New medical info

[walking on broken glass]

Last time my mum messaged me she said she had done a scan, to check whether everything was clear after the chemo and the surgery. I asked her to tell me when the results came out. Of course, she didn't get in touch to tell me because clearly this is my job. She even wrote to me today for my name day and mentioned nothing about the scan. I found out from my aunt who called me to wish me happy name day and said that my mum's scan showed 'something' on her lung. They are not quite sure what it is yet and she will need to have more tests done.

I am not sure how to deal with the new information. I was hoping for a respite. I was hoping the scan would be clear and I wouldn't have to worry about my mum's health (at least not in the present) so I could go no contact for a while. But, if this is cancer, a new cycle opens. And I don't know how I want to deal with it. I am not sure I can go on calling her as before to check on her health. I could perhaps call my aunt instead or ask her to keep me appraised of medical details. This is not ideal as she might refuse and tell me to call my mum but perhaps I can try at least. I wish I could say f*** it, I don't want to hear from the whole lot of you and I don't care what will happen with my mum's health. But I do care and I know I will be stressed if I am not in the loop. I feel like my worry about my mum's health is keeping me prisoner and I resent that. I am not even sure how to reply to her message. I am thinking of writing thank you and not addressing any of the medical stuff.

I am upset and stressed and angry. Ugh 😤

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh, indeed. I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

My mother is adept at weaponising her health. Anything minor is puffed up and gone on about to the nth degree. Anything major (or that might be major) is minimised as much as possible. She gives out bits of information to family members - the information differs so a general picture can be pieced together by conferring if we are so minded. It is very tiresome.

To my mind, the most charitable interpretation of your mother's behaviour is that she is worried what the "something" might be, and may feel overwhelmed by people asking questions she can't answer. Hence the silence until she knows more.

That said, she has clearly told your aunt what the situation is and not told you even though you asked her to. So that sucks.

My suggestion would be for you to consider what the ramifications are to you if you are kept in the loop fully, partially, or not at all. You do care about your mother's health and you feel you will be stressed if you are not in the loop. But what will you be stressed about? What would you do with the information if you were fully in the loop? Is there a downside to being fully in the loop? For instance, if she has a load of medical appointments coming up will you be expected to step up to drive her to appointments or help with other things? Would you be prepared to do that? If not, maybe ignorance is bliss because you don't need to guilt trip yourself so much about not helping on a day when you know she might want/need/expect it. You have already identified a risk in asking your aunt to be message bearer - that your aunt may refuse and tell you to contact your mother direct.

It is possible to care about your mother's health without knowing every detail. What might that look like for you? You could be as hands off as praying for her, for example, if you are so inclined. Or setting aside some time to meditate (to benefit you) and send her mental good wishes for her health even if that is all you do. You could resolve to contact her on a particular schedule and ask after her health on those occasions. Send the occasional small gift. Whatever feels right that carries little risk of opening any tiresome floodgates.

I understand the wish to be kept in the loop and know all the details. But it may not benefit you at all, or may come with obligations that you would rather not shoulder. So I would encourage you to spend as much time as you need thinking about how you want to approach this and perhaps trying to think of ways in which you could feel less stressed even if you are not fully in the loop.

I wish you well.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you so much Narckiddo for this considerate and insightful message.

I don't have to worry about practicalities such as driving to the doctor's, because I live in a different country so I can't really do anything from here. I am thinking of what you said here:

You do care about your mother's health and you feel you will be stressed if you are not in the loop. But what will you be stressed about? What would you do with the information if you were fully in the loop? Is there a downside to being fully in the loop?

Up to this point I had kept contact with my mum because of her health problems. But I am wondering whether this is truly because I am stressed about it or because of FOG. By not cutting off contact completely, I felt that I was fulfilling at least part of my role as the good daughter. I kept in touch, I asked questions and knew about medical appointments. But was it truly for me or for the sake of others? Would it make a material difference if I was not in the loop?

I have to think more about this.

[Happypants]

WOBG - Is it possible that your mother's cryptic approach to dispensing information might actually be an opportunity for you to set the precedent with regards to communication on your terms?  "Hi Aunt.  Mum's not telling me much or keeping me updated about results.  Can understand she doesn't feel like talking about it as it's stressful.  Would you mind keeping me in the loop as I'd really like to know what's going on.  I'll be sure to keep in touch with her and let her know I'm thinking of her" - direct information from your aunt, and perhaps you can reduce most communication with your mother to texting without looking to her for information.

[walking on broken glass]

I like your idea of how to phrase the request, HappyPants! I just need to decide what the best approach is for me. Keeping somewhat in touch or not.

[walking on broken glass]

Update: my mum called me 4 times. I didn't pick up. I was frozen and was trying to think how to respond. She also sent me a message 'could you please pick up the phone?' Eventually I decided to send her a message saying: hi mum, I saw your calls. I am guessing you are calling to wish me happy name day. I don't feel like talking right now but thank you for the wishes.

I am not sure whether she has seen my message because she called one more time after that. My heart is pounding and I dread the response.

[walking on broken glass]

My mum called two more times after I sent the message 
I put the phone on airplane mode and will try to calm down.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Sheesh. Talk about your push-pull! I'm so sorry you're dealing with that behavior and I'm angry on your behalf. Doesn't update you and gives you the silent treatment but when she decides it's time to talk to you, you'd better be available NOW! Calling repeatedly is just plain rude. Good move on going on stepping away for a bit.

[walking on broken glass]

I thought it might be because she hasn't read the message (she's not very tech savvy) but even so...it's not normal, right? And since she went on messenger to message me in the first place and was able to read my previous message, there is no reason why she can't read that last one. I considered sending the same message on WhatsApp (where she's currently calling) and decided against it.
I feel nauseous

[Rebel13]

I'm so sorry! I'm with Cordelia, multiple contacts in a short space of time after a silent treat is (are?) rude, at a minimum. Also manipulative, stressful. And it's working! She offloaded her stress onto you. Again, I'm really sorry. I know that sick stomach and tightening of every bodily muscle very well.

I'm also with NarcKiddo. I think you're smart to give yourself time to think. You absolutely do not have to do anything right now. I'm sure she is worried and stressed out about her lung scan, but she has your aunt and your sister, at least, to support her, and she's really yanking your chain which is not fair and not kind, no matter what's wrong with her.

I hope you can figure out how much information is the right amount for you, and a way to get it so that you are not constantly being jerked around by her extreme communications. If you have any preferred stress management techniques I'd say now is the time to bring them on!

Good thoughts and best wishes for you today.

[moglow]

My personal skepticism here so please feel free to disregard: what if she's toying with this situation, nothing actually conclusive or even concerning in the scan and she's baiting you through your aunt? I would tend to think, if she wants me to know she'll tell me. I asked and she knows it, she gets to choose what she shares. Going about it this way - feels like manipulation to me. 

You can legitimately be unavailable to talk right now, ask for update on her scan and leave it be. There's not one thing you can do, win lose or draw. It is what it is - and it's hers to share or not .

Breathe. You don't have to feel trapped in this. Just because that's what you know and what you were taught, doesn't mean you can't learn a new way.

Breathe again. Maybe take a walk. And turn the phone off for a while if you can.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Rebel, moglow and everyone.
I have never witnessed my mum go ballistic like that before. It is scary. She is normally very avoidant and passive aggressive. I blocked her on WhatsApp and another app she used to contact me, and left her only on messenger, where I last messaged her, and what we normally use to communicate. I thought that at least that would minimize the craziness of calls all over the place. I don't know what to expect tomorrow - more calls? A horrible message? I am trying to calm my system down but the foreboding is strong.

[NarcKiddo]

You have probably never witnessed that behaviour before because she has not needed to play that card. But you have done something to protect yourself. Well done, you! You have given yourself time to think and consider how you want to respond. You have not just picked up the phone on her bidding. Since she is capable of messaging she is perfectly capable of telling you in a message the gist of what is so urgent about her call. But she hasn't. She's just given an impression of urgency with her constant calls and her demand that you pick up. That's not fair. Even if she has something really important and urgent to impart, insisting on telling you over the phone smacks of her wanting to enjoy whatever moment of drama is available to her. Plus having you on the back foot and you having to respond immediately.

Please try to calm the sense of foreboding as best you can. What can she realistically do to you? She is on the other end of a phone. She could spontaneously combust and it still wouldn't physically affect you. I realise this sounds flippant and I know just how painful it is when they push all our buttons. But you are doing so well with this so far, even if it doesn't feel like it. This is where you need to call on all of your adult self to analyse the situation logically and reassure your child self that you are safe. She cannot hurt you physically, she cannot make you do anything, and anything hurtful she might say is probably untrue if you allow yourself to think about it rationally.

You've got this!

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks so much Narckiddo. You are of course right.

She could spontaneously combust and it still wouldn't physically affect you.

This made me chuckle 🤭

[BrightMoon]

check

[TimetoHeal]

Oh, WOBG, I feel the angst in your post.  My mother is a superhero at weaponizing her health as well, and I know that nauseous, knot-in-your-stomach feeling.

It sounds like your mother has ratcheted things up a notch since you have started laying some new boundaries.  This is to be expected.  It also sounds like she is using your aunt more and more like the flying monkey, whether your aunt realizes it or not.  Obviously, your mother knows that your aunt told you about the scan, and is wondering why you haven't asked her about it. This is manipulation, pure and simple.  Very passive-aggressive, which you said is her M.O. 

Everyone's advice to breathe, calm yourself however you do best, and don't respond out of fear is spot on.  You can do this. 

ETA;  With our mothers at the age they are at (and even if they weren't!) there will always be SOMETHING.  So we can't wait until they get to that magical place of being perfectly healthy an at peace before WE can be at peace.  Do what you have to for you now to feel better.   

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Time to Heal. Your last paragraph is especially reassuring as I have been struggling with this: am I too cruel? Is this the right time? Should I suck it up? But I know I can't be doing this any longer, pretending that all is fine, and talk about dinners and the weather. I knew since her outburst in December that this was the end of our relationship, as it had existed so far. I realise she has different expectations and that's her right but I don't need to agree.

She's been silent today. Maybe I will get the silent treatment for a while.

[moglow]

Sad when that silence is a sigh of relief, isn't it? Someone hear years ago referred to it as silent treat. It still fits.

Fwiw, mine used to do that- send agitated texts then call and not leave messages then call from her home phone. Not answer when I'd call her back, not return calls when I was actually available to talk (and I'd had the same work schedule for years), not respond to my texts. Wicked cycles that just wiped me out. I eventually blocked her cell for a while so I could limit some of it at least. 

Whatd she do? Complain that I'd blocked her, *every time* we talked. Talked/griped about nothing else until I got tired and ended the call. Same nonsense next time, so I stopped calling vary often. Eventually she had her home phone disconnected and I relented. Honestly not sure why - nothing is any better between us. She's still not interested and still plays those same vicious games.

[walking on broken glass]

So, after two days of silence, my mum finally messaged me: 'I am truly sorry. When you feel like talking, I will be here. But remember: no one will love you as much as your mum.'

She is 'sorry' for what? Certainly not for what she said and did. She is also magnanimous and forbearing. But in the end -  the sting in the tail - she throws in some guilt tripping. Extra bonus: subtle competition with my partner (whom I assume she views as the competitor for her love, since he is the bad person who took me away from her).

[moglow]

If you want to engage - and I totally get it if you don't - I'd have to ask what she is sorry for. I mean, throwing out a blanket fauxpology doesn't help if she fails to clarify or show actual remorse and changed behavior. "I'm sorry for everything" doesn't get it. "I'm sorry you were hurt" Nope. "I'm sorry we had words." Also no. I'd need more specifics than that. I might even be willing to listen her off the ledge then let her know I need some time to think about it, and leave it right there until I decided otherwise. 

OR you could drop the rope and simply not respond. She says no one will ever love you as much as your mom? As I told mine a few years back, very little of what's been said and done between us looked or felt anything like I imagined love to be. There has to be something better, brighter, more positive - or what's the point?

You're not alone, friend.