WIBTA If I (41F) stop a friendship over best friend's (47F) abusive relationship

[Recuerdame]

I (41F) have known my best friend (47F) for 6 years. Four years ago, her boyfriend (43M) began being physically abusive. He has been mentally abusive for the 12 years they have been together; however, the physical abuse has ramped up as of late. My friend has been through the wringer but this is a constant cycle of where she determines she is done and fed up with him, but then he sucks her back under his control, and she stays with him. I, of course, have encouraged her to leave him, and expressed concern for her and her dog's safety, even after having shared my own experience with a past abusive relationship I got out of.

The straw that has "broken the camel's back" so to speak, has come from this recent incident. They had gone on a couple's getaway where they got caught up in a storm; however, by Sunday, they made it home safely after having to spend funds they were not anticipating on spending. Upon their arrival, he got extremely agitated over the washer not working. Friend asked him for help to where the then chucked a sopping wet blanket at her, and proceeded to tell her that he wished it hit her in the face and to fucking shut up.

He then disappeared to their shared bedroom to "sleep it off," and she went into their bathroom that is off of their bedroom. She accidentally pushed a drawer too hard and he was on her in seconds. He cornered her in the bathroom, inches from her face, and told her to shut the fuck up and how he wished he could punch her in her fucking face.

She gave me this rundown a few days after their trip and was adamant that she was done with him, and admitted that her body had essentially rejected all his advances in the bedroom for "fun time" as they tried on their trip to reconnect physically. Friend told me she is afraid he will kill her, and how she sees his cycle of abuse becoming more and more frequent, and how she plans on moving in silence to move her and her dog out. This is also the same woman who sobbed with me on the phone as she wrote out a letter, stating that I would take care of her dog if anything were to happen to her.

Listen, this was music to my ears. I was ecstatic. I told her that I'd help her pack and move and how she was doing the right thing, and to focus on her and her success both in the career sense and in her own life. I was tearful because again, I saw the warning signs and was frantically waving them in her face but... as usual, things shifted and she became selectively colorblind to the red flags once more.

She called me a few days ago to give me an update, where she took his car to get her hair done and ended up breaking down in the car. All of her bottled up emotions came to a head and she screamed and sobbed in the car before her appointment. She went in, got the appointment done shortly thereafter, and then headed home to where she proceeded to have a panic attack and collapsed on the floor and was unable to move. He saw her sobbing and proceeded to comfort her, rubbing her back, apologizing, the whole nine.

This, my friends, is where this narcissistic asshole sunk his claws back into her once more, and she "played" her own fucking mind games.

She told him the day after this incident, through a text message, that she and her dog were going to be moving out by the summer. He came home and asked what he could do to make them stay. I blurted in the middle of this phone call that "Absolutely fucking nothing, asswipe!" and she was silent. That was when I fucking knew. That was when it all came crumbling down and I huffed, demanding answers because once upon a time, I was a toxic ex and would say shit just like she did to get a reaction, to see if that other person still "cared." So I called her out on it, "Did you send that text to get a reaction out of him?" Silence. Then nervous laughter on her end. "Well, no, you know me, I can't keep a secret." Was her timely response. She then told him the same fucking shit she's told him a thousand times before "Get help, go to therapy, get anger management, and if I see consistent effort, I'll think about staying." Folks, you know the drill. He promises to change, tells her everything she wants to hear, and as soon as the time is up and they re-sign the lease, guess what'll happen? He will go right back to his asshole-ish ways, and she has once more fallen for his act hook, line, and sinker. Every. Gods. Damned. Time. Never fucking fails.

... I lost it. So I snapped and told her, "Listen, I'm gonna hold your hands while I hurt your fucking feelings. You told me you were terrified of him, that you didn't trust being in the same room, that he was rough with your dog, and that he's put his hands on you... He's told you time and again he will change, but it's been four fucking years of empty god damned promises, and you're gonna what? Let him get away with this shit... AGAIN?! I cannot... I cannot fucking fathom allowing this behavior and enabling it time and again. He's not gonna. You KNOW he's not gonna, so what the fuck is the god damned fucking point?!" She then tells me what I've heard every single time. "Well, maybe THIS time, he'll actually change. I've never really threatened to leave him like this before..." I cut her off and said "Your life isn't a game to fucking play around with! You're playing a dangerous game of crying wolf, and the time when you actually need people and you're really and truly done with this shit relationship, you will have no one there because of him and because you keep crawling back to him! Hopefully, the next time I hear from you, you aren't in the hospital, or worse, I get a phone call about details to your fucking funeral!" Then, I hung up.

I am fuming. I am livid. I am irate. I am devastated and scared for her, but mostly, I need to prioritize myself, I feel. Sure, I was a touch dramatic on my ending sentence; however, it is a stark reality that she has now turned a blind eye to. That nothing matters anymore because he's going to "try," which is code word for "he's going to fake it until he gets what he wants - her to stay" - and it'll be right back to the same ole song and fucking dance once he's determined he's "won". Due to my past experiences, her situation is extremely triggering to me, and has dredged up emotions and memories that I thought I long since had resolved and am now confronting again with my therapist. More importantly, I have a child that tends to accompany me when we go to her house, and I no longer feel comfortable being in her home at all to protect my child.

Now, would I be the asshole for ending this friendship over this abusive relationship of hers? I am heavily debating it, but at the same time resenting doing so because he is very clearly trying (and succeeding) at isolating her, and I am scared for her wellbeing; however, my child's safety reigns above everything. I will never put my child in harm's way, and I no longer have the mental capacity or the filter to try and carry on this friendship without holding her accountable and/or saying something extremely harsh and ultimately decimating this friendship once and for all. I am at the end of my rope. I am tired and I am done, so, if I go about ending this friendship, would I send a text and then block her, or should I tell her over the phone? I am unsure but I know, deep down in my heart, that something needs to be done because it is affecting my child, my home, and myself.

Help me please!

Side note: She has bipolar (diagnosed but unmedicated) and he is a narcissist (undiagnosed but with my heavy experience and previous relationship with an ex who behaved and moved extremely similar to him who was diagnosed, I call 'em like I see 'em.). He's probably got some other stuff goin' on and I do believe she has a touch of narcissism as well.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place. First of all - no, you are not a bad person for ending this friendship! You are a sensible person, doing the right thing - you are protecting yourself from contact with a toxic person. What you are experiencing is abuse. Your friend uses you to pick her up after she has allowed her  boyfriend to abuse her. She uses you for support, comfort, ego boosting. Then, feeling strengthened she goes right back to her drug, the abusive lover. Think of it as an addiction. If your friend was addicted to drugs, come to you for money and support, promising to stop, then going back, you might have resigned yourself and admitted reality faster.
Trust me, I know exactly how infuriating contact with such people is, I used to work at a women's shelter and sometimes wanted to shake them out of frustration, when they came back again with another black eye. It's draining and it's damaging you. Because you cannot control how she behaves and what she does. It is her choice after all, and if she decides to remain in an abusive relationship, that is her right to do. But your duty is to yourself and your child. And that means staying away from toxic people. Working on your own mental health.
You told her what you thought, now act upon it. You cannot rescue her, but you can rescue yourself. Study the  Toolbox https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro , especially medium chill and use that strategy when interacting with her. Do not give solutions, do not give advice. Do not get emotionally involved. Keep on telling yourself - this is not MY problem. She is a capable adult responsible for her own choices.  You can still lend a sympathetic ear - oh that must have been bad. oh, that doesnt sound right. What a pity. Shame. What do you want to do now?  Sounds like you have been there before. No suggestions. No judgement. Only if you feel strong enough.
Come back here and tell us how you are doing. If you are better able to protect yourself.

[Catothecat]

  Everything notright said...

This has been going on for years.  Your friend has done nothing concrete to end the relationship.  Instead, it's a continuous drama that she drags you into.  You talk to her and she doesn't really listen.  It's not easy to admit that in this situation you're helpless, but that seems to be the case.  Her psychological needs are taking precedence over healthy solutions. 

It's not wrong or a betrayal of your friendship to admit you've done all you can, there's nothing more you can do--not if it's true.  There's no "next step" for you to take. The next step is on her.  Otherwise it's going to be same-old same-old. 

I experienced something similar with a friend who was in an abusive, toxic relationship for over 20 years. And until the day her husband died, she did nothing but complain about him and his abuse, talk about divorcing him, but nothing ever happened.  All of our interactions would devolve into a pointless therapy session.  It felt more like counseling than a friendship. Death finally parted them, and even after he was dead she would STILL veer between talking about how much she missed him and loved him followed by how he ruined her life.  My husband started asking me--well, which husband is she talking about now, the saint or the sinner?

Yeah, I felt guilty over distancing myself from her, because isn't being supportive part of being a friend?  But I also felt that I was less a friend and more part of a dysfunctional "threesome" where my input into the relationship was part of their relationship.  I was being enmeshed against my will and would continue to be so unless I put up some boundaries.  So I did.  And when I finally did, I discovered I didn't miss having her in my life to that intense extent.  In her own way, she'd become toxic to me and it was a relief to be away from her. 

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so infuriating to feel like you are talking to a brick wall, and especially when it is so traumatic and triggering for you. I wonder if you could send her a final message explaining that you have to check out of the relationship because it is too draining for you and, only if you feel like it, add that you will be there for her when she decides to take the step and leave for good, but you can't be caught in the same vicious cycle she is putting herself through. It is absolutely fine if you don't want to say the last part, or if you don't want to message her at all, and just take some distance. You need to look out for yourself and your child, and your friend needs to make her own decisions about her life. I have many times made the mistake of thinking that my input is invaluable and will inspire a change but the truth is there is so much we can say and do, and, in the end, other people's decisions about their lives are out of our control. You have tried over and over again and it's come to a point where your mental health has been affected. Put yourself first.

[Recuerdame]

Thank you, notrightinthehead. At this point, I do not think I want to uphold a friendship with her any longer, and end it once and for all. I owe it to myself and my child as her situation has affected me much more than I believed it did. You are right that this is essentially abuse, which I hadn't thought about. She is using me as a crutch and I have to let her fall into the bed she made.

Catothecat, I'm sorry you also experienced this but your husband saying the saint or the sinner struck a chord with me. I feel like I'm always pointing out the ways he's manipulating her, and telling her he isn't as stupid as he seems (she claims he's the dumbest person he knows), but his behavior and intentions say otherwise. I feel like I'm "failing" at being her friend because, as you said, support is part of friendship, but it feels like a downfall in this scenario, like it is somehow making her think that because I'm "in her corner" and supporting her, that she can remain where she is.

walking on broken glass, I appreciate your reply and feedback. It is wicked helpful. I definitely will be taking some of your words to implement in my final message. I struggle with putting myself first, but I have to this time, especially with my child in the picture. It is scary to walk away, especially at this point in her life and how I'm not sure if she will survive this situation, but this is her cross to carry and it is her choice to remain in this relationship now.

I pose a question to all of you and other people reading this. I have her therapist's information. I have recently decided that I want to do the scorched earth method, and I know for a fact that she has been lying to her therapist's face about the seriousness of her boyfriend's behavior. I know she will twist the narrative to suit her needs and pose herself as the victim once I leave. Do you all think that I should contact her therapist, or should I just leave that alone? I do not want to give her the satisfaction or ability to tailor this to fit her narrative and paint herself as an angel.

[Poison Ivy]

If you would be contacting the therapist to share information that you think would help protect the safety of your friend (e.g., "I think Friend is in danger from her boyfriend."), I think it might be okay to contact the therapist. If you would be contacting the therapist to share another type of information or for another purpose, I would recommend against contacting the therapist.

[notrightinthehead]

I would ask myself what purpose I wanted to achieve, what would be the benefit. The therapist is probably a person whom she pays, so if she decides to lie to them, that's her waste of money.

I sense that you feel angry with this friend, rightly so, I think. That would be something that should guide you towards looking deep inside -what makes you vulnerable to be taken advantage of. You probably are a kind and helpful person, someone who likes to take care of people and be supportive. You could use the anger to give yourself a biiiiiig dose of self compassion. To comfort yourself for having allowed yourself to be used as a crutch. There is nothing wrong with having a helper/caretaker personaltiy, as long as one listens to oneself and makes sure that self care comes first. This friend is an excellent teacher for you - you can learn about your weak points and where you chose to ignore or override your sense of unease, your frustration, your resentment. In future you will be much stronger and defend yourself much better.

[walking on broken glass]

If you would be contacting the therapist to share information that you think would help protect the safety of your friend (e.g., "I think Friend is in danger from her boyfriend."), I think it might be okay to contact the therapist. If you would be contacting the therapist to share another type of information or for another purpose, I would recommend against contacting the therapist.

My thoughts exactly!

[DaisyGirl77]

One thing I'd consider is if you're wanting to be vindictive (telling your friend's therapist everything she lies to her T about) because you're very triggered by her situation right now.  It's very clear you're angry, but what are you angry with?  Your friend's inability to just leave?  Or angry because her situation reminds you of your own trauma?  Or are you angry because she uses you to trauma dump & uses you as her buffer so she can continue to find balance & remain with her boyfriend?  Whatever it is, you can't save her from the choices she continues to make.

What you CAN do is remove yourself from the equation.  I'd also consider this:  Do you want to set this example for your child?  Do you want them to believe it's appropriate to be vindictive whenever someone hurts them?  To strike back two or three times as hard?  Or do you want to teach them that, while sometimes that may be appropriate, the better option, when someone hurts them this badly, is to set boundaries & walk away, wishing them well from afar?

If you do choose to contact her therapist, I would compose an email framing it as concern for your friend, not from anger.  Like, "Hey, therapist, FRIEND has told me she regularly lies to you.  In the interest of furthering her treatment & helping her grow as a person, I think it's necessary to share this information with you.  She regularly tells me THIS but says she tells you THAT instead for _reason_."  If you find it appropriate, maybe attach screenshots of texts or any other proof you have.  That said, I have serious concerns that this contact will backfire on you in some way.

In all honesty, this is one situation where I'd just walk away & wait for it all to blow up spectacularly in her face.  It all depends on what your version of peace is, & what action will bring that to you.  I would also discuss this with your own T, if you have one, & figure out what the root cause of this anger is stemming from.  I think this is worth exploring.

Good luck.  Check out the Toolbox; it has a bunch of things you might find useful.

[Recuerdame]

Valid points here. I am going to clear some things up. Contacting her therapist would be to let her know the severity of the situation, my friend has been going on at home. I want her therapist to be aware of just how far the abuse has gone since my friend has been dishonest with her and downplayed it all. It wouldn't necessarily be to vindicate myself, but I can see how that had come across in my message. Apologies for that.

[Catothecat]

A situation like what you're considering, rescuerdame, might best be brought to another therapist, not the one your friend is seeing.  Only a therapist can tell you how they would receive such information and what they might do with it.  I'm sure most of them have encountered this situation before. 

On the surface, telling her therapist what you know and leaving it up to the therapist to deal with the information however they choose might seem straghtforward, but it really isn't.  It becomes a she said-she said situation with the therapist in the middle of conflicting information.  A better effort might be to get all the possible scenarios played out first, then select which is the best option.  This is extremely difficult to do on your own, especially when you're so close emotionally to the issue, so professional input can make all the difference.  They may even suggest an approach that hasn't yet been considered.

In any event, such an option might cost you some money you'd rather not spend, but it would also provide you with some consolation that you're doing all you can and can give you a more concrete "end point" (i.e., what, ultimately, to do about the relationship) that doesn't make you feel like you're left hanging and maybe you let her down, etc.

[blunk]

Rescuerdame, I am so sorry you have had to deal with these issues.

My first thought, if you did opt to contact her therapist might be to frame it as something like, I find myself needing to step away from the friendship with (friend's name). I am concerned that she may be in need of additional support from you, as she has been leaning heavily on me lately. However, for the sake of my own mental health, I cannot continue to support her as she navigates an increasingly toxic relationship.

[Rebel13]

Hi Recuerdame, you have gotten some excellent thoughts to consider here. In particular I love DaisyGirl's point about what would be modeled for your child by various responses, and also what notrightinthehead said about using this as an opportunity to foster your own growth and self-awareness. I've been thinking a lot about my friendships, past and present, lately, and I was in a similar situation with a work friend in the distant past, so your post really resonated with me and I've been considering it for a few days.

What I would add to what's been said here is to consider how YOU will feel in the future -- when you look back and think about how you handled this situation, what would you like to observe about your behavior? How would you like to feel? And believe me, this point comes out of the experience of ending MANY friendships unkindly and in anger. I wish I could look back now and feel proud, that I had behaved like my best self. Unfortunately I wasn't there yet.

I talked about this with my therapist today, and she reminded me how those of us raised by self-absorbed, disordered or abusive parents often try to manage relationships by fawning, until we feel so unsafe that the only thing we know how to do is explode in self-protective rage. That was certainly the case for me! It was only last year that I first ended a friendship by, to paraphrase DaisyGirl, setting boundaries and walking away, wishing them well from afar, or, as I explained it to myself, "I release you to your highest good." I had so much trouble just finding the words! If that's something you struggle with too, the blogger Captain Awkward has lots of posts with scripts for ending friendships in clear and kind ways.

Wishing you the best as you navigate this tricky situation.