Am I facing parental alienation?

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Izak80]

You might find if you stopped sharing so much with your ex and contacted schools, adult sons, etc directly - cutting her out of the communication, you achieve more.

I agree.

This is why I told my ex weeks before both my sons disconnected with me that my relationship with my 19 year old son is with my 19 year old son now that he has graduated high school and I will no longer need coparenting with her. I found the same thing to be true that you said. Her accusation against me was that I don't communicate with her enough- which usually involved her telling me what to do with him and I found it only hurting our relationship. My communication with her is about once a week in text and maybe once a month and a half phone call- unless I have to put a boundary and then it escalates into multiple texts. Usually involving me gently explaining my decision and her emotionally dysregulating. I've learned I don't need to explain anymore no matter how much she dysregulates for me to move the boundary.

She responded by saying my 19 yo son has Asperger's and we will need to communicate and coparent for life. I stood my boundary that my son and my relationship is with me alone and I don't need coparenting anymore. He is an adult and not a minor.

She responded by saying that if that's the case then she is also cutting off communication about my 15 year old minor son. I responded by text that he is a minor and that's not viable. She responded by saying legally if I want to bring that up that when I travel for work I'm not keeping my legal visitation schedule (even though I gladly and joyfully make it up everytime I need to make a work trip)- and so not to bring up legally he is a minor and we need to communicate.

Two days after that I wrote my son the graduation letter and he went no contact. One week after that my 15 year old son went no contact. Still is no contact.

My 19 yo son is in text only contact with me and it's usually to ask for money for weed. He has done this four times now. I've never given him money for weed. His mother ran out of money and he is desperate and I've never given him money for weed (strange he is so persistent- probably Aspergers).

My 15 yo son is still zero contact and I'm blocked from all social media.

I've inquired once or twice to my ex and asked if he wanted to talk to me. She responds with "he doesn't want to" and that's it. Actually thankfully my ex and I  have less contact.

I can't imagine what my 15 yo son is going through and the pain he is experiencing. I don't triangulate my daughter to send messages to him. So now I am just in waiting. It does hurt. My 15 yo son is an exemplary young man who has a good head on his shoulders. Before this happened we had what I thought was a pretty good relationship. When I had to travel for work, he didn't like it, but was never angry or mad and loved our times together. I always made up the time for him and we had great times together.

The hardest thing with all my kids is my ex wife has brainwashed them into believing I am not a smart parent. So they only enjoy me as fun dad and only receive discipline or wisdom or boundaries from their mom. When we were married, my ex constantly undid my boundaries in front of the kids. This hurts a lot because I feel I have so much wisdom like integrity, truth, growth, etc to give them and it's seen as unwarranted.

My ex hated my parents and they have completely taken my exs narratives (word for word) and knew things that was inappropriate for them to know and a wrong narrative (I heard from my ex when we were married as accusations).

I've only spoken well of her and her family to the kids even though they are way more dysfunctional (her dad watched porn in front of her and was still her hero). My parents are kind, loving, together, non controlling, etc and she constantly railed against them and now has my kids believing this.

[escapingman]

I think you have got a lot of good advice here but you need to listen to it. You have to cut your contact with you ex completely and find another way to engage with your kids. As long as you keep her in the loop you will lose and give all the power to her. I know it will be difficult and might involve a long period of having your kids ignoring you, but you got to find another way.

[GoodPesto]

You might find if you stopped sharing so much with your ex and contacted schools, adult sons, etc directly - cutting her out of the communication, you achieve more.

I agree.

This is why I told my ex ...



Izak80, I hope mirroring this helps to see what was meant.

[Izak80]

Update:

It's been two months now since both my sons blocked me. My Asperger older son decided to restore a texting relationship only. While my younger 15 year old son still has me blocked from all messenging apps.

As suggested in this thread, I have decided to only text my ex on business related issues (child support, kids extra curricular activities we jointly pay for, health, etc).

I did send my son three written letters during this time and continue to write him on a blocked WhatsApp account (for whenever he reopens it) just to show him consistent contacts and desire to be in touch with him.

It's been very painful.

My daughter did share it's mostly him dealing with his emotions concerning our coming child and time together with me (afraid of divided attention).

I do know and feel that alienation is happening. I have multiple examples of my kids asking me questions their mom told them or things they heard that are explicitly alienating and shaping the way they view and think about my relationship with them.

The feeling I got in the past from my ex (even during our former marriage) is basically they all want me to be "fun dad". But don't really want me to have a voice in shaping their lives and who they are. My ex's values and my values don't line up and she wants to be the dominant voice and pushes her way until she gets it, so there is a lot of criticism towards my parenting style (I'm more conservative and values and principles are important for me but don't need to micromanage am also more laid back, she is more liberal but ironically more of a helicopter mom that is involved in everything). That in and of itself is ok if we could've come to some compromises or talked things out. But she felt like she knew the best ways and bulldozed over me even in front of the kids to have her ways and ideas be the dominant modus operandi. My kids today feel their mom's way is best and I just need to be fun dad. Legacy and heritage are important for me... so this really hurts. 

[square]

Thank you for the update. It sounds like you are handling it the best way you can. Hopefully your sons will be back in full contact in the future, but of course, it's up to them to decide how to process the alienation they are receiving, and how they see their relationships with you and their mom. Keep posting.

[Rose1]

Unfortunately having a child with a pd parent pretty much guarantees parental alienation etc. if you are consistent in the way you deal with the kids and stick to your principles, believe me the kids notice.
They may not always agree and they may always have issues understanding the dynamic, and they may be a lot older before they start to get it.
But in some ways they already know that what she is saying isn't true. They just need to learn how to handle their adult relationship with a dysfunctional parent and that takes time. It's promising that your son is texting even if it's just to try to get something. That can develop into a relationship eventually. And a 15 year old will be old enough soon to make his own choices too. It's possible the blocks on his communication was put there by your ex. Smart kids know how to turn that off.
Keep doing you and keep your side so that you are comfortable in your own skin. (Ex's dr told me make sure you can lay straight in bed at night). It's good advice as we only have control over our own behaviour. And the kids will notice. Eventually there might be questions about some of the things said. You can just tell what the truth is without putting someone else down. Your ex probably can't.

It's sad but unfortunately it's also life. My oldest went nc with her pdf at age 24 and there were good reasons. By then she was old enough to understand some of what was happening.