Mom is too much for me to deal with

[Danie]

I really need support coping with my mother who is wheelchair bound in her home. She got out of rehab for the second time a few weeks ago and was able to go home because she can make her own decisions. I live 12 miles away and try to do what I can, but it is never enough or ok. My mind goes haywire after an encounter and it takes a long time for me to rebound, at home, where I can function again. I just got home after I met her Meals-on-Wheels driver in her driveway and brought the meals in for her. She won't wear a hearing aid regularly even though I have pointed out to her she needs to so every effort to communicate is a major struggle of yelling. Then she goes, "I've got to get my hearing aid" and leaves for 10 minutes. Even then it's an over the counter one that doesn't work well and is never correctly in her ear.

Next: she is upset she has too many Meals-on-Wheels dinners even though they are frozen and I've provided lots of freezer space for her. We ordered seven meals - 3 on Tuesday and 4 on Friday, but she keeps changing her mind and complaining about the quantity. I've told her, it's up to you to decide what you want and call the driver. Today she said upsetly - "how come there's 3"! "There's only supposed to be 2! They're backing up."

She doesn't have dementia, she's very disordered. I mean extremely. I cannot do this much more. My sister (POA) has already cut off. We have a caregiver that goes 12 hours a week and honestly she cannot take it either much more. I do not know what's going to happen. I feel so terrible about it. My therapist is helping me not feel the guilt for taking care of myself and staying away from my narcissistic mom. I am not a legal caregiver (I checked) and she is basically on her own. Please help me learn how to cope with this.

[Tribe16]

Danie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you live in the states? Is there an Area Agency on Aging or Eldercare association in your area? They do have social workers on staff and sometimes it takes about 48 hours for a call back, but it would be worth making that call to at least find out what your options are. If mom is too much, and you aren't getting help from siblings, you'd need to explain that to the social worker. It might be time for placement. There is also that website "a place for mom dot com". I wish I had better answers for you. If mom is competent and can take care of herself, it might be time to drop the rope and let the chips fall and somebody (social services) will have to step in. You are not obligated to threaten your own mental and physical health to save hers. Peace and keep us posted.

[Danie]

It's myself and 1 other sibling. My sibling won't go anymore and communicates through a caregiver by text. She also has a camera on her. I thought I could keep trying with her, but it's not working. The chips are going to have to fall. I have to not be hard on myself for detaching. She will be spending a lot of time alone, but she was told that and she chose it. She is not a kind person and looks for faults in people. My sister and I were getting along as co-helpers, but then mom lies and pits us against each other so now we're not on speaking terms again. Mom said, "she's taking all my money". I almost fell for it, but reminded myself that she's not always truthful

[TimetoHeal]

Oh, Danie,

I could have written your post. 

You are doing an amazing job being there for your mom at all.  You are making sure she's fed and taken care of.  That's saying a lot with a mother who is critical and negative and ungrateful all the time.

Let it give you a sense of freedom that she is still able to make her own decisions and that you are not POA.  If she makes bad decisions, it's on her.  If she cancels Meals on Wheels and then doesn't have enough food, that's on her.  If she drives the caregiver away with her behavior, that's on her. 

I am in it with you.  My mom is in the same place and refuses every bit of help or suggestions my brother and I try to give her.  I'm trying to back off and let her deal with the consequences of her decisions.  This is her choice.  Not mine. 

[TimetoHeal]

Also, good for you for working with a therapist during this time!  You need all the support YOU can get, and it sounds like your therapist is supportive. 

[Danie]

Thanks TimetoHeal. I go to my therapist 1X a week and he is very helpful. My mom has been undiagnosed but he said, "Narcissist for sure" with the understanding he can't formally diagnose. Just to have an outside person that is a good listener is extremely helpful. Since he said this I have noticed how she doesn't really care how I feel ever and just wants what she wants if she has to be dishonest to get it. I have done so much for her out of the goodness of my heart which is hard because she left when I was 14 and she had kicked me out. I think she just takes it for granted because she sees how normal families operate and the children are expected to take care of the parent.
So far, we have catered to every whim, but going forward I just can't do it anymore.

[TimetoHeal]

Thanks TimetoHeal. I go to my therapist 1X a week and he is very helpful. My mom has been undiagnosed but he said, "Narcissist for sure" with the understanding he can't formally diagnose. Just to have an outside person that is a good listener is extremely helpful. Since he said this I have noticed how she doesn't really care how I feel ever and just wants what she wants if she has to be dishonest to get it. I have done so much for her out of the goodness of my heart which is hard because she left when I was 14 and she had kicked me out. I think she just takes it for granted because she sees how normal families operate and the children are expected to take care of the parent.
So far, we have catered to every whim, but going forward I just can't do it anymore.

It sounds like you are at a turning point, for sure, Danie.  That's great that you are realizing you have limitations and limits.  Certainly, catering to her every whim is too much, even for a "good", "normal" parent.  It sounds like your mom has never been there for you, but expects you to be there for her.  Good news is you get to decide how much, if anything, you want to do going forward.  Don't feel bad for putting yourself first.  Not at all. 

[Fiasco]

Here's what I've learned dealing with my BPDmom over the decade since she became disabled. People who have not been officially declared incompetent have all their normal rights. They have the right to make foolish, poor, and even dangerous decisions. This is why you see people living in fully hoarded homes, for example, because if they are not absolutely incompetent they may choose that.

What this means for you is stop it. You are excused from trying to help her take advantage of the benefits available to her, you are excused from trying to talk and cajole her into making better choices. She's an adult and it's not your business.

Believe me I get it. You were probably raised to believe you were responsible for all her emotional needs, that it was your job to make sure she was happy. This is of course ridiculous but after we've spent our whole lives being told that her moods are our problem it's tough to release that. Be free. You can't fix her she was an adult before you were even born.

I'm approaching the point where I'm about to have my BPD mom declared incompetent via testing at the memory clinic and she's going to FREAK. There will be tantrums and suicide threats, and that's too damn bad. I do have POA and she's going to go into a memory care facility as soon as possible. But this is the culmination of a decade of worsening executive function, less and less memory, falling for every Internet scam possible, the works. Since she's been able to SEEM competent nobody could force her to do anything, not even let the EMTs into the house after she's fallen and knocked herself unconscious.

So my point is if you can convince yourself you can't change her or even improve her what do you want to do for her? You won't win her loving behavior, you won't talk her into making smart choices, so what do you actually WANT to do based on satisfying your lovely urge to be kind to people.

[1footouttadefog]

This sounds super awful for you.  I know of a couple in their upper eighties where the old woman is mean and narcissistic.  Poor old guy.  He has dementia starting.  They helpers are badgered terribly and she pesters the old man day and night. 

They cannot keep helpers very long.  The family is outsourcing as much as possible, because they cannot take it any longer. 

Just know you are not alone, and it's complicated and those mixed feelings are okay and normal. 

You are not responsible for her happiness or attitude. 

[Danie]

Oh my gosh Fiasco, I don't envy you for a second, but I will probably end up in the same situation before long. Keep us posted. Can you get a lot of help with that?

We had a social worker visit with my mom 2 days ago. My mom complained she wasn't getting food and diapers. Before the social worker filed a complaint she called my sister (POA) and discovered it was all B.S. The social worker confronted her and suggested she not call her kids and whine every day for her needs. She told her that she is competent and can do stuff for herself. She told my mom to make a list and if her kids (out of the goodness of their heart) visits her once a week they can take care of stuff then.

After the social worker game me a rundown on that situation I felt a lot of emotions; relief that maybe I wouldn't feel so pressured and overwhelmed by her, grief for having suffered so long under her, guilt that I wasn't succumbing to her abuse. All in all, I thought maybe things would lighten up! Yay! I wouldn't be hearing from her every day whining and complaining and there could be some kind of happy ending and possibly some joy. (Nah-that's going a little too far).

The social worker was on to her, but also said "she is very convincing". She was very supportive in me having clear and healthy boundaries with her.

Well, guess what? Bright and early this morning mom calls. I was expecting a new attitude, but something has shifted with her, but not for the good. I let her talk because I was confused. I think what I was experiencing was a Narcissist pushing even harder. She didn't even pause and say good morning but launched into an even more intense demand for help. Obviously, she didn't get what the social worker tried to explain to her or she was in rebuttal mode.

Literally, 12 questions about her hearing aid. I've shown her many times. It's an over the counter one that you plug in to recharge and pop the end off to clean it. A monkey could do it.  Then she went on and on about EVERYTHING. I asked why she was telling me all this and her answer was, "I thought you'd want to know". 

Now, I'm hyperventilating because I'm pissed and frustrated. I'm staying strong with self talk. She has power over me. That's sad, but I'm working on that. I am bracing myself for what Fiasco is doing. My mom loves loves loves crisis and chaos!! It seems as time goes on and she realizes how things are she get even more panicky and demanding. I understand, everyone's life runs out, but that's the way it is. My mom was the worst and I have to let her deal with it herself and anyone willing to put themselves through it. 

[Rebel13]

Hi Danie, I am so sorry you have to go through this. If it were me, I'd be ready for some stronger boundaries and distancing tactics about now, especially given that she's got more help on board with social work being involved.

Here are some tactics I've read other people suggest in similar situations on this forum: Can you let her calls/texts go to voice mail? Can you set aside a certain day of the week/time of day that you call her, and the rest of the time you're "not available"? You can even let her know this, in a calm and neutral way, no biggie, just "got a lot on my plate right now, can't always answer the phone, so I'll check in with you on Tuesdays around 2 to see what you need." If you and your sister have a good relationship, maybe you could take turns, like she calls on Mondays and you call on Thursdays.

Another tactic I've used myself is to have a trusted other listen to the voicemail/read the texts, and tell me if it's an emergency (as I think your mom still lives on her own. If she's got regular care in place, or lives in a facility, then her carers can handle true emergencies.). If it isn't an emergency, then it can wait until your regular phone day/time. Not having to listen to the messages myself helped a lot with keeping me from getting activated and sucked in to the nonsense.

Wishing you the best of luck and let us know how it goes.

[Fiasco]

Thanks for the support Danie, I will update when I have news but meanwhile I'll be wishing the best for you.

[Aingeal]

https://youtu.be/0eqmbRwDHSA?si=5OCkPb1b4KXkrmqY

Sorry I don't have time for a response right now -  My mother let the neighbor raise me. Wasn't a parent at all and like you expects me (not siblings) to be her caregiver. She used to hide her nastiness but as she ages there's no mask, no filter. Narcmom is just mean as a snake. I agree with the other posters and just adding we're not doctors and nurses and have done all we can for narc mothers when they've done zero for us.  The link is to YouTube Kris Godinez explains aging mean narcs and helped me cope.

Time to put your oxygen mask on, do some self care and know you've gone above and beyond.
Narcs don't change.  Play the last few voicemails and I bet they're all the same. Back away from the phone. Tell mom your out of cell reception area for a few days if you want but give YOU some down time, some TLC (she never did..... I know narc mothers).  And be gentle with yourself. You're amazing and it's time to put your oxygen mask on/ recharge your batteries and remember that you matter.

[Danie]

I'm going to watch the YouTube video. It's 2 hours long so I will need to get comfy. Thanks for sending that. Angeal: you said your mom let the neighbors raise you. I'm sure there's more to that and it's a long story. I understand and can relate to the pain. Before my parents split (actually my dad ran for his life) we had some church upbringing. He tried to get us involved in our new church with our single mom. Mom took us a couple times then tried to pass that off on a neighbor. I remember going once or twice with her then she didn't want to anymore. We were innocent and she was nice to try. I picture us now, 3 little girls with patent leather shoes and dresses just wanting to fit in and be loved and she dumped us. Of course we didn't continue (how could we?) and she pretty much did nothing for or with us. It still hurts.

[Danie]

Someone turned my sister in to the county for abuse of a vulnerable adult. I suspect it was my mom or at least she colluded with someone to do it for her. My sister isn't abusive to her, it's the opposite scenario, our mom is abusive to us. If mom doesn't get what she wants there will be hell to pay. My sister has just set boundaries and doesn't visit anymore. She's POA and does pay the bills and make sure she has what she needs. We made it clear to mom in March when she chose to go home she would be on her own a lot. She was allowed to go home because she could make decisions - well that could be changing.

My mom is in a wheelchair and cannot walk. She does everything from wheelchair level. She cannot sleep in a bed. She gets meals on wheels and can barely reach the microwave. She clearly opted for this and now she's struggling and wants to blame her children for not taking care of her. We've done soo much for her. We can't make her walk again. Whe's always held her children responsible for her misery in one way or another.

[Danie]

I would like to update you all on my situation with my NPD/antisocial mom that is disabled. She is wheelchair bound in her home (her choice) and amazingly we have gotten through 5 months like this. There is a lot I could talk about, but most importantly I personally have found ways to cope. I have been seeing a therapist weekly for 1 1/2 years, mostly because of her and it has helped me a lot.

I see very clearly now that she is Narcissistic and extremely anti-social. It used to really get to me when she would whine and complain because I am quite empathic. I saw her yesterday and she was whimpering about being trapped in a cage (her home-her choice). We offered up some solutions to her isolation even though there aren't many at this point. We suggested that we un-clutter her living room so she can move around a little more and also that we remove a sofa so she can see out a big window better. She has a chair lift that could help her get to her garage and she could go out there and get some air. She didn't really embrace any of these suggestions, except maybe the sofa being removed. That in itself sparked a whole new "problem". The sofa was from a hotel 40 years ago but she claims it is not junk. We wanted to just get rid of it, but now she wants us to try and sell it.

Anyway, I didn't have an internal inner meltdown like I have in the past. I've probably been trained, by her, to fix and help her above all. I have muscle memory of her whining even from when I was a baby. It's a haunting sound that rattles my nervous system. I reminded myself that she is a narcissist and this is how things are supposed to be. There's nothing I can do....then I slept well.

[TimetoHeal]

Danie, Hi!

I'm so glad you updated us and that you are doing better!  It sounds like you have a good therapist, and that they are really helping you.  That's wonderful!

I found with my mother, there was absolutely no getting through to her while she was still at home in her miserable state.  I finally stopped suggesting anything, because just like you said with your mom, the solution would just add another problem!  It absolutely took a crisis that sent her to the hospital and then being told she couldn't go home to effect any change at all.  That may or may not happen eventually with your mother, but the change is happening in YOU, and that is so amazing. 

Keep taking care of yourself, and enjoy that guilt-free sleep! 

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks for the update. I am very happy to read that you have found ways to cope, as proved by your not having an inner meltdown at her latest shenanigans. Well done!

[Tribe16]

I finally stopped suggesting anything, because just like you said with your mom, the solution would just add another problem! 

My mother does this too - ChatGPT always helps me when I am trying to understand weird behaviors - I've got this for you:

What is a Help-Rejecting Complainer?

The term was coined by psychiatrist Jerome Frank. It perfectly captures the person who:

Complains relentlessly about a problem, often presenting it as a uniquely difficult or insurmountable situation.

Asks for or solicits help/sympathy by detailing their plight.

Rejects or finds fault with every solution or piece of advice offered ("That won't work because...", "You don't understand my situation...", "I tried that already...").

Offers no solutions of their own, often seeming more invested in the complaint itself than in resolving the issue.

[Lillith65]

Wow, Danie!

My mother is also a 'help-rejecting' complainer. What helps me is knowing the game and the rules. It means that I can operate from a place of detachment: not my monkeys, not my circus. I'm doing the best I can do in the circumstances.

Yes, she is my mother, but she lost the privilege of daughterly love a long time ago. She is also an adult, albeit disabled due to illness and aging, and has made choices over the years that have led her to the position that she is in. I have basic human empathy for her (I'm highly empathic like you - probably trained over the years of family dysfunction) but that's it.

Anyway, I'm passing on the support that others here have given me. You are not alone!