An interesting but unlikely conundrum

[Associate of Daniel]

This is probably more for those of us who have been Out of the FOG and out of the abusive situations for a while.

If your pd/upd were to suddenly appear on your doorstep saying they want to apologise for all the years of abuse and harm they caused, how would you react?

I was asking this of myself this morning.  I immediately felt sick to my stomach at the thought of having any interaction with them at all.  Besides that though, I'm not sure which way I'd go with it.

My natural response would be to ask what, specifically, they were apologising for.  But that then gives them the platform they always crave and another opportunity to abuse me.

So my other response would be that I don't want to hear it and to walk away.

If they are truly repentant they would show it in their behaviour (over several years!).  But if I don't have any interaction with them at all, I won't know if they had changed or not.

Then, in the end, it doesn't matter as, repentant or not, I want nothing to do with them.  I don't want to see, hear, smell them.  I don't want to know anything of them at all, although I would be happy to hear that uNPD exH is healthy and well mentally.  Experience tells me to not trust them as far as I can throw them, and my life is far better without them in it.

Anyway, it's just a random thought.  I know that many pds do "apologise" with fauxpologies and quickly return to their usual destructive behaviours.  My uNPD exH never has, and I don't expect he ever will.  His uNPD wife has a few times made a fauxpology for the smallest of infractions, never the bigger, overall destruction she's caused.  I doubt she ever will.

AOD 

[DaisyGirl77]

Oof.  I actually had something like that happen a couple months ago.  Sis2 had texted me one day saying she had a random question for me, then sidelined it for something else, "Oh, I have a question for you.  Oh wait, [pressing issue just happened]."  By the time afternoon rolled around this had happened so often that I'd completely forgotten she'd had a question, LOL.  Then she lowered the boom:  If uNPDM or I were to call each other, how would I like the conversation to go?

She'd forgotten to add the "hypothetically", but by the time she did it was too late.  I was in a massive meltdown, thinking she'd finally seen the light after 9 years of NC.  What she ended up with was word vomit from Inner Child Daisy for hours.  (I'm not kidding.  I woke up around 3 AM for the bathroom & sent a text with something else that occurred to me, lol.  But I finally was done after that.)  My emotional response blindsided me.  I'd gotten to a place where I was at peace with the way things are now, & had gotten into the mindset of getting my own approval instead of constantly seeking uNM's (imagined--"Would uNM be happy with X?" was a running thought for the first few years of NC).  That question revealed that I had more work to do, & that I'd be willing to hear her out.  I need answers.  I deserve answers.  Maybe via text or email first.  Then maybe a phone call.  It all depends on what she writes.

If anyone from my eF's family were to show up at my doorstep, I'd be calling the police & having them trespassed.  I'm not interested in their apologies.  The things they did were beyond the pale.  There is no reconciling for me.  They will need to find their own peace with their own god because I will never absolve them or forgive them for anything they did toward me.  This is the one thing that's remained constant for the past 11-13 years of NC (3 people on that side so there's spacing over when I went NC with each one).  I never want to see them again.

I hope this helps.

[square]

My thought is that I'd medium chill it and move right along. "Oh, well that is very kind of you to say." (Without throwing your heart into it.) And, "I've got to finish this thing so I can get to this other thing."

I think "leave me alone" is also perfectly valid. I just like how you can say something that can't be leveraged against you as well without putting any real emotion into it.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Well, since my boundary was no contact, if this were to happen they just blew it. Bye, Felicia.

[Rebel13]

My mom actually did apologize to me once, kind of, when I was in my 20s I think. I was emoting over yet another failed effed-up romantic relationship and I said something like, "You never saw or appreciated my good qualities." And she said, "No, I didn't when you were younger, but I do now. I really do." And I could tell by her tone that she meant it. (On second thought, that's not really an apology, is it?) And I said, petulantly, "Well, it doesn't matter now, I'm the one that has to deal with it."

Anyway, it didn't matter, because she continued being self-centered and immature for the intervening years, until I finally stopped contact almost two years ago now, after a big tantrum and a bunch of unnecessary drama. I had just had enough. Finally. She's the type that wants everyone to come to her, so she's only sent maybe one text and two cards since then. She makes herself pretty easy to ignore. I know she'll never apologize, because she doesn't even KNOW what she did, let alone think it was wrong. And, she lives on the other side of the country and can barely walk now. And I do have compassion for her, in a very theoretical and distanced way. So, I guess, in this hypothetical scenario, I'd just say, "OK, thanks, mom," and then close the door quietly. I've given up hope that there's anything anyone could do to fix that relationship.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Coming back, because you asked if they said THEY WANT to apologize, would you listen?

Well, dang it, that's about what they want. They want to apologize, eh? Well bless their hearts. I've actually been there with my MIL. She demanded to talk to me... so she could apologize. I said I would think about it. She then proceeded a couple of days later to blow up my e-mail and phone with messages that had nothing whatsoever to do with apologies. 

And it's also such a set up. A person who was truly sorry would just... say so. *ding dong* "Hello, AOD, I was abusive to you for many years and I am so very deeply sorry. I owe you that, even though you would be completely within your rights to slam the door in my face now."

[SonofThunder]

My thought is that I'd medium chill it and move right along. "Oh, well that is very kind of you to say." (Without throwing your heart into it.) And, "I've got to finish this thing so I can get to this other thing."

I think "leave me alone" is also perfectly valid. I just like how you can say something that can't be leveraged against you as well without putting any real emotion into it.

   +1

Even if the PD's believe it's an authentic apology, my history teaches me it's also bait. Throwing bait just comes so instinctively for a PD. 

The real test will be the next reaction of the PD to my MC response to their apology. #motiveiseverything

SoT

[Breadroll]

It's interesting thought experiment. If xnpdh wrote a full formal letter of apology plus a large cheque to make up for the massive financial theft, I might speak to him. But of course, this will never happen....and the freedom and peace of no contact is precious.