I WANT TO DO IT SO BADLY

[PandaSan]

I'm 21 and trying to live with CPTSD. Even though it doesn't feel like I need help.

I've come to this conclusion then forgot about it a few times, but I've finally decided to put myself out here and talk about it.

My issue is I somehow keep convincing myself to comeback and talk to my parent and sister. I have a hard time having friends especially when my mother says rude shit to me. So I talk to them, because I have nobody else.

But, they keep saying dumb phrases, making fun of me, calling me a p*do, idiot, autistic, mocking me and calling me a failure. All done in bits and moments, like they are trying to take the most opportunistic moment to make me feel like absolutely dogshit by insulting me. And above all that crap, they act completely nice. Not a hint of hostility before and after the rest of a conversation. Pardon my language but it's f*cking confusing.

My younger sister said I have CPTSD just like her, and kept trying to convince me to do it. But I don't know where to start, it's all appointments, I don't want to leave my home for this but I can leave my home for food. It's sutpid, im stupid.

I told her our mom wasn't the nicest and she suddenly broke communications with the family including me.

I still have time to fix a few grooves in my brain, or maybe I shouldn't think about that too much. I believed CPTSD wasn't true because all my peers denied it, was it the stigma? the awkwardness? the idfk what ur sayin? or are those people missing vital education on the inner workings of Personality Disorders. No matter the name, the symptoms were real, and I subconsciously built strategies around them. For example, turning off my brain was an amazing skill to learn. Why suffer from a parent when you can go online and find amazing people, forget all the bad experiences! My mother always told me my memory was poor as a kid, saying I would wake up and ask where I am. To this day I can barely remember names worth shit, but I can easily remember anything else. So I've been consciously making pictures of peoples faces in my head then putting a name next to it to help. Somehow it gets sent to my subconscious and repeats it whenever I encounter the need to do it. I just don't feel it happening. But can prove it's improvements by keeping track of my own abilities.

I want people to talk to, I have no friends. My trust issues are out of this world at its worst. Please bare with my occasional paranoia. Also for some reason people with PD attract other people with PD, and is kind of bad if neither of you know the opposite person has PD. Though in this one PD Friendgroup they understood me and included me in a 4 year long friend group. It recently ended because it just seemed to get worse on them, as if their PD worsened because they didn't manage it properly? Like they would fuck with me more than usual, some petty harassment too. I only noticed it when it got really bad, and that was around 3 years into the friendship. As you may guess it ended with me deleting discord.

Guess ill also talk more about my developments this year.

I've lived alone for nearly exactly a year. Before that I was homeless, not much to say other than I started journaling because my thoughts were way WAY too loud. In the first month of living alone I thought my landlord was apart of a gang trying to exploit people with disabilities for money. I was taken advantage by another person during that time, but managed to escape unscathed and didn't really lose anything. That guy is currently being evicted.

Sorry this was pretty much all a vent. The main issue is I don't know how to leave my family when I have no one else.

"Happiness" sometimes looks like a happy family all perfect and smiley. Not living by myself and suffering alone.
And "Happiness" other times looks like me simply living with the way of the world. I've sort of only felt that happiness recently.

Anyways I'm exhausted.

[Rebel13]

Hi and welcome! I'm so sorry for what you have gone through, and so happy that you have so much insight, that you have your own place, and that you have already tried working on your difficulties, for example, creating your own technique for remembering names! Yay you!

The good news is, you get to organize your own life and relationships in the way that suits you, on your own timeline. There's no rule that you have to cut off contact, or that you have to do it by a certain date, or all at once, etc. Try looking around the site, especially the Toolbox -> What TO Do section. There are lots of strategies there that can help you cope with what your family throws down, if you decide you still want to spend time with them. There are also a lot of conversations here in the forum about how other people handle their families -- some people don't have contact, some have low contact, but all of us are working on boundaries to keep ourselves safe from abuse. You can do that too.

Wishing you the best and hope you keep coming around!

[PandaSan]

Thank you for the kind words and your short introduction to how I can utilize this site to my benefit. Me writing all that made me dizzy lol, seeing objects highlighted yellow and purple are a sign I'm mentally unwell rn. Also got heartburn a week ago, finally bought medication for it a day ago. Feel a bit lethargic since gas in my body is having a hard time escaping due to my anxious thoughts tightening the wrong muscles. Thank you, you helped lighten my mood up a bit.

[bloomie]

PandaSan - hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. Thanks for sharing a bit of the difficulty in relationships that bring you here. It sounds complicated and that the direction forward is confusing at times. Given how you describe your family of origin experiences, that all makes perfect sense.

I am a bit unsure, from what you have written, if you agree with your sister you are experiencing complex PTSD and also if you suffer with a personality disordered yourself. To help you I have share some additional information about what we do here and helpful links:

At Out of the FOG, we often welcome members who are dealing with CPTSD as a consequence of having been in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder. We recognize that CPTSD sufferers have a distinct and unique set of concerns and issues they are dealing with and recognized the need for a separate forum. So we helped launch Out of the Storm- a support site specifically designed for people who suffer from CPTSD - Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. We encourage you to check it out in addition to the resources below.

Here at Out of the FOG, we discuss our relationship issues as they pertain to the other people in our lives with a PD and welcome your participation. We have a number of sections, including one called Working on Us especially for dealing with recovery from those relationships.

We also encourage you to be sure and check out these links:

CPTSD Description http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/CPTSD.html

The 51% Rule http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/51PercentRule.html

Tool Box http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Toolbox.html

Boundaries http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Boundaries.html

"Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=26911.0

Take a look around and settle in. We look forward to supporting you!