Hyper sexual mother, is her behaviour an indication of a personality disorder?

[lilo8]

Hello everyone, I would appreciate any insight into this.

Some backstory: my dad is an alcoholic and has quite an aggressive personality, it doesn't take much for him to flip his switch. He has mellowed a bit with age but he is now unwell with kidney issues and early onset dementia as a result of him drinking to excess for over 35 years, and I am now a care giver for him which is having a big impact on my mental well-being.  My mom has some kind of mental illness, but I don't know what.

As a child she was extremely flirty and sexual towards men, I remember her picking me up from a friend's house and she was so blatantly flirting with my friend's dad in front of his wife. Everyone, including me, were watching shocked as she twirled her hair and giggled like a teenager towards this married man. The next day I was told by my friend that she wasn't allowed to play with me anymore (I wonder why...). Mom would have affairs when she was with my dad and one time when I was 11 I walked upstairs while at a friend's house and she was laying on the bed with my friend's dad . She planned to leave my dad for this man and moved me and my sibling to live in the middle of nowhere, I didn't see my dad for 6 months and he had a heart attack from the stress. The guy changed his mind and my parents got back together for a year and it was hell on earth. I was both of their therapists, they told me all about their marriage and the cheating and my mom told me how my dad abused her. As an adult this has had a profound impact on my mental health and ability to form healthy relationships with men, I always go for BPD and NPD individuals and end up being sexually and physically abused.

My mom lies a lot, she's very secretive and gets involved with sketchy men. When she decides to end it, she never does it properly and there were times my brother (starting when he was only 12) had to tell the men to back off. The last guy she got with was covered in tattoos, skin head, he only had about 5 teeth which were all black and rotting, banned from driving for life because of something that happened involving drugs and alcohol, had been to rehab yet when I met him he was carrying a crate of beer, 56 and still lived with his mother. Mom was all over him and when I was in another room I heard kissing sounds and felt like I was going to have a panic attack. It soon ended and she has been single since, but it causes me a lot of worry because this is a pattern she always goes for dodgy men and married men.

Her mother was the same and cheated on my grandfather, she came onto MY father while he was married to my mom. She also lies, exaggerates and can be very cold. My mom can be cold too, I remember as a child sobbing begging her to comfort and she would act like a statue (she hated when I'd cry and would always tell me off). I learnt to "swallow" my pain and self soothe from an early age.

Sorry this got long. I guess I needed to get this out, I have never told a soul about all of this before. What do you think about the hyper sexuality? Is this a personality disorder? I just don't understand why she is like this. I am quite close to her now but as a child and teenager we had a very rocky relationship. When I first became sexually actively she acted horribly towards me for some reason and was very judgemental (this was in my first relationship when I was 18). I would be grateful for any insight, thank you

Edit: forgot to say, she also struggles with depression and when she isn't taking her anti depressants she's like a different person. Mean, nasty and looks at me like she hates me.

[notrightinthehead]

Lilo8 I am so sorry you had to endure this as a child. What a crappy childhood! The way your mother behaved is neither normal nor healthy. I can't say why she behaved that way, might have been sexual abuse in her childhood, a histrionic personality disorder, or several other reasons. But she is not here asking for support. You are. And this has affected you deeply. Are you getting support in real life? How are you protecting yourself? What are you doing to heal from the abuse you suffered in your childhood? What makes you think you have to continue to endure her behavior?

[SonofThunder]

Hi lilo8,

I agree with NRITH about a crappy childhood!  Im so very sorry you have, and still do live with the abuse in your life.  I really like NRITH's statement:

"But she is not here asking for support. You are. And this has affected you deeply. Are you getting support in real life?"

+1

I am of the opinion that as a child of a PD parent who has abused me, I am not obligated to care for that parent in their aging, just because I am their biological child.  Imo it's time for you to just work on you. Im all for trying to understand what may be in disordered play with others, but only to assist me in my healing journey.  Just as NRITH also stated:

"How are you protecting yourself? What are you doing to heal from the abuse you suffered in your childhood?"

I want to suggest you camp out at the toolbox tab above and especially at:

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

As NRITH ended with, you can now spend your adult time and energies shielding yourself with self-protective boundaries and steadily move toward healing, not continuing to endure their chosen behaviors.  In the same vein, is it time you let your biological mother and father fully adult themselves on their own, even if they may suffer for their past and current choices, while you remove yourself from continuing to endure so you may focus on your future?

Im glad you are here with us on Out of the FOG.  You are surely not alone on your journey out. 

SoT

[NarcKiddo]

I couldn't say whether your mother has a PD. I can say that mine is an undiagnosed narcissist (my T has confirmed this but obviously can't diagnose someone she has not met.) I can also say that my mother displayed very similar hyper-sexualised behaviours.

Although it can help to understand and research ways to protect oneself if one can identify a PD in others, the main thing is that you protect yourself. What matters is not so much whether she has a PD and what that PD may be, but how her behaviour impacts on you and what steps you can take to stop the impact, or at least reduce it.

I wish you well.

[Defiantdaughter1]

I'm sorry for how your mom made you feel. It's understandable that you weren't happy with her behavior, especially when she wouldn't comfort you.

I think she learned the inappropriate sexual behavior from her own mother. Some people who are bipolar can be that way.

It's very complicated how some people are drawn to dysfunctional partners. I don't think anyone fully understands why.

[DaisyGirl77]

Hi, Lilo,

Hypersexuality can be a hallmark of a PD, or it could be she's bipolar.  I had a bipolar friend who is very hypersexual.  (She's diagnosed bipolar II, but I & several others think it's actually BPD she's got.)  I'm not a medical professional, so all I can do is suggest that you read up on borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, & possibly narcissistic personality disorder (since NPD usually combines in some way with many other PDs--they could be BPD with NPD traits, for example) & see what makes your bells go off for your mother.  There's a great breakdown of each one in the personality disorders tab at the top of the site.

If it's not a PD, but bipolar you think she's got, my question is:  How high are her highs (Is she manic?  Does she go on major shopping sprees despite having bills to pay?  Does she complain/worry a lot of not having enough money for certain things?  Does she go on self-destructive tangents, if it's not specifically shopping sprees?), how low are her lows (Does she speak of dying?  Does she wish to die?  How does she want to die?), & how long does each high/low shift last?  Another hallmark of bipolar (I & II) is pressurized speech:  They speak extremely fast, like they're in a rush to get it all out before something happens.  It's almost like their words run into each other (e.g., "Isawadog&itwasadorableandohIdidthis..."), there's no time or space to breathe, & you feel almost pushed into making a decision when you're not ready to do so.  This is a good breakdown of each bipolar type:  https://www.choosingtherapy.com/bipolar-i-vs-bipolar-ii/

Either way, I hope you're safe & you have help.

[j.banquo]

I think she learned the inappropriate sexual behavior from her own mother. Some people who are bipolar can be that way.

I have bipolar disorder, if it were that, it would be infrequent and obviously episodic, not a part of her regular behavior.

I can't diagnose her, but OP your story reminds me of my BPD ex-girlfriend.

[InvisibleDaughter]

My NPD Mom has always used her sexuality to control men. If you think about it, it's just another form of manipulation.

I notice my Mom was always on a mission to get a man when she was single. Maybe being single makes a narcissist feel unloved.