Kinda proud of myself

[TimetoHeal]

My mom is the master of sending me panicked messages that I absolutely "must" respond to immediately.  She does this on the regular, and I wrote about it here over the holidays where she had an absolute meltdown on Thanksgiving when my brother announced he was moving to another state, and she suddenly couldn't cope and needed us to help her move into AL. Then she almost instantly backed out and told me and brother to leave her alone, she was going to die in her house.   

Her latest was yesterday, and she sends me a long, convoluted email about how she can't get into her online banking, and she needs me to put my name on her accounts so I can do this that and the other, and she was going to have some checks for me to give to various people.  Ending with "I'm so sorry to put yet another burden on you.  But there is no other way".

Unfortunately, the email DID get to me, and I was very anxious and upset.  I have not figured out how to mitigate that part.  But I am proud of the way I responded.  I said, "Mom I've read your email, and honestly I am not sure exactly what you are asking, but I am in no position to make emergency or quick decisions right now".  So she backed down, and said, "I'm sorry.  Just forget it".  (Also, manipulation?)

I am gong through an extraordinarily stressful time with work and health issues of my own right now, and she knows it.  For her to throw this on me like this, just....pisses me off frankly. 

[Aingeal]

I'm proud of you too!  Good job for holding your boundaries and that was a great response to your mother.  My Narcmom does the "emergency" drama for everything as she's getting older and I think it's just to keep me and siblings jumping through hoops for her   

.... and I think your mom's "sorry, Just forget it" is a manipulation.  The first trauma response is usually to be overly helpful, to put others first without thinking about our own situations and limits.  You've got enough on your plate.  Please take care of you - narc mothers will run you into the ground without a second thought.  They think only of themselves (well, mine does) and have no empathy for others.

I'd also be careful about getting involved in her finances.  My Narcm wanted me to fill out and sign her checks.... She'd say write in whatever you need (to buy groceries for narcmom or pickup items at Target etc. for her) but I wouldn't do it.  I don't trust my own mother.  I'd rather not be paid back than write her checks (she could deny knowing I had permission from her to do it.)  I don't have POA and don't want it.  Members here have said narc parents have accused them of stealing money when they were helping with finances and even with the power of attorney.  Please be very careful, some narcs are very covert and want to stir up drama 

[walking on broken glass]

Excellent response! Well done for not getting drugged down to her drama.

Members here have said narc parents have accused them of stealing money when they were helping with finances and even with the power of attorney.  Please be very careful, some narcs are very covert and want to stir up drama

I second that. I was helping my mum with all her finances and she suddenly turned on me and said I want to control her and steal the money. I have kept away from anything financial since then.

[DaisyGirl77]

Excellent response! Well done for not getting drugged down to her drama.

Members here have said narc parents have accused them of stealing money when they were helping with finances and even with the power of attorney.  Please be very careful, some narcs are very covert and want to stir up drama

I second that. I was helping my mum with all her finances and she suddenly turned on me and said I want to control her and steal the money. I have kept away from anything financial since then.

Agreed.  I got that same experience to a smaller degree living with uBPD eF's mom.  Luckily for me, I had two boundaries I'd made clear prior to moving in to caretake her:  I would do absolutely zero stuff relating to her body in any way & I wouldn't go anywhere near her finances.  In hindsight, these were the two smartest moves I'd made as she wasn't able to manipulate people into thinking I'd stolen her money or done awful things physically to her (because I refused to do either one).  However, I did make a couple small exceptions (making it clear they were exceptions before doing it):  I clipped a toenail after one of her doctor visits because her doctor left a sharp point.  I also balanced her checkbook going back a year, with calculator tape stapled to each month's statement as proof of the work I'd done so no one could argue that I'd manipulated numbers somehow.  When she asked me to organize some important life insurance paperwork, I simply put the most recent date on top of all the papers belonging to each account & stapled each packet separately--again, this move served me well in the very long run.

If you do this, make moves to protect yourself first.  Install cameras around the house in common areas if you must do physical caretaking, & ensure they record audio.  Do the CYA thing.

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you Aingeal, WOBG, and DaisyGirl! 

I appreciate the feedback and advice!  I never even thought about how it could go sideways and be used against me like that!  How horrible that we even have to think that way about our own parents, but, honestly, it makes so much sense.  I am very, very grateful, that for some reason, my mother named my brother, the GC her POA if and when needed.  He can take care of her crap, if he so chooses.

I visited her on Saturday, because we had already had plans for a visit for her birthday.  Oh, boy, it was miserable.  She started out shaking and crying telling me how miserable her week had been in every excruciating detail.  Literally, she deserves an Oscar or 2.  I could even see her looking through her fingers she had over her face to see if I was looking.      She asked me to log on to her computer to prove how she couldn't get in and do her online banking.  Her connection was a little slow (older computer, slow internet, and it was spring break), but it pulled up just fine.  By the end of her litany, you could see her visibly relax. And she says, "You just helped me so much".  Yeah, I'm sure I did.  I just took all your toxic garbage onto me.    I think I'm really going to have to back away and not even do the scheduled visits right now.  I've just got too much going on.  But I fear that will just provoke more "drama" and "emergency" calls.  It feels like lose-lose a lot of the time.