smear campaign that involves telling people I'm a narc

[bspaulding2000]

Hi, all. I'm new here and want to say first how much it helps me to read your posts and know I'm not alone. I'm struggling to get out of bed and each time I do, I'm overwhelmed with pain, sadness, anger, and hurt over my uNPD sis, who has turned my family against me and even managed to convince my mom's doctors and caregivers (she is memory care) that I am emotionally unstable. She's also convinced my younger sister of this--and despite my years of going above and beyond to research my mom's strange health conditions and advocate for her as someone with mild cognitive decline and a history of substance use. The result of it all is that the facility has made a rule that all communications go through my uNPD sister. Of course, each time she communicates, there are many jabs intertwined, both overt and passive aggressive. They've all ganged up against me (they being my two sisters, their spouses and kids, and my mom's caregivers) and have falsely accused me of so many hurtful things. It's all very confusing. I am in the thick of the FOG and don't know how to get out.

This has been going on my whole life to some degree. My older uNPD sister has always wanted to wipe my existence from the earth, it seems. She was scapegoated growing up and got to all kinds of trouble, both at school and outside of school. I was a grade behind and made straight As, excelled at the sport she loved, attended the college she wanted to attend (but she could not get in). She failed out of her first year of a private college but was diagnosed at that time with ADHD and put on medication. This enabled her to go back to and graduate college--and go on to start her own business and become really successful. I've always been so proud of her. She was the C student who ended up making millions and retiring in her late '40s. Good for her. Why does she have to come after me? I live in a different state and have tried to have a peaceful life away from all of her drama, yet she always finds a way to hurt me with her lies and manipulation. Currently she's accusing me of triangulating people involved in my mom's circle and telling my mom things that cause her a great deal of distress. That's how she got me banned from talking to anyone at the facility. Next, I may be banned from even talking to or visiting my mom. I called my uNPD sister out on something egregious from her past, which I know I'm not supposed to do. As my husband said, I dropped a nuclear bomb, ultimately giving them something else to twist and blame me for. I feel terrible for that.

My two amazing teen daughters come home from a beach trip tomorrow, after being gone for 5 days. I've spent those five days in deeper FOG than I've ever experienced. I want to be strong for them, for my husband, for myself. How do I find my way out? Thank you in advance for your support and advice.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did.
Have you checked out the Toolbox? Especially what to do and what not to do.

It sounds like you are mostly worried about your mother and would like to have an input into her care, and are denied such. On the other side, do you think your mother is well cared for?
You are far away, your sisters are taking care of her, is there any chance you could let that go and focus on your own and your family of choice's well being?

Your sister sounds like a really difficult person and she seems to not wish you well. Is there any way you could accept that and let it be?

You ask how to find a way Out of the FOG. I think you are already well on your way. You seem to see your situation quite clearly. Next step is to accept that you have no control over how others behave. That's a bitter pill to swallow. Good luck to you!

[bspaulding2000]

Thank you for saying that. I think you're right -- I am Out of the FOG mostly but struggling to accept what is right in front of me. One problem is that I've long known my older sister and mom likely fell along the spectrum of uNPD (especially my older sister), and I'm struggling to accept that my younger sister might also be more damaged than I had realized. She is an attorney who took over management of our family's estate after my dad died 8 years ago. At that time, she redid my mom's POAs and will and made herself and my older uNPD sister both medical and financial POAs for our mom. I was shocked to learn that I had been cut out, but they told me it's simply because I live in another state, while they are local. They also assured me time and again that the POAs are just formalities -- they would never use them against me. We are all equal in their eyes.

Except that hasn't been the case. They've made and continue to make decisions without me, including the decision to rent out my mom's house with all of her stuff still inside. I found out from my mom's neighbor. When I speak up, they basically tell me I'm paranoid. They ask why I don't trust them and ask for evidence. I provide evidence, and it's never good enough.

I'm emotionally depleted from these back and forth arguments. They just want me to drop it and tell me that I "don't know when to stop." Throughout it all, I've become suspicious that they have something to hide. They had always told me I could review the family finances at any point. Not that I've asked, they've tried every excuse in the book not to give me access, including things like: "Are you calling your own sisters crooks? We trust you. Why can't you trust us?" And on and on it goes.

At this point, I have every reason not to trust them. Why, then, do I feel so terribly guilty now that my younger sister, the attorney, has agreed to let me look at the family bank statements? She says I've "broken her emotionally with this constant bombardment." Am I really that terrible of a person? I don't think so, but the whole mess is a tangled web of confusion, and I'm beating myself up at the same time I'm trying to advocate for and defend my position. This sort of oxymoron describes my life. Why, if I know intellectually that what has happened is wrong, do I feel so much shame from my behavior? Why do I keep hearing in the back of my mind: "Maybe you're the real narcissist"? 

My teen daughters and husband don't understand why I can't just walk away and move on with my life. I tell them I want to, I'm trying to, but I can no longer do it alone and need help. The problem is, though, I'm losing hope that I'll ever feel better and break free from madness. Any suggestions and insights are appreciated. Thank you!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome, Bspaulding!  Can you clarify what it is that is keeping you hooked in?  Concern about your mother ... or do you feel she's being cared for well enough?  Your future inheritance?  A conflict re: wanting to stand up for yourself but feeling guilty when you do?  Feeling you've been unfairly treated and not wanting to just walk away and leave it like that?   What would a best outcome of all this back and forth you're doing with FOO look like?  What are you hoping to accomplish?

I've struggled with guilt over going LC with my FOO.  I think, in my case, it stems from growing up in the role of caretaker/ placater, always being forced to ignore my needs so I could tend to others' demands.  Being treated like you don't matter can lead to taking on that core belief about yourself.  Not letting guilt drive my decisions is helping me get used to a new normal which results in less guilt.

It's been essential for me to work with a therapist on this stuff, someone who understands PDs. She's helping me see why I do what I do, sorting out messes & stresses, supporting me in taking care of myself and relating well to others, and healing the old trauma.  I've got a ways to go, but it's worlds better since working with her.  Also, there are 12 Step groups that can provide free support like Alanon,  ACA & CoDA.

I hope we hear more from you.      (P.S., Narcissists don't tend to worry about whether they're a narcissist, so I wouldn't worry about that.)

[DaisyGirl77]

Hello, Bspaulding.  I was once in your shoes:  I was desperate to prove that I wasn't the crazy one, everyone else was.  All it did was harm me more.  I inadvertently drove it home to strangers that the real "crazies" were telling the truth.  I was so broken I couldn't see it.  All I could see was they were lying, & my self-respect & dignity wasn't going to let this slander go.  It was a really sick, twisted, power-battle-worthy merry-go-round that I was on & couldn't let go of.

It only stopped when I said, "Fine.  You want me to be the bad guy so badly?  Have at it.  I give up."  AND removed myself from the picture entirely.  That was when people began noticing the truth for themselves.

I've only had one apology (from my father).  Everyone else did not & have instead chosen to continue the lies.  But you need to make the choice to walk away.  These are the choices your sisters have made.  Your mom is in the middle.  You have to walk away before you make yourself insane with the crazymaking.

YOU are worth more than these people (FOO & medical professionals).  YOU need to focus on healing yourself so you can be present with your family.  It's time to prioritize yourself, not engaging in a sick white-knight complex where you save your mom from the big, bad sisters.  You can't.

I wish you luck.

[LemonLime]

Welcome, bspaulding2000.   We're so glad you're here.

I have an uPD older sib as well.  She sounds so much like yours.  She was scapegoated by mom as a kid.  I was "easy-going" and didn't cause trouble.  Apparently I will never be forgiven for that by my uPD sib.

I was a standout student and things came naturally to me.  I also worked hard at school and became a physician.  Sibling could have done any of that if she had wanted, but instead of trying and then possibly failing, she self-sabotaged her school and career in order that she not fail.  At least that's what I think.  Married early, quit things before they quit her.  She quit people before they could know her and quit her.

She, as your sib, also became very competent in a little business and lives abroad doing a very off-the-grid and off-the-beaten path life.  She doesn't make much money and has always been dependent on my parents for money.  But she seems to run a good business and doesn't require much in terms of material things.  She's a nature-lover, bohemian whose image is very anti-corporate.  Fine! Good!  We're proud of her accomplishments, just not proud of her need to pull everyone down so that she feels better about herself.

I've pulled away, while still maintaining a good relationship with my mom.   And as mom ages I get increasingly worried about mom's estate.  Sib has too much interest in the will, and she is a control freak.  She knows way more about mom's money than I do.

Ugh.  I don't need the money but I will be royally pissed if sib manages to somehow get more than half the estate someday. 

This is hard.  It's infuriating. And yet we must let go of what we can't control. 

I have found Jerry Wise on You Tube to be very helpful regarding these family systems.  He understands narcs.  He understands boundaries.  He's been more helpful that some therapists I've had and he's free.

Also I recommend the author Harper West.  She has a great article on the internet called "How Narcissistic Siblings are Created and How they Harm Their Siblings".  It was a chilling read.

You're here.  You have us.  So you will be OK.  I promise.
Keep posting.  This is a long game, with lots of ups and downs.

We get it.  We really do. You are not alone.