It continues.

[square]

I'm listening, folks.

Bloomie, I like your point about the safe haven. Hope to include this in a talk later if a talk is possible. Even if DD feels perfectly unlimited here, and I'm not certain she does, I expect to feel more productive and available in my own space. I can't know for sure, maybe I'll disappoint myself, but I expect I can play more games with her, plan more (free) outings, engage in seasonal decorations and traditions. And I think this would directly translate to more energy for her. She has coped with years of holing up in her room, and her room will continue to be an available safe space, but I see her desire to do at least a bit more.

H told her last night that no matter what, she still has two parents, and she can spend days with me and nights at home. Which was a reasonable proposal that fits her routine and comfort. But she felt that her ADHD would not allow her to switch back and forth, and I know switching gears is a problem there.

But I think I will point out some new routines she's been able to cope with and that others she could not cope with for other reasons not just because they were new. And that I expect to be able to have more energy for her, not less.

I made a doc appt for her for tomorrow. Hopefully we can stabilize her migraines. Her palpitations continue but with meds she can sleep now at least.

The housing folks are being slow about the paperwork, and frankly right now I'd like at least another day.

I don't know what I'll do but I've committed to not being rash about reversing course. Even if I feel I have no other choice I will not just fold but think about it.

I haven't bailed, to be clear. But I admit to being unsure. I'm still on course for these coordinates, though.

[Rebel13]

Hang in there square! Sending your daughter best wishes that she feels better and finds some ways to manage her struggles. Part of what I have been learning lately in therapy is how the stress of growing up with a PD parent can cause all kinds of health issues*. It's a lifelong process to unlearn that reactivity and find more productive ways to respond to stress. She may also be reacting physically to the fear of how your husband will react to your leaving -- which I completely understand and can relate to! And again, that's something she has to learn to manage, because that response will generalize from her relationship with your husband to other relationships and situations in her life. Ask me how I know. 

And despite her struggles -- you get to take care of yourself too. What lesson would your daughter take away from your changing course at this point? With you leaving, she is learning that it is OK to have self-respect and remove oneself from situations where one is being mistreated, even if other people have trouble with that. That is a good lesson, even if hard-won. She's also observing the nitty-gritty details of HOW to make an independent life, in the face of limited resources. Also a wonderful example you are setting for her. So give yourself credit for that!! And SAVE SQUARE.

* This is probably way more than you need to think about right now but I'm putting this here in case it helps someone else who's trying to figure out how to cope with the effects of childhood trauma on the nervous system and health. https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/understanding-the-stress-response

[square]

Thank you.

No opportunity to talk. Doubt there will be opportunity tomorrow either.

[SonofThunder]

Prayerfully thinking about you Square.  Proud of you my comrade.  Press on.  I agree with the other posters about DD overcoming her own unknowns.  This is new territory for you both. 

When I separated, it was an emotional wave for my adult son who is his mother's golden child. He knew that his uPD mother would turn to him for support of her as a victim, creating a double bind, as he desired to stay neutral and knew that staying neutral would be perceived as rejecting his mothers victimhood.  He was extremely stressed. 

Time does its magic though, and he worked hard at being neutrally supportive to us, by encouraging both of us to focus on our mental and physical health during the divorce vs him discussing divorce itself.

I will encourage your DD to have a firm boundary to not discuss divorce or the relationship and private life of either of her parents, but rather support both of you in your self-care of mental and physical health going forward.  That gives her a firm neutral platform in which to stand, and she can refuse to discuss anything otherwise. 

SoT

[square]

After a long time of following up and getting radio silence from them, I started suspecting they decided against giving me the unit (I don't technically qualify). But finally I got a call, unit is still mine, they offered move in on the 15th  and threw in the half month free! That really does help a lot.

I told H and he knows. Taking it well.

Have not been talking to DD about this. We talk all the time but she shuts down on this stuff. I decided she was coping by ignoring it and let her be. Will tell her tomorrow night or Saturday about this timeline, and will ask her if there is anything that would make this easier on her. Bribes aren't my thing but they are hers. If a bribe calms her down, I'll be providing it. (She doesn't manipulate with them, she just really does enjoy stuff enough it can change her mood. I can't relate, but fine.)

Going to start packing after telling DD. Move date depends on H and his friend who will help move. Maybe the 17th or 20th. No idea how hard the packing task will be but I can reassure myself that it's okay to have some stragglers as long as the furniture and most boxes get moved on the day.

No idea how I feel. Sad? Excited? I don't know.

I now have my doubts that H has a PD at all. He objectively has some type of mental illness but maybe he has a mood disorder and is a jerk. I don't know. Because he's taken this like a champ. Got really lucky.

I wish Future Square could just tell me if it'll work out okay, but life doesn't work that way. When I look at the budget one way, I think "this doesn't even come close to working." When I look at it another way, I think "I'm so close to maybe breaking even, and maybe I can figure out a tiny bit of income soon."

I asked what average utilities were in the building, and the estimate I got was one I liked - below what I budgeted for. Fingers crossed, especially since I have 20 years experience keeping the thermostat low.

[NBRiverGuy]

Because he's taken this like a champ. Got really lucky.

So far.

[bloomie]

square - so good to hear the confirmation of the place being yours! What a relief to hear your H has been taking this like a champ.

Your sensitivity to your DD has to be reassuring to her. I imagine the feelings will come when you are ready to process them.

Meanwhile, your kindness through it all is inspiring. And... I'm still cheering you on!

[square]

It didn't go well with DD. She shut down immediately. All she said was that she didn't plan to be at the apartment, ever, and walked out.

[NBRiverGuy]

It didn't go well with DD. She shut down immediately. All she said was that she didn't plan to be at the apartment, ever, and walked out.

I'm so sorry. I hate when people give me unsolicited advice, so instead I'll just share a personal anecdote.
When I was 19 years old, my mom told me that my father had been having an affair with another woman and that she and my dad had separated. I was so angry with my dad that I vowed never to see him or speak to him again. I held strong to my promise for about 6 months and then I slowly came around. By the time I had graduated from college, we had a good relationship and now it is as strong as it ever was. I don't know your DD, but I do know that the initial reaction to the shock of that news is not necessarily a final arrangement.

[square]

Yeah, I don't think it will be a final arrangement. But I'm sorry she's taking it so hard.

This sucks. A lot.

[NBRiverGuy]

Yes it does. No other way to put it. But there's a light up ahead.

[bloomie]

So hard, square. I am so sorry! 

[Rebel13]

Hang in there, square! The only thing that stays the same is change, right? I hope the move goes as smoothly as it can, and that your husband stays champ-y until you are in your own safe space.

[square]

She's saying she will not set foot there, she will not adjust, and she will drop out of school.

Nothing I say is making even a little difference. She's decided she will not be going along in any way.

I tried the nuclear option and offered her a budget to furnish her room - so she could feel comfortable. She basically told me to get stuffed.

[escapingman]

Square, remember this is her things and she is responsible for herself. I know it's hard as she is your daughter, but don't let it get to you. It's important you stay stable and carry on regardless. She will come around when she is ready.

My DD2 has told me similar things, she won't have a room in my house and she has nothing to do with my suburb(it's 10 minutes between old house and my new). DD2 is blaming me completely for the divorce, although she is not saying it, but she has been severely alienated. I still have hope fir her coming round one day, but until that day I have to carry on regardless and follow my path. So do you.

I am sending you lots of love and courage in these exciting but though times.

[SonofThunder]

Square, remember this is her things and she is responsible for herself. I know it's hard as she is your daughter, but don't let it get to you. It's important you stay stable and carry on regardless. She will come around when she is ready.
...
...
...
I am sending you lots of love and courage in these exciting but though times.

Square this is good life training for young adults. Imo, it will strengthen DD's own toolbox, which then is good parenting.

SoT

"It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings." - Ann Landers

[bloomie]

She's saying she will not set foot there, she will not adjust, and she will drop out of school.

Nothing I say is making even a little difference. She's decided she will not be going along in any way.

I tried the nuclear option and offered her a budget to furnish her room - so she could feel comfortable. She basically told me to get stuffed.

Gently, I would say to you that this is her choice and her life. This is her unique journey and she decides how she responds to these changes. And she may make choices that interrupt her forward momentum for a while.

Your DD has not lived your life. She has lived in the same home with you, but she has not lived your life and might never fully grasp the reasons you have needed to make this huge change.

What your DD does know is you. Your character, love, support and generosity to her. She knows you are trustworthy and stable, available and forgiving. You are safe. And you are creating a space for yourself and her that is peaceful and safe. She can come join you there when/if she is ready.

Stay the course!!! Wishing you warm winds in your sails as you keep putting one foot in front of the other!

[square]

I'm reading and rereading everything you guys are saying.

I have to sign by Thursday I think.

I'm still staying the course but I don't think I have ever in my life held such a weight. I feel like puking. I feel that whole body myalgia thing like I've been hit by a truck.

After her volley of texts to me last night, today she was slow to talk to me at all but we are back on pretending nothing is happening. Sigh. Do I want to talk to her? Yes. But there is no point. She is rigid and we won't get anywhere.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Reading along and here in solidarity with you Square! Yes, I agree, it appears that you've said all there is to say at this time. That's really okay. It took you how long to get to the point of making this change and accepting it was necessary. For your DD it's not her choice. Your allowing her to have her own feelings and responses and have it not be the determining factor in how you do what's best for you is such a good example, even though of course it feels horrible when someone you love is suffering. But it is Not Your Problem. You are there for her but honestly, I suspect it's a tough thing for children of any age, no matter the circumstances or how justified it is, to have their parents split up. She has the opportunity and ability to find other resources. And long term, you will be a more available support to her.

[SonofThunder]

I'm still staying the course but I don't think I have ever in my life held such a weight. I feel like puking. I feel that whole body myalgia thing like I've been hit by a truck.

I remember that feeling at the front end of walking out on my PDstbx after multiple decades of marriage. I am here to tell you Square, that for me, time is having its wonderful way of not only lessening that feeling steadily, but in its wake replacing it with better mental and physical health.

As Bloomie well wrote:

"Stay the course!!! Wishing you warm winds in your sails as you keep putting one foot in front of the other!"

SoT