family you actually have, or the family you wish you had?

If it's the wishful daydreaming type, then I wouldn't go.  I'd stay put.  If you're still feeling the pull, move to a city nearby so you have the distance you'll need from the family you actually have.  (Bonus points if the city has great medical care centers for you both!)

Another suggestion:  Maybe you'll get some clarity if you do a pro/con list on paper.

[Adria]

Blacksheep,

Yes, my hometown is extremely small with gossip like a soap opera.  Talked to two of our friends up there who just moved to a town next door because of that same reason.  Actually, dh and I were on vacation some years ago and by chance ran into someone that I didn't know from my home town.  We got to talking and she said, "You are lucky to escape that seedy little town. Don't look back."  It felt like she was giving us a word way back then.

I will wait and see how we feel when we go back and visit.  My daughter always says, "Mom, remember, we only go for three days, otherwise it's trouble."  She's right.  Her and I went together last year for three days, and by that time, we were ready to head back out. 

I think the difference, now, is that dh is sick and I really miss my girlfriends.  Ya know, I have history with them and when we are together, it's like we never missed a beat. That part feels warm and safe.  The rest of it, not so much.

[Adria]

DaisyGirl,

Thank you so much for hopping on.

I guess I'm homesick for my two girlfriends, probably not enough to make a move for.  The families dh and I had were very destructive to us. don't miss them, and would not really want to run into them, however, we would be running into to them quite frequently, I am afraid. 

I think there is a lot of shame involved on my end because of the devastating lies my family told to cover for their own antics towards me.  So, when I run into cousins and aunts and uncles, I feel like I choke because they blame me for things I didn't do.  My family told everyone that I did all the ugly things that they actually perpetrated on me. 

I actually wrote a book to try to somewhat vindicate myself, but it didn't matter. Nobody called. Frankly, nobody cared.  They, I guess, just chose to listen to the juicy lies (More entertaining than the truth I guess).

This maybe wishful day dreaming. I don't know. I like your idea of a pros and con's list.

I clicked on your link to read your story. (I would love to read it), but I couldn't make it work. Maybe we can try again.

[DaisyGirl77]

DaisyGirl,

Thank you so much for hopping on.

I guess I'm homesick for my two girlfriends, probably not enough to make a move for.  The families dh and I had were very destructive to us. don't miss them, and would not really want to run into them, however, we would be running into to them quite frequently, I am afraid. 

I think there is a lot of shame involved on my end because of the devastating lies my family told to cover for their own antics towards me.  So, when I run into cousins and aunts and uncles, I feel like I choke because they blame me for things I didn't do.  My family told everyone that I did all the ugly things that they actually perpetrated on me. 

I actually wrote a book to try to somewhat vindicate myself, but it didn't matter. Nobody called. Frankly, nobody cared.  They, I guess, just chose to listen to the juicy lies (More entertaining than the truth I guess).

This maybe wishful day dreaming. I don't know. I like your idea of a pros and con's list.

I clicked on your link to read your story. (I would love to read it), but I couldn't make it work. Maybe we can try again.

Thanks for letting me know the link didn't work.  I ended up having to redo the post--all the activity I had pre-2019 on here is gone.  I'm very confused.  I must've missed something, lol.  Here's the new one:

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=95567.0

To me, it sounds like you're just missing your besties, not the town or the people in it.  Maybe encourage your girlfriends to move closer to you?  Would that be possible instead?

[Adria]

Oh my, DaisyGirl,

I read your story. I believe everything you've said. I'm so sorry.  The crazy making was off the charts, and came viciously from every direction, and you and your poor kitty were caught in the middle. Gosh! It seems like it took you forever to escape.  You are such a strong person to have the guts to go to shelters and craigslist to find an out.

That is what my first husband did to me with my family of origin. I know how you felt because I thought I was losing my mind while my mom smirked (I know the smirk) every time he threatened to beat me up with his eyes black like saucers.  My health deteriorated to the point where the doctors basically sent me home to die, and I wrote letters to my young children because I didn't think I was going to live. 

I don't know what is wrong with people.   And then, we spend the rest of our life trying to make sure that we are okay. It's sure not the life we thought we would have.  You seem like you have emerged with so much integrity and compassion. Nothing like what you received and were subjected to for so many years. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to post for me and to rewrite your story so I could read it. That really means a lot.  We have so much in common, I can't believe we are still standing along with many others here. 

I like what you said about maybe I'm just missing my besties.  I think that is true because the rest of what I would be facing if I move back would be pretty scary and exhausting. I've tried to get my girlfriends to move closer, but they are very enmeshed with their adult children and grandchildren and don't want to leave them. 

Maybe I'll have to be happy with visiting them once a year. I don't know.  Your thoughts and care mean so much to me.  

You have emerged a beautiful butterfly! Be very, very kind to yourself and don't forget to celebrate the beautiful person you have become despite your detractors. You are definitely the winner here.  Hugs, Adria

[DaisyGirl77]

Oh my, DaisyGirl,

I read your story. I believe everything you've said. I'm so sorry.  The crazy making was off the charts, and came viciously from every direction, and you and your poor kitty were caught in the middle. Gosh! It seems like it took you forever to escape.  You are such a strong person to have the guts to go to shelters and craigslist to find an out.

That is what my first husband did to me with my family of origin. I know how you felt because I thought I was losing my mind while my mom smirked (I know the smirk) every time he threatened to beat me up with his eyes black like saucers.  My health deteriorated to the point where the doctors basically sent me home to die, and I wrote letters to my young children because I didn't think I was going to live. 

I don't know what is wrong with people.   And then, we spend the rest of our life trying to make sure that we are okay. It's sure not the life we thought we would have.  You seem like you have emerged with so much integrity and compassion. Nothing like what you received and were subjected to for so many years. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to post for me and to rewrite your story so I could read it. That really means a lot.  We have so much in common, I can't believe we are still standing along with many others here. 

I like what you said about maybe I'm just missing my besties.  I think that is true because the rest of what I would be facing if I move back would be pretty scary and exhausting. I've tried to get my girlfriends to move closer, but they are very enmeshed with their adult children and grandchildren and don't want to leave them. 

Maybe I'll have to be happy with visiting them once a year. I don't know.  Your thoughts and care mean so much to me.  

You have emerged a beautiful butterfly! Be very, very kind to yourself and don't forget to celebrate the beautiful person you have become despite your detractors. You are definitely the winner here.  Hugs, Adria

Thank you, Adria.  You made me misty.   I'm glad you found your will to live & have made it this far.  So proud of you.  Thanks again.