It continues.

[MaxedOut]

And long term, you will be a more available support to her.

This is an important point.

I am sorry you are going through this with your daughter, Square.

[Rebel13]

I'm sorry too that you are struggling. Hoping you keep going and save square! Maybe this is an instance of you being what ChumpLady calls "the sane parent"? Your daughter knows she can get mad at you or express the displeasure and distress she feels, and you will still love her. That might not be the case with her dad. So you are taking the hit even though it's not fair and you don't deserve it. I hope you do what you would want her to do, if she were in your shoes.

[square]

As far as I can tell, I think this is an autism thing.

I could be wrong, but I'm not sure DD cares about the aspect of her parent's relationship. It's been so broken for so long. Normal for her is that her mom and dad do not speak, and that the rare interactions are very eggshelly.

What this is about is her routine and her familiar space.

I think it would have gone over better if the plan was for H to move out but for him to stop by after work every night to watch tv with her. I'm not saying that would have been totally a-ok with her but I really think she would have just dealt with it.

H offered to move out but I can't maintain the house anymore. I just can't.

And, I can see that mom moving out really changes the home. It'll feel emotionally different. Also my room will be empty and then it will change to something else (I'm guessing H will start a hoard) which she will hate.

I have fine arts prints hanging downstairs. They are important to me but I'm considering leaving them for a while to ease the transition. I'll bring the ones in my room and hang them in the common space in the apartment rather than in my new room.

DD feels very strongly about what places feel like home. It was significant when she adopted her grandmother's house as a second home, no small feat.

I unfortunately underestimated how my moving out would change her home. I figured she would be ok keeping her home and having a new second place. But now I see she is facing a kind of destruction of her home - not her parents but literally her physical home space. My room is a comfortable space for her and it'll be gone. Downstairs, a table will be gone, the plants, a lamp stand, half the dishes, eventually the framed prints. She HATES that kind of change.

And she might actually not ever accept the new place. Her grandmother's place was not foisted on her, she adopted it on her own timeline, and her home stayed unchanged.

In addition to the space, there's the routine. Her day goes a certain way and it's important to her. And I'm a large part of the day.

And I know for both DD and H, they find it comforting just to know I'm in the house.

[SonofThunder]

That makes sense Square.  I have ocd traits and when things become disorganized or confusing, it can create a kind of brain-fog.  My stbx knows this though and uses it as a weapon against me, even in the divorce process.

I like how you analyzed the situation and it does give you solid reasoning for the current scene.  Im guessing you also have experience history with DD that when the sediment of her stirred up waters finally settles to the bottom again, she comes back to a calmer emotional state? 

This change will settle into a new routine over time.

SoT

[SeaBreeze]

Hopeful for this new chapter in your life, while commiserating on the more bittersweet and challenging aspects of this change for you.

I was sick to my stomach the first few months after I left ex-uNPDh. It eventually settled down.

I was sort of on the opposite side of things as each of my three kids took turns leaving home, each of them expressing concern and guilt over leaving the rest of us behind in the battle zone with then-H. I had to really encourage them to get the heck out while they each had the chance and not put their own lives on hold. One left too young, one failed to launch several years, and one boomeranged a few times before I finally exited too. I had to acknowledge my role in our dysfunctional family system. But we are all in a better place now, literally and figuratively.

I would say to give your DD time while you put your own oxygen mask on first. She will know you have a safe space for her -- and that you will BE a safe space for her -- if and when she needs one. But you have to make a safe space for YOU first.

[MaxedOut]

That makes sense, Square. And as SeaBreeze mentions, it won't be a possible safe space until it is for you, which will take settling in and feeling her current home has renormalized, which will also take a bit and sounds like a necessary piece first.

I remember being torn about a grad school program years ago and sort of frozen in the pros and cons of the commitment of time, effort, and cost. As is the way, they would email each year when recruiting after I made an initial inquiry. I ended up applying and the decision actually was pretty easy one cycle. It was easy because I realized that while I was hemming and hawing, I could have already graduated as 2-3 years had passed. This seemingly big process commitment would have already been over.

From what you have posted previously, I think you know leaving is necessary for you, Square. The upheaval will happen no matter what. It will take whatever periods and processes of adjustments regardless. The three people involved will need to figure out their pathways regardless.

With your husband's wellness stalled or declining, I imagine it will not be easier for you or her down the road. Retreating from the plan only means two upheavals. And perhaps a worse one down the road if your husband is doing worse.

Or as they say "The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is now."

[square]

Feel like my life is a Jenga tower. 

Writing my previous post, and reading responses, has helped me clarify DD's perspective. I feel for her but I don't think like her so I was having trouble seeing her perspective.

I don't know if it will help but I spoke with my mom and my mom will be looking into ordering a rug and a chair as a gift. The rug would be the same one as at her house. And if she can find it, the chair would be the same one that is officially DD's chair at her house. So familiar and liked furnishings. It could help. Plan to just surprise DD with these if possible. Will take time of course.

DD asked earlier today when Thanksgiving was. Also asked to confirm the menu (same as always of course, which is what she wants). I worry she's not getting that TG is not going to be the same. I'm moving before then. We can have it at the house here if she wants but the dining room table will be gone. So I worry about this.

My friend arranged to deliver some boxes for me today. I didn't tell DD because she just seems to prefer to not talk about this. I worried if she would spiral again. She texted me from upstairs asking why the friend was here and I told her. She just replied "oh" and didn't freak out. A little progress maybe.

H is clearly under strain but is keeping it together. He is going to discuss a move date with his friend who will help. By coincidence I met the friend today at the store. It's crossed my mind that the friend probably doesn't think much of me, no idea how H describes me to him, but whatever, it's his friend and not my business or problem. But he was nice.

H texts me for necessary communication but has avoided me in person for at least a couple of weeks. I had to ask him something in person today and could see he was under strain. He was polite but clearly didn't want to engage. Understandable.

Still scared of the money stuff. Even just doing the barest minimum, I have to buy a bed for DD, a cheap futon, a washer and dryer, and then tons of little things that add up really fast to start a household (soaps, broom set, bathmat, strainer, probably silverware, and on and on). Deposit and rent. Truck rental and paying the friend. Just thousands and thousands of dollars from my already small remaining savings, that have to be enough to last 2.5-3 years for a budget I can't balance. I'm just going on faith that something will work out here, that it will come together in some way.

By the way, bloomie, what you said was helpful.

SoT, appreciate that you get it. And it sucks she weaponized the OCD. I've had to draw lines on OCD (with H) but can't imagine weaponizing it, ugh.

I can think of times where time calmed the stirred sediment. But also times where she could not cope even after months or years. As an example, she left high school. But I think in those cases there were ongoing unsolved issues. I'm not clear why she couldn't cope with school but there was at least some social toxicity. So my hope is that since the new apartment won't have inherent issues beyond it being a change (a big one, granted) that the sediment will settle. I hope.

SeaBreeze, I felt relieved to hear you had a boomerang and other variations. DD is 19 and is making strides but she is not ready to fly yet. Autism and other stuff. But definitely making progress. But also still simply not ready.

Maxed Out, great insights on timing. Very true.

[SonofThunder]

Square, you may perceive your life like a Jenga tower, but by your writing, you seem very alert, in-tune and well-analyzed; very sturdy.

You are turning unknowns to knowns daily while moving forward.  Well done!  Keep doing more of the same and time will do its revelation. Each day, each experience is like a drop of superglue on another block and over time, the loose blocks in the stower steady reduce. 

Eventually, all the pieces will be turned to knowns and your entire tower will be glued together...solid.  Keep up the good work!

SoT

[MaxedOut]

Things seem a bit like Jenga for me too right now. But, life together to me is more like trying to play Jenga, Operation (on edge, waiting for the jarring reaction), and the old Break the Ice game (with a once safe surface having more and more pieces hammered out) all at once. And you know you will not succeed with any of them.

[square]

Today is "jump off the cliff" day.

Sign the lease, pay the deposit, and contact the utilities.

I guess I have to do that pretty much right now.

I've been putting it off till the last minute in case I have some realization or new information comes to light.

But it's all the same. I can't stay. I don't know how it will affect DD. I have no clue how I'll financially survive. And I can't stay here.

So here goes. Stepping off the cliff.

[Rebel13]

I know you are going to fly!

[escapingman]

A m a z i n g!

Well done, you got this.

[NBRiverGuy]

Good vibes headed your way!

[notrightinthehead]

Wishing you all the luck you need!

[square]

I jumped.

[MaxedOut]

The unknown can be unnerving, but you know you can't stay. You are insightful and resourceful. You have already proven you are adaptable and a survivor, Square.

I am a tad more than a week out of ejector seat exiting. If I could give a few tips from today-me to last-week-me, they might be something like:
- It will be OK.
- Use box breathing and slower exhale breathing liberally.
- Everything doesn't actually need to happen right now.
- You won't realize just how much your body has, and is, going through stress and change - sleep, veg out.
- If you keep starting and not finishing several things, just stop (maybe take a bath, pick an easy one, relax a bit, connect with others).
- Don't worry about a real grocery trip (eating a few basics on repeat will be fine for now).
- Ditto clothes, setting up stuff, etc.
- Given your brain mush and nervous system calming needs, you'll want to watch TV (not usual for you); keep it simple like a series with several seasons or an antennae channel that runs the same show in sequence.
- Be discerning in responding to SO (Does this need a response? Does it need a response now/soon? Is this my side of the proverbial street? What kind of response is ok - an actual answer, an acknowledgement, a "get back to you when..."?).
- Use BIFF communications (brief, informative, friendly, firm) and judiciously use EAR language (empathy, attention, respect).
- It will be OK.
- You can weather the periods of extreme blaming/lashing out/expectations to prioritize their emotions (like before, it can't sustain in intensity).
- It will feel distressing but very different to get negative communications stuff once outside the relationship (it will be easier, it will highlight that this is the right path, it will not be your responsibility to fix it, and when not trying to soothe/fix things the power dynamic shifts).
- Time with parents.
- It will be ok.

[SonofThunder]

I jumped.

Yeeeesssssss!!  Well done my Out of the FOG comrade!!

SoT

[MaxedOut]

I jumped.

Woo-hoo!

[newlyawakened]

Well done! More power to you! Stay strong within to weather the coming storms and your ship will find calmer seas soon. For now you should take a moment to pat yourself and relax in the comfort that you have taken the biggest step.

[SeaBreeze]

Congrats on your leap forward!